Breaking Up and Dignity: How to Keep Self Respect and Heal

[Astrogirl]

I don't know what's happening in the strange world of dating but a lot of us here, including myself, seem to be posting of break-ups and no contact rules. So I've decided to start this thread for anyone to give others advice on how to maintain their dignity and heal.

 

Maybe we can all share what we did to heal and how we kept our self respect, even when all we wanted to do was shout and scream at our ex or tell the world what they're really like.

 

Any ideas?

[Capricorn3]

Probably the best way to keep dignity and self-respect is to NOT grovel to be taken back, don't go crying and begging for weeks or months on end, no constant texting etc etc. No losing control, neediness or being clingy.

After the goodbye's have been said, walk away with your head held high and don't look back. Life DOES and WILL carry on.

[HLnoelle]

Unfortunately I think handling a break-up "well" just takes time, and experience (going through a couple relationships). I've noticed a lot of the younger posters on here are more melodramatic about break-ups, and relationships being the end all. But so was I when I was seventeen, so it's understandable. But it's also very hard and frustrating to give advice, because they are most often in denial. And you just know they aren't gonna heed the advice, but we give it anyways. That's life, we pretty much have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. I know I was that way when I was younger, my parents and friends gave me advice, but I was just too stubborn to listen. Naturally after we get older, go through a couple break-ups, and mature we evolve and adapt in order to protect ourselves a little more the next time we enter a relationship. Whether that be taking things slower perhaps, or actually getting out when we start noticing red flags instead of making excuses for our loved one. I think also when you are young you have this naive perspective on love, and you sort of have this irrational fear of ending up alone even though you are so young! It's so crazy but I remember feeling that way. Well at twenty-two my views have completely done a 360, and I don't feel pressured at all to "find someone" or even settle down anytime soon, if at all. I'm happy with the though of being alone and I think more people should try to be comfortable with that. I think a lot of people feel this need to constantly be with someone, whether it be in a relationship, or surrounded by people like friends. While I do feel like friendships are important, I think it's even more important to know you can be happy alone, and also deal with things by yourself rather than constantly relying on others. I hear a lot about people going from one relationship to the next. I think it's a coping mechanism, because they can't handle a breakup or something else going on in their life on their own. That's a big red flag to me. An analogy I thought of relating to this is consider all the survival movies or instances. We usually thing the person who appears to have the most physical toughness on the outside will best be fitted to survive and outlast the others right? Well in most cases what actually happens is those with the most mental toughness outlast the others. You can apply that to a lot of things in life. I'm at a point where I know my boundaries, standards, how I should be treated. If I'm not treated right, are I'm simply not happy. I will leave without question. Because I'm happy by myself, and with myself. I know I am independent and strong. I am mentally tough, and I think that is very important. Relationships are not life! Life is always going to be hard in some way. Are you going to be someone who rises above or not? That's what it comes down to. Life is about change, those who can adapt will thrive, and those who can't won't. Simple as that.

[jennylove]

^ a 22 year old with the knowledge, enlightenment and wisdom of an 85 year old. Love it!

[BeHeard]

Honestly, I feel like many of us women, wouldn't feel the need to address these things or force no contact IF men, the minute a woman is emotional... stopped labeling us "psycho" or "stage 5 clinger". They just don't process break ups like we do, and when we have our process... often we are portrayed as criminals and stalkers.

 

I know the difference between criminal behavior/stalker and just being sentimental. I took a long route home to pass by my ex's development (NOT his house), only to have the misfortune of passing him on a major street and getting berated via VM about how he was going to take a restraining order out on me (for driving on a public main road, by his development, once... really?). At any rate, I feel like this is the male "go to" to deflect and avoid a lot of things on their part... and we are left with the broken emotional pieces.

[ParisPaulette]

HLnoelle nailed it. Unfortunately, I think time and experience are our best teachers, which means it's going to be a rough haul for some regardless.

 

Staying in NC and refusing to be demoted to "friend" or "FWB" is one of the best ways to maintain your dignity. To develop the attitude of "you are either 100 percent with me or not at all and I don't do bread crumbs" helps. So does using the time to focus on you and developing new interests, hobbies and friends.

 

Time is your friend in matters of heartbreak. It's such a cliche yes, but time and space and quiet between you and the ex are what let you heal, to be able to step outside of the raw emotions and begin to think and see and analyze what and why and where you went wrong. Plus after a time you just realize life is moving on regardless.

 

And above all, be kind to yourself. I see people judging themselves and thinking they're bad or wrong for grieving and not being able to instantly be over it way too often. Don't do that, find all the good things about yourself, use this time to rediscover them and you. Hold your head high and remind yourself you are going to be okay. And that your capacity to love and live is endless, because love is not a finite "there's only this much" thing. You will love again. Always remember that.

[youngman23]

To late for me, i lost my dignity, but it was my first serious relationship, so lessons learnt for the next one lol

[Astrogirl]

I 100% agree that total no contact echoes dignity, as well as not publicly degrading your ex on social media. No matter how much I hurt, not one of my post-break-up posts related to my relationship status and feelings.

[Realitynut]

Nope. Not for me! When I was young, and relationships ended....I was hurt...but I was back in the dating scene within a few weeks. I look back and see that I was never really IN LOVE. Then at 32 got married to a guy I only knew 10 months...big mistake. Married 20 years. Never liked him...much less loved him. Divorcing him didn't bother me one bit! But then I met a guy (I was in my 50's) who I thought 'was the one'....Planning a wedding...even tho we were in a roller-coaster relationship. The week after he proposed....found out he had started seeing someone else. I had no dignity. I BECAME the fall back girl. He went between me...and her for another 8 months before he chose her. Took me 3 years to get over him. Went through a DEEP depression too.

 

Now going through another heartbreak. MUCH worse than when I was younger. Not as bad as with the fiance'....but devastated. I think because I am now older...I realize the opportunities for me are running out! When you're young...it's OH well....tomorrow's another day!

 

At my age....most of us are damaged in some way. From divorce, emotionally unavailable, emotionally unstable, jaded, angry, fearful, ....you name it.

 

So for me...it has become far worse when the breakups happen. I liked being in a relationship. Even tho I didn't like my husband...lol....we still had children and I was part of a unit.

 

Leaving with my head held high.....hasn't happened. I just texted the ex today that I miss him. ugh