Blindsided. Seeking Advice Desperately.

[exesandohs]

I am new to this forum and joined solely in hopes that I can get some true, un-biased advice from as many of you as possible.

 

Back Story: Me: Was in two consecutive long term relationships for a total of 7 years. Him: In a long term relationship for 5.5 years.

 

Story: Started "talking" about 2 years ago. Started off as just friendly conversation, until about a few months in where we couldn't deny the chemistry, attraction, etc despite both of us being recently out of long term relationships and not looking for anything serious. About 6 months in, we began dating. However, with life as it is, in the past 1.5 years of dating, it has been extremely up and down and back and forth. It has not been smooth sailing to say the least but it's been real. In these times of being "off" we both have not seen or been with anyone else. We've grown individually and together and always end up back to one another. As of the last 4-6 months, things have been better than ever and we've both finally taken the last serious steps of being "official" and for lack of a better word, have been constantly legit and started "sharing" a life together.

 

Shortly after realizing the romantic connection, I started to wonder about his ex. They dated for 5.5 years, lived together, had pets, etc aka were very serious. Him and I talked all day, every-day and he literally never even so much as mentioned her. I asked about her and he point blank said he has zero romantic feelings for her. I thought this to be weird has their breakup was very abrupt and for them being together so long, it seemed rather strange. I would let go. Then weeks, months would pass and I would bring her up again and another fight would arise and then I would be assured that I had nothing to worry about, she was non-existent, etc. I am a very smart girl, and with that, comes being skeptical of this. However, for some reason, I just really genuinely believed he was over her and that was that. She was literally never brought up in conversation again for the next year+. As I said, we have had our share of battles and ups and downs, but none of could be attributed to any issues from past relationships. (Or So I thought...) Literally, ZERO indication what so ever of there being anything fishy.

 

This past month, he had a job change, Ive been under a lot of stress in Med School and we both generally have just sucked. We have not been seeing eye to eye on most things and it was just discouraging considering our long history and how good we've been as a couple. However, tonight, he called me to tell me he had news. He said "My ex called me today for the first time since we split". (I was obviously shocked considering neither of us has mentioned her in an extremely long time, and it was the first time in two years he brought her up.) Surprised, I said "and"? and he continued with "She told me she was pregnant and it made me realize that I am 100% over her and 100% committed to you no matter what".

 

......

 

 

Yes. And he said it almost as if I should be happy and proud of him for realizing it!!! and for an insanely smart guy, he was genuinely confused about WHY I was upset for what he said?

 

SO: Am I reading too much into this and taking it as an insult when it wasn't meant to be OR am I reacting appropriately?

 

The shock factor is that, I didn't know he wasn't 100% over her or 100% committed to me this whole time? If she wasn't pregnant, would he still be so sure?

 

I am open and desperately in need of your advice and opinions on where to go from here. This is not someone Ive met a couple times. This is someone who Ive known for 10 years, and have been emotionally and physically invested in for 2 years now so this is a brutal breaking point of staying or leaving.

 

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take a few minutes to give me your best, most honest advice.

 

Thank you so much!

[Willywagtail]

My most honest advice is that you're totally overthinking it. He's over her and love you. Yay! Even during a period when things have been bad between you.

 

Maybe you were too focussed on the ex from the start. All this questions and a runners and doubts. Why?? And, why would you be considering breaking up about this is quite simply, beyond me. Stop sabotaging your relationship!

[missmarple]

I see your point and I would feel the same way. I would talk to him about it..as calmly as possible. Don't accuse, let him speak and explain what he meant. It sounds like he meant he wasn't sure he was over her until he found out she was pregnant.

If he confirms that that is the case, you have a decision to make. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone just because they can't be with someone else. It's a tough situation because you've been together for a long time.

Maybe he just worded it wrong and meant something different?

Talk to him about it..in person.

[notalady]

Sometimes I found in the past where I think I was over an ex, but it wasn't until I see them again a long time after break up that I realised wow I am well and truly over him because I just felt nothing seeing him. That's always a nice affirmation to myself.

