marney5068 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I met my wife at 19, 3 months into the relationship I went on holiday without her and just with friends (male and female) as a farewell do before I joined the military. On this holiday I ended up having a one night stand with a girl I met out there, although I felt unbelievably guilty I buried my guilt because I didn't want to screw up our relationship over a drunken mistake. Between this holiday in June and joining up in December I had cheated again and, again buried the guilt because we had started to get serious. I joined the navy and of course left home for months on end, we were in constant contact throughout my training and we got married just over a year later expecting our first son. Things couldn't have been better until I was deployed to the Mediterranean. Sailors at sea for months of end tend to drink a bit to much when finally we get into a port. I became "one of the single lads"; strip clubs, bars, women and more strip clubs. Chatting up other female crew members. I almost began to belive I was actually single dispite having a wife and a young son waiting at home for me to come home safe (the stupid thing is we were getting on brilliantly). After a year of living this lifestyle and constantly suppressing my now horrifc guilt I tipped over the edge and plummeted into a horrific depression which led to me being medically drafted off ship and back to a shore draft. In this shore draft I started recovering from my depression with therapy and counselling (never once letting my guilt surface) during this shore draft I started working with another female and we became friends but this then turned into something more and before I knew it we were having an affair again everytime we were together I felt guilty but would just suppress it and go back. Again when I was at home my relationship with my wife fine apart from a lack of affection from her. I ended the affair after my wife's announcement that we were expecting our second son. With that I ended the affair and my career in the navy opting for early discharge. I left and our son was born and things were great again. I got a new job on 4 times the money I was on in the navy and for once we didn't have to scrimp through the months. Then I started talking to a female online and took her for a date.... (just a date nothing happened) the next day all the suppressed guilt came gushing out in a tell all confession to my wife.... literally everything! Many will say she was a fool to give me a second chance but she did on the condition we get counseling. We did and we rebuilt our relationship and I haven't cheated since but I can't help but feel the spark has gone, but only on my side... my wife says she is deeply in love with me still and doesn't want to loose me and that she has forgiven everything. The thing is I can't forgive myself! I now work in Germany and travel home every other weekend to see her and our boys, last weekend she came out on her own and we had a weekend together out here, fantastic hotel, great food, lovely spa but something just felt wrong, like I was enjoying this with a friend. Now I've said to my wife how I feel and we've decided to take some time apart so I can think about things. I feel awful! I will never defend what I did to her..... It makes me feel sick! How do I know if the spark has really gone or if it's just my guilt clouding my judgment? I hate hurting her and I know she's really hurting at the thought i may walk away. She's at home looking after our sons, running our house, carrying all the home stresses so I don't relapse into another depression while working abroad! After all I've done to hurt her she still does everything to help me! Yet I'm thinking about walking away from her? Am I mad or is there a reasonable explanation for how I'm feeling?
dias Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 You are what you are and you are going to walk away sometime soon i guess but why did you have kids?
Mari Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I met my wife at 19, 3 months into the relationship I went on holiday without her and just with friends (male and female) ... After all I've done to hurt her she still does everything to help me! Yet I'm thinking about walking away from her? Am I mad or is there a reasonable explanation for how I'm feeling? I think the reasonable explanation is that you're after that spark. Pursing short term relationships eventually adds up, cheating and feeling guilty about it helps to prevent you from cheating again. You suppressed the feelings that would help you stop cheating and enjoyed that brief spark to another brief spark, to another brief spark. Sparks are fun, they make you feel wanted but you have to shift your mindset of having fun to one of owning responsibility to your team which in this case is your family. You lead them, you help them, you are there to protect them from everyone and to protect them from yourself. You can't just walk out cause you don't feel a spark, these sparks won't last, they're like drugs. You get that instant high for a while and then you need another hit. Realize that these sparks are drugs and walk away from them. Walk back to your wife and run that stable solid relationship, pour love into it and make it work.
DoF Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 First, stop playing a damn victim. You are NOT, your wife is the victim. If you want to retain your family together and keep it healthy (and your wife) long term, here is what you need to do. a) stay away from opposite sex. There is absolutely no friendships/contact going forward. EVER AGAIN. You lack of penis control is appalling. You (like most men) simply allow your penis to rule you. You think with it....you live your life with it....STOP IT. Think with your BRAIN. Ignore your penis. Work on your self control, you have NONE. b)Stop putting distance between you and your wife/kids. SHE NEEDS YOU THERE TO HELP. Also, you are missing the most important days of their childhood and YOUR parenthood. Relationships NEED daily/on regular basis involvement and HARD WORK. You can't do that remotely. c) Forget about "spark", yes no long term relationship will have the spark of a initial/new relationship. It's just how it is. Relationships are what YOU make them. Currently you are way too busy with other women and travel/career to be a great husband OR a great father. INVEST TIME, LOTS OF TIME INTO YOUR FAMILY for gods sakes. Get your arse home, clean, give your wife a massage, do the laundry....work....show her WITH ACTION that you love her. And those are few LITTLE examples, there should be a list of 1000s of things!!! You need to stay busy/assist your wife and FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILY. Personally, I think your wife is a not smart for taking you back. You really don't deserve her at all. And if you do love her, unless you can turn things around 180.....you should simply let her go. You simply sound like you are NOT a long term relationship material and have TONS of growing up to do. And no, your youth is no excuse at all. I met my wife at 17, had kids at 19 and married at 20......so don't even give me that crap..... And the most important advice of them all. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. You need to do A LOT of work on YOURSELF. And you NEVER EVER stop. Self recognition, ability to check yourself, fix yourself and constantly reevaluate yourself is what adulthood is about. If you are not in your 30s (mid/late 30s) you are still not fully mature......most people don't reach maturity until then, and some NEVER do (today, you are well on the way to be that person). I feel bad for even giving you my advice.....seriously.... As for "forgiving yourself", again, playing victim. At this point your feelings, emotion and ANYTHING related to YOU is irrelevant. No body shoudl give a crap or care, including you. You simply don't deserve that kind of attention from ANYONE (including yourself). So ignore yourself/feelings and do what needs to be done. Be glad internet separates us right now, cause I would finish my counseling with you with a good can of ass whopping too! Just for shiiits and giggles. And also because I think each and every one of us needs a good arse whooping every now and then (all men)....just to keep us in check/bring us back to reality. Good luck, only reason I say this or give you advice is FOR YOUR WIFE AND YOUR KIDS. Last, pay for your wife's and your STD test ASAP. And go ahead and look up STD and how you can get them/transmit them. That alone should turn you off from ever cheating again......
lostandhurt Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 You are a cheater and a liar plain and simple. Sure you feel guilt but it doesn't seem to stop you from having sex with the first woman that comes near you. Your post is full of excuses why you cheated and betrayed your family but I don't see any real remorse. You are feeling like this because you enjoy acting like you are single, no mystery there so why not save her years of heartache and divorce her so she can find an honest man to share her life with. It isn't her fault you cheat and it isn't the loss of spark that led you on the path you are on, selfishness is what got you here. Your wife and son deserve better than you have given them so end it now so she can get on with her life after her heart heals. She will think of you every month when the child support check shows up though. Sad what started with so much love ends like this... Lost
arjumand Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Individual counseling. You need LOTS of it. Even if you divorce, you still need it. You have a problem and you need to work through it.
Capricorn3 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I totally agree with DoF, lostandhurt, and arjumand.
Tayla92 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I too totally agree with what Mari, DoF, lostandhurt and arjumand have said! Keep reading these over and over until it finally sinks in.
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