Raye999 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Hi guys, I really need your advice! My fiancé went out on Saturday with his friends to an event and was messaging continuously through the night up till 11pm then heard nothing until 1.30am said he had no signal yet when he come home his Facebook when off sayin a girl accepted his friend request 2hours ago.. He said he didn't send it he'd never seen her before so I went on her profile and shed tagged herself at the same event he was at! I inboxed her saying hey did you have a good night from his FB and he snatched the phone and blocked her so she couldn't reply.. I looked back on the message the day after he'd unblocked her and messaged saying it was my fiancé who messaged you can you tell her I wasn't chatting you up and you was just talking to my friend (who has a wife and new baby) do I've lost my temper and kicked him out as I hate deceitful people.. He keeps adding to the lies the latest is he did speak to her but not in. Flirtatious way and he can't remember sending the request. I have spoken to her she says they did chat for a while and she knew he was engaged and shed asked him and his friend to add her! He won't leave me alone he's showing up at work at my home I've blocked him on everything I'm so confused what to do please help!!
melancholy123 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 If he's showing up at your work, the boss/owner should be telling him to leave. You can talk to the police about a restraining order.
ParisPaulette Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 And a third for restraining orders, but that's if he gets threatening. Tell him one more time it's over for good, no amount of lying is going to undo the damage and you aren't about to marry him. I'm sorry, but he got caught red-handed and now he's doing the full "If I protest and make a huge deal of this she'll cave, so I can keep doing it." People who really want to change things of the better and fix the bad things they've done own up to it and ask a partner how they can make things right, they don't keep lying then play stalker to try and get you to change your mind. Be thankful he showed you his true colors now and not after you're married. In fact, I'm betting this wasn't his first time at this, it's just when he got caught. Like you I hate deceitful people and come on, if he "can't remember" friend requesting a single girl he's chatted up at an event then the guy is probably looking at early onset Alzheimer's. But it's more likely to be liar-itis. I'm not sure how he couldn't remember saying, "Here, this is my Facebook page, send me a friend request and I'll add you." And of course she's going to try and downplay it, because he's freaking out all over her now and begging her to help him hide it. Sorry, I'm with you. Out he goes and tell him to stop stalking you or you'll get the cops. Definitely tell security at your work and your boss he's freaking you out, so they can get him to leave. If there's someone you can go stay with for awhile you might want to do that just until he gets the message it's over for good.
Capricorn3 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Make sure you cancel all wedding plans. Whatever you do, do NOT marry this guy - all these issues would need to be sorted out before getting married. That is, of course, if you intend staying with him. He's shown you his true colors. Good time to head for the hills.
Heavy Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 You have clearly seen the msg from him to her saying "Don't tell her I was chatting you up". Nothing more needs to be added, he got caught and is now trying to save face. Block him and her, take it as a life lesson. I really don't understand why people have to cheat on their partner, it does so much damage to them and what gets me is most of it is done by a person who has been cheated on themselves.
HeartGoesOn Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 What a snake! I'm sorry this happened, but Good Riddance!
journeynow Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Am I missing something? He friended someone on Facebook? He was out of communication for 2.5 hours? He was at another location with another person? He may or may not have had a signal? Facebook friend requests can get delayed. People can be at the same place at the same time. Sometimes signals can be weak….
Bunney Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Am I missing something? He friended someone on Facebook? He was out of communication for 2.5 hours? He was at another location with another person? He may or may not have had a signal? Facebook friend requests can get delayed. People can be at the same place at the same time. Sometimes signals can be weak…. Did you read the entire Original Post?
DoF Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I don't understand. You broke up with him because he added a female "friend" on facebook? I'll be the first to say "opposite sex friendships" are a no go, but that's hardly even a friendship....he chatted up some girl and didn't want you to know. I mean, clearly he knew you would overreact. Is "no opposite sex friends" a rule in your relationship? Did he break any rules?
Raye999 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Sorry I go wasn't very clear, he had messaged constantly up till being at that event, I was also out but with family he kept messaging saying tell me if someone comes onto you. I didn't message him first once other than have a good night thinking of you. I'm just so confused as to why he's added her if nothing went on did he want to stay in contact for something to happen on the future? I've never lied to him I wouldn't disrespect him like that I am the boss at work so police would probably have to be the next step. I just don't know if I'm looking too much into this and its innocence and I'm throwing away a life of happiness but don't think I can trust him now
Miffycat14 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Well within your rights to be furious, he's been caught out and although it's horrible now be thankful it's pre getting married rather than after! Hope you're okay
Raye999 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Ive had to delete men off my Facebook who I've known a long time as he thought they fancied me so the adding of randomers on a night out is a no go? It can't be all his terms... I have his name tattooed on me and am booked in for it covered on Thursday but don't want to regret it if I'm over reacting... We was very serious going through fertility treatments and very much in love spent every spare min with each other but The reason he wasn't out with me and my family is because he's ruined the past 3 occasions by being overly jealous and spoiling the night. My brother said if he proves he's no longer that way he can come to future events.
