emmamomocat Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Hi everyone I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months, and he is kind, supportive and loving. I'm happy with how things have been so far. It's only recently that a problem has started to come up. My bf has a close-knit group of friends who he has known since he was about 12 years old. There are two girls, and two guys, and my bf. They are very important to him, and they've been on all kind of trips etc. together. I got a great impression of them the first time I met them too, and enjoyed spending time with them. I've seen them about three or four times in total over the past 8 months. My bf told me it was very important to him that I could get on with his friends, so I made a big effort. This was despite the fact that they often talk about insider things and stuff that happened in their hometown about ten years ago... I would just look interested even though I couldn't contribute anything to this kind of conversation. Anyway, about 6 weeks ago I went to the house of one of these friends with my bf, who said he would really appreciate it if I came along. My bf's guy-friend answered the door, and immediately I could tell something was off. He just sort of blanked me. I made remarks about how cool his apartment was, tried to spark up a conversation about cycling (a mutual interest), but he wasn't very responsive. He's normally very outgoing so I thought this was strange. His other male friends was there and seemed normal which was good. An awkward thing happened, however. My bf said he was excited that there was going to be a boardgame night soon. I had just moved to town and didn't know anyone, so he thought it would be a great chance for me to spend time with some grown adults (I'm pretty busy in my job as a teacher). But his friend who had been a bit cold didn't say anything. One week later, and my bf tells me that this same friend says he doesn't want me at the boardgame night because it's just a 'thing for the group'. I was a bit hurt, especially because I was going to be left to my own devices, and then decided whatever - I'll tell my bf to go have a good time. My bf said he was annoyed about his friend's behaviour, and let him know. The friend didn't seem to mind being told this. Anyway, flash forward to this weekend and one of the girls is in town and was arranging lunch. My bf asked if I could come too and this time the girl says nope, it's just for the small group. At this point my bf got very upset and let them know that he was disappointed in their attitude. I was hurt too, although I know I shouldn't let it bother me. Once again I wasn't going to stop him spending time with his friends. So now my BF is away having lunch, and he says he'll confront his friends about why they don't want me around. At this point though, I don't even feel like wasting my time thinking about them - which is a shame considering how positive I was about them at the start, and how much my bf wants us to get along. Do I have the right attitude about this whole thing? Is my bf doing the right thing? And are his friends being unfair, or just doing something I don't understand? Thanks for any advice, I'll let you all know when he tells me how lunch went.
sleepingdonut Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 His friends sound like douches. Hopefully he'll set them straight. I think you're doing fine, but watch out if you end up in a situation where your boyfriend starts accepting their behaviour and no longer stands up for you. If that happens, then you'll need to find a new boyfriend.
luminousone Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think that you should be glad your bf is sticking up for you. He may be rethinking his "friendship" with those people. Sometimes it is time to let go of friendships that have run their course. How strange and hurtful. Very snobby and cliquish. Sounds like middle school, honestly. Time for you guys to meet some new friends who are grown up.
dave_1966 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Could be anything really, perhaps the initial rude guy is gay and likes your bf. Personally, I'd have nothing to do with them because they sound dull. Let your BF go out with them alone when appropriate, for example not on a Saturday night when it should be your 'together' time.
itsallgrand Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Did the friend realize you were going to be coming that day when he acted cold to you? What pops into my mind is that perhaps since you have moved to town (in with your boyfriend?), the friends are reacting to a feeling of being threatened that you are going to be everywhere he goes now. And that they will never see him alone. I think what you are doing is exactly right. Let your boyfriend deal with it, stay cool, and support him in seeing his friends when he wants to. I'd also work on making some friends outside of the boyfriend as soon as you can. Even if it's taking some time where you go to a meet or class or something where you could potentially meet people. The point being, not putting the boyfriend in a position where he may feel bad that you are 'left to your own devices' if he goes out alone sometimes. That would take a lot of pressure off your boyfriend as well.
abitbroken Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Okay - I think that all you have to be concerned about is the fact that your boyfriend is excited about you and wants you to hang out with his friends because he is proud to be with you. If that is the case, and they don't want to, then I wouldn't worry about it. It is okay for you to have some friends that your boyfriend is not close with and vice versa. The way to handle it would not be a confrontation, but for him to either decline invites to things that are just for "the group" and for him to say "i would really like my girlfriend to be part of the group" or to once a month or so to meet up one on one with the guys and go have a beer or coffee without you saying boo about it. I am sure you have girlfriends that you do things with as women together that don't include your boyfriend always. As we get older, the "friends as a group" thing gets a little old. But things do change when someone gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Time will tell whether your boyfriend outgrows this group, whether your boyfriend does the inviting and if they have a problem they just won't come, or whether everyone will grow up a little and as they get bf/gf as their own, they want to socialize more. I think its okay that he sees these friends apart from you sometimes, but because he wants to and not because they forbid you. I will say I have a friend who I have had since middle school and she doesn't socialize with my boyfriend. She lives out of state, but when we do get together, we get together just us. I have never met her boyfriend. We are not excluding our boyfriends. If she came to my state and we weren't meeting halfway, of course they would see eachother, but we usually meet halfway and just do something together. We tend to talk about the olden days when we were kids and share stuff that maybe we would be uncomfortable sharing with the guys (i would be okay sharing with my bf my stuff, but she wouldn't want to share with him and vice versa). But I think having a one on one same sex friend is different than "a group" who can vote you in or out.
