Ethan1979 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I need some advice. I've been with my partner for almost three years. We have had ups and downs, but have mostly been happy. We've been living together for almost two years and the problem we are having now is she wants to be engaged. By the end of this month to be specific. I lost my job in August so financially I haven't been able to get a ring or anything like that which I communicated to her and she understood. The issue is that she's so anxious about it, it plagues every conversation. No matter what I tell her my intentions are, she's assuming that I'm blowing it off. Even though I tell her that I'm going to do it. I said by the end of October. Ring or no ring. By the first weekend of the month she was crying because the month was "half over". I can't propose when she's upset, which is almost every day. The kicker is last night. I was going to propose, even made a trip out of town, just the two of us. I went to the store and got a call from my twin brother: he got engaged. I was so happy for him, I didn't even tell him that I was doing it that day too (it's a twin thing). I get back to the hotel and my girlfriend was upset. She read the announcement on Facebook and wanted to know what that meant for us. I tried to reassure her that it doesn't change anything about us, but again, it doesn't feel right to propose when she's upset about not being engaged. We were doing so well, now she's saying that the month is over and she can't do it anymore. "You let me down". This was after she wanted to know when my brothers wedding was and I told her it was September. She then said we have to get married before that because she doesn't want to be pregnant at her own wedding... I said it is something we have to discuss because my family can't travel from another country twice in one year. She then said we could elope, the wedding doesn't matter... I can't seem to get it right with her about this. I'm honest and I communicate everything, but I hit the wall of her expectations every time. I want to marry her, but not based on the pressure of her own anxiety. I'm so lost, I'm kind of numb. She wants to be married, pregnant and a homeowner by the end of 2016 (her exact words) and I feel like I'm treated as an impediment instead of a partner.
Missed Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 What about what you want? She is backing you into a corner and when she doesn't get her own way she cries.. You need to stand up for yourself here! Talk to her for starter then make a decision which way you want this all to go. Also do you want to live with her attitude for the rest of your life?
heartbroken011 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Is she pregnant right now? If not what do you think is the reason why she wants to get married so soon? It seems like you are communicating well and making it clear to her that you want to marry her. I also agree that you don't want to propose when she is upset. I think she should be more understanding about this whole situation going on.
electricorchid Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 It sounds like she's desperate, because she's planned out her future a specific way and she's not understanding why it hasn't gone exactly her way. The truth is, that life doesn't sometimes go the way we plan! Thats why it's called life. As long as you've made it clear to her that there's no other girl, that you want her to be your only, and you want to marry her in the future I don't see what the problem is. on her side, being a little bit more patient. I personally know a friend who's been dating a man for 4 years and they're STILL not engaged, and she's a little upset.. because in her head.. she thinks it's about time. And I agree with her, 4 years is a long long time. The thing is we woman think you aren't taking us seriously enough when you wait that long of a time span. But considering your situation, you have to make that clear to her if you actually want to marry her. You're right, this isn't something that you have to feel rushed about.... If she really thinks she can rush you, then she's being highly immature. That's it
Ethan1979 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I'm running out of ways to tell her that. I told her that I was running errands and I'll be back. I've been gone for only three hours, doing what I said I was going to do. She calls and texts wanting to know if I was coming home, that I've been gone for six hours, that I can't do that to her... I'm going home now to her and she's already crying and angry and I have to apologize or something? It's that rigidity and assumption that is killing me. Now I didn't run errands, I have to prove that I wasn't simply avoiding her. FML.
mhowe Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Your life with this woman will be an unending decades of this. You are insane if you propose to her.
Theniceone Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You keep posting how unhappy you are with her, yet you are willing to propose?
mhowe Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You have 4 threads since the beginning of the year about anxiety and pressure. You need to take a stand and tell her to get into therapy BEFORE you will get engaged.
melancholy123 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I think there's something seriously wrong with her for being so incredibly insecure and demanding that you propose to her by month's end and all that crying! She'd drive me nuts. What's going on with her? Do you know? Now that your bro is engaged life with her is going to get worse. I'd be telling her to get some help to find out why she's so needy and desperate to be engaged. Is she the last of her female friends to be single? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her if this is how she is going to be? I dont predict a long and happy life with her if she doesnt get a handle on her emotions soon.
