Anxiety in potential relationship with an older man. Is he full of it??

[KD90]

I’m sorry this is such a long post but I just feel like I need to lay this all out and include details so it’s better understood!

I am a 25 year old girl with a solid career that does not have much experience in the adult dating world. I have been on dating sites for a while and have gone on several first and second dates, but they were all very mediocre. I liked the guys but never really felt that spark until recently. I went on a date with a 31 year old man who is totally my type appearance wise. We met at a bar and then went and saw some live music down the block. We had some great conversation and we were really getting to know each other. He asked about my dating history and I told him I have been single for a very long time. Once we went to the music venue he started telling me how into me he was. He told me that I was so different and sweet and he never feels like this on first dates. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me (not in a sexual way). He kept touching my arms and legs and holding my hand and kept telling me how pretty and cute I was. I didn’t really know how to respond because I was kinda thinking “is this guy for real we met three hours ago” but I can’t deny I was totally into it too. While we were still at the music venue he told me he didn’t want to go away for the weekend and some other guy swoops in and takes me (he was going out of town for work). He said he wanted me to stop looking on the dating sites and wanted to try “us” out. He said he wanted to hang out with me again and made plans for the following Sunday, and Wednesday. After we left we walked down the street holding hands and we shared a long intense make out session. He kept telling me how much he liked me. He said he can tell I’m guarded and that he “wanted to break down the wall”. I told him that actions speak louder than words and he told me he can’t wait to show me. He said he wanted me to come back to his place and I said no not tonight and he was fine with that. I think he knew the answer before he even asked. But then he said “This isn’t about sex, it’s about more than that”

He told me to text when I got home so I did and he said “I’m really into you”. This all happened on a Thursday

So after this date I was pretty confident that he was interested and this was going somewhere. He texted me the next day just saying he had a good time and kind of reflecting on the date.

 

He went out of town for work (he’s a college coach) but still contacted me on Saturday night. He said cute things like “I can’t wait to see you Sunday. You’ve been running through my mind all day) and we chatted and flirted briefly. Sunday morning he sent a text about his Saturday and said that he probably wouldn’t be able to hang Sunday night because he had a crazy weekend and day with work. Which was fine. When he made the plans I thought he was crazy to even try to squeeze me into his schedule that day.

I texted Tuesday to confirm we had plans for Wednesday and he apologized for being MIA and said he was super busy with work but yes he still wanted to take me out the next day.

The next day he texted me at 11am and very apologetically said that he was so far behind on work from the crazy weekend and he still wanted to see me but our original comedy show date wouldn’t be able to happen because he had to stay late. I said fine I could meet him later on. Somehow it turned into me going over to his place. I was a little hesitant because it was kind of fast to be hanging out in that way, but I really wanted to see him so I went. It was fun we had a great time. We ended up sleeping together which I know is fast and not ideal but when I like someone I have a hard time controlling my wants.

 

We talked the next morning a little bit about the hook up last night. He said he really enjoyed himself. Our chemistry was great. I asked if he wanted to come to my place that night and he initially said yes but then couldn’t at the last minute because he had to work late again. (I believe that, this is his busiest season of the year).

 

We texted some on Friday too, he told me he was thinking about me and that he wanted to see me again. He was kind of talking a lot about the sex and how much he enjoyed it. He told me he told a friend about me (and said he never does that). He also told me that he was feeling under the weather so it was probably good that we hadn’t hung out the night before so I didn’t get sick. He ended that covno with “I’m about to be MIA but you make me happy”

 

He was out of town again for work. I texted him Sunday to ask how his work stuff went and he said it was okay but he was very sick and had been in bed all day. I said feel better and didn’t hear anything all week. Wednesday I got restless and texted him asking if he felt better (hoping to set something up) and he said he was feeling a little better but now he was behind at work from being sick and stressed. We chatted briefly and I told him to let me know when he was healthy and free.

Friday he texted asking to hang out (included something sexual which kind of annoyed me) and I told him I couldn’t because I was going out of town. Saturday night I texted him and said I wanted to see him the next day and he said he could hang out early (included something sexual again). At this point I said something along the lines that I enjoy having sex with him but I also want to go on actual dates and get to know him. He said of course but Sunday he was busy in the afternoon so he only had time to hang out in the morning and I said that was fine.

Sunday I texted him that I was getting back into town later than I expected so he said we should go on a “proper date” later in the week. I said yes and that I was free Wednesday or Thursday.

