Light Bulb moment re: NC, Breaking Up, Myself and might help someone

[BeHeard]

Let me start off by saying that I spent a lot of time, since joining this forum, reading all of your tales of heartbreak. What a relief it was to find it! Here I was floating around thinking I was just plain neurotic and nobody behaves like I do. But love is tough, as I have seen in all of your stories, so thank you for sharing them. I'm hoping some of this will help you all:

 

I posted a brief story about myself previously, and my XBF. It's been a year since our first break up, and we reconciled to break up again 4 months later. I've been in and out of no contact. Broken up and back together. We've been friends. We've been FWBs. We've been frenemies and enemies. Yesterday it occurred to me with my second sentence I stated here:

 

ONE YEAR. ONE YEAR!

 

One year of this cycling? The back and forth. The push-pull dynamic. The "don't talk to me again!" only to see something funny and share it and fall into the same old patterns. Picking at the proverbial scab. Counseling since April, but luckily my therapist lets me make my own mistakes and then we meet and look over all the broken pieces to work on the healing process all over again.

 

Yesterday, I think... and I hope, that I've had it. ONE YEAR is ONE YEAR too many. If it hasn't worked itself out yet... what is ONE MORE DAY going to do? It was empowering and I'm clinging to that empowering feeling for all that it is worth.

 

We aren't a match. It is simply that. It's not that either I'm broken or he is broken or anybody needs fixing. We, at this time and place, and maybe forever ARE NOT A MATCH. We were best friends for 10 years so it would make sense that would translate into a great relationship. The difference is, when you are friends you are not around that person all the time, nor are you forced to work on anything. You just... well... go home.

 

For all of you lingering on, you have to let go. You simply HAVE to. I know because I have done everything in every way possible and IT DOES NOT WORK. What works ALL the time is NO CONTACT and committing to working on YOURSELF. If you try to cheat, it won't work. You will never heal. You will never give yourself the chance to have clarity or move on with anybody and if you do move on before that point, you are cheating them and yourself.

 

I don't know how this story will end, but I do know that prior to this I looked to the "endpoint" of no contact. In my mind "If I can just make it 30 days.... 60....". I've realized, there IS no endpoint. The choice to make a clean break from this person is infinity and should they contact you, it is up to you whether you want to return to the darkest time of your life and go over all you went through again.

 

For a month, weeks.... or A YEAR+

 

It's one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your lifetime. I know what it's like to check your phone constantly. To daydream while you drive. To carefully formulate that ONE perfect text in your heard and imagine their reaction (it never goes that way though... does it? To think in your head when people tell you that you need to do this that "They just don't understand. We were special. It's complex. We had a dynamic that is worth fighting for." You are fooling yourself.

 

I remember hearing once (whether it is true or not, I am not sure, nor can I quote the source but it stuck with me), that there are 7 perfect matches for us in the entire world and the chances of us meeting any one of those 7 is virtually impossible (as you can imagine). So while we might not meet THOSE people, we certainly try to get as close as we can. Think about it, THE WORLD and how many people are in it that could be close to perfect. Imagine the odds.

 

And here we sit spinning our wheels on ONE, that our mind has convinced us IS THE ONE, but evidence has shown us otherwise.

 

ONE PERSON. ONE YEAR. Darn Adele and all her hit songs (and new album

 

Is it really worth it and do you have that many jellybeans? And if you don't know what I mean by that reference, Google "The Time You Have (In Jelly Beans)" to put it in perspective.

[dreamyjane]

Hi BeHeard thanks for video !

 

I´m really sorry for your pain. It´s really hard moment, when we realised, we must finish our relationship and move on.

Without this experience, you won´t learn so unforgettable lesson about life. I´m sure you will get through this!

It´s great you have good therapist, who will help you.

You´re stronger than you think. Don´t forget about it.