SooSad33 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I agree,, she needs help and i would NOT be proposing to her with that attitude. For one.. no on should be 'comparing' their life to anyone elses. Two- you should be proposing to her only when you want to & feel like you actually want to.. not being forced to! Do not give in to this kind of tude by your partner. this is childish type behaviour. And then you get told off about running errands? is this how you want the next 20 yrs to be?
musicman777 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 She wants to be married, pregnant and a homeowner by the end of 2016 (her exact words) and I feel like I'm treated as an impediment instead of a partner. Kick her to the curb and find someone new. [-(
overthemoon86 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 She is just using you as a stand in...she doesn't want to be married to you...she just wants to be married. There is a HUGE difference. The fact that she is pressuring you so much is a sign of insecurity. I would break up with this girl, you don't want to be married to someone who is this demanding.
tattoobunnie Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 There are countless woman who after they move in with someone expect to be proposed to very shortly. I guarantee what you weren't seeing is that she's been driving her friends crazy or herself crazy for the past few years. And once you get engaged, BAM, they become completely normal happy-go-lucky people again. As much as we want to blame the woman, it's hard when you hear a never-ending river from friends, families, and ever strangers, "so when you're getting married?" How do I know this? I've been the friend that has to tell them nothing, even though I know very well their guy is planning on proposing and not soon, but have dates in mind, but gets pushed back because someone else in the family got engaged. If I were you, I'd talk to your mom or grandma, and ask for their ring, get it sized, and just let her know it's happening in the next few months, that you know she wants to feel reassured, but you want it to be romantic, and a surprise, and that if she can accept that, and when you do ask, it'll be much more special.
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 There are countless woman who after they move in with someone expect to be proposed to very shortly. I guarantee what you weren't seeing is that she's been driving her friends crazy or herself crazy for the past few years. And once you get engaged, BAM, they become completely normal happy-go-lucky people again. As much as we want to blame the woman, it's hard when you hear a never-ending river from friends, families, and ever strangers, "so when you're getting married?" How do I know this? I've been the friend that has to tell them nothing, even though I know very well their guy is planning on proposing and not soon, but have dates in mind, but gets pushed back because someone else in the family got engaged. If I were you, I'd talk to your mom or grandma, and ask for their ring, get it sized, and just let her know it's happening in the next few months, that you know she wants to feel reassured, but you want it to be romantic, and a surprise, and that if she can accept that, and when you do ask, it'll be much more special. I don't think it's a good idea to get engaged to someone who reacts to that kind of "pressure" by behaving that way. There are many situation like that where friends and family pressure- engagement, wedding, babies, houses - and you need to be with someone who is not going to fall apart to this extent from "pressure" like that. Of course we don't know if this is really the case but if it is that gives you clues into what she is made of. I took the long way around (i.e. the Dixie Chicks song) so I had plenty of pressure since I didn't marry or have a child till my early 40s and I had to find adult ways to deal with well-meaning but pushy types. I still do "so, what about another child??" etc.
tattoobunnie Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 While I definitely agree that you don't want to enable cray cray behavior, I have known countless, I mean countless women who behaved like this, and once they got engaged, became normal again. And they all all happily married with kids now. It's one thing if a couple just started dating. But when your committed partner of years says "soon," it's like the cray cray is all consuming.
