I cannot stop the overwhelming anxiety, how can I solve my conflicting feelings?

[ms97]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for only about three months, but we have been friends for five years. So naturally we have always been close, and I always had an attraction to him, but the feelings come and go as the years went on. This past summer we started dating, but he lives in another country, so I returned home to finish off my last year of schooling. I plan on going to university over where he lives (this was a decision I had made before I met him) so we would be seeing each other much more often. Lately I have been under an incredible amount of pressure from school and volunteering, but something is stressing me out even more. My relationship feels like a burden; it feels just like another tick box I struggle to mark every day. I do not feel the same way as I did before with my boyfriend, it feels more like the friendship we've always had, it doesn't feel like much has changed. This makes me think that I am not ready to be in a remotely serious relationship, because I do not feel like I can give what is necessary in a relationship right now. However, I do care about him, he is someone that I would like to be around for years to come, but I don't feel like I am ready right now. I do not think that I considered this enough before making the decision to start dating, and I feel horrible because I know that he cares a lot for me.

 

And of course, someone else has to complicate things. I had this crush on a guy last year: he is spontaneous and fun-loving, yet compassionate and smart. We never really got to know each other, but I always fancied him. However this year he convinced me to go to the dance at school when we were decorating for the dance. I ended up going and even"danced" with him- boogied about really- and then him, me, and the cleanup crew all went to go get ice cream. Basically it was the best night of my life, and I cannot stop thinking about the excitement on his face when he saw me. We haven't spoken much since then, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it is making me even more stressed.

 

I haven't been able to sleep nor eat because I do not know what I should do. I do not want to throw my current relationship away on the chance of something coming from the other guy- and this isn't the main issue- but I also don't feel entirely happy the way I am with this relationship. I don't want to keep feeling like I am locked into this for the foreseeable future, because he is a steady-going guy and I know that he wants this to be a long-term thing. I want to live a little more before I commit, I had an emotionally abusive relationship only a year ago and it has affected me more than I could have thought. Like I said before, I do not think that I am capable right now of providing the communication needed in a relationship because I am so busy that I barely have time to take a break. I did last night and Skype'd my boyfriend, but I had a breakdown in the shower afterwards because I knew that I had so much left to do before the next day and I felt so conflicted with my feelings.

 

I think I know what I want to do in my heart, but I just can't seem to convince myself. Any thoughts would be extremely appreciated....

[Bunney]

It sounds like you are wasting both you and your boyfriend's time - let him be with someone who gives him 100% love and commitment, and as for you, definitely take some 'time off' relationships as it sounds like you have way too much else going on in your life. Dont force yourself to be in a relationship just for the sake of it.

 

It's a good thing you realize this and I think over time you will feel ready to take the step and break this off. It is not fair to either of you to drag this even further.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to end things. It's only three months in, you have no time, you are not able to handle a long distance relationship. And you are eyeing another guy, which is not fair to your boyfriend or you or the other guy.

 

Do the right thing and stop slamming your hand in the door over and over, because you have some idea it's the "right" thing to do even though it hurts you. It will hurt you and your BF more if you cheat.

 

Your anxiety is simply a clear warning sign that the relationship is NOT a good fit and you are not able to handle the distance. And there is nothing wrong with that or you at all. Time to end it and move on, at three months he will get over it and so will you. And it will hurt temporarily, but if you're having breakdowns in showers after talking to the person who should make you happiest something is clearly wrong.

 

Listen to yourself, you know what to do. Stop fighting it.

[SooSad33]

"I ended up going and even"danced" with him- boogied about really- and then him, me, and the cleanup crew all went to go get ice cream. Basically it was the best night of my life, and I cannot stop thinking about the excitement on his face when he saw me."

 

I thought you can't 'give' right now??

>> "This makes me think that I am not ready to be in a remotely serious relationship, because I do not feel like I can give what is necessary in a relationship right now. "

 

I think it's just too much effort you feel yo have to give to someone too far away,,, AND..

 

>>"I do not feel the same way as I did before with my boyfriend, it feels more like the friendship we've always had"

- I think you should have stayed 'friends'.

 

Time for YOU to be honest with your Bf and yourself. You NEED down time and have NO bf for a while to work on yourself and get yourself back to good again.

Sounds like you're still not over & healed from your last broken relationship?

Sometimes we need time! And NOT to jump from relationship to relationship. That does you NO good at all.

It can end up taking a tol on you and you will have nothing more to 'give'.

 

So take a break n date no one for a few months 6+. Get your peace of mind back.

[SoulTaker]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for only about three months, but we have been friends for five years.

 

And of course, someone else has to complicate things. I had this crush on a guy last year: he is spontaneous and fun-loving, yet compassionate and smart. We never really got to know each other, but I always fancied him. However this year he convinced me to go to the dance at school when we were decorating for the dance. I ended up going and even"danced" with him- boogied about really- and then him, me, and the cleanup crew all went to go get ice cream. Basically it was the best night of my life, and I cannot stop thinking about the excitement on his face when he saw me. We haven't spoken much since then, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it is making me even more stressed.

 

I haven't been able to sleep nor eat because I do not know what I should do. I do not want to throw my current relationship away on the chance of something coming from the other guy- and this isn't the main issue- but I also don't feel entirely happy the way I am with this relationship.

 

Your actions with the other guy showed that you were never really in a true relationship, just a pseudo relationship. You made a mistake in becoming "exclusive" at a stage of your life when you're not ready for it (that's life). Don't make things worse by making another mistake in staying in this relationship (that has no legs to stand on).

 

Do the mature thing and tell your bf that you're not ready for a relationship, and that you need a break from everything. Don't mention the other man, and don't let the bf convince you to fall back to the friendship (to stay close to you). You'll probably need to put the friendship on hold, else you'll still feel that you're in the relationship (the problem that comes with dating a friend).

[ms97]

Thank you for your advice, I am going to be taking a good long look into myself and your words have really helped me start that journey. Thank you.

[Ms Darcy]

I'd agree with everyone else. I would just add if you are truly all over the place right now, avoiding dating and focusing on getting ahold of your stress will make YOU feel better.

[Sportster2005]

Deep down I think you know how this going to end. It's going to get worse before it gets better. But you are doing harm to yourself and boyfriend by delaying. The anxiety will stop and the pain will begin. But after that there will be relief and calmness.