a month since breakup now

[emptyeffort]

hey,

 

not sure why im writin this. i guess i think it helps me a lil to type out whats on my mind.

 

its been a month now since she broke up and.. im still feeling really miserable. im not crying every day anymore. last time was on my bday last weekend. i guess i really looked forward to spend it with her. a month in advance (before she broke up) she was really excited about it and spent alot of time into planning what gifts to get me and bought them. she was into the getting gifts stuff and i wouldve liked to receive them too for the sentimental value rather than the actual values of the gifts. wouldve just meant the world to me to spend my bday with her. i never really cared about it but this time i was stoked. maybe because it wouldve been the first time im not "alone". its gotten a little worse again for me since that day. shes in my head alot.

 

sure. im devestated that i lost my gf. but it makes it so much worse that lost my best friend. i talked about everything with her. we were crazily close. both of us shared things about us that we never told anyone. and now frmo one day to another we cant even really talk or chat anymore. i would like to talk to her so badly. but i wouldnt even know what to say. its not like we can share personal stuff like we did before. IF we talk we have to talk like unaffected colleagues and its not like that is any fun if both feel more.

 

its just weird. she has a sh*tty family and she still "loves" me but not in a romantical way. just as i she wants to desperately keep me in her life. we both heavily relied on each other, but we both know it wont work. its nice that she doesnt force it and respects that i cant do that i guess.

 

some might or might not have read my first post about this. short version of how/why it ended: she saw the last guy she had a crush on randomly on the street and suddenly seemed to have realized that she still had feelings for him. 20 minutes after that happened she told me and basically broke up with that because she didnt think it was fair to me.

 

its just.. i cant give her the fault or anything. i cantbe sitting here and be like: she was a or she used me or anything.

she was always great. she did love me for the duration and she tried to be a "good gf". shes just all around a really nice person and a decent human being. and shes suffering alot for having done that to me. tho not as much as i am obviously.

 

and although one unfortunately cannot control his feelings. which is why it still seems she has feelingsfor that idiot who never did anything for her (they werent togetherand he was never interested)

i cant help but feeling a lil humiliated. this thought is probably in my mind the most.

i loved her with all my heart. i gave my everything for her and i did anything to make her happy because it made me happy. and yet. she has feelings for that fool who never was interested in the first place and did nothing but make her suffer.

 

im trying to distract myself as best as i can. but when im not concentrating on something else like playing games watchting a movie or something. shes always in my head. it sux coz im forced to see her every day. so i feel like the healingprocess cant really take place for the next 2 years(when uni is done). i feel like in 2-4 years ill still be miserable about this. im really scared actually. im at my parents' for this week. they saw me like this (i really cant hide it) and theyre really worried. i feel sorry because i dont want them to. they have enough stuff on their own plate.

 

wanted to make a short post but its gotten a wall of text again. im sorry

 

regards

[Dottieflanogon]

Just give yourself time... you're going to feel like crap for a while regardless of what you try. All you can do is try and ease the pain when it gets too much! Write it down, talk to people, read books and one day ,It will start to get easier. We've all been there, in one way or another.just know you're not alone.

[fwdthinker]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're hurting. What you're feeling is completely natural. You sound like a really nice person. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Try to limit seeing her as much as you possibly can and surround yourself with new friends and opportunities. This is the time in your life to live to the fullest. Even if it isn't easy right now, try to stay as active as possible. 30 days isn't that long. Be kind to yourself.

[Movingforward3]

Why do you have to see her every day?

[emptyeffort]

"time" i read that alot. and its probably true. its just that time seems to pass by so slowly.

thanks for the kind words

 

@movingforward3: we go to the same university and have class together every day of the week. atleast for this year. itll probably be less next year. and after next year we are done.

i dont feel like healing from this is really possible if im physically reminded of her every day by seeing her and exchanging a few words here and there.

 

we obv dont chat anymore. we used to literally from when we woke up until we went to bed. now its just sometimes a few words when its about university stuff. last time was on my bday. where she congratulated me, told me what i missed that day (didnt go because i drove to my parents) and.. the convo just ended after a short time without either saying "bye" or anything.