Mutual Crush and Attraction, but Impossible to have a Relationship

[fireryiceprine]

I'm such a cliché, love at sight. I first him (I'll call "E") in a photo on my friend's Facebook. First in person encounter, locked eyes from accross a room. Second encounter actual physical contact shaking hands and our arms around each other's waists, posing in photos, definitely felt a strong, exciting physical attraction. I literally wanted to keep holding him and touching him but we were at a college student conference. Unfortunately I sadly parted with him because I am married and it is not possible to pursue a real relationship. That was in April. "E" was always in my thoughts. Then he shows up by surprise at my campus in September, after no contact or communication for five months. He basically conveyed to me he broke up with his girlfriend. I know his girlfriend who I am friends with but she tells me they're still friends. What's strange is he told her that "he had to say to me that they broke up" as if I compelled him to say that. Yet the irony is, I have no formal relationship with "E", yet he has done things for me that he has never done for his "official"girlfriend. I've gotten point where I enjoy his special attention for me but because I'm married and older I can't do anything with him. I don't keep it a secret that I'm married. I have it listed on my Facebook, I'm confused why a young male college student is so persistent with me. I feel he is pursuing me. He emailed his phone number to me. All our personal encounters seem deliberate. My big question is why is a cute single young guy even interested in an older married woman when there are plenty of single women throwing themselves at him.

[Man with Dog]

OK, you are not a bad person. Being married does not make you immune from being attracted to other people and doesn't make you immune from obsessive crushes either. It's what you do about the crushes that matter. Many people might say that it is a symptom of something wrong in your marriage. Yes, IMO it could be but it is also likely that it is your life in general that is lacking excitement. Let's face it, many married people are so tied up trying to make a living, bring up kids, do household chores and there's also a shortage of money and energy to do little more than fall asleep in front of the telly when the day's work is done. An attractive person in your life rather breaks this monotony. OK, you've guessed it, been there myself.

 

Crushes come and go. Some turn into relationships and real love develops. Most don't. Most people who are in an established relationship that follow a crush regret it. Now I don't know the state of your life/marriage but the chances are any possible life with this young bloke is more fantasy than anything else.

 

I can answer the last question: when I was a student I often had the older woman fantasy. Many women are more physically attractive in their 30s than they were in their 20s and have seen a bit more of life than the average student. Some remain attractive even later. Look at the comments on Nigella Lawson's videos on YouTube. Most of them are from boys who could quite easily be young enough to be her son.

[Loriana]

I think you have built this crush up into a fantasy in your mind.

 

I think you WANT to believe that all your encounters have been "deliberate" and that he broke up with his girlfriend because he secretly wants to be with you.

 

It's okay to have a crush if you're married you are human, but try not to confuse fantasy with reality.

 

Often older women who are emotionally unavailable is a younger guy's fantasy. When you know you can't have something it makes you want it more and I think this is the case with you also.

 

A crush is harmless unless you act on it.

[DoF]

POOR mental control is the answer here. You are doing a VERY bad job at crushing the thoughts of attraction and diverting your mind to other things. In time, you dwell, think about it more and more.....next thing you know ACTIONS come into play.

 

EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET has these thoughts (I know I do). It's completely normal. We can't control the thoughts that come to our mind, what we CAN control is what we do with those thoughts. What YOU are doing with those thoughts is inappropriate and disrespectful towards your marriage. How would you feel if your husband did the same? Not cool.

 

You are married, I suggest you manage your thoughts better and focus on your relationship. Clearly you have issues within your marriage you need to work on. It's your responsibility as someone in a relationship.

 

And then there is the whole fact that you have a crush on your friends ex/boyfriend? That's messed up.

 

Until you mature more, practice mind diversion/thought management and get good at it and are a mentally STRONG individual I'm going to suggest that you keep your eyes and BODY completely away from opposite sex.

[Man with Dog]

Are there any techniques you recommend for thought control and mind diversion?

[fireryiceprine]

Thank you for the reality check. Just what I needed, some blunt common sense.

[fireryiceprine]

So how do I stop thinking about him. Not as easy as it sounds. Mostly because of a trigger sound, a motorcycle. He rides a motorcycle and every time I hear one I think of him and that it might be him showing up by surprise. That's the other problem, he shows up at my locations by surprise. These are places he normally does not belong, such as my college campus. The only good news is he lives in another city about 15 miles from me, not in my area, which is why he's a surprise when he shows up. But I have some hope of getting him out of my head, he told me he is transferring to a far away university several hundred miles away in January 2016. I'm glad because I feel the distance will help me mentally distance myself from him.

