StaciLee Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 My husband and I have only been married for five months and I'm already dying to get out. We dated for a year before getting married and in that time he broke up with me twice. First time he broke up with me was because he said he didn't love me and the second time was because he said I didn't make him happy. About six weeks after the second breakup he comes running back to me saying he misses me and would kill himself if I didn't get back with him. In our time broken up I had lost a friend to suicide and so I was still reeling from that. And so I agreed to get back together and in a month we were married even though I had no feelings for him. About a week into our marriage I find out he'd been unfaithful the whole time we'd been dating. He'd emotionally been cheating and sexting other girls he met online. I had brought up these girls throughout our relationship and he said I had to trust him and they were just friends. Should of trusted my gut. I wanted to leave when I found all that out but decided to stick it out. I'm still hurt from all that and he doesn't see what he did wrong. Things have been very rocky since. Fast forward and three days ago we go to a party at our friends house. My husband was drunk and ended up calling me a wh*re in front of all our friends. Needless to say the room went quiet but I didn't say anything. He ended up going to bed shortly after and I stayed up getting drunk (so drunk I blacked out) and one of the guys at the party started making moves on me and feeling me up. I have no memory of any of this and one of our friends stepped in and took control of the situation. Fast forward and I pass out and I get taken into the bathtub and stripped naked (by a female friend) and she has me take a cold shower. I was lifeless and the moments I do remember is not being able to move my body before passing back out again. My husband was apparently woken up to help out and after a while I was put to bed. The next day I'm driving us home and he comments on how much it turned him on that I was unconscious laying in the bathtub naked. So much so he said he got a boner looking at me being limp in the bathtub and how he wished he could of had sex with me and could of done whatever he wanted and I would never would of known. Automatically I had warning bells going off in my head. Fast forward to today and we're headed to breakfast with our friends and I think of something funny in the car and accidentally laugh out loud. He asked what was funny and knowing what I was laughing at wouldn't be funny to him I responded with "nothing". He then responded dead serious that when I do that to him (say nothing when he asks me a question) that it makes him want to strangle me. I was very disturbed and he noticed and tried to play it off. While at breakfast we found out how frisky the guy had gotten with me at the party and after we left breakfast my husband went off on me for allowing it. I'll admit I shouldn't of had as much as I had to drink and wouldn't of had that much if knew I was going to black out. But it happened and I am not at fault for having a guy take advantage of my unaware self and according to others I didn't act on anything he did. My husband apologized after a while for saying that and understood I was blacked out. I am very concerned with how his behavior is escalating and I'm trying to think of the best way out. I would greatly appreciate anyone's comments on this situation. Am I overreacting? Should I stick it out again? As a side note. I'm 21 and he's 26. So we're still young. Partying and drinking is not our lifestyle at all. Which is probably why I hit the bottle so hard the other night. With all that I have said though, my husband does try hard to make me happy. He provides for me and I know he would be absolutely broken if I left. I'm totally torn on what to do. I don't want to hurt him but I can't live like this anymore. The only way I could get away from him would have to be next summer when my job contract is up and I could join the military and get out and file for divorce when I'm separated from him. I would have more control over the situation if we are apart otherwise I feel I'll cave into staying with him. He constantly talks about how he doesn't have any good friends and he doesn't talk to his family and that he's a failure. I feel like me leaving him would just enforce those sucidal thoughts. Alright, so thoughts?
dias Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 So many red flags that i can't count. He is a crazy sociopath probably . Disrespectful can't describe him but i don't think there is a word for him. He humiliated you actually . Are you staying because you are financially broken? I can't explain it otherwise. Being unfaithful is the least problem here. Take your suitcase and leave .
ThatwasThen Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Instead of joining the military next summer, why not get therapy right now and figure out why you would let a man you don't even love, manipulate you to the point that you marry him knowing he's not the right man for you. You must learn to hone your personal boundaries so that you have the confidence to leave men you do not love and the strength to have men who sexually molest you, when you are black-out drunk, charged with sexual assault. After you have the emotional strength to do those things (with the help of a good therapist proficient in codependency and teaching the importance of personal boundaries) then leave him and join the military if that is what you want to do. Don't stick around, do nothing in self-improvement and then think you'll be able to last in the military. You have to be disciplined in boundaries and in being able to sustain emotional self-preservation if you're going survive that life. Start the work on yourself that will help you to be able to leave without guilt instead of escaping and continuing on with weak boundaries in general. You will likely end up in another manipulative, unloving relationship if you don't do that work. Good luck.
