wibblewobble Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 My boyfriend never wants to meet up with my friends or visit my family. I am always going to his family events because I know it's important to him. I spent last Christmas with his family, and visit his parents when he does. When invited out with his friends I will go see them, the only exceptions being what are blatantly guy events! This is huge for me because I don't like spending time with people I'm not familiar with. I'm very shy and socially awkward, but I put myself out of my comfort zone for him because well...sometimes you have to put your big girl pants on and get over it because it's important for your relationships! On the other hand, he will not make the same efforts for me. He has visited my family once, and attended one small family event (which he spent texting his mate about how much he didn't want to be there & trying to arrange a fake phonecall so he could say he had to leave). He always makes excuses for why he can't meet my friends - for example, my best friend's birthday was a few weeks ago and he just couldn't go because his team was playing (an excuse he hit upon 2 days after I told him he was invited, so he had to think about that one!). This has been consistent, with him making excuses for not meeting my friends since the beginning of our relationship. And no, I'm not inviting him to girly nights which I would understand he wouldn't want to attend lol! This has been bugging me more and more, with it coming to a head now because he told me he would spend Christmas with my family and then the other day he told a friend that he wouldn't be. No discussion, no apology, this is the first I heard of it! I appreciate that he may not be comfortable with new people, but this isn't acceptable to me. As mentioned I am always taking myself out of my comfort zone for him, and it's just not fair how one sided this is. My family is important to me, and I'm fed up of having to make excuses at every family event for why some of them haven't met him yet or even just why he's not there - and same goes for most of my friends! Can anyone offer any explanation for this behaviour? Frankly I'm starting to feel like a close friend with the benefits of a girlfriend with none of the uncomfortable stuff of meeting family/friends etc. We have been together 3 years fyi...not the longest relationship in the world but definitely long enough for him to get over this! (Yes I know...I need to speak to him! I am also trying to think of a tactful way of bringing it up which doesn't sound like "you suck and you don't care about me" because I'm so annoyed I fear this conversation will escalate very quickly!) Link to comment
journeynow Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 An explanation? He'd be the best to answer that, but perhaps he has social anxiety. After 3 years, though, I might consider it a red flag, or yellow flag. It could mean that he doesn't full accept you. He doesn't have to love your family and friends, but if he's not comfortable or open to being with them, it could reflect an aspect of you he is incompatible with. I hope that makes sense. Does he complain about your family or friends? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 "you suck and you don't care about me" You hit the nail on the head. If I was in a relationship with someone & they refused to visit my family & see my friends it would be over. My family means a lot to me, so I couldn't be with anyone that doesn't care enough about me to understand that. He sounds very selfish. Relationships are give & take, not all take. All I can suggest is to tell him that this really hurts you, and you want him to put some effort into visiting the people you love. If he cant/wont do that then you need to decide if it is a deal breaker. Link to comment
sargon Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (Yes I know...I need to speak to him! I am also trying to think of a tactful way of bringing it up which doesn't sound like "you suck and you don't care about me" because I'm so annoyed I fear this conversation will escalate very quickly!) What's all this about being tactful? You aren't telling him he's got a big nose or bad breath, you're commenting on how he refuses to spend time with your family. Ask him what's up with that? You spend time with his family, he doesn't reciprocate, first he's going to Xmas with your family then he isn't, why the heck not? It demonstrates a lack of commitment on his part and you're not sure you can continue the relationship under such conditions. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Bluntly speaking? It means he actively DOES NOT want to be a member of your tribe. Ever. You are a page holder my dear, a convenience and nothing more. And his lack of respect for you is off the charts. He doesn't want to get to know your friends and family simply because when he leaves, and he already knows he will one day, he wants to be able to walk away and not have to deal with them at all. I'm sorry, I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. And three years in? There is zero excuse for it. It's not social anxiety or him being afraid of your family unless your family and friends are all horrible people, which I highly doubt. It's called "I really don't give a bleep about you or yours and you either let me go my way or hit the road honey." So I'm telling you to hit the road honey, because this one is NOT going to marry you or even have anything to offer outside of FWB-type arrangements, which he sounds like is really all he wants from you. If family and friends are important to you and having someone who wants to share all of your life then this guy isn't the one for you. Find a guy who wants the whole package, not just whatever it is you provide that he doesn't have to work to get. Link to comment
