Kissing Scenes in Theatre

[Zoebird]

Hi,

I'm an actress, I've been acting for almost ten years now, and I've been in a committed relationship for almost a year. However, he has a problem with my doing any sort of kissing scene for my craft. He's fine with me kissing women because I am straight (technically demisexual, meaning he's the only person I could possibly have sexual attraction to at this point because I need an emotional attachment for attraction to occur), but he's very uncomfortable with the idea of me kissing other men. I've tried explaining that it's very clinical, not sexy, and my character, not me, doing the actual kissing and the emotive part, but he says that doesn't help. And he wants to understand because we're both very much in love, so he was hoping someone else might explain it in a way he can come to terms with. I want to make him as comfortable as I can with this because acting is my passion, so I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me on this front?

Thank you so much.

[Helpexpressme]

I think I also would feel uncomfortable with my girlfriend doing kissing scenes. You can't switch off attraction, that's why so many hollywood romances are born.

 

All you can do is not be attracted to any men you have to kiss, and hope for the best.

[Zoebird]

The thing is, I know it won't be a problem for me. I won't be attracted to any of the men I'd have to kiss because I'm rarely attracted to anyone in general. And I love him, so I don't even want to think about being with anyone else. But he can't see past the "she's actually kissing another man" thing, even if it's for a show, even if the only time I ever have contact with him is in rehearsals, or anything like that. I think he's getting better about it, but I want to help him along as much as I can.

[Helpexpressme]

It will be hard for anyone not in the industry to "understand" unless you get with another actor.

 

It's just something the general population does not feel comfortable with unless your in the "field".

[dias]

I wouldn't feel comfortable either. I couldn't have a relationship with an actress .

[Tayla92]

My brother is an actor, and has had to do quite a few kissing scenes and he's been with his girlfriend for 2 years now.

 

She didn't really come to terms with it in the beginning, was always very jealous and would get upset about it but has since adjusted to it and they have quite a stable relationship.

 

It's his passion as well and he wanted her to understand that, and that his career in acting is apart of who he is.

 

There's not much more you can do really, he either accepts it or he doesn't.

[tiredofvampires]

Here's what you tell him:

 

"One of the things that makes me feel so much love for you is that you support me and the things I do in my life. That is what makes you the only man I have eyes for. If you can let go of this jealousy, in order to support what I've been doing all this time, that makes you the man, and the only man, I want to be with."

 

I will say this, OP -- this level of jealousy to me would be unacceptable. I used to fight this battle (I'm not an actress, but I've been with some very jealous guys), but it's never one I've won, so now I know it's a hill I can't die on. I see it as being consumed with oneself, rather than the other; it's love-limiting in that way. Love is not about hoarding. If he is not listening to what I am telling him, he's got a very serious blind spot and an issue with his own viability. To me, a man who is comfortable enough to trust me -- especially if he knows I'm "demisexual" -- is an attractive man because he's not constantly living in fear about his value. A mature man understands this. His ability to give me freedom and take in what I'm saying is directly proportional to how devoted I feel to him. That is the irony you're going to have to explain to him.

 

If your boyfriend is unable to get past this, I'm not sure the relationship can work. You can't give up your passions because someone is unwilling to work on his irrational demons. So if he acknowledges this is his problem, not yours, that's a good start. If not, this will end badly I'm afraid.

 

Jealousy that is not warranted (as in, your partner has not betrayed your trust) is toxic, and it's ALWAYS a sign of fears of inadequacy at root. He'll have to face those demons, acknowledge they are there, to get anywhere with this. It's a habit of mind -- a habit. So it CAN change, but it has to be replaced with something that he doesn't have right now -- faith in his own value and its contribution to the relationship. If he's had bad experiences that have led him to this, then he has to deal with those issues -- you are a clean slate, and should not have to keep justifying yourself over others' misdeeds.

[annie24]

I think you have to tell him that you're a professional and part of this job is occasionally these staged kissing scenes (which are obviously not real, you are playing a character in a play/movie/TV show/commercial/whatever). It's like a doctor who gives a breast exam in his medical office, hopefully his wife does not get angry about that! If he doesn't get that, maybe he just isn't cut out to date an actress.

[sleepingdonut]

You could tell him how well all the Hollywood relationships usually work out... oh wait...

