Spending every moment together, she wants: I don't - how to sort things out

[stevegerwin]

I’ve been with my partner for over 2 years now and everything has been going great. She is everything I look for in a woman; smart, attractive, caring and so on. Unfortunately though, I have recently begun to have mixed feelings about how things are going.

 

This should be something of a small problem. It’s about the way we both feel about how we should spend time together. She insists that as a couple, the only people we need are each other. We wake up together, spend all day together (on the days we work from home) and go to sleep together. At the beginning of our relationship I was balled over with luck at finding such an amazing partner, and I felt that spending all of our time together was the right thing to do.

However now that time has marched on, I am beginning to miss the feeling of personal space. Of hanging out with the lads and spending some time away. I have tried to bring this up with her, but she sees this as a situation in which I am not committed to her; that I don’t love her as much as she loves me. She simply can’t understand why I would want to spend time away from her, because you never gets that feeling herself about me. I have no way to explain to her how I feel, so cannot refute her claim and convince her otherwise.

 

To make this matter worse, we have both sacrificed a lot to be with each other. I left my previous partner to be with her and she has moved from her home town. Thus by wanting to go and have a good time without her, I am inadvertently leaving her alone. She says that I don’t care about her position, and the shame leads me to just go along with spending all my time with her further, ignoring and alienating my friends.

 

It may seem curious that I don’t just be to invite her along? This would be an ideal situation, except I would still feel the urge to have time away from her. She also tries to limit the way I spend time with them; how much I drink, how loud I speak, how much attention I should be giving her at the same time as being with them. In essence, time with friends just becomes time with her.

 

I guess what I’m really afraid of is that our relationship will become boring and predictable. In spending all our time together, I start to feel less excited around her; everything is just too familiar. In times we have spent apart due to visiting family, the meeting back up leads to a renewal of that precious energy and love that fuels an amazing relationship. I can’t break her heart, and I hate to see her upset. But if I am to bring this subject up, and tell her honestly how I feel about wanting to spend time apart a few times a week to keep my friendships and my excitement for her, then things are not going to go well. I know because I have tried being honest, it resulted in tears and arguments until I subsided and gave in to what she wanted.

 

If anyone has any advice in dealing with a situation like this I would greatly appreciate your help. Being honest I would like to think is the best option, however I know that it will only lead to great pain for her, and subsequently an unbalance in our relationship which will damage us for as long as it lasts.

 

Thank you for reading.

[j.man]

I left my previous partner to be with her

Personally, I think it's a combination of two things.

 

1) She's innately needy. Whatever reasons for it I couldn't begin to try to psychoanalyze.

2) What I quoted. Believe me, she hasn't forgotten that you left someone else to be with her and I doubt she ever will. In the back of her mind, she knows the exact same potential exists in your relationship.

 

I'd really consider this a no-win. You have to assert your boundaries and tell her you love her but need your personal space respected. If, as I believe, she can't do that, then you need to find someone who can, preferably after you leave this one.

[DoF]

NOTHING to the extreme is EVER good.

 

Spending 100% of the time together is an extreme.

 

What I would do in your shoes is simply take action. I wouldn't even talk about it.

 

Schedule an event 2-3 weeks from now with your friend, or heck, even to go out with your family or something, doesn't really matter. Once booked, simply tell her that on this date you want to spend some time with your friend etc.

 

Walk away, whatever she says.......just ignore. If she tries to pull shame crap on you, simply tell her, look "I invest almost ALL of my time into this relationship and my actions should clearly tell you that I do love you. I'm telling you that I love you as well! I would like to go spend some time with my family/friends, I would really appreciate if you respected that".

 

Leave it at that. She will be fine, trust me....she has personal issues to deal with and needs to go do things herself as well.

 

Anyways, the overall point is that you want to ease into it. Do it in 3 weeks.....give it few weeks, do it again, and work your way up to a point where you want to be.

 

On the other hand, personally, I've been married for almost 20 years and even today, I still want to spend each and every moment with my wife. It's NEVER enough time together, and never will be. But I am working, and I have hobbies/actives I do on my own (sports etc). I keep a close eye on how much time I dedicate to things outside of my marriage and make sure my relationship is my priority.

 

I think you are already doing that as well, perhaps little too much.

 

DO NOT ask for permission, you are a grown man and take action towards whatever it is that you like.

 

If she wants to cry about it, let her. If she is going to cause drama and fights over it, tell her that if she continues you will reconsider this relationship.

 

Communication is important in relationships (extremely) but we often forget that ACTION is what really get things done.

 

Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

 

PS. I also agree with JMAn, she will never forget what you did to your ex and think it will happen to her....but that is HER fault for ever accepting a man like YOU.

