Dumpers: Some Questions For You.

[BeHeard]

I have a tendency to see a lot of posts from dumpees, and I know most of us will not get our answers or closure from our dumpers, so I am curious to know if any dumpers would like to answer questions we might have. May help, may not, or I might just be feeding a fire. I myself am curious to know:

 

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so?

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person?

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there?

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance?

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be?

 

Call me Devil's Advocate if you wish

[overthemoon86]

Here you go...

 

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so? Annoyed...like a fly that won't go away and even when you swat it, won't die.

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person? No regrets in life, just lessons.

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there? Nope, there was a reason I walked away.

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance? Because the relationship had run its course

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be? Silence

[TMifune]

I'm not in a position to answer your question, but it seems way too general.

 

Imagine three scenarios.

 

1. Dumper left because their partner was abusive and after repeated attempts to work it out wouldn't make an effort.
   
2. Dumper left because their partner cheated on them and they decided reconciliation was a bad idea.
   
3. Dumper met someone new and just decided the excitement of the new was more valuable than the stability of the known.
   

 

I mean I would expect those people to answer the questions completely differently. So without the backstory to me the answers to the questions pretty much mean nothing.

[j.man]

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so?

Annoyed... very much annoyed. Depending how they're contacting me, very possibly pretty pissed. Luckily, it's never been easier to block people and cut them out if need be. Do I view them differently? Not as a person altogether, no. Heartbreak causes a lot of people to lose a couple screws. That, and I try to think about what it would be like to lose the chance to be with me. It would suck a lot.

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person?

No regrets whatsover. It also doesn't have to be the other person's problem. Incompatibility doesn't necessarily have to entail faults.

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there?

Never.

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance?

The fact I dumped them to begin with. It's never a light decision to break someone's heart. Last thing I want to do is perform an encore of it.

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be?

Be happy. Genuinely. I've had one or two absolutely rotten girlfriends in my life. I still hope they get their acts together and find a man who they're happy with... as long as it's not me.

[ladystardust]

I was the dumpee in my most recent relationship, but I have usually been the dumper in the past. Every relationship is different, but just thinking of the last time I dumped someone (we were together for almost a year) ...

 

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so?

I was flattered the first few times he contacted me, which started about a month after I broke up with him. But after it became clear that I wasn't really on board with getting back together with him, he got really insulting and rude ... then started playing games with me ... I'm glad we finally stopped having contact last summer.

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person?

Most of the problem was him, I do believe that, but I regret that I let him treat me badly for as long as I did ... I wish I had dumped him sooner. But I wish that I had been kinder to him when we were together and when we were breaking up. He's not a bad person, but I was angry at him because he didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated (cause he was obsessed with his ex-wife; I took that personally, but now I realize that was no reflection on me).

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there?

I did consider reconciling but I would have had to see huge changes in him, and that wasn't happening ... I realized after a while of thinking about it that we were just not meant to be and I was not happy with him, even though I loved him.

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance?

Our relationship made me very unhappy and I felt that I deserved better treatment.

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be?

Can't think of anything.

[Lindorie]

I've been thw dumper in all of my relationships but the last one where the split was mutual, so I can tell you my perspective.

 

1) Constant contacting from the dumpee would usually get on my nerves and make me even more firm in my decision. However if the relationship was long and mostly good, I don't mind some friendly contact after things have cooled down a bit and there's no more drama etc. With mosy of my exes we drifted apart with time but stay on good terms if we happen to meet.

 

2) I believe that relationship is between two people and so there's never only one person to blame (except in extreme cases like cheating, abuse etc). None of us is perfect and we all make mistakes. So far I've regretted two breakups in my life, in the first one I eventually ended back with the guy but it didn't last because he hasn't changed one bit and thought we would just go back to normal - we did, and so have our problems that led to another split. The second one is a recent one and I mostly regret it because I think we were really good together until life got in the way and we failed at dealing with it. In all the other cases there was a really good reason for breaking up so even though it hurt me too, I didn't regret my decision.

 

3) Kinda answered this one above, but too give more details, my first reconciliation took about a month and it was a bad decision. We were young and stupid, none of has had changed while we were apart and the second chance failed just like the first did. I do believe that sometimes you realize what you had only when you lost it, especially when you're young and get GIGS, bit in order for the reconciliation to work the both of you have to work on your separate problems and fixing yourself before even thinking about the second chance if you want it to actually work out. It's also healthy to give each other some space to cool down and think things through - go NC or LC for a while, whatever suits your situation best.

 

4) The dumpee putting too much pressure on me to decide and suffocating me by being clingy. Also realizing that they haven't changed one bit and are not willing to work out their and our problems. It also happened that my feelings simply faded and I didn't love them anymore, but that was when I was younger and the relationships weren't all that serious.

 

5) It's not that much what they say as it is what they do - the person would have to show me they've changed and realize what the issues were and are willing to work to make our relationship good again.

