Emotional abuse? Please help. Please.

[carriebeth]

This is long winded. And basically deals with someone I have considered to be my soulmate.

 

Person A and I dated over 2 years ago. I was able to open up to him about my past (I've been sexually abused). We did not date for very long. He told me he had a crazy ex girlfriend who called him all the time but it meant nothing. At first I was suspicious, but I believed him, I trusted the stories he told me. He ended up sleeping with her and never gave me the courtesy of a breakup, he just stopped talking to me. I ended up getting an STD from him.

 

Now WHY I was still in love with him I do not know. But he was all I could think about. I made changes in my life and took care of myself, I became an artist, and he ended up going through an "emotionally abusive" relationship. We started to hang out, he even made a video for my website. We would sleep over and cuddle, and he held my face and told me I was safe with him, that I could trust him. So we kissed and I almost slept with him. It just felt so right. Being in the arms of someone I had wanted for so long, I felt like it was my second chance. When I laid in his arms I felt such a connection, it was almost like an out of body experience, I just felt complete, and loved...BUT.... I didn't sleep with him. I don't know why, I wanted him so intensely but also wanted to make sure we were dating before I "gave myself" to him (emotionally, physically).

 

He ends up asking me to date and I say yes, then he changes his mind and says that we should just be friends and no more sleepovers...literally he began the conversation with lets date and ended it by saying, no lets just be friends. I got very upset. I shut down, and I asked him, are we dating or not? He said to not worry about it. Cut to a week later I invite him to go hiking with my father and I after I had him over for dinner; he agreed to go with. I even asked him, are you sure? He still said yes. He ends up blowing me off. Never returns my phone call, and then 2 days later he sends me an unrelated text and never apologizes. I told him I was upset about the way he treated me and his response was, "Whatever Carrie, dating is obviously a bad idea. I'm still willing to help you with your art and the offer stands, no matter what you say". Which basically is like saying "I dont care about your emotions I just want to help you and there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind". I felt powerless. He never said that we were dating and now he's breaking up with me? I was so hurt and mad and confused. I was stuck. I still had all these intense feelings for him and wanted him in my life so I agreed to be "friends" and let him help me sell my art. Bad idea, I should have been honest.

 

SO. I agree to let him help me sell my art, but I realized that I was starting to blow up at him for no reason, maybe because I still had unresolved emotions towards him. He would say he would do things to help me then never really follow through, which made me even more upset. I ended up sending him an email that stated all the things he had done which were disrespectful and that I wanted an apology. He said the next step was talking about responsibilities so he knows exactly what he needs to do, but he still didn't say sorry or even reference what he did to hurt me. I replied by stating that I was still mad that he refused to apologize, but I set up a date for us to meet and talk. He responded by saying that it was clear our relationship had been damaged and that we should go our separate ways, best of luck in life. Straight up, "I don't care enough to fix this goodbye" I mean, ?

 

So I cut him off. I was so livid. I have never been treated with such little respect, and real friends don't do that to each other. He straight up walked away from me instead of putting any effort into acknowledging his behavior. Did I push too hard and make him shut down? Should I have been more sensitive to the fact that no one is perfect instead of blaming him for everything? I was just trying to stand up for being treated poorly.

 

We end up seeing each other out in public a week later. He was so excited to see me, smiled, put his hand on me, bragged about me to all his friends. Made me feel like he cared about me. So we started to talk again slowly, despite my previous intention to cut him out of my life forever. I come to find out that he's in love with someone he met and hooked up with at a wedding (he's a wedding dj) and my heart sank, but I genuinely loved him and told him I was happy for him. We ended up having a LONG conversation about everything that had happened between us, about him cheating, about how his refusing to acknowledge my feelings made me feel worthless. We made HUGE progress. He apologized, told me that its just not a natural thing for him to respond to emotions because of his personality type (ENTP). Which makes sense, and no one is perfect. He also told me that he was in love with the girl he hooked up with at the wedding, but I still told him I was happy for him. So I thought things could finally move forward and we could at least be friends. All this after my friends desperately pleading with me to cut him out of my life for good.

 

WELL....he invites me out for a drink a few days later and as soon as he gets there he chugs his beer. I noticed he was texting the girl he's seeing so I asked how she was doing. He goes to the bathroom, comes back and says he has to go. We were literally there for less than 5 minutes. I was pissed! I told him, you're the one who invited me out for a drink and now you're leaving? He told me he had to go back to his house because the power was out and he needed to talk to his landlord. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "Bull, you're lying to me". It was almost 11 o'clock at night. No one talks to their landlord at that hour. He continued to say he was telling the truth. So I walked him home and he hugs me a block before his house and we say goodbye. My gut was telling me something was definitely up, so after walking a block I turned around and decided to see if he was telling the truth.