 

I doubt you can explain it. Some people will get it, some won't. It's like religious people vs atheists... neither is going to talk the other into their group.

[greta96]

Some people can handle being with actors, some people can't. This is why usually actors marry actors, because they understand each other and why some things need to happen.

Your boyfriend is not cut out to be with someone working in the industry, because he is unable to separate kissing based on feelings from kissing as a job. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong, it's just that the two of you are mismatched and need to be with different people. You will need to decide what's more important - being with him, or pursuing your career, unfortunately it's clear you can't have both. You need someone more confident, more secure in his own skin, and who can see outside the box and understand, truly understand, and support, what your career entitles. And if you pursue your dream, I'm sure you will meet lots of men who are a better match for you, in the industry.

[Fudgie]

You're sort of at an impasse. You're an actress, you're going to have to do kissing scenes. If you hold fast to your standard of "no kissing scenes", your career will go nowhere.

 

If your boyfriend can't understand that it is part of your job, then you need to get a new boyfriend.

 

I have a physical part of my job in that I take care of patients, wipe them, give them baths, sometimes rub their backs, brush their air, and yes, that includes cleaning "private areas". Sometimes I even go INTO the shower with them if I have to help them. It's my job. There are men who would be uncomfortable with that and would see it as "cheating" or something ridiculous even though it's part of my job and I get no pleasure from it. You know, those aren't the men for me and I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

 

Someone is not right for you if they can't accept your career.

[dias]

Well i don't think we should put every job that includes physical contact at the same equation . For instance , i wouldn't mind dating a nurse or a girl that is her job to look after people. But for me this is vastly different than being with an actress who kiss good looking people. And it's kissing , not cleaning/washing/taking care of. I mean it's an erotic gesture .And what if a scene requires nudity etc?

 

It depends tremendously on the person of course.

 

By the way , i think you should give this relationship a chance .

[Fudgie]

I don't see the two as being very different. Both deal with things that you do as part of your career that may make a partner uncomfortable. You're okay with a nurse or a doctor or a CNA cleaning patients or doing intimate exams but not an actress kissing other actors. And that's well and fine because those are your personal boundaries but it doesn't mean that in general, for others, what an actress does is "less acceptable" than what a nurse or a doctor does.

 

Frankly, I don't see how this relationship will work unless you specifically say "no kissing scenes" and hold yourself to that. And of course, that's a good way to bid farewell to your acting career. You simply cannot have that restriction. Anyone in the industry will tell you that.

[dias]

OP's bf says he wants to understand so maybe with the passage of time he will be able to accept it.

As for the rest ,yes ,they are just my personal boundaries . However , i never heard anyone complaining about his/her gf/bf being doctors,nurses etc but as you see there are people who don't feel comfortable with their other half being actors/actresses .

[j.man]

Actress by trade or hobby? I'd be much more inclined to look past it as a boyfriend if it were how my girlfriend made a living. However, if it were a hobby and she felt she needed to perform acts with kissing scenes after 10 years (hopefully) having the experience and reputation to be a bit more picky, it'd probably be a deal-breaker.

 

But really, either way, I'd probably just assume it comes with the territory of dating an actress and probably not date her to begin with. I know I used to be much more militant about it than I am now, so I don't know. I see it a lot like a stripper girlfriend who gives lap dances. It's purely compartmentalized and probably shouldn't be seen as a threat. But then again, I wonder if you'd be OK with your boyfriend kissing a female supervisor in order to move up in a company? To what extent is kissing others considered permissible so long as it's not compartmentalized romantically?

 

Pretty sticky stuff. All you can do is what you're doing now, OP. You are who you are and if acting with kissing scenes are what you wanna keep doing, then he'll just have to get used to that or leave (or you dump him if he keeps moaning about it). I'm sure there are plenty of men out there who could look past it.

 

(And before I'm jumped on about the stripper analogy, it's not that I'm judging actresses harshly, it's that I'm not judging strippers harshly.)

[j.man]

OP's bf says he wants to understand so maybe with the passage of time he will be able to accept it.

As for the rest ,yes ,they are just my personal boundaries . However , i never heard anyone complaining about his/her gf/bf being doctors,nurses etc but as you see there are people who don't feel comfortable with their other half being actors/actresses .

