Too Good to Be True?

[newtothis007]

I met this guy on a dating site and we began talking through the site which continued for a week. Our messages were short at first and then we began asking typical getting to know you questions back and forth, realizing we had many of the same interests. After a week, he asked if I was comfortable exchanging phone numbers (he is 2 years younger than I am), and I said that I was okay with that. We began texting, not all throughout the day but on break at work and here and there throughout the day for another week. The whole time we were having full paragraph conversations about our interests, music, movie preferences, what we do for a living, family, school, etc. etc.

 

After a week of texting because we only live a couple of towns apart, we met for coffee. The person I had been talking to was the same person in front of me, and we talked for hours. He paid for coffee, he opened the door for me, and we discovered he actually knew my cousin from high school (which she confirmed and spoke highly of him). We spent from 8-11 just talking and then the coffee shop closed so we sat in his car just talking until 2 am. At no point did he make a move, nor did he make any crass comments. He asked if I wanted to go out again the next night and we shot pool, got dessert, and spent from 830pm-3 am just talking. That night, we kissed and there was some more physicality, but he kept stopping to ask if I was okay. I told him outright I was okay with kissing, but that I had no intention of sleeping with him, and he was perfectly fine with that. We made out for awhile and then parted ways, and I heard from him the next day, everything was normal.

 

My issue is this: I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and I have always dated men who either start out great and end up being emotionally/verbally abusive, or they have red flags written all over them that I don't see until after the relationship is over. I'm an intelligent woman, I have a wonderful network of friends and family, and for whatever reason I have always chosen the worst men when it comes to dating.

 

The new guy and I went out another couple of times and he said that he had started telling his friends and coworkers that he is seeing someone new. Again, we still have not slept together, he compliments me, he plans dates earlier in the week, and he told me directly that he would like to continue dating me. I am not used to having someone be so respectful and complimentary, but he also does not shower me with gifts or go over the top. He simply plans a date to a movie or to shoot pool (without alcohol) or to get ice cream, and he never tries to push me for anything at this point. As of a couple of days ago, he said that he is not looking to meet anyone else on the site and he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said yes and we both deleted our profiles; however, my friend met him and also said that he seemed like a very genuine, respectful guy. My mother on the other hand has not yet met him, but worries he could be another wolf in sheep's clothing, for lack of a better expression. He talks about events he wants us to do together, such as seeing the tree at Christmas or hanging out with our mutual friends when we are ready to introduce each other. Since it is still so new, we have mostly been going on dates and then spending time alone together, while making sure to not see each other every single day so that there is time for other things.

 

My fear is he compliments me, he wants to plan future events with me, and he is still accepting of the fact that I am not ready to sleep with him. Am I missing a red flag because he wanted to be in a relationship so soon? Am I heading into another abusive relationship? None of the signs that I can see looking back from the abusive relationship are there, he doesn't put me down, he doesn't try to keep me from friends/family, and he doesn't criticize my appearance or withhold affection as a form of control. My ex used to critique my body stating that I could stand to tone up, or he would comment that my breasts were too small. The new guy is always telling me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves that we have so much in common. He asked for a regular picture (a profile picture from Facebook) so that he could show his coworkers what I look like. None of this seems to be a warning flag for me, and yet my mother's words about something being too good to be true has me wondering if he really is too good to be true?

 

Any/all advice greatly appreciated. I really don't want to be wrong and get hurt with this.

[mhowe]

How old are you that you trust your intuition less than your mother, who hasn't met him, random opinion?

[j.man]

Maybe I missed something but the timeline isn't clear to me. How long / how many dates had you been on before he asked you to be his girlfriend? He does seem to carry himself with a bit more momentum than others, but I don't think to a scary extent.

 

My biggest concern here is you. If you haven't yet gone to therapy to resolve the emotional issues from your past relationships, you should do so now. They're only going to carry over and sabotage future relationships that would otherwise be perfectly happy and healthy.

[newtothis007]

Maybe I missed something but the timeline isn't clear to me. How long / how many dates had you been on before he asked you to be his girlfriend? He does seem to carry himself with a bit more momentum than others, but I don't think to a scary extent.

 

My biggest concern here is you. If you haven't yet gone to therapy to resolve the emotional issues from your past relationships, you should do so now. They're only going to carry over and sabotage future relationships that would otherwise be perfectly happy and healthy.

 

It would technically be on the fourth date he asked me to be his girlfriend

[reinventmyself]

On one side it feels a little unconventional to be someone's `girlfriend' after 4 dates and no physical intimacy.

On the other hand, it could be a good sign that his intention is to focus only on you and see if there is some potential here.

I have been you and have made bad choices.

You do know that all these scary things you listed about your ex's were likely not visible in the beginning but slowly crept up as time went on.

Your challenge is to navigate this according to your timeline and what feels right for you. . period. If he has an issue with that this would be your first clue.

So far he seems to respect your limits.

You get to know him slowly and move forward as long as things feel right. The moment something feels off, you step back and try to be objective.

I know when I first started dating after an abusive relationship, I was very hyper vigilant. It's no way to be either.

