Sometimes we just have to learn for ourselves: My story

[ElectricSheep123]

About 5 months ago, I met a guy on an online gay dating app, and we hit it off right away. He's 36 and I'm 28.

 

Early on, he had mentioned that he was newly single, having ended a year-long relationship only 2.5 months ago. However, we got along so well that his past relationship never seemed to be an issue. Within a month, I was sleeping at his place about 5 nights a week, and we began to act like a couple, to the point of sharing expenses for groceries etc. Within 2 months, we had become "exclusive". He was very needy at times, domineering, and also had some unorthodox sexual tendencies that I won't get into. And although my friends warned me of these red flags, I persisted.

 

About 3.5 months into our relationship, I came accross messages between him and his ex that really hurt me. He was secretly messaging his ex that he still loved him and wanted to meet up to "work something out". The ex rebuffed his efforts, but kept engaging in conversations with him. I was devastated. When I confronted my guy, he was close to tears, apologized to me and said that he did not want his ex back. It was just a moment of weakness. We agreed that we moved too fast into our relationship, and decided to move slower. My guy also requested an "open relationship" (which he said would reduce the pressure of diving into something so early), and I reluctantly agreed, with the main rule that under no circumstances could he sleep with his ex. He agreed.

 

Although we decided to move slow, it seemed this was only in theory. If anything, things got more intense. We moved steadily over the next two months, and become closer and more like a couple. I was still not 100% comfortable with the open relationship, but it was not as bad as I thought. Things were great, for the most part. We even used the L-word. My friends were still unsupportive of our relationship, but said that as long as I was happy, they would stay out of it.

 

The ex did not seem to be an issue anymore.

 

Two weeks ago, my guy stated that a friend in another city was throwing a surprise party for another friend, and that he was going to that city for the weekend. He did not invite me. He left Friday and returned Sunday evening.

 

When I saw him on Monday, I was a bit suspicious, and my gut told me to probe. I asked him when was the last time he saw his ex. (He had not mentioned his ex in a long time.) After a long pause, he stated that his ex was there at the party for the weekend, where everyone engaged in alcohol and drugs and some people even had drunken sex. He said that they, however, did not sleep together. I was furious, mostly because he kept things from me, and it was obvious he went there just to see his ex. I told him I needed time to think about whether or not we should be together. I told him to do the same, and to think hard if he wanted his ex or me. I was emotionally drained by this point, and was seriously contemplating moving on. All my friends told me to leave him, and I said I would.

 

About a week ago, he said that he wanted to be with me, and said that he would cut all ties with the ex. On my friends' advice, I told him I wanted to break up. He seemed devastated, and I too was torn. I immediately doubted my decision and spent the day in bed depressed that I ruined something that could have been amazing. I called him up and told him I would take him back, but needed a few days off to relieve the stress of everything.

 

About 4 days ago, we agreed to meet up to see each other for the first time in a about a week. That very first day, on more than one occasion, he made a joke about whether or not I would be open to a three-way relationship. Then he asked me for permission to "sleep with anyone he wanted". I dodged the question, but the next day, he brought it up again. When I asked who was the other person he was thinking of, he said his ex. He was actually asking me for permission to go sleep with his ex! After everything!!!

 

That was all the confirmation I needed. I packed my clothes, left and never looked back. He's called me multiple times trying to win me back, until I had to make it clear to him that we were over. I blocked his number, deleted his Facebook and cut him from my life.

 

I don't even miss him. Not one bit. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, nothing. I'm just over it.

 

There's a saying that goes, "When people show you who they are, believe them." I failed to see the signs early on, but I think I needed to go back one last time to see the type of person he really was, and it's made my decision so much easier.

[jobelle]

I'm glad you're done with this loser. Well done!

[DoF]

Sometimes? Actually you are wrong. ALL THE TIME is the real answer. Never EVER stop looking in the mirror and constantly re evaluating yourself. Self recognition is a HUGE part of adulthood IMO.

 

We are ONLY in control of OURSELVES. So it's best to focus on ourselves.

[mjoao93]

Congrats on ending things and moving on. you made the best decision and ultimately it is his loss not yours.

[Dottieflanogon]

Well done! That's how you weed out bad apples!There were so many red flags waving in your face from get go.You did the right thing by finally ending things with him.. you dodged a bullet.Be thankful that he showed you who he was before you wasted more time on him. Now you're free to find someone who is available and more suitable for you

[faraday]

I think after your anger wears off, you might feel sad or miss him. I felt the way you feel when I broke up with one of my exes...and once the indignation wore off, I was a mess for a while. But maybe you'll stay feeling good...hopefully

 

The important part is that you're out. When someone asks you to have an open relationship and it feels weird or wrong...I think that's a sign of where things are headed.

 

I think another big thing for me with dating is...that if my friends don't like someone...there's usually good reason for it. They see something that I don't. Because...our friends generally have our best interest at heart- they want to see us happy...so there's no benefit to them to encourage an ending of something that's actually good. You've got good friends- it's not easy to speak up and tell your friend you don't like their partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[BeHeard]

That is one of my favorite sayings. Be glad that he showed his true colors before you became too deeply enmeshed in the chaos he was trying to create.

[overthemoon86]

Good for you! This guy sounds like he is playing everyone.