 

All the lights were on. I was so pissed and wanted him to know I caught him in his lie so I went up to his door and knocked. I heard him talking to someone. It turned out to be the girl he was seeing, she came to town and surprised him, which i found out later. He turned of the lights and didn't answer the door, pretended to not be home. He has read receipts on his phone, so I texted him, hey I need to talk, please let me in. He read the text right as I was knocking and still didn't answer. I called him twice and he didn't answer. I know, I went crazy.

 

The next morning I went off the deep end. I ended up emailing his "crazy ex" and telling her all the terrible he had said about her and how he was planning to use her for her advertising skills (he is trying to start a non-profit for buying back guns) meanwhile, she was still in love with him and wanted to marry him and had no idea that he was seeing anyone else, because if she found out she would snap and he wouldn't end up getting the help he needed, or at least thats what he told me.

 

He didn't bother calling me back, despite the fact that I was at his door and had called him 2 times that night. BUT, when his ex contacted him to tell him I sent her an email he went CRAZY. He said:

 

What have you done, you have no idea what you did, send me the email you sent her, I need to know.

 

He ends up pulling up behind me on the road and continues to rant:

 

"I'm just going to follow you around until you talk to me" So I pull over at the coffee shop and he parks his car in the street, with his passenger door open, like he was expecting me to get in or something. I look him up and down and he says, "what are you doing", and I walk away, without saying anything and then he snapped.

 

He sent me 47 texts in a row over a 1 hour period. Called me a , pathetic, said we never had a relationship, good luck in the snake pit. He deleted the video he made for my website and said he would go out of his way to be my enemy. I told him "now you know how you've made my heart feel"

 

he called my "heart" (yes he even put it in quotation marks) pathetic. Told me I would always be pathetic and that only I wanted what I can't have. That I never loved him. He said it was entertaining watching me go from 0-60 after I found out he had met someone else, that it only took me 3 days to self destruct. Told me I needed therapy, that I was self righteous, selfish and only cared about myself.

 

 

I end up hearing back from his "crazy ex". It turns out he put her through the same as he did me, blowing up at her when she expressed that her feelings were hurt, he even went as far to say that she had a personality disorder. She told me stories about his selfish behavior and how he would lash out at her if she called him out on it. JUST like he did to me. So what about the so called "emotionally abusive" relationship? Sure I don't know the whole story but to me it sounds like this piece of guy has a way of manipulating women into giving him exactly what he needs without ever really acknowledging their feelings. His plan was to launch his non-profit and make enough living off of donations, then move to be with the girl he loved. Well, by telling his ex the truth I messed up his master plans and revealed him as the man he actually is, which is why I think he freaked out so hardcore.

 

What are your thoughts? Am I some self-righteous emotionally reactive person who hurt someone whose only intention was to help me sell my art? Or do you think I finally stood up for myself after being treated like garbage? Its hard to tell because there are two sides to every story, but he has lied to me in the past and continued to lie to me. He even lied about lying in his rant, he claimed he had no idea it was me at the door and that I hurt him for no good reason.

 

I'm just so confused. I can't tell if I finally cut out a very toxic person from my life or if I stabbed my friend in the back.

 

Please help

[j.man]

I think you're someone who needs help. You claim he made you feel worthless, but I really have to question how much value you've placed on yourself if you're going through all of this over a flaky guy who you, by your own admission, didn't date long. How long did you even date for? At any point, were you actually committed to each other?

 

You followed him home to prove that you knew he was lying about talking to another woman while on a date with you? You call him twice that night? Text him to confront him? Take it upon yourself to message the other woman? Yeah, entertaining other women while on a date is quite obviously an ***hole move, but you two aren't together and it was just a date. The most you were entitled to do is call him a jerk (in as vulgar terms as you'd like) and leave him at the bar. Again, there's no defending this guy whatsoever, but you were about 1000 yards out of bounds.

[Hollyj]

I can't believe you continue to put yourself through this!! You should have cut hum off, after he slept with the ex the first time.

 

You keep on returning to the drama and pain, over and over. What are you getting from this??? He's not your friend!!!!!