Even if a double standard, I think it should be pretty understandable why it's much more generally permissible for their partners to engage in physical contact for the purpose of medical treatment as opposed to entertainment. It's a bit hyperbolic to equate, say, kissing with CPR.

[Fudgie]

We have had men come on ENA talking about how they are uncomfortable with their SOs being nurses/CNAs because they are worried their SO will see a bigger penis and then get aroused and/or leave them. I've commented on such threads.

 

I've also seen threads started by women about how they are uncomfortable that their doctor SOs are doing OB-GYN exams because "I don't want my partner looking at someone's private parts. What if he examined a cute young woman?"

 

Trust me, they are out there.

 

Actually, I did a search one time (not ENA, just google) on guys being upset that their gfs were seeing male gynos (despite the fact that, by law, there has to be a female chaperone in there). I have a male gyno and he's great, quick and to the point, plus I like having a female chaperone in there for comfort and to hold my hand, which I wouldn't get if I have a female gyno. So I will not see a female gyno again.

 

One of my exes was really upset by this and told me that I was being "disrespectful" to the relationship by having a male gyno.

 

Everyone has different personal boundaries when it comes to partner's careers and what they do. The key is to find partners who are okay with whatever you're doing. Maybe the boyfriend will come around, maybe not. I just don't think OP should let her career stagnate for him, if that's her passion. She could easily find a boyfriend who is fine with her being an actress.

[j.man]

Oh, I'm not saying they don't exist. I simply think if you were to take a straw poll of people OK with their partners kissing in theater as opposed to bathing a nursing home patient or administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, the latter scenarios would come out ahead. That's of course based purely on conjecture.

 

When we moved to NYC, my girlfriend was searching for a gyno and asked if I'd be OK with having a male doctor doing it. I told her that if he were the best choice, then I'd actually prefer it. She chose a woman regardless. I've had ex's with male gynos and didn't care. I can very easily compartmentalize physical contact for medical purposes.

 

I do agree that if this is the OP's passion, kissing scenes included, she should keep at it. She's been upfront and honest about what she does and it's on the boyfriend to decide what she can handle.

 

I'm simply suggesting that if the OP is struggling to understand why the boyfriend is jealous even though she has to do it to further her acting career, she should ask herself if she'd be cool with him kissing a female boss to move up in a business. But who knows? She might well think that'd be fine. I think some people are just a lot more open-minded and permissive when it comes to that kinda stuff. Nothing wrong with it.

[dias]

I never suggested quiting her career for him.

Actually these are pretty subtle details and vary from person to person.

[Fudgie]

I don't see kissing someone in an acting scenario the same as OP's boyfriend kissing his female boss to get more money or a promotion.

 

I would be okay with dating an actor because I can compartmentalize really well, so I get it, as long as I don't have to see the scenes, you know? But I would not be okay with a partner kissing an authority figure to get ahead. To me, that is not palatable not because of the kissing, but because he's getting ahead with romantic/sexual favors, not because of merit or hard work. And that bothers me a lot.

 

In my eyes, an actor kissing his co-star in accordance with scene is just him doing his job and I could deal with that, but I couldn't deal with him kissing the female director or manager to try and get better parts based on his favors, not his actual ability as an actor. That's so skeevy.

[bulletproof]

And he wants to understand because we're both very much in love, so he was hoping someone else might explain it in a way he can come to terms with.

 

I think it's his responsibility to work through this, not yours to explain yourself. Maybe he should talk to other actors/actresses. Surely you know some, and surely they can't all be in relationships with other actors.

 

He knew you were an actress going into the relationship. So this is on him, in my opinion. You haven't changed. But he would like you to, and nobody should really ever go into a relationship with that agenda.

[Movingforward3]

I equate this to being a nurse. Having to put a catheter in or cleaning genitals. Not sexy in the least. Kissing while I was being directed likely the same thing. Is he that insecure he thinks you will run away with someone after just one kiss?

[tiredofvampires]

I see it a lot like a stripper girlfriend who gives lap dances. It's purely compartmentalized and probably shouldn't be seen as a threat. But then again, I wonder if you'd be OK with your boyfriend kissing a female supervisor in order to move up in a company?

 

You can't equate those situations with kissing scenes in a movie or play. They are definitely worlds apart.

