Tricky situation. Thoughts, tips, etc?

[Utheman777]

Usually i'm pretty good with relationships and how to handle situations the right way.. This is just such a tricky and weird situation that I've no clue what to do. LOL.

 

Help me out y'all!

 

I'm a guy in my 20's who was coming home from work this past June to visit my family and friends. While home I went to a big country music festival with my friends and met a gorgeous, sweet girl who was in her 20's as well. She was a friend of one of our friends and was camping with us at the concert. We hit it off at the big festival that weekend and found that we shared a lot of the same priorities and values and decided we would hangout outside of that weekend..

 

Turns out I got laid off from work for a while and received a great job offer back home, so this girl and I started spending time together. Come to find out she's in the end of a 4 year relationship with a guy who was a real piece of work.

 

Without really thinking about it we end up spending the next 2 months together almost every day, transitioning straight from her breakup. Neither of us planned on getting serious, we were just enjoying each others company, but feelings kind of crept up on us without us really knowing it or looking for them.

 

We both knew that she wasn't going to be ready for a relationship for quite some time, but without planning on it we were in a tricky 'dating-yet-not-dating' type of place.

 

After realizing what had happened she asked that we slow things down and be friends for now, because she didn't have any room to grow and better herself, and be single after the end of her 4 year relationship.

 

We both agreed that things happened so quickly with our tricky relationship because we felt an attraction toward each other that we hadn't with past relationships.

 

Now, a month or so after we agreed to be just friends 'for now' I'm at a weird spot, not knowing how to keep that crazy attraction there while not overstepping the 'friends' boundary too often, and also not knowing how close I should keep her.

 

I tried to do no contact, but she couldn't handle it because she missed me so much. Clearly we're attracted to each other and care for each other, and the only reason we aren't together right now is because she mentally isn't ready for anything really serious so soon.

 

Not sure how to keep her close enough as a friend for a year or so and keep the attraction alive enough so that when she is ready we wont have totally friendzoned one another.

 

Also looking at the brightside we're really getting to build a strong friendship before what hopefully will be a strong relationship and partnership in the future.

 

Just confused on what to do in this tricky situation to stay friends while staying with the relational attraction too.

 

The tricky part is that I DID cut it off because I started seeing that I looked like the classic rebound, but after I cut it off SHE came back to me initiating contact by telling me she needs me in her life and if we can keep as friends then she will be ready for a relationship as soon as she has a while to figure out what she's doing with her life.

 

So I saw that I was a rebound...she couldn't handle the separation and asked me to come back..we've been going as "friends" for a month or two now and kiss every time we see each other, etc.. Confusing lol

[mhowe]

You are still the rebound.

[Helpexpressme]

I also think you are the rebound. She's still too into her ex.

[Utheman777]

She broke up with him because he was abusive, and hasn't talked to him in almost 6 mos at this point..does that change anything??

[mhowe]

No. Because she is using you to get over him. Not for knowing you.

[Utheman777]

No. Because she is using you to get over him. Not for knowing you.

 

Yeah, just kind of hard to accept I guess. Never met a chick that I've had so much in common with or had feelings for like this. Our fams even like each other haha. Just a crappy situation I guess.. Anyway you think I should try to do no contact for 6 months or so and see if something happens? Never been in this situation before, it's all new to me unfortunately

[SpottiOtti]

I know you are really into her, so you are seeing her through the rose-colored glasses. And I understand that she's really into you, too, and it's hard to do the "honorable" thing when you are so attracted to a person. But what she's doing to you is kind of crappy. She basically wants you close enough that she doesn't have to go through the breakup process alone (hence the frantic "Wait! Come back!" phone calls/texts), and also close enough that you are unable/unwilling to move on to anyone else, but not close enough that you can get the kind of intimacy you want, or close enough that she has to be emotionally accountable to you.

 

I get where you are both coming from, but it's a crappy situation she's put you in. And she's choosing to put you in it - you tried to walk away when you realized she wasn't ready for a proper relationship, but she reeled you back in.