 

So on Tuesday I text him asking what day he wants to have our date because a friend of mine wanted to get dinner so I needed to let her know what day I was free. He didn’t text me back until THURSDAY NIGHT which made me so so so so mad. From Tuesday to Thursday I had basically decided that he wasn’t interested and that he was just like any other guy that got what he wanted and ran. I actually went on another date but I didn’t really have my heart in it and it was just meh. Anyway he texted me Thursday night saying he was so sorry it’s been such a crazy week blah blah and that after this weekend he will be much more free because his season at work is ending. He then asked if I wanted to hang out. Being the weak person I am I of course said yes (ugh). I went over to his house again and we talked for awhile and ended up having sex again. I told him that it bothered me that he didn’t answer me when he had suggested a date and he said something like well you should have told me that! (are guys this clueless??) He asked if I had gone on other dates and I was honest and said yes and he was clearly a little jealous. He kept asking questions about him. He told me he hadn’t gone on a date with anyone else. He also said something like “I want to lock you down but you’re weird and are going on dates” in a teasing manner. He asked me to spend the night (I hadn’t the time before because we’ve only hung out on work nights) and I did. He’s very cute with me and cuddly and loves showing me all of the music he listens to. (music is a big interest for both of us). So after I left the next morning I didn’t hear form him all weekend. I texted him Saturday with no response just asking how his work thing went. Sunday I texted asking if he wanted to come over. He said he’d been running around all day doing work things and he wasn’t home yet (it was like 8pm) and that he really wanted to take me up on that offer but he couldn’t tonight. He then said (teasingly) “ask me when I’m free for once ” I said are you ever free?? And then said let’s set up a date this week. No response and now it’s Tuesday.

What the heck am I supposed to think??? I guess I’m not used to the adult dating world. I know that guys aren’t as into texting as girls are but I clearly expected him to respond. I guess I’m just confused because 1. He doesn’t really stay in contact between dates (if you can call them that) 2. In person he seems SO into it and says things about “locking it down” and me not seeing other people but then I feel like he’s not making an effort? He hasn’t made solid plans since our first date. Did I sleep with him too soon? Is he only interested in sex even though he said he wants more when we first met? I really like him and he’s driving me nuts! I know it’s been less than a month since we met but I need more communication!! What do I do about this??

[mhowe]

He got what he wanted and he is seeing other people. No coach is that busy.

[DoF]

Don't ever forget, YOU ARE THE GATE KEEPER.

 

Men will ONLY do what you allow....you allowed WAY too much WAY too early. so now you end up with the consequences of all that......he played you

[j.man]

You don't have to be used to the adult dating world to realize that a guy who asked you to come back to his place on the first date, had sex with you the second, and seemingly can't send a text that doesn't involve some sort of sexual innuendo probably wouldn't be the ideal candidate for a "real date," much less a relationship.

 

There's no "potential relationship." He's hitting you up when he's particularly bored, drunk, and/or horny.

 

Gotta exercise some interpersonal common sense here, chica. You don't just "somehow" end up at his place. Takes two to tango.

[surfdiva]

I'm sorry to say, but he's just using you for sex. I know it's too late with this guy, just in the future, get to know someone better before giving them your body. Move on from this one, block him and get him out of your mind.

[Mari]

It doesn't seem like he's available or something else is going on. I would think he'd be able to text at the end of the day at least. It's weird that he's not able to. It's also weird that there is time to hangout but not time to go out on a date. Something is screwed up here, this doesn't seem like normal dating.

[abitbroken]

This guy is laying it on too thick, too fast. If it were me in this situation, I would say I slept with him too soon because you don't know this guy at all. It might not really affect his behavior - but it affects you and your attachment level to him - it may blind you from red flags. You have told us very little about him except how eager and quick he was to talk about "locking you down", touching you a lot during the date (some first date touch is fine if both are okay with it, but the constant touching even if its not sexual speaks to possessiveness or trying to "claim" you in front of other men there). He says you are "so different" before he even knows you. He is talking about sexual things very early on.

 

I really think this guy has poor boundaries and suspect that he will flake if you start reciprocating to him (talking about really really liking him, locking him down, etc.)

 

If you want to continue dating him (i wouldn't but that's just me,) then DO NOT hang out at his house. Meet somewhere and go on proper dates. Do not go home afterwards with him, either. If he wants to date you - he dates you - doesn't move straight into what you would do if you were dating a year.

 

I also think that because you told him you have been single for a very, very long time, he might have thought you were desperate. There are ways to say you haven't dated in awhile by not saying it - you can tell someone once you have dated a while, but saying "I have been focusing on work/school for quite awhile, but decided I was ready to date again" which is true,too, but is not directly, "i have not dated in 6-10" years. It illustrates having a purpose.