 

I think that you are your own worst enemy. It is quite obvious that this guy does not respect or care for you, but you are also not treating yourself with care. Don't you think it time to go NC and end this farce?

 

Get some counseling,

[bulletproof]

 

What are your thoughts? Am I some self-righteous emotionally reactive person who hurt someone whose only intention was to help me sell my art? Or do you think I finally stood up for myself after being treated like garbage?

I'm just so confused. I can't tell if I finally cut out a very toxic person from my life or if I stabbed my friend in the back.

 

 

Yes, you are very emotionally reactive. Probably a good idea to curb that behavior.

I think that "standing up for yourself" would have been ending the relationship entirely after the first incident of him stopping communication with you and giving you an STD.

I don't know if it counts as cutting a toxic person out if you were both toxic to each other. Sending that email to his ex was very, very wrong, in my opinion. All the wrongs between the two of you don't make a right.

 

Consider getting help. It sounds like your abusive past is really wreaking havoc on your present.

[carriebeth]

I have been trying to cut him off for months now, but he just kept coming back and every time I would get hopeful that we could develop a healthy friendship. What people may not realize is that when we spoke we both agreed to be open and honest to each other and he lied to me. When he lied to me I guess it just made me realize, finally, that he would never change, and he was stringing along his ex and going on dates with her, and me, and apparently someone else who lived out of town. In the email I sent to his ex, I highlighted the way he had treated me and that he was planning to string her along to help his business. I sent it to help save her from the same pain i was going through. I understand that it was completely out of line, and I can't take it back but she ended up thanking me and told me a very different side to how he treated her in his relationship.

 

Thank you for your reply

[j.man]

Were you two in a committed relationship at the time of this last date?

[carriebeth]

Hi j. man

 

I think you are focusing too much on the most recent actions of what led up to my sending the email. No we never dated a second time, but he led me on emotionally and physically which made me upset, but again I got over it and approached our relationship from a friendship point of view. I just think I hit a wall when he lied straight to my face. I contacted his ex because all he does is lie. He lied about still being in contact with her and a week before we met up at the bar he walked right by me in a cafe with her and didn't say hi or acknowledge me. Meanwhile, he's leading her on while he's sleeping with someone from out of town. I know my sending the email was completely out of line. But in all fairness this person has not treated me well either. I agree that speaking to someone would help, but hearing that I'm the crazy person isn't exactly supportive either. I do value your opinion, and know you are right when you say i was completely out of line. I guess I just hit a wall.

[Hollyj]

I have been trying to cut him off for months now, but he just kept coming back and every time I would get hopeful that we could develop a healthy friendship. What people may not realize is that when we spoke we both agreed to be open and honest to each other and he lied to me. When he lied to me I guess it just made me realize, finally, that he would never change, and he was stringing along his ex and going on dates with her, and me, and apparently someone else who lived out of town. In the email I sent to his ex, I highlighted the way he had treated me and that he was planning to string her along to help his business. I sent it to help save her from the same pain i was going through. I understand that it was completely out of line, and I can't take it back but she ended up thanking me and told me a very different side to how he treated her in his relationship.

 

Thank you for your reply

 

He showed you who he was the first time. That should have been enough. I don't care what he said, you need to implement some boundaries in your life.

 

it is up to you to protect yourself from people like this. Show yourself some love and care, and stop believing what people say, when they have repeatedly treated you like garbage. This is on you, now.

[Hollyj]

He is not, nor ever was your friend! He is a user!

[lukeb]

Yes it is kind of a long winded story but I am still trying to figure out where there was any commitment made to be exclusive. As far as I can tell he never really did anything wrong, right from the beginning he was clear that the two of you probably shouldn't be dating and that he was only interested in friendship. I think you led yourself on emotionally into believing there was something much more there than there actually was. You had absolutely no right to email his "crazy ex", and he had every reason to be angry with you. I agree with the others that you should probably get some help to gain some perspective on the things you have been doing.

[Hollyj]

Remember, you're not a victim in this. You created your own drama.

[bulletproof]

I have been trying to cut him off for months now, but he just kept coming back...

 

This sounds really passive. So what if he comes back? That doesn't mean you have to accept him into your life again. This is all about choices that both of you made, not just him. I think that going forward you have to stop thinking of yourself as a victim of someone/something. You may also have to get honest with yourself about your motivation for sending that email. Yes, you may think you sent it to "save her," but the timing of it sounds more like you were trying to get back at him.