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My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me almost three weeks ago. He was ignoring me and didn't want to talk about anything, just made it very clear that it was indeed over and that he was moving out. Of course, I've been crushed. I admit, it was my decisions that ultimately ended the relationship but of course it's never entirely one person's fault.

Anyway, I've been doing my best to try to stay distracted and not call or text him (hasn't gone all that well, honestly). Somehow, we got onto the subject of how we were both super horny. The conversation went on and he came over yesterday on his lunch break even though I told him not to. It was hard to resist when I saw him, I told him repeatedly that it wasn't going to make it any easier for me to move on if we slept together but we ended up doing it anyway and naturally, it was amazing.

He went back to work, and for some reason my texts weren't coming in so I restarted my phone and a flood of texts from him came in, seemingly frantic, that I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. I told him what happened and the same things were said, that it wasn't going to be helpful in the moving on process to sleep together but he ended up coming back over in the evening. Again, it was amazing. We always had a really healthy and great sex life, so it was nice to at least have that part of him.

Afterwards, I kept dropping "okay, you can go now.." statements (like, well it's been fun and thanks for coming by) but he just stayed and kept talking to me for an hour, telling me everything that has happened in the three weeks he was gone.

He's gotten a house with an engaged couple and is signing the new lease and moving out of our house this weekend. He kept saying all these things that he didn't like about them and how he felt uncomfortable around them (he doesn't know either of them well, but he's a mechanic and so is the other guy so they've got that in common at least). I just don't know why he would tell me that.

He also kept asking if I was going to be okay with what happened and that I can always text him if I need to talk or anything.. I didn't really know what to say. I don't see the point in ever staying friends with an ex, unless you intended on keeping something going.

 

Sorry for the novel, I just don't know what to do. I want to be with him and he knows that and I think this is just false hope that we'll get back together. We haven't talked about getting back together really at all. He's obviously using me for sex but I really enjoy it (the sex, not being used). Should I break it off completely? I find it would be impossible to truly move on, which he says he's doing, if we're still sleeping together and seeing each other. Any advice is really appreciated.

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You want to heal, break it off. You want to keep hurting have sex with him some more.

 

A lot of guys will have sex with any girl who offers it. It's just sex, it doesnt mean anything. He sounds like he's set on moving on, you should too.

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So you enableing him to get all of the benefits of a relationship WITHOUT being in one.

 

This is on YOU, mostly due to you still engaging with him and lack of control of your private parts.

 

He is using you to get what he wants (sex)....and blinding you with it.

 

Cut him off completely and do NOT engage with him so that you can heal/get over him (in time, it's going to take LOT of time, as in 3-6 months).

 

Remember, ANY contact = reset of your healing time....so don't do it.

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He's totally using you for the sex.

 

Cut him off. Completely.

 

If he reconsiders his decision to dump you and gives you good reason to consider reconciliation, well then you can talk about it.

 

But sex with an ex that dumped you?

 

Really, really bad. It's going to destroy your self esteem and keep you in limbo hoping he'll come back to you.

 

Truth is, any chance of him coming back to you in a full time relationship is squashed by giving him easy, casual, noncommitted sex.

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I'd say dont waste your time ,especially since you still have an emotional attachment to him. He just wants the sex part of the relationship without having to do the other work .If he really missed you and your company and genuinely wanted to get back together, he would say so, rather than simply have a relationship that is not exclusive and purely on the physical level, without any commitments about the growth of your relationship or caring for you or your needs.

 

I would suggest not having anymore contact with him,And start moving on.

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Oh op, many of us have fallen into bed with an ex, "break up" sex. Now you have had it, it is over with, and now you should step away. If your ex contacts you, I would tell him it was a one time thing, it can't happen again, and you need to not be in contact so you can start moving on. And then you turn your focus on to you. It is so difficult to do this but trust me when I tell you, you don't want to fall into this pattern with him. It has the potential to be an even bigger heartbreak than the original breakup. It is just not worth it.

 

I know this is probably difficult to see at this point as it is very early days for you, but the person that hurt you is not the one who can relieve the pain of heartbreak.

