Jealous of an old friend becoming famous

[Harbor Haze]

I've got an old friend that's getting a lot of attention internationally right now for his band and it's making me feel quite inadequate. We are not that close anymore and a couple of years ago he asked me a few times to collaborate with him but I never did. I've actually given him free guitar lessons before. I am a trained musician but it's not how I make a living, I decided a long time ago I wanted to pursue a career in public service. So I work full time on an ambulance which I do enjoy. I am also going to school fulltime so I am very busy.

 

I don't know why I'm so envious, it was not the life I ever desired. But seeing him getting interviewed by magazines and having fans from all over the world makes me feel inadequate. It also hurt to read in an interview that the town we're from is "nowhere basically, not a lot of people on the cutting edge." I really love my town, I want to raise a family here as I felt I had a great childhood. It's just an odd feeling seeing someone you respect scoff at your lifestyle.

 

It also just stings as his success reminds me of how much I limited myself in music. I say this without ego, I am a very talented musician and could have played professionally. But that got sidetracked with my training in emergency medical services and I no longer play live. And now that Im 24 and working fulltime while going to school full time, really testing the limits of what I can do professionally, I feel like I missed the time in my life to focus on music.

 

I know my career path is more stable, and in a lot of ways more rewarding as I do sometimes truly help people, although not as often as TV portrays. I just feel like a working stiff who's falling into the trap we all told ourselves as kids we wouldn't. My schedule makes it very hard to maintain a social life. I have a lot of friends but I go months without seeing them. I do have a loving and supporting girlfriend that Im happy with. Sigh, some perspective would be great. thanks for taking the time to read.

[Bunney]

If I had to pick between your life path and his, I'd choose yours definitely! I'm actually kinda jealous, it sounds like you got it all figured out and working as a paramedic sounds exciting and rewarding.

 

I have never understood why people are jealous of TV stars and celebrities. Sure, I appreciate people's talents, but I'd never want that kind of life - being recognized everywhere you go, no privacy anymore, people following you all the time, all that glamour and fame and having the whole world look at you, the pressure of 'being perfect' and looking good all the time... the list goes on and on... it's just the kind of life I wouldn't EVER want to have.

 

I understand the feeling of regret of not having reached your full potential though. I, too have a great talent for music, especially the piano, but due to various reasons, I never got the chance to advance and actually make something of my talent. Now I just play as a hobby, but from time to time I do think about how great of a pianist I could've become, playing in orchestras or whatever. I've learned that that ship has sailed and it's just something I have to deal with. There is a lot more to life, a lot of other paths to choose from, and I will have a good fulfilling life nonetheless.

 

When you do find the time, how about getting a good microphone, a good camera and record a song here and there and put them on youtube? I think that could be a way to gain some kind of satisfaction, and if you're very good, your music will get attention on youtube, people will subscribe etc. Could be worth a try and that way you'll get your own kind of fame!

[ParisPaulette]

It's kind of normal to be envious of others sometimes, even if we don't actually want the lifestyle or what they have. It's more of a "there but for the grace of God/decisions/time/lack of opportunity or something go I." So you see someone who went a direction you potentially could have gone and it just makes you wonder "what if"? And that's again, totally normal, totally fine to do.

 

But then you need to realize you have a pretty amazing life too. Take a moment and compare your life to that of someone who has less than you do and you'll quickly come to realize you've got it pretty good too. And 24 is nothing, you could pick up music at any time and do something with it if you chose to do so. Also remember fame is fleeting and can be very fickle. Your friend may be on top today, but one day he'll likely be just another name that the next generation doesn't remember. Sort of like when my son looks at me blankly and says, "Whose Paul McCartney?" And when I say, "The Beatles, Wings, he asks me about songs and I sing him a phrase and then he might, maybe, say "Oh yeah, I think I heard that once," before he turns back to John Newman. So much for being in the band that once claimed they were more popular than Jesus. Today's generation doesn't even remember them.

 

So yes, take a moment and look at all the good in your life and remember your friend simply chose another path and found himself famous at least for the moment. This doesn't mean you won't or that you won't in the future, but it also doesn't mean you aren't in your own way affecting futures and lives in very positive ways. And doing so quite probably well beyond that of your friend. You are out there saving lives and helping people in need, your friend is simply providing entertainment. While I am aware of art affecting people in very positive ways I have to say a song never saved my life, but the paramedics and the doctors and nurses who were there twice when I was on death's doorstep did. And no singer will ever match that in my eyes and that of my family. Keep that in mind too.