Raye999 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Sorry this went into my other inbox so only just saw it , and no absolutely nothing has gone on i was talking to his mate Ryan outside and he was there that's all and told him and his mates to add me on Facebook , I'd tell you if anything happened honestly! I'd be the exact same if i was you , and if I was in the same position i'd want someone to tell me , he said he had a fiance and i was saying congratulations and that and thought it was really sweet x That's the girls reply to mine honest opinion innocent or leave it?
journeynow Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Did you read the entire Original Post? Yep, you'll see I referenced it in mine.
ParisPaulette Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I was also out but with family he kept messaging saying tell me if someone comes onto you. Well, there's a major red flag right there. Does he always do that or was it just that night? Sometimes people project on others the very things they themselves are doing. Also I've run into it before with cheaters where they hope and ask all the time about your interactions with other members of the opposite sex, so they can use that against you when they are caught. My ex was a master of that. He'd poke and prod at me if a good-looking guy was in the room and finally out of exasperation I might say something like, "Okay, fine. The guy's easy on the eyes, but I'm with you and am not interested." Guess who later told me the reason he kept going to online dating sites was to boost his hurt ego, because I was always looking at other men in the room when we went out. And he did not want to hear anything from me about how he'd pushed and nagged the whole situation to begin with. You know your fiancee better than we do. But if it was innocent why did he act like he did? Would you do all that, meet some guy at an event, chat him up, FB friend request him then block him from answering and start pulling out all manner of lies that you and everyone else knows are lies. How does someone not "know they friend requested" someone. It was in person, it wasn't even online where he can say he clicked by accident. He had to give the girl his personal information for her to be on his FB page. He's acting like the guy with the dead body in the trunk of their car who freaks out every time someone goes near the trunk of the car or asks him to open it. Same thing here. Personally, yeah I think he was hoping you wouldn't notice and he could "continue" whatever got started that night. Also don't just look at this from a love viewpoint, what is he losing in losing you? Did you cook and clean for him, did you pay a large percentage of the bills, do you make more money? What are the things you bring to the table besides love that he is losing. That may be a better answer to why he's freaking out now, because i really don't think love has anything to do with it. Bottom line, if it's something you wouldn't do then it's something they shouldn't do. But I have a suspicion maybe he's a bit controlling and there's more there than just this one incident, because I find it really, really odd he'd be demanding you tell him if anyone hits on you when you're just out with family? What's that all about, especially when he turns up coincidentally apparently having some sort of interaction with a member of the opposite sex and yet did his best to hide it from you. I don't think you're giving up a life of love. I think you're giving up a life spent with a cheater who'll do it to you any time your back is turned. When someone loves you they don't hide other people from you and his actions just scream guilty. If it was nothing why not just say "Hey, I met this cool girl at the event, I think you'll like her, she knows our friends..." Why not just do that? My husband does. I never have reason to doubt him. I'm sorry, but it sounds like there's a whole lot more to this story than just this one incident. Base it on that and on your guts, but if you look around this website you'll see post after post of "I caught him/her messaging/talking/seeing someone else. She/He cried and cried and begged and begged for another chance. And did it again. Rinse/repeat/did it again. Rinse/repeat did it again." And the cycle only stops after the partner who caught the other behaving inappropriately leaves. My advice, go NC fully. Call the cops if he won't go and leave you alone. Try to get some perspective and step back and look at the overall relationship, red flags, maybe even see a counselor or find someone to talk to about what's normal in a relationship or not. I do know if any partner ever texted me what he texted you that night my response would have been, "Why? What are you doing that's suddenly got you so worried about cheating? Something you want to tell me there, Bucko?" Because too many times I found chronic cheaters are convinced everyone else is doing it since they are. It's call projection and that's what I'm seeing there. The red flags just keep coming. P.S. I just saw your post about him being overly jealous so that's why he wasn't with you all. I'm sorry, but no. It's called projection all right. Plus jealousy without a cause is a very serious red flag. I'm sorry, I know this hurts but how long have you known this guy and were there any other red flags? This can't have just come out of nowhere. You need to take another look at the red flags he's been displaying, because my suspicion is there are more there.
bulletproof Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 The whole relationship sounds unhealthy on both ends. Why is he ruining family events with jealousy, and why are you overreacting to who he adds on facebook? You both sound very insecure in this relationship. You also sound very codependent on each other.
