jayceeanne Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I was dating my bf for 3 months right after he got out of a long term relationship. Evrything was amazing until one day he told me he needed time to himself to figure things out. We didn't speak for a month until i heard from him one day. He ended up coming over and told me he realized that he wanted to be with me. So of coarse me being so blinded by this guy gave it another chance. He told me during that month apart he was in contact with his ex. They had talked about things and realized they made the right decision by not being together. Things were once again great between us. I should have realized all the red flags, eg taking about his ex, he had so much anger towards her. Another 3 months together and i noticed him starting to be distant. He ended up doing the exact same thing to me again, told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed time for himself. I have a gut instinct that he's talking to her again and i wish he would have just told me the truth. Thing is i can't stop thinking about him. I feel so rejected. I find myself always trying to find out if they are back together, even though i know that's wasted energy. Please help! !!! I'm making myself sick by thinking about it.
greta96 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You know that saying, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". It's true. You were a rebound, and he treated you as such. He used you to ease his own pain from his break up, which is an extremely selfish thing to do to someone. However, you helped him do so, by not heeding the red flags and giving him an undeserved second chance. When someone breaks up with you because they "are not ready for a relationship", you have to expect they have someone else on their minds they want to try things with, and if they come back to you after a while after they "realized they made a mistake", you take it as a tell tale sign that whatever they had in mind with that other person didn't work out. The biggest mistake you can make is take them back, just because they were not successful in being with the other person. When you took him back, you automatically gave him the green signal to use you as a fallback girl. As soon as you hear a guy utter the words "I'm not ready for a relationship", you bail. No second chances, no ifs or buts. If they choose to let go of you, it's forever. You need to show them that you value yourself a lot, then maybe they'll value you too. This man is still in love with his ex, and if she wanted him back, he'd turn his back on you before you realized what happened. You can do better than be #2...actually you should never settle for being the fallback girl.
Starseed98 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Same thing happened to me, but I am much stronger and my foresight is more clearer. All you can do is no contact with him, and sort yourself out. I have been there and time and no contact is really the only thing that you can do to get over this. He is confused, and will always be in that state of mind as long as he is playing ping pong with both you and his ex. Not good. Exercise, eat, go out with friends, scream or shout, do whatever you need to so that those emotions can leave within you. Be strong, and don't let him back in.
ParisPaulette Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Here's the bottom line. You got yourself involved with a guy who is not emotionally healthy enough to simply take the time to properly grieve the end of a relationship, heal and recover AND THEN move on to a new relationship after a period of being single and figuring out what he wants and why the last relationship didn't work. That's it, that's the entirety of your problems. You are expecting him to turn into that person magically when someone who leapfrogs from one relationship to the other and then back and forth is showing clearly they have issues, always had issues, and are doing nothing to fix or address those issues where it comes to relationships. (And probably other areas of life too since the two kind of go hand in hand). Stop being this guy's emotional tampon/finger in the dam of his own emotional issues. He is not and possibly never will be ready for anything sane so long as he feels he has to grab one girl to plug whatever holes in his life he perceives are there and needs a distraction to keep himself from addressing. And you get yourself emotionally healthy enough that you do not accept such people in your life. It doesn't matter if he goes back to his ex or to you or on to five other people, all of which he will do since he's all over the map and very obviously using sex/women/relationships to escape something. You need to unplug permanently and adopt the attitude this one would only EVER work if he'd done a year's therapy at least. Come on, seriously. People do not just leap out of one relationship into another and be "all fine and good" and you are only fooling yourself if you think that's the case. It's not about you. You could be Jessica Rabbit, Angelina Jolie and Mother Theresa all rolled into one big perfect package of a woman and still it will not make this guy now be a committed, loving, SANE individual. Because it's not about the women involved, he is the one with the serious issues. Stop being a part of the drama, block him and go NC, heal and learn your lessons or you will continue to take up with emotionally unhealthy men then wonder why you're getting hurt.
Jeffbobo Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Life lesson #1. Any guy coming out of an LTR who is hurt and wounded will be ripped open emotionally. In effect, he'll be a walking mangina. Things are always going to be amazing with guys like this and the show that he's putting on is not for you, it's selfishly for him. He will use you to boost his ego and give himself the emotional fortitude to heal, lick his wounds and when he feels he's ready, potentially give his ex another go. He needs to process the end of his relationship with his ex in the same way as the death of a loved one. She is never coming back and once he realizes this, he can begin to grieve and heal properly *without* using you. If you really like this guy, go no contact with him and chek back in a couple years. At that point, if you were meant to be together, it will work out.
Hollyj Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Two big mistakes: Getting involved with someone directly out of a relationship Taking him back after he had ended your rebound relationship The writing was on the wall. He also held much anger and was in communication with her. Next time, heed the red flags!
HeartGoesOn Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Unfortunately, given the circumstances, you were a temporary distraction. I would learn the lesson, and not take a roll of the dice with someone fresh out of a relationship. I agree with everyone else here.
catfeeder Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Please help! !!! I'm making myself sick by thinking about it. Why choose to do that, when you can opt instead to start making better decisions NOW? Consider how valuable this experience can be to your future. We all take the long road and the hard way sometimes to teach ourselves WHY stepping through certain doors marked 'No' won't ever happen again. When we touch the flame we were told not touch, it's the burn rather than the advice that will prevent us from making the same mistake going forward. Before this, you knew that messing with anybody fresh out of a breakup is a bad idea. Now you REALLY know it, but more than that, you also know that such people don't own trustworthy judgment, no matter how sincere they may believe themselves to be. Plenty of people walk away from long time lovers and insist that they're fine and they're better off and they're ready for a relationship. Now you're crystal clear that you'll never allow such a person to replace your best judgment with their faulty stuff again. It may have taken you twice to learn it, but you can either consider this your tuition or a tragedy. That's a decision. Choose wisely this time.
Dottieflanogon Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 sorry you are going through this.Unfortunately, it's pretty clear he was not over his ex when he started up with you. He didn't allow himself to heal properly, and you ended up being his rebound. He moved on to you quickly because he didn't want to deal with the pain of his break-up, and you ended up getting hurt in the process. Let him go.You'll find someone more available who's ready for a commitment, and has no bagage in the way.
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