cang1284 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread "I can't take it anymore; his temper". So this is pretty much a continuance to that story line. But, my husband is really just pushing me to a point where I am so miserable and unhappy. This weekend; we were actually out and about having a great day! At the mall he asked me if I'd like to go upstairs and check out my stores. I was hesitant, but agreed as I thought it would be fun. I walk into Steve Madden and decide to try on two pair of boots; one of which I fell in love with and I signal my husband to come over and take a look. He didn't seem as equally excited about the boots, but I just figured he was bored. So I took them off; took a picture of the name of the boot in case they went on sale or I could get them at a later time. They were $200.00 and at the moment I just couldn't afford. As we leave the store my husband starts to yell at me in public. You have your priorities wrong, we are buying a house, you shouldn't be buying anything at all. First of all, I have not purchased ANYTHING in months upon months, and not for nothing I went into the store at his suggestion, and I am a woman of course I love shoes! I didn't buy the boots; so really him even having a little bit of anger was crazy in my mind. But, this little event turned into very bad night. As we leave the mall to walk to his car, he continues to yell at me; "B*tch" and "Ass*ole" etc.. He was so loud people were looking at us, to not put myself in the wrong, I remained silent and trailed behind him. We got in the car; he dropped me at home, and he just left me there and continued to text me how wrong I was, etc. I responded to his texts that I was completely unhappy and tired of crying, and that NOT once did he ever hug me when I was crying. (that's the truth). The weekend prior he punched a whole in the bedroom door because he got very angry. His respond was that he was coming home and to not talk to him. So the rest of the night I stayed in the bedroom and avoided him, while he stayed in the living room. This separation and not allowed to talk to him seems to be happening more and more frequently. My problem is our apartment is selling in a week; the closing is next Wednesday, and we have to move. I have no idea what to do. The next day he apologized (which is usually not the norm) and was extra nice. But, I know he will have another bad temper again. I can say one little thing wrong when we are having a great time and I'm punished the entire night by his anger and silence.
Seraphim Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 It is time to get that marriage annulled and quickly. Find a place to go to on your own. Do not tell him ,just plan this all on your own and then text him when you are in a safe place
j.man Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Don't get me wrong, I lack as much of an understanding of women's love of shoes as the next guy, but you should be running and running fast.
overthemoon86 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You need to get out of this relationship immediately. Please call a lawyer now. Cang, this is not going to improve. Please get out of this, you don't deserve it.
Zuri Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 The fact that you both will be moving is actually in your best interest. Draw up the petition to divorce (it's actually not that hard), get the filing fee ready. Move and file immediately. He won't change you do not want to live your life in this kind of marriage.
surfdiva Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I'm really sorry you're going through this. You've only been married a month. I think the fact that your apartment is selling soon is a god send. It's time to get out of this relationship and NOW. Things will not improve, but only get worse with time. He sounds extremely volatile, it's just verbal now but it could turn physical and that's what really has me worried about you. Please, just pack a bag and get out. Go stay with a friend he doesn't know but get out of that situation!
ParisPaulette Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I'm sorry, but you are with an abuser and it will only get worse. Much worse. If you stay. You need to call this hotline and come up with an exit strategy that keeps you safe and him away from you. It's all I can tell you to do: get out before it gets worse. I know, I've been there and worked in a profession that helped people in your shoes. I recognize the signs very clearly and deep down, you do too. Time to go now while you still can.