 

At any rate, I would be personally uncomfortable with someone who tells me how much he likes me and how I am diferent and he wants to lock me down rather than showing me he likes me by asking me to tell him more about things that are important to me, being interested, in the beginning of the relationships suggesting dates based on things I said I enjoyed, or planning dates where we would have a LOT of opportunity to get to know eachother - a good place to talk. I would feel like an object if he constantly told me how much he liked me on the first date - in words.

[ParisPaulette]

Oh dear sweet lord, this guy is the dating equivalent of the total stranger who roles up in a van offering you a candy bar and telling you that you look real purdy today, "kin I offer yous a ride somewhere sweetie?" I can't even call him a player, because he's just not that good. Obvious as a brick wall at 90 miles an hour and you need to learn not to be dazzled by blatant flattery and looks or you are going to find yourself in some very bad places.

 

First, when a guy meets you for the first time--a total stranger--and can't keep their hands off you it is totally and only sexual. I don't care if it's touching your arm, moving your hair out of your face or grabbing your a$$, it's sexual when a total to near stranger feels free to place their hands on you in any way. Invading personal space is what it's called, don't let someone do that again unless you want to hit it and quit yourself as they say. You want him just for sex, great grab at him all you want too. Otherwise tell them to back the heck up and stop it if they start in touching you. Jeez, he was pushing fast and hard to find what your boundaries weren't.

 

Second, when someone you barely know starts making demands that you get off dating sites and be exclusive, tries to strong arm er I mean rush er I mean full-on push you into agreeing to be exclusive when again you haven't dated them for at least a month (at the very, very, VERY least) it's time to pull the cord and leap out of that airplane fast, because no one who is serious about getting to know you and letting a relationship honestly develop over time will do that--players and abusers and con artists though, they are all about the rush/rush/rush get the mark or date to say yes, so I can move this person on to stage 2 of taking advantage of them.

 

Third, you never let yourself be flattered into sleeping with someone again who you barely know. The fact he wanted you to come over to his place on a first date was a major red flag. That is ALWAYS about sex, come on. You're very lucky he was just wanting sex and wasn't a full-blown predator. I swear am I the only one whose dated out there who was ready with the mace or more the moment some strange man was inviting me to their place when hello we barely knew each other????

 

Fourth, lack of experience is not an excuse for the kind of naivety and hunger for flattery and validation you are displaying. Look, I'm not trying to be harsh here, but surely you've at least read up on these things or watched TV or talked to girlfriends enough about it to know this guy displayed pretty much every red flag "I'm only in it for sex" routine out there. He didn't even try hard to hide it, I can't even call him a player, because he just was about as subtle as a brick wall at 90 miles an hour.

 

Please read this article for safety tips on dating as it pretty much covers the basics and will help. Especially note point 3 of "know when to bail" since yeah it all pretty much covers what this guy was doing.

 

And block and delete this guy, okay? He now has your number in more ways that one and the next time he wants to get laid he knows he just has to lay on the flattery thick and talk all about how he doesn't want any other guy in there (of course he doesn't, who wants someone else using their toys?) to get you to let him have what he wants then he's back out the door again.

 

I'm sorry, but if you're looking for a real relationship this guy isn't it, not even close. He'll just waste your time and please I hope you practiced safe sex at least. You may still want to head to a women's clinic and for heaven's sake when you do have sex with someone make sure you know them well enough to know they'll respect your request of "no glove, no love."

 

The fact is people who are serious about having a relationship will not rush you, they will take the time to get to know you and make sure you are getting to know them. They won't rush you on anything, they'll just keep making dates and slowly introducing you into their lives together.

[Capricorn3]

Did I sleep with him too soon?

Is he only interested in sex even though he said he wants more when we first met?

YES and Yes. He got what he wanted. You're a booty call only and as long as you are willing to give, he will take, but remember, he is not after a relationship with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

At this point I said something along the lines that I enjoy having sex with him but I also want to go on actual dates and get to know him.

 

As they say, "Once the horse is out, it's too late to lock the gate." I think the lesson here is, you have a better chance of progressing into a relationship by dating and getting to know each other first, rather than trying to secure a relationship through sex.