 

I tend to think that she's making noises of protestation, but that if you two just keep doing what you're doing, you'll end up together organically. Might you be the rebound? Sure, but that doesn't mean what she feels for you isn't genuine or that your connection isn't genuine.

[Utheman777]

That makes a lot of sense... Guess I've never thought of it in that light.

 

I was really enjoying that we've been just going with it and staying friends and really getting to connect on a partnership level rather than just a relational level, but I guess the old habits of wanting to jump into something keep getting in the way.

[boltnrun]

If he was truly abusive she needs therapy to work past and through the abuse.

 

Also to find out why she stayed for an abusive man for four years.

 

Until she gets help to deal with this...she's not ready for a romantic relationship with anybody.

[musicman777]

Utheman I looked at your username for a second and though someone hijacked my account..

 

I agree with Spotti's comment btw, not much to add there. Good luck.

[BigKK]

recently broke up from a 4 year abusive relationship? I don't care how attractive she is, and how much we have in common... I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole, it just means trouble. Sure someone can come along and tell an anecdote how they were their wive's rebound but for the most part. It starts out great, and tends to fizzle, and you end up dealing with her unresolved issues for months or years.

[Loriana]

I don't doubt that she probably does have genuine feelings for you and doesn't want to lose you. But, at the same time it's unfair on her part to expect you to wait until she is ready for a relationship.

 

It's as Spotti said she isn't ready for a relationship, but at the same time she doesn't want you to be with anyone else. It's unfair, what do you want out of all of this? Are you happy to wait around until she figures her life out? What if she figures her life out and she decides she just wants to be friends? Then you would have waited around for nothing when you could have moved on. I think these are some of the things you should think about.

[SooSad33]

She broke up with him because he was abusive, and hasn't talked to him in almost 6 mos at this point..does that change anything??

 

She still need to deal with HER emotions & her past.

She needs to 'accept that their relationship is done and heal from that experience'. It can take many months to do this... and to become herself again before she can 'give' again to someone else.

 

If she's jumping from a LTR into another one right away, that's rebounding. It won't last.

 

Your best bet is to give her space and respect her 'position' at this time.

 

Can you handle 'friends' only?

[overthemoon86]

Just because he was abusive, doesn't mean that she will get over him with the blink of an eye...she still needs to heal. She jumped into a "relationship" with you because that is what is comfortable for her. Then she still felt the emotions of her old relationship. She needs time to herself and time to understand what happened. I suggest you back off from her...I don't even know if a friendship is a possibility right now because you have already crossed that line. Don't be someone's rebound.

[SoulTaker]

Yeah, just kind of hard to accept I guess. Never met a chick that I've had so much in common with or had feelings for like this. Our fams even like each other haha. Just a crappy situation I guess.. Anyway you think I should try to do no contact for 6 months or so and see if something happens? Never been in this situation before, it's all new to me unfortunately

 

The responses that you've received are on the mark. The question now is on how to proceed in the near future. It will be best to go NC with her. She needs to separate you from the ex. She doesn't have the maturity, or experience to do this, so it will have to be you.

 

She should only contact you when her mind is settled, and is over the ex. How long that will take, no one knows. This is a dilemma because you will be in a "holding pattern", and life is too short to be not moving forward with your life. If you decide to wait on her, then you'll need to set a time deadline and move on if the clock expires on her.

[youareworthy]

I'm at a weird spot, not knowing how to keep that crazy attraction there while not overstepping the 'friends' boundary too often, and also not knowing how close I should keep her.

 

Not sure how to keep her close enough as a friend for a year or so and keep the attraction alive enough so that when she is ready we wont have totally friend-zoned one another.

 

Don't worry about "keeping the attraction alive." If this woman and you are a good match, you will be pleasantly surprised to find that the attraction will still be there after she is through recovering. And if the attraction is gone, then you will know that the attraction was based on things that are not long-lasting.

 

I agree that she needs to get counseling first before getting involved with you. She is in a "window of vulnerability" and needs to get through that before being in a serious relationship. Her radar for healthy relationships is compromised right now.