 

: D

[Movingforward3]

Sounds like she has a personality disorder. Does she have friends she spends time with away from you? I like spending time with my partner, but this seems excessive. Does she spend time your family? She sounds insecure, perhaps what Jman said about your prior relationship.

[dias]

I’ve been with my partner for over 2 years now and everything has been going great. She is everything I look for in a woman; smart, attractive, caring and so on. Unfortunately though, I have recently begun to have mixed feelings about how things are going.

 

This should be something of a small problem. It’s about the way we both feel about how we should spend time together. She insists that as a couple, the only people we need are each other. We wake up together, spend all day together (on the days we work from home) and go to sleep together. At the beginning of our relationship I was balled over with luck at finding such an amazing partner, and I felt that spending all of our time together was the right thing to do.

However now that time has marched on, I am beginning to miss the feeling of personal space. Of hanging out with the lads and spending some time away. I have tried to bring this up with her, but she sees this as a situation in which I am not committed to her; that I don’t love her as much as she loves me. She simply can’t understand why I would want to spend time away from her, because you never gets that feeling herself about me. I have no way to explain to her how I feel, so cannot refute her claim and convince her otherwise.

 

To make this matter worse, we have both sacrificed a lot to be with each other. I left my previous partner to be with her and she has moved from her home town. Thus by wanting to go and have a good time without her, I am inadvertently leaving her alone. She says that I don’t care about her position, and the shame leads me to just go along with spending all my time with her further, ignoring and alienating my friends.

 

It may seem curious that I don’t just be to invite her along? This would be an ideal situation, except I would still feel the urge to have time away from her. She also tries to limit the way I spend time with them; how much I drink, how loud I speak, how much attention I should be giving her at the same time as being with them. In essence, time with friends just becomes time with her.

 

I guess what I’m really afraid of is that our relationship will become boring and predictable. In spending all our time together, I start to feel less excited around her; everything is just too familiar. In times we have spent apart due to visiting family, the meeting back up leads to a renewal of that precious energy and love that fuels an amazing relationship. I can’t break her heart, and I hate to see her upset. But if I am to bring this subject up, and tell her honestly how I feel about wanting to spend time apart a few times a week to keep my friendships and my excitement for her, then things are not going to go well. I know because I have tried being honest, it resulted in tears and arguments until I subsided and gave in to what she wanted.

 

If anyone has any advice in dealing with a situation like this I would greatly appreciate your help. Being honest I would like to think is the best option, however I know that it will only lead to great pain for her, and subsequently an unbalance in our relationship which will damage us for as long as it lasts.

 

Thank you for reading.

She exceeds the limits and that's not good. Everyone wants personal space . Tell her that she exaggerates and this will eventuate to an unhappy ending if she insists to continue like this .

 

However leaving your previous partner to be with her is not a sacrifice .

[melancholy123]

She is a needy control freak and is sabotaging your relationship with her demands of constant closeness. Of course you need time to yourself, to hang with friends, to do whatever you want to do. She should be hanging out with her girlfriends and/or family. All this closeness is too close, and it does indeed make you dull and boring, there's nothing left to talk about. I like the idea of scheduling doing something with a friend 3 weeks down the road, tell her, and then do it. Do it again, 2 weeks out, and do it and so on. She needs to learn people need space, not constant contact.

[1Love1]

But if I am to bring this subject up, and tell her honestly how I feel about wanting to spend time apart a few times a week to keep my friendships and my excitement for her, then things are not going to go well

 

It won't go well if you DON'T bring it up too. Sometimes people like her NEED for the other person to stand their ground and say no. 1) Because if you give in every time and eventually stop, they'll freak out even more wondering what has changed. Better to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. 2) She exhibits the need for control to make her feel more secure. She thinks that having it her way will do that, but it won't.

 

The best thing you can do is tell her no sometimes. It's important that you do for both of your sakes. She can't find out that she'll be ok without you unless you actually go out from time to time. Of course she'll freak out at first, they always do. But the more you go and have time for yourself, the more time she has to realize she'll be fine

[Dcgent]

you will only go crazy in this environment. And I agree with the earlier post...she probably worries you will find another lady while out on the town. She isn't letting you be you...and it is said she can't respect space. Personally, I don't think this relationship will really blossom any more...it will start to rot with this lack of trust and insecurities.

[bulletproof]

She insists that as a couple, the only people we need are each other.

 

 

This is so unhealthy that it will eventually ruin this relationship. Maybe you need a neutral third party to explain to her that human beings need friends, family, hobbies, etc., outside of a relationship. This isn't a heavy concept; it's disturbing she doesn't realize it. You could probably just Google it together and get an answer.

 

If this were me, I would no longer be swayed by tears and arguments. She's a grown woman crying over her boyfriend doing something socially without her. Think about that.