[fireryiceprine]

Thanks for your support and comforting advice. But I also have a concern that I am inadvertently doing something to attract these young college guys in their 20's. I mostly don't notice them until they approach me or contact me. I'm on a college campus so I can't actually avoid all male students. I don't try to attract any guys or chase after them. Quite the opposite, I'm rather shy and try to ignore them but I think when I ignore them, it intrigues these young guys. That is how it was for "E". I deliberately avoided approaching him after we both looked at each other from across the room as I was leaving a dance. A month later he was the one who approached me to introduce himself. This is typical for me. The young men always come to me. About the only thing I do is smile a lot and accept them as friends on Facebook. Is that the problem?

[Loriana]

Thanks for your support and comforting advice. But I also have a concern that I am inadvertently doing something to attract these young college guys in their 20's. I mostly don't notice them until they approach me or contact me. I'm on a college campus so I can't actually avoid all male students. I don't try to attract any guys or chase after them. Quite the opposite, I'm rather shy and try to ignore them but I think when I ignore them, it intrigues these young guys. That is how it was for "E". I deliberately avoided approaching him after we both looked at each other from across the room as I was leaving a dance. A month later he was the one who approached me to introduce himself. This is typical for me. The young men always come to me. About the only thing I do is smile a lot and accept them as friends on Facebook. Is that the problem?

 

I don't think you're doing anything to attract these young guys maybe they just find you attractive. If you don't want this attention then just ignore them and don't accept them as friends on Facebook.

 

I can relate to you when you said that whenever you hear a sound of a motorcycle you think about him as he drives one. Every time I see a black sports car drive past my house it reminds me of this guy that I have some history with because he drives one. The way I coped with it was I kept telling myself that even though a black sports car reminded me of him it probably wasn't him driving past. And even if it was nothing good would come from it because I knew we could not be anything more.

 

I think you just have to keep telling yourself that nothing will happen between you two and once you tell yourself enough you might actually start to believe it.

[Helpexpressme]

The young men always come to me. About the only thing I do is smile a lot and accept them as friends on Facebook. Is that the problem?

 

Oh I would imagine so.

[DoF]

Thanks for your support and comforting advice. But I also have a concern that I am inadvertently doing something to attract these young college guys in their 20's. I mostly don't notice them until they approach me or contact me. I'm on a college campus so I can't actually avoid all male students. I don't try to attract any guys or chase after them. Quite the opposite, I'm rather shy and try to ignore them but I think when I ignore them, it intrigues these young guys. That is how it was for "E". I deliberately avoided approaching him after we both looked at each other from across the room as I was leaving a dance. A month later he was the one who approached me to introduce himself. This is typical for me. The young men always come to me. About the only thing I do is smile a lot and accept them as friends on Facebook. Is that the problem?

 

Stay away from facebook.

 

And yes, being even half way decent looking will attract guys left and right.......completely normal.

 

You are simply allowing guys to penetrate your zone and give off "there is a chance" vibe. We pick up on it and work our way in.

 

Your current ZONE is made of a soap bubble. What you need to do is make it out of brick and mortar!!! Once the guys sense/know it.....they will back off.

 

 

 

Also, I would strongly recommend that you take a deep look at your marriage. Usually what you are experiencing is a result of something missing in your current relationship. Work on that HARD.

 

I've been in your shoes.....and every single person on this planet that's in the relationship has been as well!!! I will admit that while in early 20s I was weak (mentally) and did allow these thoughts to flourish etc. Thankfully it never went to "action" stage......but it was certainly slippery slope to be on.

 

Today, I still get thoughts of attraction/crush from time to time when I walk by some lady here and there, but hardly ever.Mind you I'm in a great relationship/marriage of 20 years and the happiest/in better shape than I have ever been in my life. I have seen MANY relationships break because of this!!!

 

Today,I take those thoughts and toss them right in the garbage.

 

Basically is as big of a problem or as small of a problem as YOU make it.