overthemoon86 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 There are countless woman who after they move in with someone expect to be proposed to very shortly. I guarantee what you weren't seeing is that she's been driving her friends crazy or herself crazy for the past few years. And once you get engaged, BAM, they become completely normal happy-go-lucky people again. As much as we want to blame the woman, it's hard when you hear a never-ending river from friends, families, and ever strangers, "so when you're getting married?" How do I know this? I've been the friend that has to tell them nothing, even though I know very well their guy is planning on proposing and not soon, but have dates in mind, but gets pushed back because someone else in the family got engaged. If I were you, I'd talk to your mom or grandma, and ask for their ring, get it sized, and just let her know it's happening in the next few months, that you know she wants to feel reassured, but you want it to be romantic, and a surprise, and that if she can accept that, and when you do ask, it'll be much more special. I totally understand what your mean by this and I think moving the relationship forward is important, but this girl sounds extreme. She is putting an unrealistic deadline that is pretty much an ultimatum and crying at every interaction because there hasn't been a proposal. I am not sure about this one.
Batya33 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 While I definitely agree that you don't want to enable cray cray behavior, I have known countless, I mean countless women who behaved like this, and once they got engaged, became normal again. And they all all happily married with kids now. It's one thing if a couple just started dating. But when your committed partner of years says "soon," it's like the cray cray is all consuming. Not a fan of this image of women as out of control (meaning behavior-wise not emotions) when waiting for a ring -reinforces tired old stereotypes. And sure they are "happily married with kids" except you're not inside their relationships and do not know how that type of acting out presents itself in other areas and how it impacts the power dynamic, etc. Obviously there are ranges of behavior/reactions/outbursts.
boltnrun Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 For the love of God, this woman breaks out into a tantrum of tears if he doesn't kiss her the second he walks in the door, even when he has both of his arms full. It's all about her, her her. She isn't going to morph into someone sane the second she gets a ring on her finger. Next she'll be demanding a new home and a baby right away. Oh wait, she's already demanding those things!
itsallgrand Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 There are countless woman who after they move in with someone expect to be proposed to very shortly. I guarantee what you weren't seeing is that she's been driving her friends crazy or herself crazy for the past few years. And once you get engaged, BAM, they become completely normal happy-go-lucky people again. As much as we want to blame the woman, it's hard when you hear a never-ending river from friends, families, and ever strangers, "so when you're getting married?" How do I know this? I've been the friend that has to tell them nothing, even though I know very well their guy is planning on proposing and not soon, but have dates in mind, but gets pushed back because someone else in the family got engaged. If I were you, I'd talk to your mom or grandma, and ask for their ring, get it sized, and just let her know it's happening in the next few months, that you know she wants to feel reassured, but you want it to be romantic, and a surprise, and that if she can accept that, and when you do ask, it'll be much more special. I can't say it enough. It's totally on the person who assumes that moving in means anything other than what has been agreed upon between the couple when they decide to move in together. Whether that means commitment, an engagement in the near future, or something else. Moving in does not automatically mean marriage is on the horizon and if someone decides to create that expectation and behave from that expectation going forward, that is on them. There is something terribly off with this woman, sorry. She is fixated on getting married, not who she is actually going to marry nor the relationship. And I don't buy that people become crazy before marriage because they are expecting it and it doesn't come when they want, and then suddenly when they get married, all of sudden they are level people. No way in hell. If someone would take that into something as important as marriage, use manipulation and pressure basically to get it, that is going to carry over into other behaviors when they want something. How they deal with that. Marrying someone can't make someone level if they are unstable. That's a tired old stereotype I am sick of too. That marrying and having kids magically turns people into a more stable mature versions of themselves. Sure, some people rise up to the situation, but there are countless examples of the added responsibility and change actually making a persons underlying issues worse (or at least, come out more strongly). And the lucky kids and spouse get to deal with that.
tattoobunnie Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Yeah, but we are not sure if the IP promised her things over the past two years, and didnt come through. The end of October is just about here...I would be anxious too. Women are drowned in the age old advice, "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" I had someone promise they were going to propose soon after we moved in together, and ya know what, I would ask him about it too often after it hadn't happened for a long while, and it turned out to be a big fat lie. And I'm pretty far from cray cray. There is something that makes you wonder, especially if you've talked about a certain timeline. Marriage and kids do level you out. Someone has to be the grown-ups.