 

So I wouldn't get upset and just calmly ask him what he meant by what he said. It may very well be the case I described.

[exesandohs]

My most honest advice is that you're totally overthinking it. He's over her and love you. Yay! Even during a period when things have been bad between you.

 

Maybe you were too focussed on the ex from the start. All this questions and a runners and doubts. Why?? And, why would you be considering breaking up about this is quite simply, beyond me. Stop sabotaging your relationship!

 

first of all, your avatar is amazing and its so amazing that i secretly want to be best friends with you! ha

anyway, i love and appreciate your advice. my logical brains says what yours is in that im being a drama queen (even though im the complete

opposite) and should just check it for what is.

 

the ex has not even played the smallest role within our relationship for the last year or even more so she literally hasnt crossed my mind. When he called to tell me, It sounded like he was genuinely excited to tell me his "exciting news". I guess my issue doesnt like in what he said, my issue likes within the last 2 years, being in love, loving, me wanting move in together, etc. I dont understand how any of that is truly possible to feel when you still havent gotten over your ex of over 2 years until she got pregnant.

 

to me, and please tell me if im wrong, but basically its like your BFF in the whole world won tickets to your favorite Sports Teams ever and your friend knows how much you love them and how youd die to go and he calls and said "my other buddy cant come so you wanna go" sloppy seconds is the vibe i get but please prove me wrong, im all for a devils advocte and your lovely advice. keep it comin' gollum

[exesandohs]

you sound quite intelligent. And I, too have been in another situation similar to yours and it is a beautiful feeling, girl

 

I guess, what still bothers me, is has it that he now realize because she has kids, they probably wont ever get back together? I know that this sounds so egotistical. He is amazing; amazingly attactive, high calibre job, retired pro athlete, etc. so in other word's hes got it going on. However, I feel like I have myself going so i cant fathom being somone eles's sloppy second so to speak. and the other part this is driving me crazy is how do you tell someone youre in love with me, want them in your life forever, tell your friends/mum that youre in love with his girlfriend, how can you do all/ say all/ feel all that WTIHOUT being over your ex? Can you, or someone help with that part? haha

[exesandohs]

thank you for your very helpful insight, keep 'em coming haha

you make some very valid points and very similar to my initial thought of thinking.

i truly feel so numb and lost because he basically declared his love/comittment for me in thr world way possible.

but as the most hurtul and blinded about ALL of this is fixing a problem I didnt even know we had? so now it opens up a whole other can of worms about whats real vs. not.

[Hazyillusions]

Being in love with ine person and not being over/still have feelings for another are 2 separate things. I started getting really attached to my bf after 5-6 months of dating, but only until a few days ago have I fully let my ex go. It took me more than 2 years to get over him, but it didn't discount how I feel for my bf. It's a completely different issue. Sometimes it can't be helped.

[exesandohs]

thank you so much and make some really really great points.this post is also exactly what im looking for in the sense ive always been the type to over someone or i wasnt. there was never grey area. so that being said what is the grey area of not being completely over them? can you really be as commited and in love as you say you are with the person youre dating unless youre already over your ex? i guess im just confused. you seem to know more about they grey area between the two!

[Ms Darcy]

Is this about what he said or more about some underlying incompatibility that makes your relationship up and down. With my friends, up and down relationships means that the attraction is very strong but they can't seem to be on the same wavelength mentally and emotionally.

 

I dont find it a problem for a man to say he is over someone else and committted to you. It's a compliment delivered in a way you didn't like, but still a compliment nonetheless. Please don't add more drama. You guys don't have much of a future if you don't have some years of smoother sailing.

[WithLove]

I think he's remembering how you brought up his ex twice, even though he reassured you that she was history. He just wants you to know that she really is not in the picture at all, especially now that she is having a family of her own, and instead of you asking, he's taking the initiative and sharing this info with you first. He loves you and wants to be with you and is proving it to you. Relax and enjoy it. Stop the drama. Be happy!

[exesandohs]

Hey everyone,

Thanks again for your input. I have a few more questions for you all.

