my gf hesitates between me and some friend

[lezebula]

Hi !

 

I'm a 25-yo guy and my gf is 21.

 

So my gf is in university. We met 2 years ago and this was wonderful. My gf is the kind of person to always try to be cheerful and positive, which I found great! Contrasting to my personality which is more pessimistic / cynic . Since a year I've been through though with a job (that I'm leaving!) and very heavy health issues in my familly (which are going to take a dramatic turn this month of within a few months). Our relationship suffered from this and my gf is afraid these problems made me change my personality (as in, permanently, whereas I feel this is temporary).

 

Today I received a phone call of her crying. Basically some dude from university asked her out. For the context, this dude was in her class 2 years ago, in another class last year, and is in her class again this year. She had been talking to me about him before and how he is the only person in her class that is here for her, and how he has a positive outlook on life. I'm working and we are living 30 km apart so I've learned to not be jealous of the guys she interacts with at her university. So, apparently my gf and this guy and other friends all went to movies last friday, and this guy asked her out this monday. Today my gf calls me, crying, saying that this guy asked her out, and she doesn't know what to do. She claims that she feels she is more compatible with him (for the reasons I mentionned), and that maybe has more of a future with him than I, mostly due to the fact that I've changed according to her. Also due to the fact there is no age gap between them and he is close by, while I'm working and not so close. I know that our relationship isn't at its best right now but during the week-end when saw each others and I thought it went really fine, no arguing, etc

 

This news is basically devastating me, espically since I have other really though things to deal with with my familly right now. Obviously this is more convienent for her to go out with a guy that is close by and that shares the same class, but is it a reason to dump someone you have lived tons of things with, like that?

 

 

 

So, what do I do in this situation? Is there even anything I can do at this point ? I want to keep my gf but I don't want to have to be on the lookout for orbiter guy for the remainder of the year. After she called me she basically said she doesn't know where she is at in our relationship and wants to be on her own for a few days, but now I'm paranoid as she will just have fun with this guy during class and just not talk to me. I don't even know if the appropriate course of action is to be pissed and not talk to her or try to be nice and "convince" her in her choice . Right now all I'm doing is basically stalling and barely responding to her texts when she sends me anything, replying like "cool" , "ok" etc

Honestly I feel I'm not that far from a nervous breakdown since keeps pilling on me

[stuka80]

Basically she bolts as soon as she gets feelings for someone else. Loyalty means nothing to her. I dont know about you but thats a huge attribute in a partner for me. ilIt basically means she wont ditch me just cause shes got the hots for someone else.

 

It should not even be a question. If a person has loyalty and integrity she wouldve shut him down the first time but she instead calls you crying(to soften the blow).

 

If i were you, i'd make the decision for her and end it right there. I dont need nor want a girlfriend who gets "confused" when a random guy asks her out.

[lezebula]

I dont need nor want a girlfriend who gets "confused" when a random guy asks her out.

 

well apparently tons of guys have asked her out since we are together and it was always an obvious "no"

note that this guy isn't random, it's a guy she knows since 2013 and that is the only real friend she has at university

[Doc Blaze]

monkey branching...doesnt look good.

[stuka80]

well apparently tons of guys have asked her out since we are together and it was always an obvious "no"

note that this guy isn't random, it's a guy she knows since 2013 and that is the only real friend she has at university

 

Ok, so she's told them all no, except for this one, because once again, i said as soon as she develops feelings for someone, like she did with this guy, she'll all of a sudden be on shaky ground. So I'd still give you the same advice. Walk away, have some self respect and dont wait around for a girl who's weighing her options on whether to dump you for the other guy or not. It wouldn't even be a question for me. I want to be with a woman that I can depend on and trust. Take that advice or wait around and try to convince her, its obviously you choice, but good luck.

 

By the way, I dont know if you guys go by a different definition of "friend" but my version of it, he was never one to begin with. I've never hung around my friends hoping to date them or have sex with them.

[missmarple]

First of all, I'm sorry about your family problems...I understand how tough it must be for you to have to deal both with your family and your girlfriend.

However, no, there's nothing you can do when your gf tells you she wants to date someone else. Basically, she broke up with you (even though she didn't say the exact words) but did it in a way that put the blame on you. The real reason is she's very young, you don't meet each other often and she's taken a liking to this guy...I would even take a guess and say that something has already happened between them.

She asked you for space and a permission to cheat ('I want to be my own for a few days' = I want to do whatever I want without having to answer to anyone). I would consider the relationship over. It was good while it lasted but, unfortunately, most relationships we have in our early '20s have an ending point.

If I were you, I would thank her for the memories and try to move on with my life. After what she's told you, even if you do continue the relationship, you'll always have doubts and that's no way to live your life.

[lezebula]

Well, to be honest (or deluded), I asked her if she intended to see that "friend" and she told me no.

She also told me that she was unable to lie to me so that I could trust her on this.

Also this month at university she has a specific schedule so she is extra busy with classes and coursework, so I doubt she has time to go out that much (and that "friend" is not in these classes)

From what I gathered she is feeling bad and sorry that she is unable to help me with my own problems. She says she has some problems of her own and that she needs someone to be able to lift her up. These problems she has are basically that she failed some competitive exams last year, and now she doesn't know what she wants to do study-wise, even though she is still continuing this year at universit in the same path. I don't know what to make of this, with regards to my own situation.

 

For the record she has been messaging me once or twice a day with messages like "how are you?" "what are you doing?" "please try to do something fun" etc, so she still somewhat cares for me, but my replies are extremely limited and fairly cold.

 

Once again I have no idea what to do, I've just told her that I'm not stupid enough to continue acting "nice" as if she could just tell me this and no expect consequences on my part. But for now this is kind of status quo I think

 

any ideas on how I should respond to her messages?

[sargon]

I'd take the bull by the horns and break up with her.

 

Let her feel the shock and rejection of you not putting up with being a possible second choice.

[lezebula]

well the thing is that I love her, and I don't want to risk a chance of loosing her permanently if there is a possibility that we can sort this

 

anyway she is telling me she is going away this week end to reflect about this