Snny Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 OP, I pulled up and read your previous threads here. From the information gathered: * You both had major financial issues. Him not selling the apartment and not agreeing to move in together until you both were married. You both agreed to marry because you wanted kids... but was there anything else? * In May 2015, around the same time you both had financial problems, sexual problems began to arise. He was not meeting your sexual needs even though you spoke to him about it. He is also taking testosterone shots. Is his hormonal medication, on top of financial stress, contributing to his anger issues? * There are issues with both of you managing household responsibilities. In this thread, you said "I cook, clean daily, do his laundry many times. And in two years he has not done my laundry once or cooked for me once." Ha, wow. * Your husband's selfish behavior. In the same thread link, you said "I never really thought too much into it, until I started to realize this selfish behavior is a pattern overall, beyond sex. With him, he will go right in the kitchen prepare himself something to eat, and not even think about me. He knows how to do these things; he just isn't thinking about anyone other than himself." Yet knowing his behavior and how he treats you, you still married this pig. How could you be so suddenly "surprised" by his selfish behavior toward you when it was already displayed in the past? I observed on every single thread created by you, many posters have warned you about this man and advise you to break up. When so many people - neutral strangers - are telling you that this is a bad relationship and give you valid reasons why, it's time you should listen with your head and not with your heart. You thanked them for advice, but don't follow through it. It was your choice to make, yet you still keep coming back here with a new set of problems involving him. Nothing has improved between you both. Not to be harsh, but what do you honestly expect us to tell you? I'm truly baffled. I'm going to cut to the chase. No sugar coating. No fluff. no BS. Here are your three remaining choices now 1. Go to marriage counseling. But are you and him willing to listen to a professional therapist and follow his/her guidance to save the marriage? 2. Start the divorce paperwork. He has already proven to you before marriage that he is trouble. 3. Stay in the marriage. Remain unhappy. Expect this man to abuse you mentally and physically because of your refusal to leave.
catfeeder Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 The sale of your place gives you the perfect opportunity to get away from him. Otherwise, you'll just keep posting more complaints about him to hear the same suggestions over and over again. When nothing changes, nothing changes. I'd get good legal advice and change my life.
cang1284 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I appreciate your honesty. I agree 100% I guess I am just hoping that if I hear enough people telling me in all of these situations I should move on; I get the courage to do so...its a scary and will certainly change my life. The first step is always the hardest. And, its a lot easier to stay then to move on to the unknown. I also like to write here to vent everything and get different perspectives and hopefully drill in my head the right decision; I don't really go and tell my family and friends about all of this its nice to have somewhere to talk.
Seraphim Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 You SHOULD be telling your family and friends. Absolutely DO NOT isolate from your support system. Have a family member pick you and your cats up today. Women and animals die in your situation.
catfeeder Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 I appreciate your honesty. I agree 100% I guess I am just hoping that if I hear enough people telling me in all of these situations I should move on; Your love life is not a democracy, so nobody else's vote counts. You're the one living like this, so you get to decide whether it's worth it to keep exposing yourself to this horrible treatment just so you can post about it and get enough agreement that it's horrible. How much sense does that make to you?
youareworthy Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 What I don't think you can see yet, Cang, is that with a man like this, you could end up dead. None of us wants to see that happen. YOU MUST MUST MUST GET OUT. I know you are afraid of the unknown, but what is ahead for you in the marriage is TERRIFYING to those of us who have been there. Call a women's shelter OR go to this website and call this hotline: RIGHT NOW!!! Read the book The Gift of Fear if you think I am exaggerating about ending up dead.
Lester Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 "I'm punished the entire night by his anger and silence." - The above is only the beginning of a life filled with torture/worse. RUN, call cops in the blink of a eye, do not look back, forget about everything..., leave it all behind. Go home or to shelter. Read everything you can about abuse. btw, in case you didn't know; you're in a non-marriage!
