unworthy Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Now that my wife doesn't trust me anymore, she has been psychoanalyzing me every night. She's been picking apart all the ways I've behaved for the past 9 years and concluded that I never loved her just like she never loved me. I'm crushed by the weight of her logic, even though I can't really believe it. What usually happens is that describes some jerk behaviour I did, then I would try to explain why I did it, but she would have a counter argument which means she was right and I never loved her. This always results in me crying my eyes out as I have no logical arguments to counter hers, so I start to examine the possibility that she's right Last night she posed the question of who I would be happier with, kids or spouse. If I could only pick one to have in my life, what would it be? She explained this as it determines what I want from the relationship. Her conclusion is that people who value a spouse more are selfless, while those who value children more are selfish. She said she could be perfectly happy with a spouse that she loved even if they never had kids. It's difficult for me to wrap my head around this concept, even when I'm not crying, because it runs counter to everything I've ever heard. So people who choose to never have kids are actually selfless? She said my answer to this question explains all our marriage troubles, which is presuming I would choose kids over spouse. Right now I'm just confused by the whole thing. Can anyone else make sense of it?
reinventmyself Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 So . .what gives her all this authority to make these claims? Has she been to therapy herself or reading too many self help books? It sounds as if any answer you might give will be wrong anyway and she'll have an argument to support it. Usually people who are pointing fingers at others are typically struggling with something them selves. I sense there is much more to this story. Just a hunch Have you two considered couples counseling?
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 dear god ... talk about a romantic night in with the Mrs
JustWishing Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 It has been a long time I have heard that much BS. Your wife shouldn't even ask you questions like that in the first place. You shouldn't have to choose between a spouse and your kids. Period. In the best case scenario relationship you love them all. She should go and see a therapist herself to work on her issues.
unworthy Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 All my earlier posts describe our problems. We went to a few counseling sessions but my wife disagreed with what the counselor said so we never went back. Later when I talked about doing therapy to work out my own personal issues she became angry and said she would consider any money spent on therapy equivalent to spending money on my ex. So she would kick me out of the house and sue me for sole custody of the kids. When we got a bill from the therapist by mistake she was going to fulfill that threat, but I convinced her it was a mistake.
reinventmyself Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Oh wow. . I glanced over your other posts. She married you hoping you'd turn into someone else. You married her to prove a point. Now your marriage is a hot mess of a mismatch and you are both tormenting each other and wonder if you should stay for the kids? You two either need to get your s*** together for the sake of the kids (it seems highly unlikely and too far gone at this point, honestly) or give the kids the gift of removing them from this ongoing war zone and transition into two separate peaceful homes.
browneyedgirl36 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Oh wow. . I glanced over your other posts. She married you hoping you'd turn into someone else. You married her to prove a point. Now your marriage is a hot mess of a mismatch and you are both tormenting each other and wonder if you should stay for the kids? You two either need to get your s*** together for the sake of the kids (it seems highly unlikely and too far gone at this point, honestly) or give the kids the gift of removing them from this ongoing war zone and transition into two separate peaceful homes. I agree with this. Sadly, I don't think this can be fixed. She doesn't want counseling, yet she wants to play "armchair therapist" and "diagnose" everything that's wrong with you? That question she asked you about choosing between a spouse and children is ABSURD, as is her assessment of what each answer means. The answers to those kinds of questions mean NOTHING. A relationship requires trust to survive. She doesn't trust you. She is making no effort to do so, and is in fact exacerbating the situation by trying to act like a shrink when she has no business doing so. I think it's time to call an end to this. It's not going to get better, unfortunately. She's made it clear she's not willing to do what it would take to improve things. The only question is, how long can you endure this mess?
Starseed98 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 You are worthy. Your wife is not. That is emotional abuse. You both need separate counseling.
DoF Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Wait, she said she never loved you? That's enough material to make me run. What else is there? It's done. And no trust. That's the icing on the cake. It would not be smart for you to remain, not at all.
SooSad33 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 -She doesn't trust you anymore -She's criticising Everything you say - She says she never loved you -She's emotionally abusing you, I'd say. Unreal! Don't live with this kind of ****. Work on separating & get a lawyer. She can NOT keep the kids from you. ( Not without substantial evidence you're a threat). By sounds of it, I'd say she is the threat... *sigh* As mentioned.. remove yourself from her presence, and get a place of your own.
Seraphim Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Get a good divorce attorney and get legal information on what happens if you leave your home in regards to child custody. She cannot just apply for sole custody without good cause. So she's full of it and emotionally trying to terrorize you. This marriage is over and doing nothing but torturing everybody get a good lawyer.
JustWishing Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Question: Besides that you talk and fight and argue about "O"...Do you actually stay in contact with O? I mean physically, texting, calling, ...anything?
melancholy123 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 What degree does she have that makes her qualified to come out with this oddball remarks?
ThatwasThen Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 All my earlier posts describe our problems. We went to a few counseling sessions but my wife disagreed with what the counselor said so we never went back. Later when I talked about doing therapy to work out my own personal issues she became angry and said she would consider any money spent on therapy equivalent to spending money on my ex. So she would kick me out of the house and sue me for sole custody of the kids. When we got a bill from the therapist by mistake she was going to fulfill that threat, but I convinced her it was a mistake. I think at this point you'd be better off seeing a lawyer and then once everything is split, settled, visitation schedules and child support is worked out, you could use the equity you get from your share of the marital assets on personal therapy. Sorry, but she sounds like a right shrew.
Hermes Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 "We went to a few counseling sessions but my wife disagreed with what the counselor said so we never went back." Not disagreed. This is a case of not wanting to hear. A different thing. And what did you think of what the counsellor said? "So people who choose to never have kids are actually selfless?" Many people do not have children or choose not to have them. That does not make them selfish. It is a choice. And yes, some people do have happy marriages even if they do not have children, for whatever reason. All that said, those arguments are simply going round in circles, are non-productive, this being teh reason why you DO need that third person, i.e. the counsellor. Otherwise, as others have said, time to consult a solicitor. See what happens then.
overthemoon86 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Oh wow. . I glanced over your other posts. She married you hoping you'd turn into someone else. You married her to prove a point. Now your marriage is a hot mess of a mismatch and you are both tormenting each other and wonder if you should stay for the kids? You two either need to get your s*** together for the sake of the kids (it seems highly unlikely and too far gone at this point, honestly) or give the kids the gift of removing them from this ongoing war zone and transition into two separate peaceful homes. This! You need to reread this.
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