Limiya Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Just come out right and ask him. You deserve a full explanation for this. My boyfriend has his moments where he avoids my friends and family outings for a while, then i call him out on it and he realizes and makes an effort more. Only he can give you the answers but it sounds like he just doesn't value the relationship as much as you. Good luck, Limiya Link to comment
Tayla92 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I'm surprised you've put up with this for 3 years now.. He sounds very selfish and immature. Either ask him why he never seems to want to be around your family & friends, or call it a day. If this is how it is now and has always been, I can't see him wanting to put in the effort to change that. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 "you suck and you don't care about me" You hit the nail on the head. If I was in a relationship with someone & they refused to visit my family & see my friends it would be over. My family means a lot to me, so I couldn't be with anyone that doesn't care enough about me to understand that. He sounds very selfish. Relationships are give & take, not all take. All I can suggest is to tell him that this really hurts you, and you want him to put some effort into visiting the people you love. If he cant/wont do that then you need to decide if it is a deal breaker. Agree! Stop being such a doormat. You need to speak up. If he does not meet you halfway, then I would let this guy go. He does not see you as the one, or he would make an effort to be a complete part of your life. Link to comment
toby17 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I had an ex who always wanted me to visit her family and hang out with her friends. I thought it was a good sign because if I wasn't a keeper, she wouldn't be trying to integrate me into her and their lives. I completely overlooked the fact that she took absolutely no interest in my family (who lived overseas) and didn't want to hang out with my friends or created drama when we did hang out with my friends. She was parading me around as proof that she could have a relationship. And when she dumped me, all of her friends and family went with her. I have to agree with ParisPaulette - in addition to being selfish and not caring how you feel - he doesn't see you as permanent. Link to comment
NoMoreJerks Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I had an ex who always wanted me to visit her family and hang out with her friends. I thought it was a good sign because if I wasn't a keeper, she wouldn't be trying to integrate me into her and their lives. I completely overlooked the fact that she took absolutely no interest in my family (who lived overseas) and didn't want to hang out with my friends Yeah. This. My ex (a guy) did this too. I was flattered at first, too, because he wanted me to spend time with his friends and family. However, it was just because if I hadn't, he would've had to dedicate time to me separately. In addition, he just didn't respect me enough to meet my family and friends. Every time I invited him to an event with friends, he came up with a convenient excuse as to why he couldn't make it. In the 2 years that we were together, he never once, not once, met my family or friends. I think part of it is that some people equate meeting family+friends of their partner, as leading to some sort of commitment. This, to me, is a sign that he was not serious about me. I was just a passing-time candidate for him. Too bad I spent so much time, effort, energy, feelings, and money, on this man. He broke up with me. Twice. I even took him back the first time. Only for him to break up with me 3 weeks later. After I had gotten him a 40" TV and a Blu Ray Player. I couldn't help but think that this episode was a blatant manifestation of his lack of respect for me and the fact that he took me granted, took took took everything he could, and never gave anything back (including the decency to meet my friends and family). She was parading me around as proof that she could have a relationship. And when she dumped me, all of her friends and family went with her. This. And his friends were b*tches and jerks, who told him I was evil and that I wasn't good for him. He, and them, all played the victim card. Like I had wronged him, and I had wronged them too. When we got back together, they tried to sabotage the relationship again, and he broke up with me saying that he picked his friends over me. I think the signs were there all along -- for example, in his refusal to meet my family and friends. I have to agree with ParisPaulette - in addition to being selfish and not caring how you feel - he doesn't see you as permanent. Yeah. This. It hurts to realize this, but it is the truth we have to face. Link to comment
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