Batya33 Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Marriage and kids do level you out. Someone has to be the grown-ups. Could not disagree more. What made me a grown-up was living independently of my parents, having a career, getting a grad degree and now, at almost 50, well, learning to drive is forcing me to face fears/get out of my comfort zone -mature. And yup I am married and have a young child. And yes, getting married ,relocating for the first time in my life, being unemployed for the first time since age 15 (other than when I was in school) -all from ages 41-42 -all that converged to help me develop even more life skills and maturity. I am sick of hearing that someone getting married or having a child makes you grow up -hate the implied comparison that someone who is single for whatever reason is presumably less mature. And I know of plenty of immature married people and parents. When I was 41, dating my husband and we were trying to conceive (and planning to get married), while working insane hours in my career, an old friend who was married with children emailed me "so how's the wild and crazy single life?" I did get defensive in my response -basically listed all that I was doing and trying to accomplish - one of too many examples of those wild and crazy assumptions. In my opinion if you move in with someone then sharing physical space doesn't presume more of an emotional commitment. If the couple discusses a general time line about getting engaged and married then sure there should be follow through. And if you're living together at some point I cannot relate to "waiting" for a proposal - if you already know it's going to happen in a certain general time then the person who would like it sooner should propose and the couple should set a wedding date.
Ethan1979 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 Well just to give an update on the situation... last night I said that because I've lost my job and only recently started working again, I'm going to get a ring. If I'm going to propose, I want to do it in a way that's special and meaningful for the both of us. Especially since my twin brother did the ring and he couldn't even find the words to describe what it felt like to offer it. I was not okay with using a promise ring, or not having a ring at all. She said that she wouldn't wait. After all of that... I've been a mess. I've been scattered, super behind in work, I can't be present in conversations, I haven't been able to really eat. I'm just a mess. My friend said that if I wanted to stay at his place for a night or two to collect myself, I could. I didn't take him up on it... until I spoke to her at lunch. She wanted to talk in person, but with our work schedules, that would not have been possible until Thursday. Thursday, however, we are driving to visit her mother for four days. She asked if I still wanted to go and I said I didn't think so. Before I could explain why, she bluntly and very quickly said "move out". I couldn't explain that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to go to her mother's until we actually reconnected, that her mother was probably expecting an engaged daughter. She has done that many times, hung the relationship over the conversation. This time though, I took her up on it. I told her that I was going to spend a few days away for my own sanity. I couldn't spend another minute in that apartment right now. She feels things so strongly and fixates on assumptions and negativity. It's unhealthy for me. She hasn't responded yet, but I don't expect her to understand. It'll be a reiteration of something that I struggle with her constantly. If I want to go to the movies with a friend, she interprets it as I don't want to spend time with her. If I have to get work done at home, she pouts until I'm finished. If I don't respond immediately to her messages, she takes it as a sign that something is wrong. I packed a few essentials and now here I am... breaking her heart by taking care of me. I know that sounds dramatic, but last night she said "I can't talk about this anymore, I'm going to bed". I put my shoes on to go for a walk to the store, she demanded I don't leave because of how it effects her (she admittedly has abandonment issues). I said "you can leave the conversation by going to bed, but I have to marinate on the couch and not go buy dinner?" She then had what I think was a panic attack. She wasn't breathing, she was curled up in bed, crying too... I'm so much on the hook for her feelings, her assumptions, all of it. I'm in her relationship and not ours. , this sucks.
