Deadinside44 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 So, long story short, my partner of 11 years has decided to leave the relationship. There is no infidelity that I know of, we were in couples counseling leading up to this and it seems he just has fallen out of love with me. He has spent the last couple of days out of the house (we live together and have for around 9 or so years). He is coming by tomorrow so we can talk since we have had some space and a little time, not to mention there are moving logistics, etc that we need to discuss. For me, this is how I would like this to go. I have written a carefully thought out letter to him that I want to read to him. There is no pleading, no begging, no asking him to change his mind, no asking him for closure, no talk of "i'll change, i'll change", no trying to make him feel bad or guilty. It is only me stating my feelings, my thoughts on our relationship and that's it. It is not malicious in any way, and it's not filled with the opposite either ("i'll love your forever till the day I die" or "i will wait for you, you're the only one for me"). I have turned this letter over and over in my head questioning my motives for wanting to read it to him. I feel like I want to do it for me and my closure. I feel like being able to state my feelings and speak my truth (without the pleading, etc) is a way for me to start to let go. I am not holding out any hope for any change of heart from him. If he has follow up, I will listen, nod and then move on to the logistics of moving out, etc. Thoughts/advice on the above????
mhowe Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 You have a need to vent. What if he doesn't want to listen? You cannot force someone to "hear" you. Since you believe that nothing you say will change his mind, I question the need to say it.
Movingforward3 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I know you are looking for closure. Sometimes, that's the one thing you will never find with an ex. Writing the letter is good, but actually giving it to him is another issue altogether.
abitbroken Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 The letter is for you. not for him. I would first, first and foremost, decide what is important and what is not to discuss about new living arrangements or splitting your possessions. How much can be done by mail or email, and how much has to be in done in person? Also, going over that letter, what part of it do you feel you want him to "hear" and what part do you need to say just to hear yourself verbalize it for the sake of closure. He is not going to "hear" or perceive what you want him to perceive. The more you handle this with grace, the better for you. There is nothing that you can do to change the mind of someone who fell out of love. At 11 years if there is no further commitment, sometimes its just like beating dead horse. Reading a letter to someone is very awkward for both involved and sometimes more drama than you need.
Deadinside44 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 You have a need to vent. What if he doesn't want to listen? You cannot force someone to "hear" you. Since you believe that nothing you say will change his mind, I question the need to say it. I have read it over and over it is not venting...but, I will continue to question whether it needs to be said before tomorrow.
Deadinside44 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I know you are looking for closure. Sometimes, that's the one thing you will never find with an ex. Writing the letter is good, but actually giving it to him is another issue altogether. Thanks for the input. I will keep thinking about whether or not to give it to him. I keep thinking of the few past relationships where I was the dumper and if I would have "heard" anything in a letter from the dumpee and the answer is probably not...though those relationships were a flash in the pan compared to this one. But, thank you for giving me more to think about.
mhowe Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Why not simply hand it to him and tell him to read it after he leaves? This is not intended to be a covers action or a dialogue. It's a monologue and it will not garner the response you think it will. iF, and that is a big IF he will even listen to the entire thing...he will let you finish and simply say "ok" and get on with the logistics. Worst case isn't that he argues. It is that he says nothing.
abitbroken Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Thanks for the input. I will keep thinking about whether or not to give it to him. I keep thinking of the few past relationships where I was the dumper and if I would have "heard" anything in a letter from the dumpee and the answer is probably not...though those relationships were a flash in the pan compared to this one. But, thank you for giving me more to think about. What is exactly the gist of the letter or the key points? You have said it is not a "begging letter". Exactly what is it, then?
Deadinside44 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 The letter is for you. not for him. I would first, first and foremost, decide what is important and what is not to discuss about new living arrangements or splitting your possessions. How much can be done by mail or email, and how much has to be in done in person? Also, going over that letter, what part of it do you feel you want him to "hear" and what part do you need to say just to hear yourself verbalize it for the sake of closure. He is not going to "hear" or perceive what you want him to perceive. The more you handle this with grace, the better for you. There is nothing that you can do to change the mind of someone who fell out of love. At 11 years if there is no further commitment, sometimes its just like beating dead horse. Reading a letter to someone is very awkward for both involved and sometimes more drama than you need. More to think about....thank you for the input.
Deadinside44 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Why not simply hand it to him and tell him to read it after he leaves? This is not intended to be a covers action or a dialogue. It's a monologue and it will not garner the response you think it will. iF, and that is a big IF he will even listen to the entire thing...he will let you finish and simply say "ok" and get on with the logistics. Worst case isn't that he argues. It is that he says nothing. But I'm not trying to get a response. I just need to say these things so I can move on and let go. I don't want him to keep the letter which is why I want to read it. Part of me feels like if he is going to leave, I get 2 minutes to speak my truth. Le sigh, I don't know anymore. Perhaps, I'll feel it out tomorrow.
