Lost220 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Being insecure and suffering from depression and anxiety makes me feel that I pushed my ex away. Yes, he had issues too with communication and getting close to me but could that be a result of me being insecure? I miss him so much and I feel horrible thinking that's it's mostly cuz of me. I was trying really hard but maybe not hard enough. I remember him saying that I'm looking for problems where none exist. Even tho we clearly had some issues but now I'm thinking it's cuz I become insecure I feel so horrible I lost such a great guy over my stupid issues.
Ms Darcy Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Long story short this is are second time getting back together. He broke up with me and we were trying again. We were only broken up for about a little over a month. The second time around, i dont think he was really trying that hard. He wasn't really communicating with me and we argued a lot and had a lot of misunderstandings. 😕 Anyways, we decided to exchange things we had at each others houses and that was really hard cuz he was really nice about it. He told me he was sorry even tho it probably doesn't mean anything now as he hugged me I couldn't help but sob into his arms. That's probably the last time I'll ever see or here from him. This is what you said in a previous thread. It sounds like it wasn't anyone's fault. It just wasn't working. Are you seeing a therapist?
Movingforward3 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Depression and anxiety are difficult to deal with in relationships. You need to work on these things to help you with your next relationship. I wish you the best.
Liefde Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Many relationships just don't work, we try and find there are things with which we are not happy or compatible with and move on. I would say you can file this one under this, we all have flaws and for a relationship to work both parties need to want to work through these flaws to make it work. If both can't see there way though this it won't work. You can't only blame yourself for it not working out a relationship is not a one way street. Both need to work on it and understand each other.
Lost220 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Yea, I just been reading a lot about breakups, insecurities ect. Most things I read I can sometimes relate to. Also, insecurities can fulfill a negative future just from all the worries and being insecure. Its like looking for problems where there is none and causes you to lose a great guy I remember my ex even telling me a few times that I look for problems where there isn't any. We did have some issues, but maybe I was doing this. I can't stop thinking about him. I miss him so much
Liefde Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Hugs! It is always hard, but sometimes it just don't work. A person must love you for who you are. All have insecurities don't beat yourself up about it or over think things to much. Sometimes it is just good to follow your gut feelings. There is someone for all of us. You will find him! Big hugs!
Lost220 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Sometimes I feel I only want him and I'll never meet anyone as I am a homebody and an introvert. I hardly every get out and do things. I met my ex on a dating site. I don't want or need a relationship right now or ever again. I have too many things to work on and lost the only person I want. He had a lot of qualities and personality traits I liked. I can't stand missing him and all tthese painful thoughts. I'm more depressed than usual and I don't want to do much of anything. I usually just lay in my bed and cry. I also been reading a lot and trying to work on myself little by little. I hope soon I'll gain more progress, not miss him or hurt.
Seymore Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 A person must love you for who you are. All have insecurities don't beat yourself up about it or over think things to much. While I agree with the rest of your post (and in general, the above statement), this can be a dangerous mindset. Sure, everyone has insecurities - but if they are to the point where they damage your relationship...that's something you need to recognize and improve upon. Not necessarily you, OP, but maybe take this time to see what you can improve upon. Some people use the saying "if they really love me, they'll accept me for who I am" to excuse their bad behavior/attitude. I had an ex tell me that a long time ago. If I really loved her, I'd accept her for the (abusive) person she was. No. Just no. My point is, no - I don't believe someone MUST love you for who you are. If you have issues that are detrimental to a relationship, that person can still love you, but has every right to leave you. Again, not necessarily talking about you, Lost220 - but see where you went wrong, and be honest. It does take two, and I doubt you're entirely to blame. It's good that you're reading about this stuff! I hope you find some answers.
