boltnrun Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 She absolutely will use kicking you out as a way to make sure you do every single little thing she wants you to do, or else. I can see her using the kids as weapons too. And once you have kids with her, she has complete control over you, because most parents will do just about anything to keep seeing their kids. Your life will be lived in a locked cage, with her holding the key, if you marry her. I cannot even fathom why you're considering buying a ring and proposing to her. Does some part of you like being controlled?
HeartGoesOn Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Don't be surprised if she traps you with an "oops, I'm pregnant." Be aware, as this is a common occurrence when one is as desperate as she seems to be.
Ethan1979 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Well I had a night away. She hasn't contacted me, I haven't contacted her. She's expecting me home tonight, but I'm not going to do that. If I say I need or want more time, she'll push for an outcome. I'm lost.
LC8328 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 And marrying her isn't going to fix what is really ailing her. It'll give her what she wants now, but it won't really solve the problem as to why she is behaving as she is. This is absolutely correct. OP, you need to understand something. This is how your life will go if you stay with this woman: 1. You get married. She's happy. 2. If she doesn't get pregnant within the first month of marriage, she'll start having tantrums. 3. If she does get pregnant soon, congratulations! She'll be all this and more, even more hormonal, more insecurity, more crying, more demands. 4. She will demand you paint the baby's room exactly the way she wants it in the exact shade, or you don't love her. 5. When the kids are teenagers, she will demand they go to a very particular summer camp, because everyone else's kids are doing it, and she doesn't want to be left out. Oh, you wanted to take the kids traveling? Too bad. She wants them at a day camp. And as you know, what she says, goes. She'll start crying and saying you don't love her. 6. If you pay TOO much attention to the kids, she'll also cry because she'll wonder why you aren't paying her any attention? Oh, your son was sick? So what? 7. From the day you marry her until the day you divorce her (or die - pick one), your life will be day after day of, "You shifted your eyes to the left when you spoke to me! That means you don't love me!" I could go on and on, but hopefully you get my point.
redswim30 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 WOW. Yeah, please do not marry this nut job. If you plan to marry, why not just say you are engaged? You don't need a ring to be engaged unless you are shallow. She's very content to plan your life as if you are her property, and not a person she loves and respect who has equal say in your PARTNERSHIP. You aren't partners, she's the Captain and you're the cargo. She's taking you along for her life journey that she controls and you have zero say in. If that's the way you want to spend the rest of your life, go ahead. But make no mistake, she has no intentions of letting you steer or even "come up on deck" anytime soon. She wants THINGS- A house, a baby, a husband to make a nice little "life picture" to show off to everyone. She wants to be married, but I'm not really sure she cares that you are the groom, as long as she can make her pretty picture come to life and ASAP too! A marriage doesn't end with a ceremony, Having a baby together doesn't stop after birth, and buying a home is not equal to building a home. She's thinking of what she wants in the moment, not recognizing that the effort that comes after is even MORE important and needs to be done with a PARTNER, not a slave that bows down to your every demand. She only cares about herself. If you want to marry someone who treats you as an afterthought, that's up to you. Ask yourself this for arguments sake- If a super handsome man(but a stranger she knew nothing about) came along TODAY and was willing to give her everything this moment- Marriage, children, a house. Would she pick him over you? If you think it would even be a remote possibility, that should tell you that you are just a placeholder and how little you mean to her as an actual PERSON.
tattoobunnie Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Never bothered reading your previous posts, although, in catching up, she takes the cake. Has she always been like this?
Snny Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Marriage and kids do level you out. Someone has to be the grown-ups. I wish all parent-teacher conferences went this way. Another vote in the OP drops this chick. She is suffocating.
tattoobunnie Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Marriage and kids make a difference. While some people still stay immature, kids put a lot of things in perspective. If they haven't changed you in any way, you probably don't have kids yourself.
boltnrun Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Marriage and kids make a difference. While some people still stay immature, kids put a lot of things in perspective. If they haven't changed you in any way, you probably don't have kids yourself. I know plenty of people with kids who didn't "grow up". One example is the woman who had 3 kids with 3 different men, dumped all 3 on her parents to raise, then continued to go out partying. Another example is the guy I know who has 5 children with 4 different women and who doesn't pay child support for any of them. Or, my own "father". Who was a deadbeat who didn't support his children. Nope, having kids does NOT turn anyone into an instant grownup. And it won't turn the OP's girlfriend into someone who is unselfish and not preoccupied with appearances.
tattoobunnie Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Well, do you have any kids of your own? Not everyone is a deadbeat. Sorry you know a whole bunch including your own dad.
