Recovering from lifelong (and recent) anxiety and anger. . .

[beautifulzen]

I'll preface this story by saying YES, I am seeing a professional. I can't go as often as I would like due to financial pressures, but I go at least once every few weeks, more if possible. My therapist does cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, and it seems to be more effective for me than talk therapy was in the past.

 

I've always been anxious and I've always felt angry. It has gotten better over the years, and I've done a lot of work to help heal myself, but sometimes it feels like it will never resolve to the point where I don't feel it on a daily basis.

 

Right now I feel stressed out all of the time from the pressure of a demanding job and some major repairs I need done on the house I just purchased. My husband and I were separated over the summer but are now back under the same roof and going to marriage counseling. Back in May I was promoted to a management job at work so I've been adjusting to that as well (I've never been someone's boss or had to make important decisions before so it's all very new).

 

My past was somewhat turbulent--I grew up in an intense household with parents who didn't get along, and who could be manipulative of each other and me. I never really felt like they trusted me to make good decisions and it seemed like they didn't think I was capable until I was well into adulthood. Still, they were good people who I know loved me very much. They both passed away in the past 10 years and I miss them.

 

I had an abusive relationship in the past, and again in this relationship I was manipulated and told I wasn't smart or capable enough, all of my decisions were questioned. I have discussed this with therapists over the years, and I know now that the way he treated me wasn't my fault. I still think I do a lot to protect myself even after 13 years with my husband (married for 9). My husband is a good guy and very loyal, and I'm glad we are working on things together, but it's a hard road.

 

I've been on a quest for personal growth for the past few years and I have learned a lot. I trained as a yoga teacher and teach classes a second job, which I love. That has given me an avenue to show compassion for others and help them find some peace, and that has been a huge help to me in turn.

 

So much has gotten better, but there's still a long way to go. I get so easily frustrated with little day to day annoyances, I don't feel strong enough to deal with people who are rude/mean to me, and feel like it's very hard to stay collected when problems arise at work. I get upset when I make mistakes, but I'm better at not beating myself up for it than I once was. Whether I show it on the outside or not, I react to most of this with anger.

 

This summer was a long and hard one living apart from hubby, buying a house and going to therapy. I think it's very well worth it in the end, but I don't feel I've recovered from it yet. I've not really decompressed from it, and having a job that's growing increasingly more demanding has turned me into a giant stress ball. I have a few days off coming up, and will get a long break around the holidays, so maybe I can recover more then.

 

I guess this is more of a venting session than anything, but if anyone has a good perspective on recovery and rewiring your thinking to a more positive place, I'd love to hear it. It's like the events of this summer set a new baseline of anxiety and stress for me and I need to find a healthier one.

 

Thank you. . .

[SooSad33]

If you react more with 'anger'.. then maybe you should pin point this to your therapist next time you're in?

 

Life can sure have it's strenous moments,, for sure. Just try NOT to overload yourself. If you can't handle being in that position at work, then maybe admit that and back down to more tolerable means- for your own well being.

We can only handle so much before we break... so take care of YOU as well.

[beautifulzen]

If you react more with 'anger'.. then maybe you should pin point this to your therapist next time you're in?

 

She already knows the full story. It's what we're focusing on. I tend to think this is just the end of a difficult cycle in my life and that soon things will smooth out. I think some down time is what I need the most, and I've got that coming up soon.

[catfeeder]

I felt a huge difference in how I handle stress after I ditched all sources of caffeine. It's as though someone gave me a sedative, and I'm back to my old patience and serenity.

 

Mediation is the most valuable 5 minutes you can spend in the morning and can be incorporated into your yoga.

 

A coach at work taught us that it takes 21 days to rewire our brain to form a new habit. He said to keep a list of all habits you want to change so you can work on only one at a time instead of morphing several into a giant abstraction--nobody can resolve those.

 

The first thing I opted to change was my inner dialog. My default voice was a negative, critical one, and so my immediate stress came from battling 'against' that while trying to tackle day-to-day stresses. That made no sense, I was doubling my own stress.

 

However, instead of viewing that through the lens of my inner judge and jury, I opted to see myself as someone who has been capable of actually managing double the stress--so any helpful changes I could make would scale down my load to something I could run circles around.

 

This idea boosted my confidence and wiped out the idea that changing my default nature was some big mountain to climb. All I needed to do was enhance my current capabilities rather than tear myself down to rebuild.

