Should I tell him about my past?

[crimson-rose]

Hi everyone.

 

First I'll tell you a bit about my boyfriend and I. We were originally work friends and that gradually become friends with benefits as he didn't want a relationship at that moment (we were free to sleep with other people). We were FWB for almost three years before we decided we wanted to be committed to each other.

 

Now, just after we met and slept together for the first time, I drunkenly slept with a mutual friend of ours. At the time I didn't think anything of it as my now bf and I were just friends and I didn't think it would go any where.

 

Problem is said guy that I slept with had a fiancé at the time (they are now married) who my bf is also friends with.

Prior to sleeping with this other guy we were texting flirtatiously and suggestively. I am ashamed of myself and if I could take it all back now, I would.

 

I feel guilty enough as it is knowing that I slept with him and he had a fiancé but now every time my boyfriend and I get closer I'm wrecked with guilt that he doesn't know. I feel like I should tell him but then again I don't want him to be upset. I don't even know if it will upset him.

 

I love my boyfriend so much. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

What should I do?

 

Thanks for reading

[appies]

If you weren't in a committed relationship I see no reason to tell you BF. As for your mutual friend.... I personally would stay away from him, its his burden in his relationship.

[crimson-rose]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think deep down I know I should just not tell him. It was early days and yes there was no commitment. I have a feeling that he was still sleeping with his ex at the time as well.

 

I Just have anxieties and I'm so desperate for this relationship to work that I don't want this surfacing at any point and ruining it. I thought maybe if I told him it would take away the fear.

The only way he would find out is if cheating guy told him or he kept the messages and his now wife found them.

 

I don't talk to this mutual friend at all now. He tries to phone me every now and then but I'm not interested. What I did was bad but what he did to his fiancé was unforgivable.

 

Thanks again

[dias]

You didn't do anything wrong that your bf should be aware of. Don't germinate "problems" where there aren't any.

[crimson-rose]

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I have a bad habit of over thinking things and creating problems that aren't there

[jobelle]

You were playing with fire, sleeping with a married man that on top of that is part of your group of friends. This could get really messy if your bf or the wife finds out. Honestly I'm not sure if you should come clean or not but it's probably best not to. If you do tell your bf you will put him in a very bad position when it comes to loyalty as he is friends with the wife (if I understood correctly)... I've been there and it's no fun at all living with a secret of that kind as a friend. On top of that you could potentially ruin your relationship due to jealousy and your bf questioning your character. Sure he might have been sleeping with his ex - but you slept with a married man which really doesn't flatter you as a person.

[crimson-rose]

Thanks for your reply. I know we were playing with fire and I regret it deeply. It's a part of my life that I wish never happened and now 3 years later, I still feel guilty.

When I say we are all "friends", they used to hang out together and are now just friends on Facebook, none of us really talk anymore due to different life paths and drifting apart. I know this doesn't really make any difference, it still happened and it's still awful but I think that's another reason I should just let it go. It happened three years ago, none of us talk anymore and it's over. Dredging up the past may cause more problems than solving them.

 

Thanks again

[kathy679]

I think if you say anything it will be out of guilt. This is someshing you need to let pass I think. You were single so really you wasn't doing anything wrong to your now boyfriend. But sleeping with someone who has a girl friend isn't very nice. But that's not your place to say anything either.

[trust101]

Normally I would say don't tell him at all.

 

But it sounds like this mutual friend & your bf are quite close. He slept with you when he was intoxicated & engaged at the same time. Who knows what he will do (or say) when he gets hammered again & your bf is there with him. This will then instigate an argument between your bf & you from something that at present seems minute. You did not cheat on your bf.

 

Tell him. It shows a lack of respect if you don't & he finds this out but not from you. I personally would not want to hang out with someone my gf was intimate with or at least I would like to know if I already knew them.

 

Don't feel guilty. Good luck.

[trust101]

Didn't read your subsequent posts. lol Ignore what I just said then if you never see the guy.

[j.man]

Two things wrong with this:

 

1) Unnecessary drama

2) Dumping your guilt on other people

 

Just don't.

[92151794]

Its up to you. If you feel you should tell him then tell him otherwise keep it in the past.

[DoF]

Do nothing is the only answer here.

 

And in the future, before you act or get intimate with people, think of the impact your actions will have on your and their life.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend went thru similar thing as well......

[crimson-rose]

Thanks for all of your replies. They have been very helpful and put my mind at rest. Lesson learnt.

[exesandohs]

Girlfriend, I feel you on this one. This is a toughie.

 

Guilt is one of the worst feelings in the world. But Im wondering, where does your guilt stem from? Does it stem from sleeping with a guy who had a fiance? If so, don't. He was the one who was in a committed relationship, not you. If it's because you're keeping a secret from your boyfriend, and it's clearly eating at you, maybe you should just tell him? Personally, I think you did absolutely nothing wrong, so it would be pretty insane of your boyfriend to fault you for it if you did tell him. From my experience, keeping secrets, especially in a long-term relationship never works out well, and the truth eventually comes out anyway and when it does, he might not care then either. However, you worrying/stressing about it in the meantime can cause a lot of other issues for yourself and your relationship. So I guess it all depends on what you feel the guilt for. If it's feeling guilty for keeping a secret from your boyfriend, that kind of is a good sign of the health of your relationship and surely he would reciprocate that same kind of respect back to you and not punish you for telling him. Let me know how it goes!