IAmFCA Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I appreciate your honesty. I agree 100% I guess I am just hoping that if I hear enough people telling me in all of these situations I should move on; I get the courage to do so...its a scary and will certainly change my life. The first step is always the hardest. And, its a lot easier to stay then to move on to the unknown. I also like to write here to vent everything and get different perspectives and hopefully drill in my head the right decision; I don't really go and tell my family and friends about all of this its nice to have somewhere to talk. The longer gou wait, the harder it gets to leave. Go. Now. I've lived with an angry person all of my life, starting with my father. It is soul crushing. Learning to find joy requires a lifetime of recovery. If you stay, you are accepting this treatment. Do not do that to yourself. Now. Now, OP. There never will be a better time.
youareworthy Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Dear Cang, I came back on eNotAlone to check on you. Have you left yet? Leave tonight or tomorrow morning if you haven't left already. Do not be afraid. When I left my abusive husband, I was terrified that I was throwing myself and my four little children off a cliff. That was not true. We took it one day at a time, and every one of us 5 is doing well and very happy now. On the day I left him, I told my mother, "This is the hardest, and the best, thing I have ever done." You will feel the same way when you leave him. Believe me. You can do it!!!
IAmFCA Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Dear Cang, I came back on eNotAlone to check on you. Have you left yet? Leave tonight or tomorrow morning if you haven't left already. Do not be afraid. When I left my abusive husband, I was terrified that I was throwing myself and my four little children off a cliff. That was not true. We took it one day at a time, and every one of us 5 is doing well and very happy now. On the day I left him, I told my mother, "This is the hardest, and the best, thing I have ever done." You will feel the same way when you leave him. Believe me. You can do it!!! Thank you so much for posting this. Your post is the definition of beauty.
redswim30 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I appreciate your honesty. I agree 100% I guess I am just hoping that if I hear enough people telling me in all of these situations I should move on; I get the courage to do so...its a scary and will certainly change my life. The first step is always the hardest. And, its a lot easier to stay then to move on to the unknown. I also like to write here to vent everything and get different perspectives and hopefully drill in my head the right decision; I don't really go and tell my family and friends about all of this its nice to have somewhere to talk. You shouldn't need anyone to tell you that this man is abusive. You experience it day in and day out. By staying with him, you are giving him the message that his behavior is okay with you. He is NOT going to change. I'm sorry, but abusers RARELY change. They do what he is doing, they apologize and make promises, but when real life starts back up, it's the same old behavior. You can find a man that will not abuse you. You are worth more than this. You also shouldn't need anyone to tell you that men (or women) who are consistently emotionally abusive have the STRONG potential to get physical one day. Think about this, this "fight" was about NOTHING since you didn't even GET the shoes. What if you disagreed about something truly important? I fear for what he might do, and you should too. Getting an annulment is a LOT easier than winding up in the hospital. Much easier to explain to your friends and family, too. I'm sure if you DID tell your friends and family, they too would be telling you to run away from this man as far and fast as you can. So, maybe you should. I was married to an emotionally abusive man. I knew it, was in denial and I too was scared to leave. Until the day he came thisclose to punching me in the face in a fit of anger. That was the wake up call I needed to take the next steps. And I was lucky, you may not be. Don't wait for your wake up call, do it NOW!!!!! Like others have suggested, this is a GOOD time to make the change. I would highly recommend having a safety plan in place, then calling a lawyer. Good luck!