 

 

[Man with Dog]

So how do I stop thinking about him. Not as easy as it sounds. Mostly because of a trigger sound, a motorcycle. He rides a motorcycle and every time I hear one I think of him and that it might be him showing up by surprise. That's the other problem, he shows up at my locations by surprise. These are places he normally does not belong, such as my college campus. The only good news is he lives in another city about 15 miles from me, not in my area, which is why he's a surprise when he shows up. But I have some hope of getting him out of my head, he told me he is transferring to a far away university several hundred miles away in January 2016. I'm glad because I feel the distance will help me mentally distance myself from him.

 

Yes, distance does help: out of sight out of mind. Perhaps they are attracted to you because:

 

1. You actually ARE gorgeous

2. You have attractive qualities that most girl students don't

3. (Most probable) A combination of the above

[fireryiceprine]

I don't think you're doing anything to attract these young guys maybe they just find you attractive. If you don't want this attention then just ignore them and don't accept them as friends on Facebook.

 

I can relate to you when you said that whenever you hear a sound of a motorcycle you think about him as he drives one. Every time I see a black sports car drive past my house it reminds me of this guy that I have some history with because he drives one. The way I coped with it was I kept telling myself that even though a black sports car reminded me of him it probably wasn't him driving past. And even if it was nothing good would come from it because I knew we could not be anything more.

 

I think you just have to keep telling yourself that nothing will happen between you two and once you tell yourself enough you might actually start to believe it.

 

Thanks. That sounds like a good way to deal with that, "It's not him" on all those motorcycles I hear all day.

[fireryiceprine]

Stay away from facebook.

 

And yes, being even half way decent looking will attract guys left and right.......completely normal.

 

You are simply allowing guys to penetrate your zone and give off "there is a chance" vibe. We pick up on it and work our way in.

 

Your current ZONE is made of a soap bubble. What you need to do is make it out of brick and mortar!!! Once the guys sense/know it.....they will back off.

 

 

 

Also, I would strongly recommend that you take a deep look at your marriage. Usually what you are experiencing is a result of something missing in your current relationship. Work on that HARD.

 

I've been in your shoes.....and every single person on this planet that's in the relationship has been as well!!! I will admit that while in early 20s I was weak (mentally) and did allow these thoughts to flourish etc. Thankfully it never went to "action" stage......but it was certainly slippery slope to be on.

 

Today, I still get thoughts of attraction/crush from time to time when I walk by some lady here and there, but hardly ever.Mind you I'm in a great relationship/marriage of 20 years and the happiest/in better shape than I have ever been in my life. I have seen MANY relationships break because of this!!!

 

Today,I take those thoughts and toss them right in the garbage.

 

Basically is as big of a problem or as small of a problem as YOU make it.

 

 

Wow I had no idea about guys thinking "there is a chance" vibe. I see myself as a "mom" = younger guys won't be interested in me. However, I am currently in college, so I assume they may think I am "college age" and see me as younger than I am. Also because I am a mom I am comfortable and used to giving my kids instructions. Most of these young guys ask me what they should do in class. They don't seem to mind me "bossing them around" a little. But they also are very eager to help me too if I need it.

 

Regarding my relationship with my husband, I do love him and want us to be happy together but.... he basically ignores me. And this drives me crazy. He won't "let me" talk to him. When I want to talk with him, say about my day at school, he always interrupts me saying he's too busy (usually goofing off on the computer), watching the TV (and telling me to be quiet) or he says he's too tired to talk and goes to sleep. The only time he does talk to me is to ask me to get something for him, such as meals, wash his laundry or I have to go out and pick up his favorite ice cream from the store. He treats me like his personal servant. Yet I want my husband to want me. NOT my male classmates to want me. And by the way, it was my husband's idea that I go back to college and he doesn't want me to quit either.

[Dottieflanogon]

I think it's just human nature that you gravitate towards something new and different over time. It's quite different from the feeling you now have towards your husband because that initial honeymoon phase eventually wears out after a few years. Just don't act on your crush.If you're actually unhappy with your marriage , that's a different matter, but in my experience that is always about your current relationship and not about anyone else. Your current marriage gets neither better nor worse from you noticing someone else is attractive

[Capricorn3]

I think you have built this crush up into a fantasy in your mind.

 

I think you WANT to believe that all your encounters have been "deliberate" and that he broke up with his girlfriend because he secretly wants to be with you.

 

try not to confuse fantasy with reality.

 

When you know you can't have something it makes you want it more and I think this is the case with you also.

 

This post totally nailed it.

[Sportster2005]

Bagging an older women is on our bucket list when we are younger. Extra points if she's married. And older married twins, well, that's just stuff of ancient lore.