Shyness and anxiety is ruining my life!!!

[regretgirl]

All insight and advice is extremely appreciated and valued.

 

Basically I am dealing with terrible social anxiety, insecurity and a constant feeling of emptiness. I don't know how to get myself out of this hole.

 

I was always extremely shy as a child. I had a lot of trouble fitting in socially and making friends with the other children. At lunchtime I remember always sitting alone on the benches or with a teacher because I was so nervous all the time. Now that I look back at it, the way my parents treated me gave me high anxiety and low self-esteem growing up which probably caused this.

 

Anyway, I don't know what happened, but between the ages of 15 - 18 I became extremely (maybe overly) confident. Social situations were a breeze for me and I looked forward to them. I could always somehow come up with witty, funny, interesting things to say off the top of my head and people always wanted to be around me. I could be very flirty, sexy and charming when I wanted to be... It's like I had this intrinsic knowledge of how to be charismatic and likable by everyone I came into contact with. I had so many friends and I had forgotten what anxiety even felt like. Those were the happiest years of my life and now I'm afraid I'll never find that within myself again.

 

Fast forward four years... It's like I have no personality anymore. No wit, no spark, no nothing... I feel so empty inside. I'm only in my early twenties but that person I used to be seems so far removed from who I am now. I try to think of what sorts of things I used to say and how I used to act but I can't. It's like I'm a clone of myself with the same outward appearance but dead and robotic on the inside. Devoid of any uniqueness and filled with insecurities. I'm ashamed to meet up with my friends from high school because I hate how meek, boring and unsure of myself I've become. I don't know how to cultivate new friendships or bring old ones back from the dead.

 

This all started when I moved thousands of miles away to university. I went with a boyfriend that I had at the time (terrible idea) and we literally spent every waking second together. If I wasn't spending time with him, I was at my dorm alone on the internet. This went on for three years... Three f***ing years of my precious youth. Spent with a toad that would always verbally put me down and who never wanted to go out anywhere. When we broke up, go figure, I realized just how alone I was in this foreign country. I hadn't made any friendships while I was there and I was so lonely and sad. Since I felt so down about myself, I spent the last year of university completely isolated. The most interaction I had was speaking to a cashier at the grocery store or exchanging a few words with a classmate about homework. Seriously. In essence I only truly interacted with one person during a three year span. Staying in that relationship and not nurturing other social relationships during that time was the biggest regret of my entire life. I had another relationship after that but my depression and insecurity sabotaged that so I'm single again. I've accepted that it's over, have moved on and don't want to be in another relationship until I sort myself out.

 

Anyway, now I'm back in my home town and I've forgotten how to socialize. I am so awkward, it's excruciating! I've tried meeting up with people and it's just not the same. Everyone else has grown in amazing ways and I've shrunk. I have nothing to offer to any conversation and I feel so out of place everywhere I go. I avoid leaving the house in case I see people I know and if I do go somewhere, it usually gets so overwhelming that I have to escape. I'm so very shy and unhappy with myself. I've started going to therapy and I'm hopeful I can make some kind of progress... It's just hard for me to picture dropping this crippling anxiety and depression and being the life of the party again. How could I have changed so drastically and how do I get myself back?!

 

I know this was very long so I appreciate you getting this far. Any wise words would be amazing!

[dias]

I think you dwell on it too much. You were secluded as you say for 4 years (it's a long period) so you need to give it time. Don't push yourself too hard to become the life of the party again. Start socializing a little bit more day by day and eventually you will overcome this impediment. Personally, i drew the inference that you have a shy part and an outgoing part. You should try to find a balance.

[woodsrose10]

I was always extremely shy as a child. I had a lot of trouble fitting in socially and making friends with the other children. At lunchtime I remember always sitting alone on the benches or with a teacher because I was so nervous all the time. Now that I look back at it, the way my parents treated me gave me high anxiety and low self-esteem growing up which probably caused this.

 

Anyway, I don't know what happened, but between the ages of 15 - 18 I became extremely (maybe overly) confident. Social situations were a breeze for me and I looked forward to them. I could always somehow come up with witty, funny, interesting things to say off the top of my head and people always wanted to be around me. I could be very flirty, sexy and charming when I wanted to be... It's like I had this intrinsic knowledge of how to be charismatic and likable by everyone I came into contact with. I had so many friends and I had forgotten what anxiety even felt like. Those were the happiest years of my life and now I'm afraid I'll never find that within myself again.