 

Also, healthy people attract healthy people, and people with issues attract people with issues. If she was with an abusive person, she needs to address her issues so she will be healthy enough for a healthy relationship.

 

She suggested the break because she knows in her gut what is right for you guys at this time. She reopened communication because you two have created daily habits of communication; you've been her "rock," and letting you go right now is very scary to her. Although she did choose contact you, I personally don't sense she is intentionally trying to ensnare or manipulate you. I think she is just really hurting, and scared to go through this recovery time alone.

 

Encourage her that she is courageous and strong enough to do this work with a therapist. She was strong enough to survive, and then let go of, a "piece of work" guy. And encourage her to reach out to her women friends and trusted family members to help her through this period.

 

Once I brought a meal to a new widower and his children. We realized he and I have a lot in common; he was interested in me immediately. I liked him a lot, but I knew it was way too soon. After a three months of intense phone calls, conversations, and a couple evenings of kissing, I told him we needed a 6-month break to give him time to recover. Not contacting him those 6 months was pretty tough, but I got through it. At the 6-month mark, he was no longer interested in me, and had already been having sex with at least two women. I was glad we took the break, because it showed me that what we had was not the real thing.

 

If this woman is for you, she will still be yours after she takes the time to recover. If not, you will both see this as time unfolds. Relax and trust the process.

[Utheman777]

I'm at a weird spot, not knowing how to keep that crazy attraction there while not overstepping the 'friends' boundary too often, and also not knowing how close I should keep her.

 

Not sure how to keep her close enough as a friend for a year or so and keep the attraction alive enough so that when she is ready we wont have totally friend-zoned one another.

 

Don't worry about "keeping the attraction alive." If this woman and you are a good match, you will be pleasantly surprised to find that the attraction will still be there after she is through recovering. And if the attraction is gone, then you will know that the attraction was based on things that are not long-lasting.

 

I agree that she needs to get counseling first before getting involved with you. She is in a "window of vulnerability" and needs to get through that before being in a serious relationship. Her radar for healthy relationships is compromised right now.

 

Also, healthy people attract healthy people, and people with issues attract people with issues. If she was with an abusive person, she needs to address her issues so she will be healthy enough for a healthy relationship.

 

She suggested the break because she knows in her gut what is right for you guys at this time. She reopened communication because you two have created daily habits of communication; you've been her "rock," and letting you go right now is very scary to her. Although she did choose contact you, I personally don't sense she is intentionally trying to ensnare or manipulate you. I think she is just really hurting, and scared to go through this recovery time alone.

 

Encourage her that she is courageous and strong enough to do this work with a therapist. She was strong enough to survive, and then let go of, a "piece of work" guy. And encourage her to reach out to her women friends and trusted family members to help her through this period.

 

Once I brought a meal to a new widower and his children. We realized he and I have a lot in common; he was interested in me immediately. I liked him a lot, but I knew it was way too soon. After a three months of intense phone calls, conversations, and a couple evenings of kissing, I told him we needed a 6-month break to give him time to recover. Not contacting him those 6 months was pretty tough, but I got through it. At the 6-month mark, he was no longer interested in me, and had already been having sex with at least two women. I was glad we took the break, because it showed me that what we had was not the real thing.

 

If this woman is for you, she will still be yours after she takes the time to recover. If not, you will both see this as time unfolds. Relax and trust the process.

 

 

Wow. That is one of the better, if not the best, educated suggestions I've ever had the pleasure to read. You make a lot of valid points and great sense.

 

Thanks for taking the time to type all of that out, it means a lot!

[Ms Darcy]

My boyfriend was abusive ... is an awful easy way to gain sympathy.

[Utheman777]

My boyfriend was abusive ... is an awful easy way to gain sympathy.

 

 

But the thing is, she isn't trying to gain sympathy.. She doesn't complain about her past relationship and doesn't act needy or anything. That's what attracts me to her, she is strong and independent. I've never heard a complaint from her. It's kind of an 'is what it is' situation with her ex and she just plain isn't ready to be 100% emotionally invested into another relationship.. That's the hard part. The waiting game, because I see so much potential there for us.

