what the does he mean "he cares"???

[princessleslie]

this is long, bear with me

 

me and my baby, "Marcus" have a weird relationship to say the least

 

I always knew about him in highschool. i remember the first time i saw him, i told my bestfriend... thats the boy who's heart i'm going to break. he was a player.. er is. but i knew i would get to him, letting fate decide how it played out

 

come senior year, i was 16, he was 21.. he graduated w my sisters class.. 2 years before me

we started talking daily, finally we decided to go on a date (way prior i clarified, i wasn't looking for anything ft commitment. it scares the **** out of me. we labeled us as fwb. we distinguished our rules *only eachothers* we were basically dating wo the label and publicity and we knew it. bc where we live a veryyy small town, is nosy and will break anything asap)

so we stayed on the dl.

BACK TO FIRST DATE

 

he picked me up, he said "i know we're fwb, but we dont have to...until youre ready" i told him, now. (first up i know) i wanted him so bad, and wanted me.. the gleam and sensation in our eyes and the air were undeniable

afterwords we went to the movie, he asked if i was hungry before, i just wanted fries ( im not romantic, im not datey, im not. im just not. anywhere we went he always would hold my hand & i told him i never liked it before because how sweaty my hands would get.. he told me he loved it)

so we go to the movies, and fool around bc it was so empty, it was my first date ever.. i loved it. exactly how i wanted it

 

he took me home, the long way.. we kissed a lot and had some wine and talked like we've known eachother our whole life.. led to the most passionate sex i've ever had.

 

so anyways, alot of that happened daily..

 

FIRST I LOVE YOU

 

i called him over, i was home alone all my family was in chicago for a funeral.. i was 17 now. he comes over & in every room.

( now we have a very weird relationship... he said he was w some friends, i said bring em over.. we'll play a little

it was our kind of fun. so he comes over with 2 other friends, tells me what he wants me to do, i oblige. it got a little to weird, i ran out crying, he followed immediately & asked what it was, i told him.. i really cant say, its too personal for me.. he told me he never meant to make to feel like that. ever.) so we make love. tangled up in my purple sheets, i said "god i love you marcus" he said, i know baby.. i love you ridiculously. like ive never loved anyone" we finish, and go out back and have a cigarette, his friends come out, and were all just joking around having a good time.

 

let me say, Marcus is not someone who shows affection in front of friends.. i know him. but there i am on his lap and hes caressing me, and whispering such sweet & sexual things to me. I finish my cigarette and he says lets go inside babe, we on the couch, and go to my grandparents room and take a bath together. then really good sex in the shower

 

so theres more of that throughout our relationship, seeing eachother when we can, blah blah blah the i love you's & late night cruises because thats our only free time, & all of our free time was dedicated to eachother.. we never pushed, if we were busy, we were busy. so much trust in our relationship

 

time goes by and

we just get more distant, less time for eachother, ya know.. him picking me up in between his work hours & college class hours, id go over for some hours in the day, when i had to leave we'd go for ice cream and a good

 

idk whatever happened to be bluntly honest.. we both got frightened of the seriousness of what we were at the same time, and avoiding contact for the most part. i just know that, when im with him, everything is perfect, everything is right.

 

 

i end up moving to new mexico for college ( i graduated way early before my class did) and come back for the summer, nothing between has changed.. just our worlds. and as perfect as it is, it was horrible

 

we just stopped one day.

we talk everyday, but it all just stopped.

 

the feelings are there, the love, the sex is still constant any possible chance, but what we were just wasnt.. still in love, but not what we were.. its indescribable in words

 

we are soulmates, i know this.

he knows me, and my problems, and everything.. and he tells me. babe, are you ok? you look reallly skinny, im worried, im concerned," i care" is what he said. (i do coke occasionally & he knows, i tell him everything)

 

he said, i dont know what happened. i love you.

but again, we both said we never wanted a relationship.. we both have horrible commitment issues.. but we know we are only eachothers

even if there is sex with another person.. he is mine & i am his.

 

one time he asked me if i did have sex with anyone since him?

i told him, there was a drunk night with two of my good friends whom i've already had multiple 3somes w, and history repeated

 

he said "ok, i was just wondering hun"

the same curiosity which killed the cat got the best of me & i asked him to follow up with why's & all that

he says "i just need to know if i could ever actually give us a label" he said no. i said "ha, its not like you ever truly cared for me anyways" which seemed to reallllly throw him off.. thats how we talk, alot of -ness. but its us. so his reaction puzzled me. he got so serious, and all he said was "ok Leslie, i can't believe you think that"

 

i just. i dont know. what. What? can i just get some kind of response? anything.

how do ya'll think he feels? does he care? why weren't we every officially anything when we both wanted it so bad? i dont understand how the love of my life could just be dangled in front of me. like a tease. a crude, unsatisfying strip tease.

[pippy longstocking]

that was very confusing ... I dont understand what is going on ..hope another poster can make sense of this .

[DoF]

You are dealing with a boy.

 

You WANT to be dealing with a MAN.

 

Learn to separate boys from man. Boys will tell you what you want to hear, but their actions will not reflect that. MAN will tell you what you need to hear, and their actions will back up their words.