Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 My girlfriends dad was diagnosed with cancer a couple months back and passed 2 weeks ago. During the time he was in hospital and during his treatment i was unable to be there all the time due being a back up foster carer for two kids (being home with the kids) and working. I explained to her it was hard for me to be there everyday but i was when i could. This resulted in her telling me she doesnt think i even care and saying im never there for her. I understand that could be due to her being upset about the situation. We havent spent anytime together at all even prior to this we didnt really do much together now its worse. Shes mainly inviting me to see her family which i agreed to do the day her dad died and ended up just standing there while they all spoke i felt so awkward because i didnt know anyone. I tried asking her to do something out of the house with me to clear her head she replies saying you haven't been here for me so im used to you not being here now. I mean thats not really an answer to the question.... its been two weeks since her dad has passed and she wont speak to me unless i say something first. I dont know what to do about this its really hard to talk to her at the moment. Some people are saying to me i need to look after my self as well and stop worrying so much if she doesn't want to speak leave her to it..... Any advice??
Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Also would like to add i met her dad for the first time when he was diagnosed with cancer never met him before this.
Clinton Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 To be honest it really doesn't seem like you were there for her. Your excuses come across as rather lame. The death of a parent is a huge life changing event and unfortunately you didn't step up to the plate and are reaping the rewards of your actions. All you can do is try and be there as much as possible now, but the damage has already been done.
Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Well i tried at first and she didnt want to talk or say anything but the moment i had a commitment it was a problem. So i guess your saying its my fault?? She even booked a hotel for 3 days and i said i will spend all 3 of the days with her and she said yes she would love that she needs someone to talk to.Then she told me the time i was going to arrive was pointless becasue she was going to bed i was set to arrive at 5 she was going to bed at 8 so i said no i said i will spend sometime with you regardless how long it is plus we have 2 other days. Got there around 6 she didnt speak to me so i went home and said i'll be back after work. The next day she said to me no point coming i dont feel like talking to anyone. From the start when ever i could be there it wasnt the right time and when i couldnt say due to work it was the time i was needed.
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Okay, so I guess you have had nobody close to you die. I think you're expecting a whole lot from her actually. And you're not being very compassionate.
Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Yes i have had people in my family die (grand father died of cancer) and a very close friend of mine died suddenly no warning of illness or anything i didnt take it well but i tried to keep everything the same to avoid becoming depressed i didnt have anyone to talk to about it so i have no idea how it feels to rely on someone else for comfort.
Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 The only thing im expexting from her is to let me help some how.
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 You have to realize people grieve differently and she's not going to grieve like you. She wanted comfort from you and you didn't give it, unconditionally when asked. So the damage may have already been done.
Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 correction i was providing comfort but it was not being accepted at times this is what i fail to understand. But you may have solved that for me you are right everyone is different. I felt so bad the fact that i didn't know her dad and she was telling me i didnt care. I sat with him in the hospital for a day to get to know him and to show him i care. Even while on the recieving end of her lashing out due to her family members causing her problems and then saying sorry i told her not to say sorry im here for her and she can speak to me at anytime still she chose not to.
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 She wanted you to just BE with her, not have her " talk" . She is not ready for talking.
notalady Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 How long have you been together before her dad passing, and you mentioned you didn't spend time together prior to this, did you mean throughout the relationship or just since her dad got sick?
Dan510 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 We've been together for a year. I mean't we never spent time together before she found out her dad was sick maybe once In the week we saw each other on weekends. By the time i finish work shes either to tired to see me or busy and when im free in the day shes at work.
notalady Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 We've been together for a year. I mean't we never spent time together before she found out her dad was sick maybe once In the week we saw each other on weekends. By the time i finish work shes either to tired to see me or busy and when im free in the day shes at work. So it was 2-3 times a week? Did you ever bring that up with her during the relationship that you wanted to spend more time together (prior to the dad thing)? And how often were you at the hospital when her dad was sick?
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.