[SoulTaker]

But the thing is, she isn't trying to gain sympathy.. She doesn't complain about her past relationship and doesn't act needy or anything. That's what attracts me to her, she is strong and independent. I've never heard a complaint from her. It's kind of an 'is what it is' situation with her ex and she just plain isn't ready to be 100% emotionally invested into another relationship.. That's the hard part. The waiting game, because I see so much potential there for us.

 

The strong and independent women that I know, made it clear at the start that they won't put up with any abuse, and followed through with leaving when it happened.

 

she didn't stay in a 4 yr abusive relationship, due to the attributes you applied to her. There's something else going on with her, that you can't sweep under the rug. Yes, the waiting game is the toughest part, which is why I mentioned for you to have a time deadline.

 

She's giving you mixed signals, which is a problem. She wants to stay close to you, while getting over her abusive relationship. She can't have it both ways, as you well know. You have to take charge. She's already spent 2 months with you, so it ain't like she's starting from scratch (unless she wants to keep her options open).

[Utheman777]

The strong and independent women that I know, made it clear at the start that they won't put up with any abuse, and followed through with leaving when it happened.

 

she didn't stay in a 4 yr abusive relationship, due to the attributes you applied to her. There's something else going on with her, that you can't sweep under the rug. Yes, the waiting game is the toughest part, which is why I mentioned for you to have a time deadline.

 

She's giving you mixed signals, which is a problem. She wants to stay close to you, while getting over her abusive relationship. She can't have it both ways, as you well know. You have to take charge. She's already spent 2 months with you, so it ain't like she's starting from scratch (unless she wants to keep her options open).

 

 

I've been through a couple of bad relationships, and been through some bad breakups (we all have) where we just didn't have the same interests and values to last, but I can't bring myself to walk from this girl completely because that's not the case with her. What's more is that I don't want to.

 

So would you advise that I give the situation a deadline, and go NC if things don't progress by that time?

[Ms Darcy]

The strong and independent women that I know, made it clear at the start that they won't put up with any abuse, and followed through with leaving when it happened.

 

she didn't stay in a 4 yr abusive relationship, due to the attributes you applied to her. There's something else going on with her, that you can't sweep under the rug. Yes, the waiting game is the toughest part, which is why I mentioned for you to have a time deadline.

 

She's giving you mixed signals, which is a problem. She wants to stay close to you, while getting over her abusive relationship. She can't have it both ways, as you well know. You have to take charge. She's already spent 2 months with you, so it ain't like she's starting from scratch (unless she wants to keep her options open).

 

Actually, I completely agree. I'm not saying people don't stay in abusive relationships but the woman you have presented as strong and independent is contradictory.

 

I think you are a rebound. Her feelings for you are mired in fear of being alone. So, she's hooked on you in an unhealthy way as she was with her ex. Transferring feelings from one to the other.

 

I wouldn't even think of this in terms of "no contact" lingo - as if you are healing from a relationship. It's not. It's just hopes and dreams. I suggest telling her not to contact you until she's completely over her ex, has gotten some help for the abuse, and is ready to explore a relationship. If you are serious and stay out of touch with her, you will see if she's serious about you.

[youareworthy]

Dear Utheman777,

 

It was my pleasure. I am grateful that the painful lessons of my life can be of use to others. I feel you are both well-intentioned and loving, and there are good things in store for both of you, whether together or apart. Be at peace.

 

You Are Worthy

[SoulTaker]

I've been through a couple of bad relationships, and been through some bad breakups (we all have) where we just didn't have the same interests and values to last, but I can't bring myself to walk from this girl completely because that's not the case with her. What's more is that I don't want to.

 

So would you advise that I give the situation a deadline, and go NC if things don't progress by that time?

 

I would go with Darcy's direction. Break it down to her why you need to give her the space she needs to be healthy again. If there's any chance of a future relationship with this woman, it needs to start on a sound foundation.