[greta96]

If you are looking for a relationship, there is no such thing as "when I like someone I have a hard time controlling my wants". You *have to* control your wants, or you'll end up exactly where you ended up with this guy. Don't you have self control? You know, that thing that differentiates us from animals? When you like a guy, use your brain, not your body, because every woman out there has a body that is able to accommodate a penis, but it's your brain, your mind, your personality, that make you stand out from the others and have the ability to keep a guy interested long term. Sex is readily available to a guy, especially a good looking one, once you spread your legs (on your first date too, might I add) it's game over, you're thrown in the "casual fun" category and you never get out of it.

You ignored massive red flags, all he needed to do was text you what you wanted to hear, making sure to avoid anything date-like, and you gave him what he was after right away. Never, ever do that again.

I hope you learned your lesson and next time you meet someone you like, you exercise some self control and switch into the smart mode.

 

This is a lost cause, you can keep him around for sex if you so desire, as long as you understand you are just a booty call and don't let yourself fall for him. If you think you can't do casual with him, then block him and move on. Don't make the huge mistake of thinking sex will keep him around and make him change his mind about you, because it won't, sex is the last thing that will make a guy commit and fall in love.

[LC8328]

He couldn’t keep his hands off of me (not in a sexual way). He kept touching my arms and legs and holding my hand and kept telling me how pretty and cute I was.

 

Hi there. Okay, like ParisPaulette said, this IS touching in sexual way. Oh, we know what you meant - that he wasn't outrightly touching your breast or stuck his hands in your underwear. But make no mistake - this is how guys act when they've had a couple drinks and they start to get "handsy" with their date. This hand-roaming stuff says to you, "I don't care much about what you think, but I like your body and I want to see it naked in a room with me."

 

 

He said he wanted me to stop looking on the dating sites and wanted to try “us” out.

 

Oh, HE wants YOU to stop looking on dating sites? What do you get in return? Funny he didn't mention that he would stop looking. All this means is that he wanted to claim you like you were property, and not even in the most respectable variant of the term - he doesn't want to send you 3 dozen pink roses and bring you to candlelit dinners in a french restaurant and listen to you talk about anything you want. No, he's saying that he WANTS YOU, but doesn't want to be WITH YOU. To your credit, you did say that actions speak louder than words, but for an experienced dater, well, we would have already been out the door and away from this slimeball. We know when a man is connecting to us or if he just wants us to shut up and look at our bodies. Sadly, this "older man" of yours (6 years is not really that much older imo) is the latter.

 

 

He didn’t text me back until THURSDAY NIGHT which made me so so so so mad.

 

Okay, seriously...I admit it's been years since I've been in the dating scene and I realize things are a bit different now but...the number of times I have seen the word 'text' in your post is driving me nuts. I texted him hi. He finally texted me back. He did not text me back. I texted him how was your day. I just can't deal with this. Call the man you are dating. If he texts, answer with a call. Talk to him so you can get an answer right then and there. Don't leave it to him to answer you at his leisure and DEFINITELY don't text him and just let him text you back days later whenever the hell he feels like it! You're setting yourself up to be treated like a booty call. And this makes me sad.

 

Also, if he made you mad, you should have let him know. Relationships (not that this is one) are about communicating. If he screws up, it's your responsibility to tell him so you two can discuss it. Yes, you told him that 'it bothered you when he didn't answer,' but that is not the same. Grow a spine for god's sake! You should have told him that it was unacceptable for him to ignore your text, and if he wants to see you and doesn't try to resolve this issue first? That's when you tell him "Are you insane? I am telling you that you hurt my feelings and that you are treating me like a dog, to come when you call, and you're glossing over my hurt feelings and getting back into seeing me and having sex? You answer my question right now as to why you didn't respond to me or you are never seeing me again." Girl, demand respect! But what do you do instead? You come over to his house and have sex with him (insert my confused face here). It makes no sense, because you're complaining that he's treating you this way, but you keep making the same mistake over and over.

 

 

I told him that it bothered me that he didn’t answer me when he had suggested a date and he said something like well you should have told me that! (are guys this clueless??)

 

He's not clueless. He's BS'ing you and trying to squirm out of it.

 

In person he seems SO into it and says things about “locking it down” and me not seeing other people but then I feel like he’s not making an effort?

 

He's not making an effort because he's not locking you down in the sense that you are becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. He is locking you down in the sense that you are his toy and no one else's.

 

Is he only interested in sex even though he said he wants more when we first met?

 

Well, if he said it, it must be true, right? Sigh.

 

What do you do? Block him, go no contact, and learn from this. Control yourself so that you can demand respect, so that you can develop a real nurturing emotional relationship with a man. Because everything you've done here...is not the way to go about it. At all.