I'm 23 why have I never grown up!! (Should I give my ex space?)

[allofyou]

I have been in a lot of relationships since the age of 12.

I was always this insecure girl, afraid of my bf cheating on me, always paranoid about horrible things that could happen in a relationship. I was never good at handling fights with my ex boyfriends.

Whenever we had fights, whenever I felt sad and defeated, I always wanted to push them away by breaking up and saying hurtful things that I didn't mean to.

Until the age of 18, I got cheated on badly and became even more insecure. I started to date a lot of random guys and then hated myself for that afterwards.

Recently me and my ex were having a lot of problems.

Last week we were still ok, but I had a major mental breakdown and asked him to block me everywhere. I thought this relationship was beyond repair but deep down I always had hopes.

After almost two years of being together, and 6 months of being on and off, I pushed him away. But I came back after 5 days of NC. He was crushed, upset. I thought he didn't love me anymore and wanted to ignore me. Turns out his email didnt get through so I thought he wanted to avoid me. I said a lot of hurtful things to him as a result.

Three days ago he was still calling me love name through email. I didn't get that.

On Saturday, I was so upset and heartbroken, thought the man I loved for almost two years just left me without saying a word. I said a lot of hurtful things to him through texts. I ripped all his cards and took pictures and sent them to him. I was so sad I even cut myself just to ease the pain. And later on we had a sad phone call to end things.

Today I apologised again to him but he said it is over. He said he was too sad to deal with this or be in a relationship with me.

After 23 years of being alive, I feel like an immature brat. I didn't know how to handle relationships properly. I was selfish.

I calmed down a lot more now after he said it's over through texts. I feel that I deserve feeling hurt. If I were him I probably would've dumped me months ago. I just hate myself for being the biggest in the world.

 

What should I do? Should I give him space and wait for him to talk to me again?

[heartbroken011]

First of all, don't ever result to hurting yourself! Always talk to someone about your feelings instead of taking them out on your body, or write them down on paper, any other outlet rather than self harm. I do think you should give him space, he is probably very hurt from this whole situation as are you and you guys might have another bad conversation and say things you don't mean when you're both hurt. Something that I have found that works for me when I am upset is to not act upon it right away because I always end up doing or saying something that I regret. When this comes up again and you are upset instead of acting on it right away wait a little. You might feel crazy and feel like you have to say something right away but don't. Talk to your friends about it first and see their opinion on it. Or think about the situation and ask yourself if you are acting rational or how would you feel if he did this to you, or wait a couple hours until you've calmed down and see if you still want to say it to the person.

[allofyou]

Thank you very much for your advice.

Fortunately the scissor i used was not sharp enough so I didn't hurt myself too much.

I think he is definitely very very hurt. He never really didn't want to talk or say 'it's over' in a serious manner so I'm really scared that this is really the end.

I do hope he will calm down and talk to me again. I wouldn't be surprised he doesn't though cause I was being so horrible Sometimes I felt like hurting people just because I was hurt.

I am going to give him space now but what happens next?

[jobelle]

I think you should give him space.

But most importantly I think you should probably stay away from relationships for a while and work on yourself. Have you considered doing therapy? I think you're dealing with a lot of underlying issues that need to be taken care of before you start a relationship again.