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I'm sorry, but you have just accepted a demotion to FWB and he is trying very hard to use sex not only for his own pleasure, but I'm betting also in the hopes of you letting him stay on in a roommate capacity as well. Ten to one he tries to bring it up while you're all cuddling after sex and he's making noises without ever fully saying, "I want you back, we're in a committed relationship after all." In fact, he has been angling for that complaining about this couple he's moving out to share a room with AND then comes the sex.

 

Hmm, sorry but his motives are REALLY sketchy here right about now.

 

What he isn't doing is respecting you at all. You asked him to not come over, you ask him not to take advantage, you ask him to let you heal. What does he do? Ignores what you want and plows ahead with what HE wants, which is sex and a place to stay. But with no strings attached. That's not love, not even close.

 

I'm sorry, but you are letting yourself be used. Don't be surprised when he stays around, but maintains he's single and goes out. And then moves out when he's found someone else to date and to move into her house. And then you'll have to recover from a breakup AND being used all over again.

 

You don't believe me? Tell him no more sex unless he's willing and ready to commit again to a full relationship. And my advice, when he moves out this weekend, don't be there. Or bring friends over to "help" him out.

 

As much as it galls me to say if you want any chance of him coming back at all you need to show him just how hard life is without you. BUT and this is key, do you really want a guy back who would not listen to what you need and want, to take your own well-being into account after dumping you, who instead uses your love to get what HE wants?

 

Is that really the guy you want in your life in any capacity, even as a friend? I'm kind of thinking no. I'm thinking if you'd remove him long enough to get real NC and real space you'd end up not wanting him back even if he wanted to come back. Which BTW there is no guarantee of regardless and I'm on the side that he's not the guy you'd want back in the first place. Not with the lack of respect I see here and total willingness to use you.

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If you want to be with him, the worst thing you can do is what you just did. He is trying to turn you into a f*ck buddy because he knows you'd go for it, which you did. Why would he revisit a relationship with you, if he can get all the benefits while also being free to meet other women? Not saying that if you stop giving him sex he'll come back, because he's made it clear he won't...

It all comes down to how much you value yourself. If you're ok acting as a free vagina to a guy who disposed of you, who didn't think you were good enough to continue a relationship with, and who is now using you for some casual sex, then keep doing it. If you want more for yourself, then tell him to go away and stop entertaining him. It's as simple as that.

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Since you already know that he's using you for sex... There really isn't much more to say. Personally, I think you'll get tired of hoping for something to happen with the quasi-relationship and you'll eventually move on. In the mean time, maybe you can start to drop the emotional tie you with him (that's all it is at this point) and start to move on.

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I don't know if I agree with the others. You did what you were supposed to do. You ignored him for 3 weeks after the breakup and he contacted you. He initated the contact. He missed you on some level. It would be a tough choice for you to,decide how you want to do this. You could keep it casual and see if he comes back. Go,more limited contact. Make him chase you. Live your life.

The others have valid points about breadcrumbs. However, I think you should let this play out a bit and see what he does. You have to be in control of your emotions and accept this is you starting over. Just make sure you take his actions at face value and do not beg or plead. He has to display desire for you. You can even not give him sex each time. Make him earn it.

Just a different point of view.

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I'd tell him you either want to get back together with him and be in a real relationship, or you need to move and have no contact anymore. Balancing between the two is what we in physics call an unstable equilibrium point, as it's a place where there appears to be balance, but it's just not sustainable, e.g. a marble on top of a dome.

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I've BTDT and pretty recently in fact. I realized a few hard realities a result:

 

• You are BOTH prolonging the agony. Of course it was great, amazing, fun and you talked afterwards. Because it is comfortable and familiar. It's the opposite of the first time you have sex with someone you are dating and it is uncomfortable and a little awkward figuring each other out. People usually return, if only briefly, to what is comfortable and feels familiar.

 

• Men do not view sex as we do. They can actually remain surprisingly detached. He may have wanted to talk and texted you a lot, but I can almost bet he is not making emotional decisions or reading into this as much as you are.

 

I know it is VERY difficult to stay away from something that feels so right (in the moment), but that moment will bring many more moments of doubt, anguish, and tons of other negative feelings. It's not worth it as I'm sure you will find out.

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