StaciLee Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 ThatwasThen I totally agree. As far as my financial situation when we married I moved and had to switch jobs so I'd barely be making ends meet if I leave him now. I'm trying to save up money. What makes this situation really difficult is that everyone see him as the perfect guy and husband. So him calling me a wh*re in front of everyone was a shock to a lot of people. He might say that stuff when I'm not around but I doubt it. It's going to be so hard explaining this situation to my family.
agent1607307371 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I know he would be absolutely broken if I left. And you will be broken if you stay. Never sacrifice yourself. From what you've posted, I'm not surprised he lacks friends and his family aren't close with him. There's so many red flags it's unbelievable. You need to get out now.
ThatwasThen Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 ThatwasThen I totally agree. As far as my financial situation when we married I moved and had to switch jobs so I'd barely be making ends meet if I leave him now. I'm trying to save up money. What makes this situation really difficult is that everyone see him as the perfect guy and husband. So him calling me a wh*re in front of everyone was a shock to a lot of people. He might say that stuff when I'm not around but I doubt it. It's going to be so hard explaining this situation to my family. I think you would do well to call your mother/father and tell them what you've told us. I'm sure that they would rather you move out now and get the therapy you need to hep you with your own self worth then stay there with him and lose whatever is left of yourself to him. In dire situations, we all do what we have to do to survive... Motivate your survival instinct and do what you need to do.
Hollyj Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 He's a cheat, liar and emotional abuser! You know that these are problems that cannot be fixed. Stop blaming yourself, and stop making excuses for him. You should have left, long ago!!!!
LC8328 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I don't quite get why you married him if you didn't have feelings for him, but the most important thing to address is how he got turned on when he saw you limp, almost lifeless. This is a very serious and scary thing. Please get out!
Snny Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 He threatened suicide if you wouldn't go back to him. He got a hard on when he saw you unconcious (and why did your friend do that when everyone in their mother knows cold showers do not stop intoxication? That is so Creepy and... Wrong). He admitted to the desire of raping you. He threatened to strangle you. He accused YOU of cheating with another man. And yet you are still with this maniac. He is so unstable. He may potentially kill you if you don't get out now. Both ya'll need professional help. For real. And don't join the military until you do or you aren't fit to serve.
melancholy123 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 What everyone else said. Also, you need to quit drinking!
toby17 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 What your husband said about wanting to sleep with you when you're unconscious and wanting to strangle you sound bad when taken out of context but I wasn't that disturbed when I read your account. As to the unconscious thing - he could have just been thinking aloud inappropriately. As to the strangling - he could have meant that euphemistically. I think you're the best judge about whether to be concerned based on his tone. Also, if I found out some guy felt you up while you're were drunk, I'd be pissed off too. Plus it was your fault you got so wasted and it was a useless and rather interesting way to react to your husband calling you a slag. My husband and I have only been married for five months and I'm already dying to get out. Am I overreacting? Should I stick it out again? Who cares if you're overacting?! You just said above that you're dying to get out. This is a no brainer - leave. As a side note. I'm 21 and he's 26. So we're still young. Partying and drinking is not our lifestyle at all. Which is probably why I hit the bottle so hard the other night. With all that I have said though, my husband does try hard to make me happy. He provides for me and I know he would be absolutely broken if I left. I'm totally torn on what to do. I don't want to hurt him but I can't live like this anymore. He'll survive. Ultimately, you've got to do what's best for you. The only way I could get away from him would have to be next summer when my job contract is up and I could join the military and get out and file for divorce when I'm separated from him. God you're passive. The alternative is you could move out and file for divorce now. He constantly talks about how he doesn't have any good friends and he doesn't talk to his family and that he's a failure Not your problem. I feel like me leaving him would just enforce those sucidal thoughts. This is emotional blackmail. You might get a copy of Susan Forward's book on Emotional Blackmail - I think you could use it.
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