 

Hope that helps

[thejigsup]

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so? It makes me feel very annoyed. I tend to think of them as needy and immature, maybe desperate.

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person? I really don't think about it. When I'm done, I'm done. If they were a nice person I wish them well, but never contact them.

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there? No. Never.

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance? Like I said, when I'm done, I'm done. I've given it a lot of thought and decided that it wasn't going to work. So, no, no second chances.

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be? "Goodbye, I wish you well." That would make me respect them very much.

[dave_1966]

Interesting that most of the dumpers here are female, it backs up statistics.

[ParisPaulette]

I've been both dumpee (usually) and dumper. So here goes from my experiences.

 

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so?

 

Embarrassed, angry, sad. It's over, I've said it's over, so yeah it's over. I don't say that unless I really mean it. And yes, any negative perceptions of the other person tripled instantly into that of the opinion they were trying to manipulate me or play the boohoo card on me. Now, that's because I've only ever dumped people who were toxic in the first place and it is just the most annoying thing ever.

 

My ex-husband was a mutual breakup and he was a total class act, it was all about the kids and taking care of them. Totally fine he contacted me frequently to iron out details about how to split the households and ease our kids into the transition.

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person?

 

The only thing I ever regretted in having to dump someone was that I didn't do it sooner. I always knew months in advance that the day was coming, but cowardice or weakness or hope would keep me from pulling the trigger.

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there?

 

No, never.

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance?

 

Cheating, emotional abuse, drug abuse, in one case physical abuse and lying--i.e. serious red flag behaviors. Once I broke it off for good with someone who had done one or more of those things and I got to the point of "so this is what life is like without crying all the time," I was never going back. Even if I was still in love with the person at the time of the break, because most of the time I was. But I just had gotten to the point of no return or the negatives outweighed the positives so far there was simply no way I was going to stick around for more.

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be?

 

Nothing. Apologies don't really mean much to me when someone has really been sh*tty to me. It's sort of "too late." Long-term therapy that they engage in, full blown lifestyle changes, I'd like to see every single person I left do that, because I think they need it and it would help them have a better life. I never hated any of my exes, it's just I hated their behaviors. They'd need to fully change those behaviors and be able to show they had long term done so, not just promising to do so or saying they were gonna. Gonnas are another thing I can't stand. Don't ever "gonna" me, because that is the ultimate kiss of death in my eyes. People who've done that are pretty much dead to me forevermore.

[HLnoelle]

I concur with overthemoon86, and j.man. Also has anyone had an ex that proceeded to contact family members? I found out my ex reached out to my parents (whom he hasn't even met in person) but spoke to briefly about job opportunities previously via email. He basically emailed them to thank them and "check up on me." Mind you this a year after we were together. Well my parents told me and thought I was being too harsh by ignoring him (I blocked him on my phone after the breakup). They thought we could still maintain a friendship. But why? Why waste my time when I know I don't see myself with him, and I know we could never have a platonic friendship anyways. He clearly hasee other motives. Well my parents think he was just reaching out to be nice. Then days after I get a missed call from him. I just switched my phone to new device but same number. So I had to restock him. Seriously the most annoying thing.

[HLnoelle]

*Re-block him

[greta96]

1) How does a dumpee that frequently contacts you makes you feel and how do you view them or think differently about them when they do so?

 

It is one of the most annoying things ever, because I feel bad enough for dumping (usually) and the constant nagging on their part and attempts to keep in touch only rehash those feelings and make me feel guilty over and over again. Not in the way the dumpee would like me to feel though! I view a dumpee who just won't understand that it's really over as too weak, clingy, and in my mind it just reinforces the idea that I made a great decision by dumping them sooner rather than later.

 

2) Do you have regrets and think about those regrets, or pretty much believe a majority of the problem was the other person?

 

No regrets, I just don't dwell on the breakup at all. I don't break up unless I know 100% I won't regret it and that it was for the best, so once I dumped, I move on and try not to look back (unless, as outlined in part 1, the dumpee keeps breaking no contact, in which case I just get annoyed)

 

3) Have you ever considered, if secretly in your mind and against your better judgement, reconciling... and about how long did that take to even get there?

 

Never. Like I said, I only dump when I know with 100% certainty that's what I want, and that I would have no regrets. Once I dumped, it means there is no possible way for reconciliation.

 

4) What made you decide to NOT give it a second chance?

 

The dumpees begging me to take them back, or playing mind games such as parade themselves with new people under my nose just to show me they'd moved on (only to contact me a few days later to see if I'd changed my mind about taking them back lol).

But generally, I already know there won't be a second chance because I only dump when I'm sure that's what I want.

 

5) If you could hear them say one thing or see an action from them that would change how you previously thought about them the most, what would it be?

 

Them accepting the breakup graciously, and respecting my wish to have no further contact. That I admire and appreciate quite a lot, and it's the only thing that may make me second guess my decision to dump. In the end, I stay broken up of course, but I will admit that them going no contact and holding their own does do wonders in my eyes.