Lost220 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Right. He also had his own issues as well. But I can't help feeling like it's mostly my fault. I wasn't always insecure in the realtionship, I just eventually became that way and I worried a lot. Not saying that my insecurities were controlling the relationship but having them is unhealthy. I wasn't constinatly asking for reassurance or anything like that. I guess it's hard to explain. I think he had some small insecurities too but we're different and he kept them to himself. Its like he couldn't or didn't want to become close to me and that hurts. I never expected him to "fix" the things that I need to work on myself cuz only I can do that. I just wanted his support or maybe Input while I work on things and I would also like to do the same for him. I just don't know anymore. I just feel badly and sad for our relationship ended and I'm really hurt. I miss him. But it's a waste of my time and energy trying to figure him out. I'm just hoping it wasn't cuz of certain issues. He already gave me a second chance and bailed on me again without trying that hard. I'm trying to get thru this and it Sucks. I just don't know
blabla Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 This is like I´m reading what I´ve been going through, more or less. I´ve been also wondering if I made my last relationship go down in flames, by some of my faults - overthinking, overanalyzing, maybe also being insecure, being very impatient for things to change. I was the one that broke up, twice even, but after I was wondering if I made a mistake. For a few weeks I was even 100% sure that I did, and was determined to reconcile somehow. But after a few more weeks (all the time with NC) I realised how many faults he had, and how emotionally unavailavable he is. Even though he claimed that he cared so much and even discusses some kind of future together. Now I know what are all of my faults, that surely affected our relationship, and how I have to work on them, not just because of him and our break up, but also because of myself and my potentional future SO. I´m also thinking how I´m never ever going to meet someone, especially someone like him, because we were like made for each other. We were 90% compatible, but those 10% is the core of a healthy realtionship, and that was disastrous. Your chances to meet someone new (not now, but after some time, when you know and when you accept that it is over, and past is in past) are not high if you don´t go out. If you can, if you have friends or family, try to, make yourself. Getting your mind off of your situation will make the healing process quicken. I know it helped me a great deal! If you don´t have friends, then wait for some time to pass before putting yourself out there, at least online. And try and invent some activites for yourself, whatever they are - jogging, language classes, volounteering, whatever. It is corny, but only with time can you get better. And going to talk to a psychoterapist would help you a great deal, I´m sure.
Lost220 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 Yes, I am see in a therapist and that will also take a lot of time and work. I just wish I didn't miss him and I wasn't jealous of his future relationships. Its been about 6 weeks and no contact as well nor do I plan to. It just hurts he doesn't want me in his life. I sometimes think if we both wanted to be with each other and both equally work hard it could have worked but maybe not. I'm sick of crying over him and the Constant thoughts that haunt me.
Lost220 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I sometimes wish I could talk to him about it even though it doesn't matter n Idk why. I just feel really bad I suppose. Or I wish I would have while we were together. I just need to know it wasn't all me even tho a big part of it is. Sorry this is all I do is read things, think, and cry and I hate these feelings I think a lot of things he has said at some point, he was right about like how I lack confidence in myself don't trust my own decisions and how I should get out of my comfort zone I just feel so horrible he probably has this image of me. Its not how I want to be remembered. I have no purpose nothing I want to do or look forward too it's hell
Lost220 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I don't plan on breaking no contact at all. I just wish he knew I understand somethings now and I feel badly about them. He really hurt me I'm so lost will this ever end
Ms Darcy Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 My point is, no - I don't believe someone MUST love you for who you are. If you have issues that are detrimental to a relationship, that person can still love you, but has every right to leave you. Again, not necessarily talking about you, Lost220 - but see where you went wrong, and be honest. It does take two, and I doubt you're entirely to blame. It's good that you're reading about this stuff! I hope you find some answers. This is absolutely right. A lot of people use the "s/he should love me for who I am" to continue to be incredibly unhealthy and not take the time to grow and become healthier beings.
Ms Darcy Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Yes, I am see in a therapist and that will also take a lot of time and work. I just wish I didn't miss him and I wasn't jealous of his future relationships. Its been about 6 weeks and no contact as well nor do I plan to. It just hurts he doesn't want me in his life. I sometimes think if we both wanted to be with each other and both equally work hard it could have worked but maybe not. I'm sick of crying over him and the Constant thoughts that haunt me. So what's happening with the therapy?
Lost220 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I go to therapy and talk about things and try to work on myself slowly. I set goals and try to do other things and I'm trying out meditation and trying to change my thinking patterns. I not doing that well this week. I get stuck in my thinking and missing him and I've been more depressed and anxious. I'm trying to motivate myself to get into yoga again or play a video game or get out and do something but I can't or just don't want to which is my own fault. Meditation is hard I need to continue to practice that and try it more often. I really miss him. I sometimes wish he'd give me another chance down the road. I feel my stupid issues caused him to leave and I feel horrible about it. I could have at least saved himbreak and myself some discomfort or hurt by waiting to get back together or suggesting a break. Either way break ups hurt. I'm not sure if he's hurting as much as I am. I assume he's not. He's a really good person and I took him for granted and pushed him away.
