StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Summer before this past one, I had a really bad experience with a woman whom I'd met a couple of times and then (randomly, independently) started talking to on a dating website. She kept jerking me around, saying she wanted to get together, then disappearing at the last second for weeks. I finally gave up on her, but the whole thing left my confidence a bit shot. I've been on a few dates since then, but really, very few. And a very common theme there seems to be difficulty moving things offline/away from texting. I worry about getting my hopes up based on texting, only to have the woman completely flake on me. Which leads me to my present situation. I've gone on dating websites sporadically, occasionally starting conversations that have potential but then don't go anywhere. Last week, I matched with a woman on OKCupid through the Quickmatch function (i.e. we both swiped right). And physically, I did find her very attractive - and I haven't been in the situation of an attractive woman finding me attractive in a while, so I was still a little incredulous. But I checked out her profile, and not only did it look like we had a lot in common (2 out of the 3 things I look for in a woman were easily identifiable from her profile alone), she also seemed really interesting. I felt we might have quite a bit to talk about, so I took the plunge and sent her a message. I was pleasantly surprised that she responded to my message favorably, and even more surprised that she was actually engaging with me, not just passively answering whatever questions I asked. We exchanged numbers and moved on to texting, and I asked her to meet with me later this week. She's seemed totally up for it. In the meantime, the text exchanges we've had have felt so natural, in a way I haven't felt in a long time. (Coincidentally, she volunteered info that told me that she possesses that third trait I look for in a woman...it is rare for someone to have the "Triple Crown" there.) I feel as though I've really gotten to know this woman in the few days in which I've been texting her...and that's what scares me. Instead of waiting for next week, she actually suggested getting together for Halloween, but both of our plans went kind of awry, and she wound up sort of flaking on me. To her credit, though, she cared enough to text me later that night to give me a reasonable explanation as to what happened, to apologize profusely, and to make it clear that she really did still want to meet up this week - which is a lot more than I've gotten from anyone over the last year and a half. Since we both want to move things into the real world sooner rather than later, we agreed on tomorrow night. I don't know what it is, exactly. I have every reason to believe that this will be a great experience, but I've had such rotten luck recently that it's still a little hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I'm at the top of her list of options - yet she's suggested she's really interested. I don't want to find reasons to doubt myself, but I don't want to get into a situation where I'm all invested in this situation and yet have it not work out. I'm falling too hard, too fast...but she really does feel special. I think a lot of this is anticipation, and I think that once I meet her, I'll be OK no matter how it goes, so if someone were to give me a reality check here, I would happily take it to heart.
tallydoo Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Slow down...you're going on one date. Feel it out and see how it goes; she may be completely different than her online/texting persona, or she might be the same. Just be present in the moment without building too much up.
greta96 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 This is a completely new person, so don't let your past bad experiences with online dating affect the outcome of this one. Just because others flaked, it doesn't mean this one will too. By the same token, stay away from statements such as "I'm falling hard and fast" - you aren't falling, because you don't know her! Stop putting this kind of thoughts in your head, because it will come through in your actions and you'll scare her away. You only have a little bit of waiting left, then you'll know. Don't be so surprised that everything is going well, when something is meant to be, it will be, despite your previously bad experiences. You just didn't meet the right woman for you, that's all. If this one is right, it will happen. The key here is to keep your wits about you, and be yourself, as you were when you two exchanged your first messages. That's the "you" she likes and wants to meet. Once you create expectations for the both of you, and start putting pressure on yourself and overthinking everything, it all goes south. Be yourself, enjoy the ride (not literally, be a gentleman! lol), and take it as it comes to you. Keep us posted on how your date goes tomorrow, and remember: be yourself and have fun!
Andrina Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I did online dating for several years, so speak from experience. It's all a fantasy until you meet, and it's still not reality until you get to know the person over the longterm, if it makes it that far. I felt the same as you, time after time. I liked the photo, the e-mails, the phone calls, and got so excited to meet someone I felt a connection with. When it came to the actual meeting, 9 times out of 10, one or both of us didn't have chemistry. Chemistry is a biology one can't control. I'm sure some of the guys were great people, but if I didn't feel the chemistry, it would be like kissing a sibling. A few, I dated a little longer, but found out they didn't have the same dating goals as me, or were players. Some I liked, but they didn't feel the same. I'm not trying to be a downer, but trying to get you to change your mindset. You usually have to date a boatload of people before finding "the one." It's more rare to meet someone and everything major matches--life goals, attraction, ethics, how often you like to get together, enjoying similar activities, dating goals. It's not impossible to find someone like this, but you have to think of it as sifting through a lot of sand before finding the treasure. The good news is that it happens. I dated about 30 men, most ending after the first date, before meeting my future husband online. Everything fell into place like puzzle pieces with him. My advice is to take a wait and see attitude. When you're on the date, make it a goal to enjoy the company of another person without projecting into the future. If date one goes well, make another date. Keep it at a one day at a time, enjoying the present attitude. If it doesn't work out, it's not always about what you did wrong. The other person could be broken or you two just weren't compatible. Don't let your past hurts control how you take risks. Everyone survives hurt and it's a part of life. If you stop taking risks, you may as well be a hermit. To supplement your dating pool, try meetups.com. It's local activity groups (put in your geographic location), some open to everyone and some geared for single people. It's less stressful than online dating. Good luck!