Deadinside44 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 What is exactly the gist of the letter or the key points? You have said it is not a "begging letter". Exactly what is it, then? Ok, difficult to summarize without getting into details of our relationship. There were hurts on both sides, throughout different periods of our relationship: - first, it is prefaced with that I am not trying to change his mind, etc. - i love him and am sorry for things that have gotten us to this point -i believe our relationship is worth saving BUT understand he feels differently those are the main points. ugh, even as I type them out, I just don't know anymore.
kbbcoop77 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 ""-i believe our relationship is worth saving BUT understand he feels differently"" This is the problem. I know what your feeling I've been there after a long relationship. Please know you cannot change his mind and since he's decided to leave he doesn't care if you feel the relationship is worth saving. He just doesn't. As the dumpee (like me) we want to fight to save it but the dumper is relieved for whatever reason...be it just being single or they found someone else (as my case was with my ex wife)..they want out. I foolishly talked to my ex for months and months not knowing the truth but learning eventually she had been cheating and I ended up looking foolish. Believe me after 20 months now, in hindsight I would've told her BYE and never talked to her again. Keep your dignity, give him the gift of losing you forever, as friends and partner. Let him feel that. My ex always wanted to "catch up" and really that just made her dumping me easier for her. As time goes on I see I was dumb even responding. I wouldn't even meet up with him if you can avoid it. The less contact the better
KhanFlan Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 ""-i believe our relationship is worth saving BUT understand he feels differently"" This is the problem. I know what your feeling I've been there after a long relationship. Please know you cannot change his mind and since he's decided to leave he doesn't care if you feel the relationship is worth saving. He just doesn't. As the dumpee (like me) we want to fight to save it but the dumper is relieved for whatever reason...be it just being single or they found someone else (as my case was with my ex wife)..they want out. I foolishly talked to my ex for months and months not knowing the truth but learning eventually she had been cheating and I ended up looking foolish. Believe me after 20 months now, in hindsight I would've told her BYE and never talked to her again. Keep your dignity, give him the gift of losing you forever, as friends and partner. Let him feel that. My ex always wanted to "catch up" and really that just made her dumping me easier for her. As time goes on I see I was dumb even responding. I wouldn't even meet up with him if you can avoid it. The less contact the better I had to register to tell you - Listen to coop! It has been 3 years to the day that my 15+ year relationship ended. As the dumpee, I have experienced handling end-of-relationship business both ways: (1) In my early 20's, I tried to be an adult, maintaining communications and some type of "friendship" (2) my last breakup was just that. I immediately broke all ties and never spoke with or saw my ex after that day. I even blocked his phone numbers. I can tell you that approach #2 is the one that left me with a shred of dignity and control. It's been decades since the first breakup and I still deeply regret giving him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me, that I was weak, and that he 100% controlled the situation. I still flush with embarrassment when I think about it - I feel stupid these many years later. I know you truly believe that reading the letter will help you, but it won't. You are looking for something from your ex that he can't give. Coop is right - at this point, the dumper just wants to be free. Later, you will regret showing him more vulnerability. I PROMISE. Writing the letter was the start of healing. It has done its job. Put it away. Burn it one day. But do not read it to your ex. I would txt (not call) your ex to cancel your meeting and tell him "I don't think there is anything left to talk about. I will be moved out by x date. You can have access to the apartment then." Any lease changes can be signed at separate times in the leasing office. They are used to it. You know what items are his and which are yours - you can pack and move without his involvement. Believe me when I tell you, a clean break seems harder, but it really is much better for your pride and your healing. Seeing this person is not good for you. It will keep you mired in the past and only helps the dumper to somehow feel better about what they've done. It is a long road, but with time you will see more clearly. Good luck - I am sorry you are going through so much heartache
Movingforward3 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 It is the hardest thing to do as a dumpee. To let them go. To move forward and not chase. Not lose your self respect. Not beg. It is where I am. I did the best I could to balance limited contact with my ex to see if there is a way back. Sometimes, it is time to let that go.
Deadinside44 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Update: he came over, he talked for a little (sorries and all that ), I read my letter and then we talked about logistics. I don't regret reading it b/c I was in a place of acceptance of his leaving already. Now, time to lock down my apartment tomorrow.....I'm doing it. I'm doing this. I can do this. Thanks all for the advice and support.
Deadinside44 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 It is the hardest thing to do as a dumpee. To let them go. To move forward and not chase. Not lose your self respect. Not beg. It is where I am. I did the best I could to balance limited contact with my ex to see if there is a way back. Sometimes, it is time to let that go. Agree. Thank you for words of wisdom and support.
abitbroken Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 : didn't see the update so deleted what I said.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.