Interesting, what do you think happened that caused such a drastic change in your personality?

 

This went on for three years... Three f***ing years of my precious youth. Spent with a toad that would always verbally put me down and who never wanted to go out anywhere.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, something pretty similar happened to me when I was in college. I dated this guy named Chris, and the first year we were together I lived in a townhouse on campus which was I was made to live in; then the last year and a half I was at college I signed up to live in the same dorm as Chris so I could be close to him. Ugh, I regret that so much, as the second year we were together things started to change between us.

 

Anyway, now I'm back in my home town and I've forgotten how to socialize. I am so awkward, it's excruciating! I've tried meeting up with people and it's just not the same. Everyone else has grown in amazing ways and I've shrunk. I have nothing to offer to any conversation and I feel so out of place everywhere I go. I avoid leaving the house in case I see people I know and if I do go somewhere, it usually gets so overwhelming that I have to escape. I'm so very shy and unhappy with myself. I've started going to therapy and I'm hopeful I can make some kind of progress... It's just hard for me to picture dropping this crippling anxiety and depression and being the life of the party again. How could I have changed so drastically and how do I get myself back?!

I get a sense that you are suffering from clinical depression. And I agree that you should keep going to therapy, and maybe even start reading some self-help books. (You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay is a good one.)

[Kate221]

Hi,

 

Sorry to hear you are feeling like that. I was in a very similar situation myself. I lost a lot of friends and social opportunites because i devoted all of my time to my relationship. Once that relationship ended I was at a complete loss. I became deeply depressed and had major self esteem issues. I couldnt make eye contact with people and felt so isolated.

 

Luckily 2 of my friends stuck by me and were glad I had ended the relationship. I have to admit I had to apologise to them and explain the situation and what had been going on. Maybe you should explain to a few of your closer friends or people you feel comfortable with about whats been going on? Maybe they will help you to get more involved or arrange to see you more so that the anxiety eases in a smaller group and then you can build that up to more and more people being around? Your friends are there to listen and I'm sure if you told them the truth they would understand and help you to come up with solutions. You have to speak to someone and not keep bottling everything up.

 

I would also recommend volunteering or something. Something that your passionate about so you would have a lot to say on the topic. You would also meet people of the same interests to you - little steps to learning how to interact agin. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I found that I just had to overcome these hurdles and force myself to attend. At first i didnt want to go but Once i volunteered I was able to build up relationships gradually. I couldnt imagine not going.

 

Its not always natural to feel at ease with people straight and people are often shy. I would say take small steps and start by contacting your high school friends or who you were closest to. Then build it up from there. Dont isolate yourself because you will make yourself worse.

 

I'm sure there are so many people who would love to get to know you more. I thought i would never make friends again and I did. It was through a shared common interest or because i toughened up enough to ask someone a question about themselves and that prompts a conversation. Everyone wants to meet new people.

 

I'm glad you are going to therapy as this helped me so much. Be honest with your therapist and try and get to the root of the problem about your social anxiety. You should also speak to someone about your anxiety and low mood as I found this also affected making friends. Speak to your GP about that.

 

I really hope things improve for you

[catfeeder]

Awww, my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you've started therapy. That means you're not fooling around, you're serious about change. That alone is progress, and I hope you'll give yourself credit for that.

 

Also give yourself credit for the fun years when you broke out of your earlier shyness. That's the only proof you need that you can do it again.

 

This time will likely be better and richer, because youthful precociousness is about 'look at ME!' while the stuff of maturity is 'Please let me to learn more about myself by learning about YOU.'

 

Making that switch in your focus that will allow you to break out of your self-imposed rut more easily. Reach for your curiosity about others and find ways to connect with people through that, and this will move your barriers of fear aside in order to 'see' what is past those.

 

Despite all appearances, we're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given moment, and nobody's got it all down. As with any other animal, bonding with people is about suspending fear to offer encouragement. We can't do that when our focus is self centered with worry about how we will be perceived.

 

When we switch the critical voice we run in our own heads away from some imaginary judge and jury, and instead we adopt the habit of speaking to ourselves as a loving and encouraging coach, we can transfer this habit into being kind and uncritical of others--and people respond well to that.

 

I hope you'll write more to share and let us know about your experiences. When you can think more in terms of helping the next person, you move beyond a focus on what they will think of you and you adopt instead an authentic desire to show them kindness. Start with your family, no matter how conditioned they might be to taking you for granted. Practice being kind to yourself first, and see how resilient this can make you in extending kindness to others.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.