youareworthy Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Dear Cang, I want you to try something for me. 1. Get a pen and paper, and go someplace quiet. (If your home isn't quiet enough, you could drive your car to a pretty park, and do this process either in your car, or out in nature. Wherever you choose, make sure you have privacy, so you can relax, and so if you needed to cry or yell out, you can do so without embarrassment.) 2. Take several really deep breaths, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. This brings oxygen to your brain, and calms your nervous system. 3. Close your eyes and say to yourself, "Why am I unwilling to leave my husband? What am I afraid of?" 4. Be very alert to the thoughts in your mind, and the fears in your gut. 5. Open your eyes and write down every thought. It is likely that you will have lots of thoughts, and you will have to write quickly. (Instead of writing, you could use the voice recording feature on your phone, and speak the thoughts out loud as a way of recording them all. Once you record everything you are thinking, you can then go back and listen to it, and write the thoughts out.) If you forget some of them before you can write them down, take some more deep breaths, and then ask yourself the questions a second time. 6. Some answers or thoughts will occur to you more than once. The first time you think a thought, write it down. The second time, just put a little check mark by the thought. Each time you have that same thought while doing this thought-recording session, put a check mark by it. (Often, the thoughts you hear repeated the most in your mind are the ones that are having the biggest influence on your behavior. For me, sheer repetition of a thought or of a spoken phrase is sometimes the ONLY signal to me that something is desperately important.) Here is an example of what the paper looked like when I did something similar: "What am I afraid will happen if I leave my abusive husband?" He will come after me and kill me. /// He will hate me forever. // I will be alone forever. //////// I will never find someone else who loves me. ///////// I will be totally exhausted taking care of four kids, working full-time, and going to grad school. ////// I will be poor. //// I will destroy my children's childhoods. /////// I don't know how I can afford to support myself and the kids. ///// What if it is the wrong decision? /////////// But most of his bad behavior has been because of a mental illness. ////////////////// I will regret this later, and I will never marry again. /// Eventually he will get better. /// Sometimes he is really nice. //// HERE IS THE EXCITING NEWS: The statements you wrote down are the thoughts that are keeping you trapped there. 7. Once you have this list, bring it to a therapist, a counselor at a battered spouse's center, or even this forum. The goal of bringing it to someone else is so that the person can help you identify the lies and the distortions in each thought you wrote down. The person you get to help you will help you write a response for each of your fears. (Do not bring this list to your husband, discuss it with him, or let him see it. He will do his best to reinforce anything that is keeping you there with him. Abusers are famous for talking their victims into and out of things, and he is the one who planted most of those lying ideas in your head in the first place.) 8. When those fears crop up, you pull out the list and its responses, and you read the response to yourself either in your head or out loud (out loud is more powerful, but may not be feasible in every circumstance). You should counteract EVERY OCCURRENCE of the untrue or distorted statements with the truth-based responses you and the therapist wrote. You are going to be retraining your mind, erasing the negative, hateful, abusive statements that are in your head. In a very short time, this process will empower you to leave, because you will begin to see the truth about your situation. (By the way, this process is part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is also used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Both therapies are in current use in the mental health field right now. They are the standards of care, in fact. They both have an excellent track record in helping people with a huge range of problems, and are super-powerful in helping you get healthy! Once you are healthy, you will then begin to attract healthy partners, not abusers. I pray you will try this! You have NOTHING to lose, and EVERYTHING TO GAIN by discovering the truth in your life. Please write to me on here and let me know how it turns out. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!! Sincerely, Youareworthy PS I am not a therapist; I was married to an abusive husband, and I have had tons of counseling, and have, thank heaven, learned a thing or two along the hard path.
Stay_home Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 How did you end up marrying a guy with these kind of anger issues? I'm sure this didn't come from out of the blue.
redswim30 Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 How did you end up marrying a guy with these kind of anger issues? I'm sure this didn't come from out of the blue. Not necessarily true. My ex-husband did not become abusive until after we got married. He thought he now "owned" me and had different unspoken expectations of a wife than he did of a gf/fiancé. I still don't know what happened or what made him do a personality 180. We had been together a long time before that, too. It was "marriage" that made him snap.
youareworthy Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 How did you end up marrying a guy with these kind of anger issues? I'm sure this didn't come from out of the blue. I assume you are addressing this question to the OP?
Binoo Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 This reminds me so much of my ex boyfriend it's giving me anxiety. Please leave. It will only get worse!
Wiseman2 Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Looking back, what red flags of an abuser did you see while you were dating?he continues to yell at me; "B*tch" and "Ass*ole" etc.The next day he apologized and was extra nice. I know he will have another bad temper again
Lester Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 Not fair SweetG, Wise was asking Cang a question. Don't worry, he's not turning anything around. Reflecting on anything is good! SweetG..., stay for awhile!
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