 

As to your music, maybe it's a bit of a wakeup call that somewhere along the way you can or should find a way to incorporate music, your art, into your life. It doesn't even have to be today, just that's something you can reach for and bring into your life to bring you joy, to create with.

 

Also as someone who has seen six decades of life you need to keep in mind the book of your life is never finished until you are, never. Your life isn't set in stone and yes all things are possible and you may very well see several career changes and major life changes along the way. So be happy for your friend, you gave him lessons and helped him and that's a pretty big thing in and of itself. You love your town and have pride in it, but his experiences may have been different. Or it may simply be he's seeing his childhood right now through the eyes of someone wanting to see the world and explore it all. I once told someone I would never move back to New Mexico, that I was done with boots and cowboys and dirt. And yet in my later years I am back there and in love with the entire state and can't imagine ever living anywhere else. And your friend very possibly will come to that point some day in his life. I think many of us do.

 

Anyways, just my two cents on all of this. You are doing very well for yourself, be proud and realize sometimes envy of others can be the fuel that drives us to reach for even more.

[SophieGrace]

It's a bit unclear from your post if your envy stems from feeling inadequate about your own life and justifying what you perceive as safe choices or truly wanting to pursue music in your heart and feeling jealous that someone else took the road you want(ed) to take. Either way, you are very young and it's not too late to do whatever you choose to do with your life. I can tell you I sowed many wild oats in mid-20's through my late 20's and didn't come to the field I am in now until I was 29, and it has morphed several times since then.

 

Often times I've found envy has pointed me in the direction I want to go - like a clue to my life path- and I've managed to turn jealousy into a feeling of inspiration. Think of it like a positive projection - if you recognize it in another, you have it in you. That said, I think it's very important to distinguish whether your feelings are stemming from someone you think you are "supposed to be" based on what society values, and what you truly what you want to do in your heart.

[toby17]

What you've got it called Status Anxiety. Alain de Botton wrote a book and did a TV series on it. You compare yourself to him because you grew up together so you think your life should be the same. Seeing him succeed makes you feel like a failure and question your life choices. But it's different for other celebrities. People who know Kim Kardashian might think "why her?" and be envious but most of the us accept her celebrity and money and success even we think she's irritating or undeserving.

 

Secondly, you say you chose being an EMT over being a musician because you wanted to do public service and it's a stable career. But then you imply that working and studying full time is the reason that you can't focus on music. I'm sorry but these things don't follow.

 

Either you gave up music because you wanted to or because you thought there was no future or you've chosen other pursuits instead. But if you loved music so much or thought you had a future, you would have prioritised it over full time study.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your friend took a chance on music and now he's successful. It doesn't matter if you're more talented than he is. He's successful because he took his chances and possibly did the hard work.

 

If you want to pursue your music because you think you have a chance or because you love it, then something has to give. If you think music is your future, what's the part-time studying for?

 

You have no idea what your friend put into his career. You act like being talented is the only thing that matters.

 

You can have two football players - one who's extremely talented and one who's an adequate talent but works his butt off. The lazy talented guy isn't consistent because he doesn't practice or put in the effort. The hard worker outshines him because, while he's not as talented, he puts in the hard yards.

 

Music isn't a easy business. You chose not to gamble.

 

Your friend probably had to do a hell of a lot to become successful. You might not think he's worth it but maybe he earned it, maybe he's more deserving than you.

 

You need to decide what you want - to be an EMT, to study, to be whatever the goal of studying is, or to be a musician - regardless of what your friend does.

 

Your friend might as well be Ashton Kutchner or all the other celebrities whose backgrounds you know nothing about.

 

And finally... stop being a cad - be happy for your friend and stop being envious.

[sleepingdonut]

I do have a loving and supporting girlfriend that Im happy with. Sigh, some perspective would be great.

 

Sounds like perspective right there.

 

Also, in a few years when he's on celebrity rehab with Dr. Drew, maybe you can guest star and play him a sobriety song.

[Man with Dog]

I'm not a household name but have been known in more than one field. Fame is fleeting. I've written for several magazines in different genres. One minute, they can't get enough of you, the next, you are history. Using music as an example, the most enduringly successful artists over long periods are able to cross genres. Michael Jackson, Madonna, Tom Jones and David Bowie spring to mind. Many artists are of a niche style that will last 2/3 years at the most.

