Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I need help. I have been with the same guy for almost 5 years and we have two beautiful little girls. He is an amazing father and partner, honestly I couldn't ask for more. My problem is, he won't marry me. Every time I bring up the subject he says "do you really think we are ready for that?". I'm not sure how much more ready we could be !! We share a bank account, we live together, and we have two kids....I'm at the point where I just want to know exactly when we are getting married, or I'm walking. Am I being irrational letting this be a deal breaker for me?
notalady Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 You're irrational to have gotten to the point where you are now without marriage in the first place. Irrational for letting this be a deal breaker? No. If his reasoning was that he is committed to you but doesn't believe in marriage, at least that's acceptable. His excuse is absurd, what does he mean you're not ready for marriage, you've already done everything that usually come after marriage. It sounds to me like he just doesn't want to commit to you, plain and simple. Since you have kids, I'm not sure how much you would consider walking away and how much the lack of marriage is a deal breaker for you. If it is a definite deal breaker and you're ready to walk away if he doesn't want to get married, I would say lay it all on the table for him and see what he says. How's the relationship other than that? Does he treat you respectfully and lovingly? How much do you fight?
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I think we have a great relationship. We obviously have ups and downs but in general, I think it's great. He said tonight "has our relationship this past year been good enough to consider marriage?" And I was floored, because I honestly thought we have had a great relationship. I'm a goal and time oriented person and if my goals for this relationship don't match his, I don't see what we are doing together. I hate that I feel this way and would throw away something like we have, but how do you get over wanting something so much?
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I took a higher up position this past month and we haven't gotten to see each other a lot, so there is certainly stress in our house because of that, but we rarely fight.
jobelle Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 After 5 years, 2 kids, a joint account etc it seems to me that this man is using whichever issues you had last year as an excuse. I think you need to get him to specify exactly what bothered him during last year. But probably the problem lies somewhere else, maybe he doesn't believe in marriage? Maybe he's not ready to financially invest in a wedding? Maybe his feelings for you are not exactly what they should be? He's the only one that can answer these questions. Try probing a bit more, starting with last year's "issues". Do it in a calm and collected way.
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I'm starting to wonder if he just doesn't want the headache of breaking up and having to do things alone financially. He has said many times he doesn't want his girls raised by another man, and it's important to stay together. All that's great, but now I'm starting to think this situation just benefits him and he wants to keep it the way it is, without deeper commitment. He has a partner, extra income and his girls full time. If he admitted he didn't really love me enough to marry me, he knows I would leave, and take those things he likes. I know I'm a woman and over think things, but to me, a man that loves you, will marry you, especially in this situation. Would it be easier to stay and just "get over it" in some ways, yes, but how could I live with myself knowing I gave up something that means so much to me? Ugh
dave_1966 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 With fifty percent of marriages failing within a few years, and the fact that 70% of divorces are instigated by women I can't say I blame him. If its not broken, why try to fix it? It's just a piece of paper, but a piece of paper that can turn around and bite a lot of guys in the @ss. Have you mentioned to him that you're willing to sign a prenuptial agreement before getting wedded?
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 He doesn't have anything to take. It's not money, I promise you. I make the same as him.
Bunney Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Has he ever stated to you in the past what his thoughts of marriage are? It must have come up at some point. My guess is that it might have nothing to do with you and doesn't really believe in the concept of marriage (nothing wrong with that!), but has a hard time admitting that so he is beating around the bush saying like "oh we're not ready" etc. I feel like these days everyone should start to accept that NOT wanting marriage is just as OK and valid as wanting it. Of course he could also just not be sure if you're 'the one'. Perhaps time to have a heart to heart discussion WITHOUT being pushy, accusatory, or anything else negative. Show him that what you guys have is a 'safe place' where he can open up and talk to you about things without you overreacting.
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 That's fine if he doesn't want to get married, but I need to know that , because I do. He knew from the beginning what I wanted.
dias Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 If he doesn't want to get married for financial reasons it's understandable . Ask him if he wants to get married with a prenuptial agreement. If the answer is no then he is indeed not committed to you .
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 There is no financial reasons. We share a bank account, we don't own a home, and I contribute the same amount of money. If I could make sense of him not wanting to, other than me just not being the one, I wouldn't be so hurt
dias Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I have relatives who believe that relationships(before getting married) are not that serious and cheating/flirting is not that great a deal.They think that when you get married things become serious and cheating becomes "unforgivable" ( i never fathomed this concept ). Maybe he is this kind of person. He feels the boundaries of the relationship are still "loose"
toby17 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Every time I bring up the subject he says "do you really think we are ready for that?". This guy is something else. That's fine if he doesn't want to get married, but I need to know that , because I do. You already know - you just want him to say the words. But you don't need him to - he's already told you his answer. Everytime he says "do you really think we are ready for that?", he's telling you "no"!
Cmbreen Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I know, I feel like I'm begging someone to marry me, I've already lost my dignity, and am just getting the clue 😕
Fudgie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have any constructive advice, just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I do not understand it at all when some men are fine with living with a woman and having children with a woman, but they won't marry her. Uhm, children are huge commitment and it's a never-ending genetic tie between you and your partner, but yet somehow, marriage is too much? Sorry, I don't understand.
Seraphim Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 He has taken the chicken way out by not saying we're not getting married . By saying , do you really think we are ready? It is the chicken's way out of saying ,no I'm not getting married but, hey I wouldn't mind the cozy arrangement that we have.
Hermes Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Cmbreen, I truly hope it works out for you. I agree with other posters that you need to have a serious and calm conversation about the situation, as evidently you are not happy. I know you said he knew from the outset what you wanted........ I tend to think of these situations as the "Madame Butterfly syndrome" (One fine day).
dave_1966 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have any constructive advice, just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I do not understand it at all when some men are fine with living with a woman and having children with a woman, but they won't marry her. Uhm, children are huge commitment and it's a never-ending genetic tie between you and your partner, but yet somehow, marriage is too much? Sorry, I don't understand. Sadly, the divorce statistics don't support your view.
Liefde Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Mmmmmm! Maybe you should stop asking and start tell him you have a year to get married!
Seraphim Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Sadly, the divorce statistics don't support your view. It depends on the country. Not every country has staggering divorce rates. This is from stats Canada. ]
Hermes Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Also, there would be far less divorce if so many people just stopped and considered what marriage involves. It isn't the "day", the dress, the flowers, the music, the guests....... And being in a romantic haze is no basis either.
Seraphim Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Also, there would be far less divorce if so many people just stopped and considered what marriage involves. It isn't the "day", the dress, the flowers, the music, the guests....... And being in a romantic haze is no basis either. Exactly ,marriage is the next 50 to 60 to 70 years together with the other person day after day after day after day. If that's not something that you can see is realistic......
Hermes Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Aaah, yes, reality. But you see, V, most people don't WANT to look at reality. They think it is like in a movie. I swear. People waltz into marriage with people who (and yes they know in advance) are abusers, unfit, mental problems, unstable, plain conmen/women, the list is long. But what the h**l. It is soooo romaaantic. And besides "I'll be able to straighten him/her out once we're married". It amazes me there are not even more divorces when you consider how people entered into what is a contract in the first instance. Geeze, you wouldn't buy a house (or even a car!!) without a survey, inspection and looking in particular for the flaws, (as well, of course, as the attractive aspects of the house.
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