Raye999 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Thank you so much for your advise, yes he's always messaged like crazy when I go out (very rarely)... If I'm on what's app he wants to know who I'm talking to ect and I just thought he was besotted with me but hearing it from someone I don't know it actually hits home how serious this is and I'm not being silly so thank you
Raye999 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I didn't used to be, I've become like this because of his actions
ParisPaulette Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 hy are you overreacting to who he adds on facebook? You missed the part about him making her delete men she'd known for a long time from her FB page then suddenly adding a girl he'd just met to his FB. And his reaction when she found out about it screams guilt of some sort or another. I'm sorry, but that reeks of double standards and it's not acceptable for anyone in a relationship to do that. Plus why was he acting so guilty? And what's with the jealous controlling behavior that's so bad her own family has had to forbid him from joining them, because he spoiled the last 3 outings? These two things are pretty big red flags that the ex-fiancee was doing, I don't really see OP doing anything but reacting to his lying and jealous controlling behaviors and double standards. Many cheaters are very jealous and controlling, because they are convinced if they're doing it then everyone else is as well. It's a way to convince themselves they're "normal." OP has a total right to be upset about that. I've had it done to me before and it's a massive red flag that should never be ignored--double standards of "I can do this, but you can't" should have no part in a relationship. If the ex-fiancee can demand OP delete people she's known for a long time who are just friends from her FB page then the OP can certainly make the same demand of some female the ex-fiancee just met. Sorry, but what's sauce for the gander is indeed sauce for the goose. OP just really sit down with your family or someone you trust and talk to them. Ask them what they think of this guy if you don't already know. The fact that he can't even spend time with you and your own family without ruining it all by his own jealousy for the last three times is in and of itself actually an even larger concern than the incident with the girl. I'm sorry, again I'm just seeing red flags here. None of this sounds like a healthy normal relationship to me.
Raye999 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 There has been loads of ups and downs it used to be with his temper when he had too much to drink but hat has all stopped we've been so happy lately just had two holidays and as I said early was going through fertility but I've not had a night out since my birthday in May (which he was here) so all this at weekend has really knocked me
JustWishing Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 R u guys all reading the original post?? ...he snatched the phone and blocked her so she couldn't reply.. I looked back on the message the day after he'd unblocked her and messaged saying it was my fiancé who messaged you can you tell her I wasn't chatting you up and you was just talking to my friend (who has a wife and new baby) do I've lost my temper and kicked him out as I hate deceitful people.. He keeps adding to the lies the latest is he did speak to her but not in. Flirtatious way and he can't remember sending the request. He is a lying sack!
j.man Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 He could have just as easily snatched the phone and blocked her because his girlfriend is messaging people in his name. Guy doesn't respond for 1.5 hours on a night out and suddenly the girlfriend is messaging people on his account. Honestly, how was the woman going to respond that would have left the OP satisfied? You both need a long, long break from relationships. The fact you both militantly police each others' social media and the fact neither of you are capable of having a night out without texting each other is scary as hell.
bulletproof Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I didn't used to be, I've become like this because of his actions Accept responsibility for your behavior. You choose how to act. If you didn't like him telling you who you can talk to, then you could have told him that's not acceptable, and walked away from the relationship if he still felt his behavior was okay. What you did is just retaliated by treating him the same way. What's the point of that?
catfeeder Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Sorry I go wasn't very clear, he had messaged constantly up till being at that event, I was also out but with family he kept messaging saying tell me if someone comes onto you. I didn't message him first once other than have a good night thinking of you. I'm just so confused as to why he's added her if nothing went on did he want to stay in contact for something to happen on the future? I've never lied to him I wouldn't disrespect him like that I am the boss at work so police would probably have to be the next step. I just don't know if I'm looking too much into this and its innocence and I'm throwing away a life of happiness but don't think I can trust him now Sounds like this whole relationship was wrapped too tightly around constant contact, and this is the stuff that comes from that. Do you want an equal relationship between two autonomous adults who can trust one another to handle themselves, or do you want to parent one another on an e-leash? Either you can trust one another, or you can't. If not, then all else is irrelevant.
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