Fudgie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 It's okay to look forward to the date but don't let your hopes get too high. Many people are not who they appear to be online. I am not speaking of anything malicious or deceitful, btw. It's just a fact of nature: who you are in person, in the flesh, can be very different from your online persona, even if you strive to be as real and authentic as you can be online. Have you talked to her on the phone yet?
StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Thank you for your responses. I'm realizing that I'm probably mainly excited because this is the first date in a while that has potential - potential that I'm reasonably convinced is there. It's an unfamiliar feeling. But even if I don't project far into the future, I think recognizing the potential is realistic and healthy. I spoke with her on the phone very briefly a couple of days ago, mainly for the purposes of trying to figure out the Halloween plans that ultimately didn't happen. I'm not a big fan of calling just to talk before meeting for the first time - there's something about not being able to really match the voice to the face that doesn't quite sit right with me. (I suppose I could make a case for Skyping, but...20/20 hindsight.) Anyway, based on that brief conversation, I would say I have some idea of how she is in more real time, though I don't know if she can say the same about me. Also, when I Googled her name, there were some YouTube videos that came up, so again, I have a little bit of an idea that goes beyond the texting. (I wouldn't feel weird about telling her I'd seen a few of the videos - while she didn't link me to them, she did link me to other sites with projects of hers, so I don't see Googling her name as unreasonable.)
StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Also, one thing that I think has been weighing on my mind is the age gap - I'm 8 years older than she is. I personally don't have a problem with that, but with an age gap like that, I'm worried that she might have a problem. Technically speaking, I'm literally right at the upper end of the age range she posted on her profile. And I mean "literally," because technically speaking this is the last day that I'll be within that age range, period. Somehow I completely lost sight of exactly what night I was turning 30...
Fudgie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 So, you're 30 and she's 22? I don't think it's a big deal if you two are at somewhat similar places within your lives and/or are looking for the same things in a partner. Hopefully she's not like many early 20s folks and isn't a partier/clubber, unless of course, you're into that yourself. Just curious, what are the "Traits" that she has seemed to have that are important to you?
StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I don't believe she's a clubber/partier per se. She's into a certain scene, but nothing that I have a problem with or don't enjoy. In a way, we are at similar places in life, which is maybe one of the reasons I feel drawn to her. It hasn't helped my confidence to worry about whether women will judge me for where I am in life, and based on what I know about her, I actually feel like she doesn't judge me like that. The traits - or perhaps I should say "prerequisites" - I look for are, in vague terms: 1) a particular sexual compatibility, which has been a point of contention in past relationships, even before the events of last summer; and 2 & 3) two particular political/ethical issues that are very important to me, where disagreement would mean such a profound difference in values that I don't think I could make it work. I knew about 1) and one of 2 & 3) from her profile, but I didn't know about the second ethical issue from her profile alone. By sheer coincidence, she just so happened to be working on a paper centering on that second issue, and she made her views on it very clear (they are, indeed, compatible with my own). She was actually just as surprised as I was to find that we agreed on it! For the record, I'm turning 30 at midnight, which on reflection would make me 9 years older.
Fudgie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 It sounds pretty promising! Go into it with an open mind, hopeful but not assuming or expecting anything. I think if your age bothered her, she would not agree to meet up with you, just my opinion. If someone's age bothered me, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of meeting. Women have tons of options in online dating so that's what many of them would do. Don't sweat it.
StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 It sounds pretty promising! Go into it with an open mind, hopeful but not assuming or expecting anything. I think if your age bothered her, she would not agree to meet up with you, just my opinion. If someone's age bothered me, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of meeting. Women have tons of options in online dating so that's what many of them would do. Don't sweat it. Thanks, Fudgie. That thing about women online having options did occur to me, which is, again, something I hadn't entirely come to grips with ("...and she decided to go out with me, of all people???"). I'm just going go ahead and say that she did, and I'll just go with that. I'll let you all know what happens!
Batya33 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Thanks, Fudgie. That thing about women online having options did occur to me, which is, again, something I hadn't entirely come to grips with ("...and she decided to go out with me, of all people???"). I'm just going go ahead and say that she did, and I'll just go with that. I'll let you all know what happens! She agreed to meet you in person to see if in the future you two should go on an actual date. I would manage your expectations so that it doesn't impact your behavior when you meet her in person.
StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I think I've got the expectations under control now. I was thinking through some of what I've said about her and suddenly realized the extent to which I was exaggerating to myself the connection we already have. Luckily, several hours before we're scheduled to meet!
StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Well, I left her apartment just a short while ago... That was easily the most awesomely bizarre date of my life. I don't even know if I can describe what happened on the date itself, but - clearly - something went very, very right. We got along fantastically, and - as we said to each other - everything just felt right. Thanks again for helping to keep me grounded. Here's hoping it's the beginning of something great!
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.