Stripper and lap dances this entails a woman making money by getting other men sexually aroused. Her income is based on creating sexual fantasies for men that for her are just a way to get paid, but stripping is about becoming a sex object.

 

Kissing one's boss to get ahead that's simply blackmail, bribery, or harassment, if the boss has indicated this action will work; and if it's on the initiative of the employee, it's a form of prostitution -- it's trading a sexual favor for money.

 

These two examples (both of which involve directly making yourself a sex object and commodifying sex) involve personal choices to use one's body as a form of titillation or financial gain. Acting with a scene that has a kiss in it has to do with a craft that involves many different settings, moods, emotions, portraying a story, learning how to become a character, entertaining audiences with drama -- the focus is NOT sex, and a kissing scene is only part of building a story around a set of characters. Nothing to do with objectifying sex. I mean, no one would call a legitimate actress a "sex worker", but a stripper is one.

 

Kissing your boss or shaking your ass for money aren't art forms -- acting is one of the performing arts.

 

So completely different things. The OP's boyfriend asking if she'd be fine if he kissed his manager for a raise would be utterly preposterous, as an analogy. She's not kissing the director for a larger role, she's kissing a colleague as part of a script. If my bf tried to make this equation, I'd break up with him simply because it's so out there, he's clearly not getting what drama is about, and how it's different from interpersonal sexual power dynamics.

 

I think the medical analogy is much more appropriate -- you are seeing someone's body or interacting with it as part of a job that is not sexual, but may involve contact with sexual body parts at one point or another.

 

I would never consider asking my bf who my gynecologist should be. It's my body, my medical choices -- it's medicine, not sex. He sees 100 vaginas a day, like a dermatologist seeing skin all day, and that's not even including all the ones he saw in medical school when they were dissected. If I even thought my bf had a preference, let alone a problem, one way or the other with it, that would be a colossal dealbreaker. That would indicate to me an unbridgeable and unacceptable level of insecurity in my partner. Different strokes for different folks.

[saluk]

In some cultures and time periods, kissing on the lips is not even seen as a romantic gesture. I think that many people are able to kiss others in a non-romantic way, and it's something that actors get used to. It may be a bit awkward at first, but very quickly it is just another bit of the pretend, no different from pretending another actor is your husband or wife; your child; your parent; your friend; or any other part of the story. I don't think many actors hook up with other actors because of the fake kissing. Kissing is one of the least worrisome elements of acting.

 

The biggest issue with acting is the long periods of downtime and rehearsal in situations where the other person is your only form of entertainment. Because of your position in the script as "lovers" and all of the time you will spend together rehearsing your scenes, it is easy to form a bond. The bond is not formed over the fake elements in the script, or the rehearsed and blocked physical movements and touch that are for the stage; but over the unscripted moments that occur amidst all of the rehearsing; conversations over the cup of coffee in the morning; and walking down to the 7-11 together to pick up snacks when you get a quick break in the afternoon and need some fresh air before the next exhausting rehearsal set.

 

Additionally, in order to bring about real emotion on stage, it usually involves digging into real emotions, and this can quickly lead to intimacy between cast members that isn't a danger in most other professions, where the boundary between what happens outside of work and what happens inside is more strict. In acting out a scene where two lovers have an argument, the actor may remember the argument with their significant other the night before and bring that energy into the scene. Even if not stated, the element of truth that sells the scene to an audience can also be quite revealing for the actor, like they have shared a secret with their cast members.

 

So when considering boundaries, consider these ones, and how you might negotiate those kinds of dangers. I don't have much to add regarding how to assuage his concern over the kissing scenes. His worry is a pretty common one on here so you might search and see what people have replied to other guys with the same issue, if you can find a case where the advice helped. Ultimately, if he really cares for you, and your job means enough to you, and you can show him how important it is for you and that you don't want to put limits on what roles you can play, he will find a way to get through it. I think most couples have parts of each others lives that they don't accept immediately, but have to learn how to accept.

[redswim30]

He either accepts it or he doesn't. It's part of your job. He either understands that or he doesn't.

 

 

It's like being a doctor and touching naked people of the opposite sex, it's part of your job. A person in a relationship with a doctor has to understand that or it won't work out.

If they can't handle it, they can't date a doctor.

 

Same applies here, if he can't accept it, you need to find someone else who does. It's why most actors end up with other actors, they understand the profession and that's it's not real.