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Well, do you have any kids of your own? Not everyone is a deadbeat. Sorry you know a whole bunch including your own dad. I didn't read that post to suggest everyone is a deadbeat, just the (in my opinion insightful) point that having kids doesn't necessarily trigger the parent to behave in a more mature or responsible way. It's a choice just like other life situations that call for increased maturity -first real job/moving out/starting grad school/getting a driver's license - some step up to the plate, some see it as a trigger to "grow up", others do not or do not make that choice. I think it's VERY dangerous for example even to imply to a teenager that having a baby will help him/her grow up. I know of teenagers who believe that and it's so risky to the resulting child.
tattoobunnie Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 A child can be mature. An adult can be a complete child. But a child can't be a grown-up. Growing up is assuming accountability and responsibility. Implying that someone needs to be the grown-up, simply means someone has to be a grown-up. It doesn't mean that some people don't marry Peter Pans, man-childs, or spoiled brats. Look, I didn't read his earlier posts about the OP's lady, so I responded based on what I know, and what this post in particular shared. Selfish people, it sucks when you have them in your life. But I'll say again, having kids is amazing even though when you do have them, you can totally get why Homer Simpson was choking Bart. Whether or not a person's goal is to have them, and I totally respect that;Got plenty of friends who have zero plans for kids. But minus the people that throw babies in dumpsters, and your average deadbeat, getting married and having kids will change your life. With regards to the OP, it makes me wonder, if she's been like this the whole time, why has he stayed? I mean, it's been three years, so there had to have been something more to the story.
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Of course a child can't be a grown up but having a child doesn't make a child-like grown-up automatically grow up. "getting married and having kids will change your life" Of course and so will: completing grad school, moving out for the first time, traveling solo, getting a challenging job, relocating after 4 decades in one city (pick me!) and also deciding not to have kids ever- especially if that decision is well thought out and challenging to make. And of course getting married or having a child is a HUGE life change -agree totally. I do not agree on your assumption that it will trigger someone to be more responsible, mature or more of a grown up. Having kids is amazing - I agree! If a person didn't plan to have a child but has a child as a result of an accident (or a rape, or a death in the family -i.e. an unplanned adoption or foster situation) then that child has a higher risk of not being cared for appropriately -many step up to the plate in that kind of situation - but it is not presumably "amazing" to become a parent when that was not the plan. For some that situation would be horrifying, not amazing and the result might be adopting the child out or perhaps choosing an abortion - I would never want to impose my belief that parenting is "amazing" on someone who does not want to be a parent. Obviously a child isn't a grown up -not sure where that gets you other than stating a well-known fact. If you're also stating the well-known fact that a grown-up is defined as someone over 18 (or 21) then sure -your previous posts had the opinion that having a child triggers an increase in the qualities of maturity and responsibility. I don't agree with that blanket generalization at all.
tattoobunnie Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 completing grad school, moving out for the first time, traveling solo, getting a challenging job, relocating after 4 decades in one city (pick me!) and also deciding not to have kids ever Yeah...but I'm trying to stick on topic that relates to the OP with regards to marriage and having kids...not talking about the other ways people grow in life.
Hermes Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 As OP says: "She wants to be married, pregnant and a homeowner by the end of 2016 (her exact words) and I feel like I'm treated as an impediment instead of a partner." She makes it sound as if it were a building project (gee, got to get the place roofed before Winter sets in!!).
Batya33 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Yeah...but I'm trying to stick on topic that relates to the OP with regards to marriage and having kids...not talking about the other ways people grow in life. Yes, as am I and in my opinion comparisons are entirely relevant to respond sufficiently to the opinions you gave about triggering responsibility and maturity. I am only mentioning them as a point of comparison, to clarify my response to your opinion -not as a separate discussion. You selectively quoted me in your response. The OP is dealing with a situation where his girlfriend seems to have overall issues with maturity and not just on the areas of goals of marriage and family -from his description my suggestion would be that he consider that her behavior in these situations likely will be replicated in other similar situations.
tattoobunnie Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Yes, and I agreed with you, especially after hearing about additional information to the situation.
redswim30 Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 OP, it sounds like your gf is the type to think " Once I have *this or that* I will be happy." The problem with this mindset is that happiness comes from within, not from things. If you aren't happy and grateful person by nature, then getting married or having kids or owning a home is not going to magically "turn you" into that person. These things can contribute to one's happiness, sure. But people who say " I need THIS to be happy" often remain unhappy people because once they have one item off the list, they look to the next one. All the while not realizing that true happiness does not come from acquiring things, but from appreciating those things that you do have. She does not seem to be appreciating you, OP. So, she gets her house. What's next? I'll be happy when I have a BIGGER house. Or a nicer house. Or a house in a better neighborhood. So, she has her kids. I'll be happy when I no longer have to change diapers. When I don't have to hire a babysitter. When the kids outgrow their teens years. When we have the house to ourselves. So, you get married. You get my point. There is nothing wrong with wanting things, but not to the point where you are mistreating those who love you and holding present happiness hostage until all your desires are made reality. That's a dangerous mindset. Besides, along with the positives of all these things also come challenges. Your GF so reminds me of this fairytale. Beware ungrateful people, rarely do they learn to appreciate and enjoy what they ALREADY have.
Hermes Posted October 28, 2015 Posted October 28, 2015 Yes, Redswim! "The problem with this mindset is that happiness comes from within, not from things. If you aren't happy and grateful person by nature, then getting married or having kids or owning a home is not going to magically "turn you" into that person. "
Ethan1979 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 I moved out. It's over. I'm living with a friend for a few weeks until I can find a new place. I'm missing my dog, it's so heartbreaking to know that I probably won't see our pup again.
mhowe Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 When you miss the dog more than the other person, it's a sign that moving out was the right thing to do.
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