 

1. Many of you had said that what he said was a compliment. I completely agree in the sense that I also think he intended it as a compliment. However, and not disputing your opinion, but his exact phrasing was "My ex called me today for the first time since we split to tell me she is pregnant and it made me realize that I'm 100% over her and I'm 100% ready to be fully committed to you"

 

Now again, feel free to be honest if I'm just being an , but this to me insinuates he wasn't ready before and also wasn't 100% committed (whatever that entails) Even if this was to be the case that he DID just get over her, it would still be fine but the fact is that he insisted he was both 100% committed and 100% over her for over a year....

 

 

Also for a few other users, I'm also wanting to pick your brain about the "being over" someone even means. A couple of you said you can be completely happy with the one you're with but still not be over someone from your past. I guess I'm just looking for examples or clarification because i honestly just have never experienced that kind of grey area Before. Thanks again

[WithLove]

I mean, I think there's always a gray area where an ex is concerned, especially if it's one that you've been with for a long time. You can't just forget that chunk of your life. You shared it with someone, you know? I think things fade with time. I'm with someone now; I broke up with my ex last year, and I am over him, and yet, if I saw him at a store or in a parking lot, I'd probably run in the other direction, to be honest. I just don't want anything to do with him. Time will heal that. It doesn't mean I'm not ready to move on with someone else. It just means I haven't forgotten the pain of the past.

 

I think you and your man will be fine. I think maybe he just didn't word what he meant. I would put it behind you and concentrate on the future.

[Helpexpressme]

I think her calling him to tell him she was pregnant is odd to me. Were they still friends all this time?

 

Why would she do that? Anyways I guess her news closed that door for him, and now he is telling you he will put in more effort to the relationship.

 

I'd be insulted too.

[HeartGoesOn]

"My ex called me today for the first time since we split to tell me she is pregnant and it made me realize that I'm 100% over her and I'm 100% ready to be fully committed to you

 

I can certainly see where you're coming from here. His choice of words would make me question if he saw me only as a temporary distraction while being together for two years, and was biding his time while waiting for an opening to be back in his ex's life. I would also find it odd that she would contact him out of the blue with this recent news, especially after telling you that he never gives her any thought.

 

At any rate, you obviously know him better than we do and I'm sure you'll find your way through this.

[exesandohs]

THANK YOU

I didnt even think to mention that, if they haven't spoken in 2 years, why would she call him with such big news? If that was me, Id call my ex to tell him that if 1. It was his 2. I wanted to elicit a reaction out of him 3. to see if he still cared.

 

can anyone think of any other reasons why shed do that?!? I cant. and any one of those possible reasons would signify theres a lot more to their history than just what I've been told.

 

Am I just being paranoid now? Like come on.

[missmarple]

Do you know how/why they broke up? Who left whom?

[exesandohs]

She was recruited as RCMP Officer and had to move across the country for her training. He couldn't go because of his work so she left and he stayed and that was that.

[Ms Darcy]

Ok, so if he wasn't completely over her until now, what do you want from him? What are you going to do? Break up with him?

[exesandohs]

Well thats why I started this forum.

because if he wasn't actually over her until now, then the last year and a half has felt like a lie to me,

I dont know if it's just me or not, but Id have a pretty hard leading a happy relationship with someone knowing they're only with me because they can't be with someone else so Im in even more emotional turmoil than before

[missmarple]

She was recruited as RCMP Officer and had to move across the country for her training. He couldn't go because of his work so she left and he stayed and that was that.

 

I see.

I understand the situation a bit better now. If there were no problems in the relationship and the only reason they broke up was distance, I can see why he might wonder what if (what if he had moved to be with her etc etc).

 

My guess? He had been wondering and when he heard she's pregnant, he felt nothing and that proved to him that he had been over her and totally into you. It seems like he hadn't lied to you, he just hadn't shared his inner thoughts with you and that's why you were shocked by his final conclusion.

[betterfly]

Hi, just my 2 cents. I was in a (somewhat) similar situation. I was dating someone, who I thought still might have feelings for his ex. They broke up two years prior to us meeting each other, but she broke up with him and there was a lot of drama. He believed that they were meant to be together and hoped that in a few years they would. He also worked on himself a lot in order to be a perfect guy for her. Later, according to him, he was doing it for himself.