 

At first it was a matter of rephrasing my knee-jerk perceptions. But instead of adding more mental 'work,' this actually cut my old stress-producing spins in half. Instead of drilling deep into the negative then trying to dig myself out of that, I started flipping the spin in the other direction--and my inner anger became inner encouragement--which made everything else easier.

 

How simple. I realize simple and easy are two different things, but when I started switching my harsh 'parental' voice into the voice of a positive coach, I imagined myself living up to my coach's expectations rather than battling against the negative I had taken over from my dear-but-provincial Mom.

 

I used simple mantras, such as, "I can do this...' and '..resiliency...' rather than complicated affirmations, although those are fun to read before sleep. I used humor to replace anger, and I laughed at my default seriousness often.

 

I hope you'll use this thread constructively to report your experiences, because you're a good writer, a smart woman, and I think you'll impress yourself with how quickly you can start to enjoy yourself.

 

Head high.

[catfeeder]

PS: I would not decide that you won't realize any relief from your stress until you reach your down time. That works against you. Instead, I'd decide that I can switch my lense NOW. You can start viewing everything through the feeling of liberation that a vacation brings by recognizing that it's all temporary.

 

You don't need to perfect management skills today--those come over time. Practice being an observer. Allow people to teach you what is true for them today, and watch how well they manage themselves rather than attempting to reach in and make a show of how well you can change anything right now.

 

It's all been purring along before you, and it will continue to do so--so the less you tamper at the moment, the less stressful this time needs to be for all concerned.

 

EnjOy.

[beautifulzen]

This idea boosted my confidence and wiped out the idea that changing my default nature was some big mountain to climb. All I needed to do was enhance my current capabilities rather than tear myself down to rebuild.

 

At first it was a matter of rephrasing my knee-jerk perceptions. But instead of adding more mental 'work,' this actually cut my old stress-producing spins in half. Instead of drilling deep into the negative then trying to dig myself out of that, I started flipping the spin in the other direction--and my inner anger became inner encouragement--which made everything else easier.

 

How simple. I realize simple and easy are two different things, but when I started switching my harsh 'parental' voice into the voice of a positive coach, I imagined myself living up to my coach's expectations rather than battling against the negative I had taken over from my dear-but-provincial Mom.

 

I appreciate your reply, and the bits above are especially helpful--thank you! That's a lot of what CBT is about--changing your inner dialog. Again, simple and easy are different things, but simplicity helps easy come along. Coming out of a long period of stress is weird--I feel exhausted and in need of rest, but at the same time see a future I can create myself.

[catfeeder]

That's a lot of what CBT is about--changing your inner dialog.

 

Yes, and you can use the voice of your therapist or anyone else you admire and find inspiring as a model for your new 'inner coach'.

 

Usually we're replacing the voice of critical parents or teachers we took over to use against ourselves out of habit--so it's just replacing a habitual jump straight into negativity.

 

This doesn't happen by auto-writing right over the old stuff. First comes the new habit of interrupting it. That's the primary accomplishment because our replacement will naturally align with what we WANT to think and believe. We DO have control over that once we interrupt the habitual stuff.

 

Again, simple and easy are different things, but simplicity helps easy come along.

 

Sure, this is more an exercise in uncomplicating things rather than working ourselves into spins that burn far too much energy--and for zero payoff. It's like running an engine in first and second gears all the time instead of relaxing into Drive. Of course that's exhausting. it's also unnecessary.

 

One trick I've used a lot is to say, "Let's see what happens if I relax about this..." It's amazing how many people will take care of themselves and how many things will fall into place perfectly if I just pull back and conserve my energy.

 

Coming out of a long period of stress is weird--I feel exhausted and in need of rest, but at the same time see a future I can create myself.

 

Consider taking mini rests whenever and wherever you can work them in. I've found that my productivity increases when I can walk the outside of my office with friends and speak of everything BUT work, or when I can allow others to drive my meetings and observe rather than direct, or when I can close my eyes during hair appointments rather than chatter.

 

Renewal for me came when I adopted the power of invisibility rather than attempting to be 'ON' all the time. I piped down, got quiet, and I started attracting admirable and like-minded people into my life, both personal and professional, rather than flakes and the chaos they bring.

 

At first this was an exercise, but I've since adopted it as a way of life. I have my occasions for animation, but my default state has become relaxed. This relaxes the people who deal with me, and the overall volume in my life has cranked down to manageable and enjoyable levels.

 

All changes take place on the inside. These will manifest around you and align with you.