 

It's about practicing self care and trusting yourself. At first I was on the look out for someone I could trust. I soon realized my energy was best spent on learning to trust myself.

After all, all sorts of men will cross your path. You need to know that you can handle what ever comes your way.

 

You do so in baby steps and learn to trust yourself and your intuition.

[missmarple]

How old are you both?

If you're in your '20s, no, 4 dates (long dates at that!) isn't that soon.

If you're over 30, something seems off.

It depends.

[Hazyillusions]

He sounds great. Just take things slowly and watch out for anything that might be a red flag. Have fun ♡ sounds like something amazing cpuld come of this.

[Dottieflanogon]

I think you're just reading too much into this and over analyzing it ...I would just go with the flow.... and see how it goes.Respecting boundaries, being patient, and understanding are great traits. I feel like people do this too often. They have been mistreated , someone comes around who treats them well, and they end up ruining it for themselves.

 

 

You can worry about all the "too good to be true" when something actually happens for you to justify those thoughts. You have nothing to base that decision on. ... I know from myself how differently I will interpret someone's actions based on my mindset and that will either heighten or tarnish a relationship.

[Movingforward3]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. Depends if you are comfortable with it or not. I knew each time on my first date if there was potential. He may see that in you, as well.

[greta96]

1. You can NEVER know how anyone is, until you give them a chance to get to know them and you spend time with them. So your mom can't possibly know if he's genuine or a wolf in sheep's clothes. Only time can tell that. For what is worth I think he's genuine.

 

2. You are way overthinking things. Do not let your bad past experiences ruin this for you. He is doing everything by the book, so far he sounds like the ideal guy one can meet. All you need to do right now is be yourself and enjoy the ride. Don't put any pressure on yourself, do not look for meaning where there isn't one, do not psychoanalyze him and do not project your past on the present. He liked you the way you were when he first met you; don't change and don't create major expectations. Take it one day at a time and have a blast!

 

3. It is great that he asked you to be his girlfriend. It wasn't too early, when you know you want to be with someone, you go for it, you don't go around in circles and date others, and risk losing the person you like. He's done everything right so far.

 

One thing I want to caution you against is: don't have sex too soon. Let him court you and enjoy the courtship, get to know him and make sure you two are on the same page where a relationship is concerned. There is no rush, there's plenty of time for sex, as long as the emotional part is there. I think you have something great happening in your life, and it is very important to relax and make the best of it!

[Loriana]

I think because your relationship history hasn't been good it's in your mind now that any guy who pays you interest is the devil in disguise. As long as you over-analyze the situation and go looking for problems then eventually you will end up finding one.

 

Your ex might have been abusive, but doesn't mean that all guys are.

 

This guy seems like a genuine guy which is what we all hope to find, this could be the start of something good, try not to let the past determine the future.

[ParisPaulette]

Here's the real issue at hand. It isn't whether or not you can trust him, it's whether or not you can trust yourself.

 

What I mean by that is you cannot in four dates or possibly even four months predict if someone is going to be abusive or a bad person. Sometimes yes, the red flags are right there and sometimes the person has learned to hide them or reign them in or found another outlet to use to hide their true nature. And everyone, I mean literally every one of us who date any time at all, will run into these types of people. It isn't that one attracts them, we all do because they tend to be looking very heavily for anyone they can tear down and they aren't really that picky about it, they just need the type of person they enjoy tearing down to respond and the game is on. The trick is there are those of us who stay after we see the red flags while others of us say, "Never mind," and head for the door away from them.

 

And this is where you come in. Do you trust yourself enough to know, "Well, if I see red flags X, Y and Z then I'm out no matter how much I like the guy" or do you decide that if you're falling for them it no longer matters, that your feelings and not your common sense are what's going to rule here. Do you learn from past relationships what those red flags are? Do you trust in your own self-esteem and respect enough to simply say, "I take all people as they come into my life with an open front door and I have a wide open back door through which anyone I immediately see has certain red flags can go. And I do this no matter how much I've fallen for the person or how badly I want to believe what they say or not believe what I"m seeing instead."

 

You need to learn to trust your own self, your own intuition and just basic knowledge and intelligence that you will do the right thing first and foremost by yourself. Counseling can help that, but so can just deciding that it isn't that you're a hapless victim if someone turns out to be nasty, that it simply becomes the wake up call to end things no matter what they say or do and walk away right then and there. Not stay hoping it gets better, which I suspect is what you did in the past.

 

Also four dates is nothing, you are still getting to know each other. Continue to do so and keep in mind it isn't until you or he hits a rough patch that you'll get to really see how he is under pressure. Right now he sounds like a good guy, but you need to trust yourself enough to simply accept that if that turns out to be wrong you won't stay with him anyways. That's what you need to work on more than wondering if he's going to be okay or not, because that ability is the one that lets you not fall into an abusive relationship.

[journeynow]

Here's the real issue at hand. It isn't whether or not you can trust him, it's whether or not you can trust yourself.

 

This line^^^! True for most any (if not all) situations.

 

I'd like to make it part of my signature….