CritterBug Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I've been dating this young lady for about 10 months now. In that time we fallen in love, made love, and got engaged. That was just by the end of the 3rd month. Far to fast, I know but I was caught up in the "hunny moon phase". Over the next 6 months we made more love (alot), broke the engagement, got engaged again, broke it off... again, and I think the engagement was on and off at least one more time after that. I am paraphrasing greatly of course. There is a lot more nonsense, bad choices, and even 2 love triangles (the 2nd one having no definit 3rd point). So, where the hell are we now, you may ask? I love her greatly, but it is different then before. I feel the same as I ever did, but one morning I woke up and realized that I could break up with her while eating my morning waffles and not feel like I've lost much of anything. She, on the other hand still loves me unconditionally. I do truly love her, but felt we needed a change. So I told her my feelings and beat around the bush of an open relationship. She did not like that idea, and after reflection, neither did I. I'm not the kind of man to do something like that, and I was very disappointed in myself. A friend gave me a reality check and I told my lady friend that we should break up, she liked that even less. Many barely audible tears were shead over the poor reception of our cell phones by both of us as we desperately tried to cling to the last threads of our fraying relationship. We both put so so much into it: me helping her with trust issues and depression, and her just being so wonderful. All the time and money and love we gave so willingly to each other was about to be waisted... and the moment the call dropped and I couldn't hear her crying... I stopped caring. She called back instantly. We decided to hold on to what we had for as long as we could, rather then just end it right then. Over the days we came to a sort of understanding: I love her and she loves me. Even if we break up, we will always love each other in one way or another. We will be friends and maybe get back together some day. So it seems our plan is to ignore the problems we have (me not liking her family, our uncompatible lifestyles, only seeing each other once every few weeks if we are lucky, and so on) and simply let our love flicker out. Here's where you (the reader) come in. I'm just looking for honest input. Your opinions, suggestions, constructive criticism, anything. Our relationship is doomed, it's only a matter of time. I want to know how I can make the woman I love happy while taking away the love she claims to value most in the world.
Movingforward3 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You can't. Break ups hurt because they are an end. You are simply prolonging the pain for her. But, you might want to be sure about this decision to throw that love away. You don't seem to be that convinced.
Andrina Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You don't love her if you could break up with her and wouldn't feel like you lost much. You're confusing love with caring. And no, you two won't love each other forever. Over time, you will be a pleasant memory to each other, and no more. Breaking up is never pleasant, but for the good of both of you, you will have to do just that and break all contact. She deserves someone who is crazy about her, and that's not you. Keeping in contact will prevent closure. People usually survive many breakups during their lives. When they meet the right one, it's a real revelation of, "Oh, so this is what love really feels like."
siegfri333 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 The best way to breakup, is doing it as soon as possible, so as not to regret the time lost for not doing it earlier.
dave_1966 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I can guarantee you that after talking to her like this that if you have second thoughts over the next few months, you will be blocked by every conceivable means of communication with her. Once the casual disdain dawns on her, you'll be toast in her mind. So, who's the new love interest that you fail to mention here, because I bet there is one?
Liefde Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Critterbug it is time you ask yourself why put off with what you already know. You have a lovely way of writing for me, maybe put your feelings and thoughts on paper and send it to her or give it to her yourself so she can know how you feel and think over the relationship. If both of you are not committed why go on, it only will prolong the pain and make it even harder to stop what you are trying to do "I don't love you anymore", don't keep giving her false hope. She is clinging to the straws of hope you are giving by caring, seeing it as love.
Starseed98 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 A delicate situation, and one that cannot be resolved by any of us here. This is all on you but we can give you the advice you need to think more clearly and rationally. I feel your relationship took off too fast, and you acknowledged this. Both of you didn't take the time to truly get to know one another and the focus was just living through the honeymoon phase. Everything is great during this phase, then the reality sets in. You begin to find out the imperfections, the flaws and faults and are very comfortable around each other to do and say things that you didn't during the first three months. Everyone here is right, by prolonging this, you will be creating more pain for her down the road. When you say " I want to know how I can make the woman I love happy while taking away the love she claims to value most in the world, it tells me that you have doubt that she loves you, and when there's doubt, there is no trust. There is no way to break it to her gently, but what you tell us here would seemingly suffice. Be open with her and truthful. It isn't love if you can wake up tomorrow morning and feel as if you haven't lost much of anything. I think you have just gotten used to the idea of each other. It's difficult to differentiate between that and what may seem like love.
SooSad33 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 "I've been dating this young lady for about 10 months now. In that time we fallen in love, made love, and got engaged. That was just by the end of the 3rd month. Far to fast, I know but I was caught up in the "hunny moon phase". Over the next 6 months we made more love (alot), broke the engagement, got engaged again, broke it off... again, and I think the engagement was on and off at least one more time after that. I am paraphrasing greatly of course. There is a lot more nonsense, bad choices, and even 2 love triangles" - I think you best look at this as an Unhealthy relationship you two have had. Things have been going downhill since the hunnymoon phase ended. Reality has now set in and things aren't working out. Time to accept this and work at moving on. As mentioned, dont prolong this misery. Admit it to her and work on accepting & healing.
journeynow Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You can't make her happy, it's not your job. You can care deeply for someone, even love someone, and not be compatible, and it sounds like you two are not compatible. It doesn't make either of you wrong or the bad guy. You tried and learned along the way, the time and experience is not wasted because you've both learned about yourself and grown from the experience. The best thing to do at this phase, and I'm sure you've heard it before, it to go No Contact, let each of your process the break up, reflect, learn, and heal.
betterfly Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Funny, I'm in a very similar situation, only I am that "young lady" with all the problems, depression, financial difficulties. My bf broke up with me, and I can tell you - it did hurt, A LOT. BUT!! I am also starting to see the ways in which we were not compatible. Yes, I was paranoid and acted crazy, but he didn't care enough to sit down with me and go over the issues that bothered me. There were other problems too, small and big. The lack of trust. Does that sound familiar? If so, then yes, sooner you break it the better. Because longer you hold on to this relationship, longer she has hope and harder it will be for her to re-invent herself, without you. I mean, if there is still some hope for you two, if you think that the problems might be temporary (it doesn't sound like it), then be honest with her, maybe take some time apart.. and then see what happens… If you're sure that the relationship is doomed and you have different life goals, then sit her down and have that conversation.
jessie89 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Your foot is clearly out the door and this relationship seems to be one sided. Let her go. There's no easy way about it but you're hurting her even more by staying with her when your heart isn't completely in it.
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