In any case, he would always assure me that he was not interested in her, but I never truly completely believed it, because he wouldn't want to get into details. I acted paranoid and ruined many potentially happy moments. At the end he broke up with me, because he could't take it anymore.

 

What I am saying is, based on my mistakes, I would recommend that you:

 

1) Try to talk to him (CALMLY), and explain your feelings. ATTENTION: it might take more than just one conversation, so when he's tired of the topic, let it go. Then come back to it later, and also observe changes in him. He might not know how he felt/feels about things, because he might not have courage to truly ask himself. Allowing him to open up in a safe environment and be accepting should help.

 

2) If you don't feel comfortable about the whole situation, don't be afraid to take some time. If he truly cares (I'm sure he does), he will be gentle with your feelings and will give you reassurance that you're looking for. The worst case scenario: he'll realize that yes, you're not her, and she's all he wants. In that case, you don't want to be stuck with that guy anyway.

 

Hope it helps

 

PS: I am still heartbroken and now that we're not together, I think he might actually try and go back to her. But I also realize the importance of that - if they're meant to be together, at least I'll discover now, after one year with him and not 5-10 or more.

[SoulTaker]

Story: Started "talking" about 2 years ago. Started off as just friendly conversation, until about a few months in where we couldn't deny the chemistry, attraction, etc despite both of us being recently out of long term relationships and not looking for anything serious. About 6 months in, we began dating. However, with life as it is, in the past 1.5 years of dating, it has been extremely up and down and back and forth. It has not been smooth sailing to say the least but it's been real. In these times of being "off" we both have not seen or been with anyone else. We've grown individually and together and always end up back to one another. As of the last 4-6 months, things have been better than ever and we've both finally taken the last serious steps of being "official" and for lack of a better word, have been constantly legit and started "sharing" a life together.

 

There are a few things to consider:

 

1. It's called "closure". Any previous comments about not thinking about the "ex", are incorrect. This is not unusual when there is a breakup that was not caused by a "deal breaker".
   
2. There's too much focus on the "ex", and not enough on the "ups & downs" over 18 months. This should not be happening in a good relationship. It raises questions of whether there's chemistry, but not compatibility.
   
3. "It's been real" is no excuse for being in a bad relationship. There should be no periods of being "off" in a good relationship. There's something wrong here. You should want a man who's with you because you're "head & shoulders" better than the "ex", and not because the "ex" is now pregnant. Just saying...
   

[exesandohs]

Thank you for your time in replying, and it's extremely helpful to see it from a male perspective.

Honestly, everything you said to consider, were my initial reaction, and essentially, what I made the post about was whether or not my initial reaction was just being paranoid, or valid.

1. I think you're right, and no matter if you're over an ex or not, they will cross your mind at some point or another so I didn't really put too much emphasis on the fact that he said he never thought about her because realistically, that wouldn't be the case.

2. I agree.

3. Agreed. When I first heard the comment phrased like that, what I got out of it was, he couldn't be with her because she's pregnant, so I will "do the trick" so to speak. However, he was with me, even before she was pregnant, so the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I am just overreacting to a poorly worded statement.

--After speaking with him, he is adamant that he did not mean it in the way that I took it and that he admits it was poorly worded, and it was meant to be reassurance for me "even though I haven't brought her up in a long time, he could tell she still bothered me"

 

Is this just him doing damage control or is it possible he really just fudged up his wording? Thoughts?

[exesandohs]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. It truly has helped me see different sides of things. Essentially, his comment of "Now that she's pregnant, it made me certain I am entirely over her and completely invested/committed to you" could mean 1 of 2 things.

 

1. He thought he was over her, and if he didn't care that she was pregnant, he truly doesn't care about her either way because if anything was going to bother him, hearing she was pregnant would probably be it.

OR

2. Any thoughts of him getting back together with her were shut out once he found out she was pregnant.

 

Thoughts?