emmamomocat Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 Hi everyone He just got back and told me that his friends explained that they don't dislike me, they just don't want me around unless it's a 'special occasion'. I was honest with my bf at that point, and told him that I don't have to like his friends if they are going to be this way - but that I will never stop him seeing them. I also pointed out that us all meeting up for special occasions would not be fun, with all of this tension around. In fact, I can't imagine wanting to spend time with people who act like this at all, especially after I've tried extending the olive branch, and I'm happy to leave them alone. I'm a very principled person, and I personally wouldn't make friends with people who have this kind of attitude. Anyway, my bf got really upset when I said this and has had to go out on a walk because he is so angry/sad.
Movingforward3 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Getting into the group will be a challenge. My suggestion is set up a party or cook out at your place and invite them! This way it's on your home turf and gives you a chance to play hostess. Just make an effort and don't worry about their feelings.
itsallgrand Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think you owe your boyfriend a huge apology. He must feel very alone right now. First his friends pull some petty bull, and now you are. He can't win. Give him a situation where he can win. Create it. Be the bigger person. And though I agree they were jerkwads in how they handled things, I think it's fair that you not expect to have an instant friend network just because they are your boyfriends friends. You will be included in all things that it would be strange if the girlfriend wasn't, but that is all they want. It shouldn't matter because you have your own friends etc. and don't need their approval, do you?
emmamomocat Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I apologised and said I would be cordial and nice to the friends in the future if was required. He said he understood why I'm not too fond of them. He also says he feels as if he is outgrowing them, and wants us to find mutual friends to hang out with. So the problem seems to have been solved for now. It was helpful to hear that other people feel like they are being immature. On another note, I've been doing language and cooking classes and attending church since I moved here - so I'm hopefully on the verge of meeting some lovely friends of my own.
LovelyDani87 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I've been in the same situation before, come to find out my ex constantly vented about our problems to her friends and eventually they all had it made up in their minds that she "deserved better" therefore that's when the distant and cold behavior started from them until I finally broke it off with her. Now, she complains about her friends to me lol. Make sure he's not feeding them b.s. about you.
treesandbees Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think his friends are wrong to actively exclude you, it doesn't seem like you are always asking to get in on all they do and are cool with him and them doing things w/o you and off what you typed you seem polite and open to getting to know them. I'd be hurt if one of a partners friends said that about me, and you got two of them doing this. I'm glad your BF is upset about their actions and sides with you ..his GF. Do the two saying "no she cannot join us" have partners or are they single? How would they feel if they were told leave the person you love at home, bet they wouldn't like it. Do your own friends welcome your BF into your group?
itsallgrand Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I apologised and said I would be cordial and nice to the friends in the future if was required. He said he understood why I'm not too fond of them. He also says he feels as if he is outgrowing them, and wants us to find mutual friends to hang out with. So the problem seems to have been solved for now. It was helpful to hear that other people feel like they are being immature. On another note, I've been doing language and cooking classes and attending church since I moved here - so I'm hopefully on the verge of meeting some lovely friends of my own. Yeah, that's good. A new leaf for both of you.
jobelle Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 How childish and hurtful of his friends. Hope you guys can find common friends to hang out with.
ParisPaulette Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 His friends are being a$$holes, you aren't being wrong here. It's good you have resolved it for now, but I think he was in the wrong to get upset that you expressed you didn't like being made to feel like "the good china pulled out only for special occasions" girlfriend. No one that i know would accept that and if they all want to stay friends only with who's already in the group then they are going to watch a shrinking group. Agree, get new mutual friends to spend more time with. His friends sound like a really close-minded rude group anyways.
Dottieflanogon Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Don't act like you're very much affected by them. Some people are just out to ruin you or dislike you for the mere reason of it. Be nice and friendly... and try to "connect" or "relate" to their interests (as long as it's nothing bad) and hobbies. Show them that you're fine with his friends and that you don't feel too awkward around them.
Snny Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I strongly disagree that he is sticking up for you. He is being passive just by accepting their invitation and leaving you behind. They are being A holes and they know it. He should be standing firmer by declining their invites. "I'm sorry, but things have changed its me now. I am in a relationship. I would appreciate having my girlfriend join us as a group, or I'm gonna have to skip lunch with if you all can't respect my relationship." Couples are social units and must be respected. That is etiquette. It is super rude to invite half a couple to ANY outing. And those girls not inviting you out to lunch with them and your boyfriend... You might not have done anything directly to them but They already feel threatened because you stolen his attention away from them. As a dominant woman myself, I guarantee that this jealousy is the root of their behavior. I used to be that girl- if I didn't like a particular female because she stole male attention from me, I did whatever I could to make sure she didn't show up to my gatherings. They want to continue to treat him as their boy toy accessory. Not ok at all. These guys are not his real friends. For yours and his sake, I hope he ditches them and find new mature friends.
TwixSense Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Wow thats rude "only on special occasions" ? How immature Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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