Attracted to other women, and losing attraction for girlfriend.

[RIPDIME]

I'm in a bit of a bind. On one hand, I do love my girlfriend. We do everything together, we get along, in essence she's a sweetheart. Still, after these three years, I find my attraction waning. We rarely have sex, kiss, or do anything passionate anymore. Still, I realize that this is all my decision. I lost my virginity to her, and she is my first true girlfriend, and I am now in my mid 20s. I am annoyed at myself that I was too shy to take advantage of women earlier in life, and experience the joys of the opposite sex, which she was able to get out of her system in her late teens. All I can think about is going out into the field and meeting other women. It is a dilemma that bugs me constantly, especially since I know I am getting older, and these experiences, particularly with younger women, may not be available much longer. This is hard, because I don't want to be dishonest and cheat, nor do I want to be like older married couples, who continue a relationship because of nostalgia and an unwillingness to hurt the other person.

 

At this point, I feel like we should take a break, or just stay friends, but I'm worried I won't find other girls after, and worried about losing someone so important to me. I am also worried that I am a depraved westerner who focuses on sex instead of other honorable values, although I know that my urges are natural instincts that will keep bothering me until satiated.

 

I don't have family I can talk to about this, so I came to this forum. Any ideas or approaches to my bind here?

[Theniceone]

You posted not long ago under a different user name?

[DoF]

First off, you have a HUGE issue in your relationship. Lack of intimacy. What have you done about this? Have you spoke to your girl? It's time. This will kill your relationship. Focus on this!!!

 

As for the rest. Your feelings are completely normal even for a guy that has a PERFECT relationship. With lack of intimacy, it's that much worse!!!

 

Look, to a man, intimacy/sex = the ultimate expression of love. Currently, you feel that your girl simply doesn't love you (due to lack of sex). So you need to talk to her about this.

 

This has to change, if it doesn't I would tell you to end this relationship. And this applies to YOU as well. Usually it takes 2 to tango. Are you satisfying your girl in the intimacy department? Is she? Why isn't she? Does she realize what's on the line here?

 

If your frequency of sex doesn't match up I would just tell you to end it, cause you will either break up down the line anyways or cheat. Neither one is good.

 

As for the thoughts you have, don't worry about "experiencing" crap or chasing tail so many young guys get into. It's mostly bunch of BS and worthless anyways. Do you see what your friends have to deal with and go thru? The drama etc? You really want that?

 

To help your thoughts, remember this, we cannot control the thoughts that come to our end, we can however control what we do with those thoughts. In general we have 2 choices.

#1 - Dwell on them, think about them, let the thought flourish, act on them, fantasize about them etc etc. All of these usually push you deeper into the "no man's land" and into the actual act.

#2 - Ignore them when they come. Simply divert your mind to something peaceful you like or think about something else. Mind diversion is a powerful tool. If you practice this enough, in time, these thoughts will go away as fast as they come. This requires practice and consistency, and also comes with age/maturity.

 

I suggest you take #2, mostly because a) you are in a relationship and have a obligation to your girl and b) because it will make you a much better person and won't get you into trouble.

 

Talk to your girl and make sure this issue gets resolved.

 

Also, since BOTH of you are young I suggest you BOTH read and study 5 love languages. It's a great general guide to relationship. Do it for YOURSELF!

[RIPDIME]

Well, the problem is that I am not that attracted to her, and want to experience other things. It is I who is not putting out, and yes, our relationship was quite intimate let's say a year ago. I am sure there is a value in chasing tail other than drama, after all, everyone that does it, and has done it for thousands of years, does it because they assume it will benefit them or it brings them joy. Perhaps it is worth it to wade through drama etc for pleasure, understanding, friendship with the opposite sex? I myself haven't had many relationships, even friend-wise, with women. I would also like to point out that usually you dwell on unresolved issues, and your mind brings these to the forefront because the impulse is important and meaningful.

 

How would I even go about breaking up with her?

[DoF]

Well, the problem is that I am not that attracted to her, and want to experience other things. It is I who is not putting out, and yes, our relationship was quite intimate let's say a year ago. I am sure there is a value in chasing tail other than drama, after all, everyone that does it, and has done it for thousands of years, does it because they assume it will benefit them or it brings them joy. Perhaps it is worth it to wade through drama etc for pleasure, understanding, friendship with the opposite sex? I myself haven't had many relationships, even friend-wise, with women. I would also like to point out that usually you dwell on unresolved issues, and your mind brings these to the forefront because the impulse is important and meaningful.

 

How would I even go about breaking up with her?

 

There is no such a thing as friendships with women......

 

Anyways, if you are not attracted to her and remain with her than there is something wrong with you. Why in the world would you remain in a relationship without attraction?

 

That's just bizarre.

 

How you break up with her? Go up to her, look her in the eyes and tell her that you no longer love her and are ending the relationship.

[Clinton]

How do you break up with her? You simply Tell her it's not working and it's over. Permanently.

[Unreasonable]

Did the (lack of) desire for intimacy start on yours or her end?

 

I married the girl I lost my virginity to, 21 years ago. There's been a lot of bumps in the road, but we have always had fantastic sex, and I have never wanted to stray. I had jitters with the "this is the last person I'm every going to be with?" when I was younger, but that faded.

 

As others have said, lack of intimacy will kill you two.

[ParisPaulette]

So break up with her already. Trying to say "Oh, but I want all the comforts she brings while having sex with other women," is just flat-out selfish.

 

You break up with her the same way we all do, you say "I want to end things" and you end them. Don't tell her "I don't find you attractive and want to have sex with other women," because that's nearly as cruel as cheating on her would be. Just a simple, "This is no longer working for me," and then you leave and go NC and don't look back. Even yes when life is a bit hard, because relationships--good honest ones anyways--are NOT based on using someone else for your own comfort, or security or.or.or.

 

And having a relationship with someone you aren't attracted to is actually pretty stupid. It's not like countries are going to go to war or you have kids or land that her family will take back. So you have to be single again and risk rejection like the rest of us, boo-fricking-hoo.

 

Sorry, I'm not really sympathetic to your "plight" but I really do not get people who stay in a relationship and complain about how unhappy they are. You don't even have an excuse of marriage and kids. So just do it. You wouldn't be stressing over it if you were faced with leaving a terrible job, you'd just do it, same thing.

 

Breaking it off will hurt her and you in the short term, but cheating on her which I think you eventually will, can damage her permanently. Don't do that to her, be a man and just end it, not a coward.