 

Although I'm not envious of other people in that way, I have a day job that needs me to work (and sometimes excess hours) and my family circumstances have changed and I hardly get time to write. Of course, if I did it doesn't mean it'll be published but it would be nice to get another stab.

[Harbor Haze]

I really like the idea of posting videos on youtube. I think I will give it a try! thanks!

[Harbor Haze]

It's kind of normal to be envious of others sometimes, even if we don't actually want the lifestyle or what they have. It's more of a "there but for the grace of God/decisions/time/lack of opportunity or something go I." So you see someone who went a direction you potentially could have gone and it just makes you wonder "what if"? And that's again, totally normal, totally fine to do.

 

But then you need to realize you have a pretty amazing life too. Take a moment and compare your life to that of someone who has less than you do and you'll quickly come to realize you've got it pretty good too. And 24 is nothing, you could pick up music at any time and do something with it if you chose to do so. Also remember fame is fleeting and can be very fickle. Your friend may be on top today, but one day he'll likely be just another name that the next generation doesn't remember. Sort of like when my son looks at me blankly and says, "Whose Paul McCartney?" And when I say, "The Beatles, Wings, he asks me about songs and I sing him a phrase and then he might, maybe, say "Oh yeah, I think I heard that once," before he turns back to John Newman. So much for being in the band that once claimed they were more popular than Jesus. Today's generation doesn't even remember them.

 

So yes, take a moment and look at all the good in your life and remember your friend simply chose another path and found himself famous at least for the moment. This doesn't mean you won't or that you won't in the future, but it also doesn't mean you aren't in your own way affecting futures and lives in very positive ways. And doing so quite probably well beyond that of your friend. You are out there saving lives and helping people in need, your friend is simply providing entertainment. While I am aware of art affecting people in very positive ways I have to say a song never saved my life, but the paramedics and the doctors and nurses who were there twice when I was on death's doorstep did. And no singer will ever match that in my eyes and that of my family. Keep that in mind too.

 

As to your music, maybe it's a bit of a wakeup call that somewhere along the way you can or should find a way to incorporate music, your art, into your life. It doesn't even have to be today, just that's something you can reach for and bring into your life to bring you joy, to create with.

 

Also as someone who has seen six decades of life you need to keep in mind the book of your life is never finished until you are, never. Your life isn't set in stone and yes all things are possible and you may very well see several career changes and major life changes along the way. So be happy for your friend, you gave him lessons and helped him and that's a pretty big thing in and of itself. You love your town and have pride in it, but his experiences may have been different. Or it may simply be he's seeing his childhood right now through the eyes of someone wanting to see the world and explore it all. I once told someone I would never move back to New Mexico, that I was done with boots and cowboys and dirt. And yet in my later years I am back there and in love with the entire state and can't imagine ever living anywhere else. And your friend very possibly will come to that point some day in his life. I think many of us do.

 

Anyways, just my two cents on all of this. You are doing very well for yourself, be proud and realize sometimes envy of others can be the fuel that drives us to reach for even more.

 

This post meant a lot to me. Thank you, I was very touched by this.

[Harbor Haze]

Secondly, you say you chose being an EMT over being a musician because you wanted to do public service and it's a stable career. But then you imply that working and studying full time is the reason that you can't focus on music. I'm sorry but these things don't follow.

 

Either you gave up music because you wanted to or because you thought there was no future or you've chosen other pursuits instead. But if you loved music so much or thought you had a future, you would have prioritised it over full time study.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your friend took a chance on music and now he's successful. It doesn't matter if you're more talented than he is. He's successful because he took his chances and possibly did the hard work.

 

If you want to pursue your music because you think you have a chance or because you love it, then something has to give. If you think music is your future, what's the part-time studying for?

 

You have no idea what your friend put into his career. You act like being talented is the only thing that matters.

 

You can have two football players - one who's extremely talented and one who's an adequate talent but works his butt off. The lazy talented guy isn't consistent because he doesn't practice or put in the effort. The hard worker outshines him because, while he's not as talented, he puts in the hard yards.

 

Music isn't a easy business. You chose not to gamble.

 

Your friend probably had to do a hell of a lot to become successful. You might not think he's worth it but maybe he earned it, maybe he's more deserving than you.

 

You need to decide what you want - to be an EMT, to study, to be whatever the goal of studying is, or to be a musician - regardless of what your friend does.

 

 

And finally... stop being a cad - be happy for your friend and stop being envious.