itsallgrand Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Yeah, but we are not sure if the IP promised her things over the past two years, and didnt come through. The end of October is just about here...I would be anxious too. Women are drowned in the age old advice, "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" I had someone promise they were going to propose soon after we moved in together, and ya know what, I would ask him about it too often after it hadn't happened for a long while, and it turned out to be a big fat lie. And I'm pretty far from cray cray. There is something that makes you wonder, especially if you've talked about a certain timeline. Marriage and kids do level you out. Someone has to be the grown-ups. To the first part, that's the risk of moving in together without an engagement or marriage. When someone decides to do that, they assume the risks involved. That means too not shifting the responsibility back on the partner when things don't pan out as you hope. That's why I think if marriage is particularly important to someone, it's probably not the best idea to move in together without at least an engagement. That's just my take though. For the second part, well, I'm not sure what your experience is of this world, but I have met and seen a lot of kids who grew up without any real 'grown ups' to speak of . Adults, yes. In an ideal world yes, someone would always step up and be a grown up and provide what is needed when it is needed. But that's how it always works. There are so many people out there in this world who were surrounded by adults who weren't prepared for raising children. Many people who signed up for marriage and were not ready for marriage. And it bothers me to see that same old 'folk wisdom' circulating around about marriage and children being a solution to a need for personal growth or maturity. As though doing these things will create the maturity needed. I think it is a dangerous and somewhat harmful idea. Especially to those people who take it to heart. My mom used to tell me about how she was advised by her doctor when she was having difficulties coping with her situation in life and her new marriage and everything else, that she needed to have a baby. She told me this story often. This is how I came to be. She figured it would be a solution to all sorts of personal issues she was having with herself. And there were and are plenty of people who still advise this sort of thing; you aren't happy, you need to get married. Or have a baby. It's just all sorts of wrong. I'm not saying people have to be perfect to get married or have kids. But I think it's reasonable to aim for having your own dealt with before doing those things, and to recognize the damage that can come from setting an expectation that these things will 'grow up' a person. The fact is, a lot of people simply do not ever mature into it. It is what it is. I think as far as the OPs original post goes, his girlfriend is showing a lot of red flags here. And marrying her isn't going to fix what is really ailing her. It'll give her what she wants now, but it won't really solve the problem as to why she is behaving as she is. And how she has been able to justify to herself responding in that way to being disappointed in the situation.
boltnrun Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 Yeah, but we are not sure if the IP promised her things over the past two years, and didnt come through. The end of October is just about here...I would be anxious too. Women are drowned in the age old advice, "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" I had someone promise they were going to propose soon after we moved in together, and ya know what, I would ask him about it too often after it hadn't happened for a long while, and it turned out to be a big fat lie. And I'm pretty far from cray cray. There is something that makes you wonder, especially if you've talked about a certain timeline. Marriage and kids do level you out. Someone has to be the grown-ups. But it's not just that. She goes nuts if he doesn't kiss her the second he walks through the door, and if he makes any plans that don't include her she has a fit and insists he doesn't care about her at all. That is the definition of "cray cray". And it would make me run for the hills. No way would I marry that. Edited to add: OK, I just saw the OP's update. Yep, more of the cray cray. OP, you will slowly lose every single part of yourself if you marry this woman.
Ethan1979 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 OP, you will slowly lose every single part of yourself if you marry this woman. It's funny (actually kind of sad) that you mention that. Most of the people I've talked to today have said something similar. Like it's something they've wanted to tell me for a while, but held back. "The you I know could make the world spin three times if he wanted to. The you I've seen lately can't hold a conversation because he needs to get home or else." -- that one stood out to me. Honestly, the worst part about this is our dog. The only time I got emotional today was when I was packing and she started crying and tried to lick me. I spent ten minutes playing with her, then just holding her... I had to stop because I was going to break down. That's what is so cruel about her saying "move out". She knows what the dog means to me, she knows we've bonded. Not only does that statement make my home-life insecure, but it threatens my relationship to our animal. My friend who I'm staying with tonight made a good point. He said that every time she tells me to move out or that we're done, my home-life became less and less secure because it was something that she controlled. I haven't felt comfortable in "our" home for a long time. I can't help but think that will somehow show up again in married life. With the house and children. Especially since she's getting pressure from her father to buy a home in 2016. If she does it by the end of the year, he'll make the down payment. This conversation BTW didn't involve me until yesterday.
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