Lost220 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 The sad thing is I am such a introvert and a homebody and I never get out and do things. I have a couple of really good friends and that's it. Its all I have. I do not want to date anytime soon or ever again but if I did, the only way would be online dating unless I start going to places by myself which is alright but it can be lonely or boring depending on what it is. So my chances on meeting someone or new friends are very slim. I feel so worthless
Lost220 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I think I'm starting to become confused on what his issues we're which is really bothering me. I feel like I can only focus on my insecurities and it's mostly my fault. For example I felt that we/he didn't communicate that well and when I tried talking to him about it he got defensive and we just argue. But maybe it was cuz I'm insecure and we didn't really have a issue cuz it was me thinking we did? There was a time he asked me how we can resolve things and neither one of us had any solutions. I think I just mentioned we need to communicate better. I'm sure I could learn how to communicate better as well. Now everything I'm trying to remember doesn't even matter and I can't think of things we needed to work on. But at the time neither one of us new how. We just argued a lot. It just seemed like he wasn't really trying that hard. Especially the second time around.
Ms Darcy Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 The sad thing is I am such a introvert and a homebody and I never get out and do things. I have a couple of really good friends and that's it. Its all I have. I do not want to date anytime soon or ever again but if I did, the only way would be online dating unless I start going to places by myself which is alright but it can be lonely or boring depending on what it is. So my chances on meeting someone or new friends are very slim. I feel so worthless I don't think this negative thinking is the way to work on your issues. If you believe you drove him away, why not start thinking about ways you can improve yourself over time. Not necessarily for a relationship. What you tell yourself is what you believe of yourself.
blabla Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 You´re overthinking, you have to try to get outside of your head. It is good to think after the break up, what went wrong and try to see objectively how the both of you were acting. But only so you could better yourself in the future. What is done is done, if you think you do have issues with confidence and are overly pessimistic, try to work on that, especially with your therapist. But for yourself! You would have to make yourself do something out of your comfort zone, even if it´s just taking a long walk or a hike. There are many things that could clear your head and make you feel much better, and exercise is one of the best. I´m talking from experience. It raises you serotonin levels, and you naturaly feel much better. Start eating clean, to cook good, healthy meals. Start learning something new, something you always wanted to. Watch good movies and listen to good music. Sourround yourself with good, quality content, and you will feel yourself flourishing with time.
h0pelessl0ver Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 It's not you, it just didnt work out. Not everyone is compatible. We can be with some people and they'll naturally just bring out the bad out of us. We can be with some people and feel like the most secure people. The other person has a contributing factor. You cannot put all the blame on yourself! It's a relationship! Meaning 2 people not 1!
Miffycat14 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I found that my ex was actually the cause of my anxiety. Not knowing where I stood all the time was horrendous, all I did was worry and obsess!
Lost220 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 I found that my ex was actually the cause of my anxiety. Not knowing where I stood all the time was horrendous, all I did was worry and obsess! Yea, I can relate and agree to this. I was trying to do the best I could to try and make things work. I realized I didn't really know how and how to tell him how I felt and when I tried, we just argue. So maybe I could have explained it better, or said it in a different way. We just constinatly misunderstood each other. I also had to walk on egg shells cuz I didn't know what I could or couldn't say to him and it made me more insecure and anxious. Not saying it's his fault or mine, maybe it wasnt the right time for either of us as I have my issues to work on and he does as well. When 2 people both need to work on things within themselves at the same time it usually won't work. But I have learned from him and recognised things I need to work on and change. Hopefully he learned some things he needs to work on himself as well. With that being said I did get really lost in my own head and thoughts it made my healing process get stuck. As long as I keep dwelling and thinking things that don't even matter I'm going to continue to feel bad and sad unless I move forward and make changes. Not saying I haven't been trying, but it is hard. I am slightly insecure as relationships go on but not to a point where it's to destructive. But it is something I will work on Thank you all for your replies I really appreciate it
Lost220 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 I just need to realize that it's not really anyone's fault we are just on different paths in our life that we need to work on and therefore not compatible. Maybe it was the wrong time maybe not. I'm trying to move on and forgive him and myself as well as work on my issues and not over think things I cannot change or don't even matter anymore
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