 

I never once implied that this guy is not deserving of success. He's a talented songwriter and a good person, his music is good. I never would imply he's undeserving. And yes I chose a field other than music, but I spent just shy of 10,000 hours practicing the guitar so it's not something you just up and forget about.

 

I also don't appreciate being called a cad. That seems like an unnecessary ad hominem attack.

[Man with Dog]

I never once implied that this guy is not deserving of success. He's a talented songwriter and a good person, his music is good. I never would imply he's undeserving. And yes I chose a field other than music, but I spent just shy of 10,000 hours practicing the guitar so it's not something you just up and forget about.

 

I also don't appreciate being called a cad. That seems like an unnecessary ad hominem attack.

 

I've spent more than that gaining skills outside and inside the workplace that are now obsolete or I just don't do. It's life. I don't think you're a "cad". You chose a path that may or not have been the right one. We all do that. Not that I have the solution because I just can't make time to write at the moment (!) but you need some way of playing again, even if it's not for money. Maybe you can work as a session guitarist from time to time. Perhaps it's something you can go back to when you finish your studies.

[lostandhurt]

Perspective on your life choices always change. You see yourself in your old friend and see his success but you have tunnel vision. Do you see the years of playing for nothing? Do you see all the struggles and rejection?

 

It is easy to be envious of someone at the top because it is all good for them now but if you look what they went through to get there was it worth it?

 

What I see in this is your ego making his success about you. The ego has a way of doing that to all of us if we don't see it and understand it.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty darn good life going for you that many would like to have. Funny how us humans worry more about what we DON"T have instead of what we DO have right in front of us.

 

Lost

[LC8328]

I really like the idea of posting videos on youtube. I think I will give it a try! thanks!

 

Yeah, I'm not a musician but sometimes I like to look up indie musicians and am FLOORED by the extreme, raw talent I've found on there. True, they don't have millions of subscribers but they're good and they're doing what makes them happy. Maybe you could do this too; I agree that was a good idea.

 

And I agree it's normal to be envious when a friend of yours makes it big. But we each have our own paths and your career is an important, excellent one.

[Harbor Haze]

Perspective on your life choices always change. You see yourself in your old friend and see his success but you have tunnel vision. Do you see the years of playing for nothing? Do you see all the struggles and rejection?

 

It is easy to be envious of someone at the top because it is all good for them now but if you look what they went through to get there was it worth it?

 

What I see in this is your ego making his success about you. The ego has a way of doing that to all of us if we don't see it and understand it.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty darn good life going for you that many would like to have. Funny how us humans worry more about what we DON"T have instead of what we DO have right in front of us.

 

Lost

Very good points, thank you. I'm reading a lot about ego right now for a philosophy class and I agree with you completely.

[Harbor Haze]

Thank you for the perspective you guys have given me. It really did lift my spirits

[Seraphim]

My mom has a saying for when people are envious of other people's choices. She says if you had wanted that you would have made actions towards making that possible. Choice is our action and inaction and people choose what they want to do. So you have chosen everything in your life so there's nothing to be envious of.

 

Yes ,YouTube is a great way to get yourself out there! My son is autistic and one of the way he chooses to interact with society is through YouTube.

[lostandhurt]

Very good points, thank you. I'm reading a lot about ego right now for a philosophy class and I agree with you completely.

 

Have you read any Tolle? There are some profound life changing ideas in his writing.

 

I bet once your life levels off a little you will be able to get back to your passion and scratch that itch at local open mic nights and really enjoy your music even if you aren't a star.

 

Lost

[toby17]

I never once implied that this guy is not deserving of success. He's a talented songwriter and a good person, his music is good. I never would imply he's undeserving. And yes I chose a field other than music, but I spent just shy of 10,000 hours practicing the guitar so it's not something you just up and forget about.

 

I also don't appreciate being called a cad. That seems like an unnecessary ad hominem attack.

 

I'm sorry you're so sensitive. Let's try again:

 

What you've got it called Status Anxiety. Alain de Botton wrote a book and did a TV series on it. Check out - at least the first 10 minutes.

 

Secondly, you say you chose being an EMT because you wanted to do public service and it's a stable career. But then you imply that working and studying full time is the reason that you can't focus on music. Which is it?

 

If you loved music so much or thought you had a future, you would have prioritised it. You need to decide what you want regardless of what your friend does.

 

And finally [shake it off,] be happy for your friend and stop being envious.

 

Is that better?