Massive trouble dealing with girlfriend's past abortion with her ex.. Advice?

[comicalskool]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months now. We were friends for a year before or so and everything is amazing. She is 23 and I am 32. However - a few weeks ago, whilst talking about the fact that her friend thinks she might possibly be pregnant, I sensed from her reaction and from what she was saying that maybe she had been before herself. so I asked her if she had, to which she replied yes. She said she was 19, and her and her boyfriend (who she had been with for 18 months or so) "tried" one day "just for a few seconds" without using anything, and even though it was just a few seconds and he did not finish inside of her, she became pregnant. She knew right away she wanted an abortion as she was so young, and had one at about 4 weeks. Now I am not pro-life, and don't have any major problem with somebody having an abortion in such circumstances... but I now feel differently about her and I can't seem to snap out of it.

 

When I was 23 I got together with a girl who I eventually stayed together with for 7 years. She too had had an abortion in her teens, and it affected our relationship. She sometimes got sad about it and would sometimes have funny mood-swings about it - and I did not like it. I also, if I'm totally honest - always used to hate the thought of it, knowing that somebody else had gotten my girlfriend who I was besotted with pregnant. It was not a nice thought for me. And I remember thinking.. I really hope, if this relationship does not work out, that I will never get together with another girl again that has had an abortion before. Stupid and childish, maybe.. But a situation I would rather not repeat.

 

So here I am... in the same situation again. Being older now I would think I would be dealing with this better, but I'm not. Infact I think if anything I feel even worse about it. Maybe it's due to the fact that I've been through it before and hated it, I don't know. It just changes things for me... but I don't want it to. I reallllly don't want it to. I really think I may be in love with this girl, and from what I can tell, the feeling is mutual - but I just cannot get this part of her past out of my mind.

 

We spoke about it in quite some detail, and I explained to her the problems I had in my last relationship because of the fact my girlfriend had had an abortion before and that she sometimes got upset about it and acted strangely around me etc, and I explained that I did not want this situation to always arise again with her. She told me that she sometimes thinks about it and that ofcourse it is knowledge that she will always have with her, but that she does not regret it one bit, that she does not get upset about it, and that she knows that although it was a sad thing and that she'd rather she didnt have to go through it, that she did the right thing. But the problem for me is that although I believe her - since she has told me, there are situations that arise that make me feel uncomfortable. Whenever a pregnancy test advert comes on tele, I feel massively uncomfortable. I know in my mind that she's sat there next to me probably thinking about what happened and about what it was like when she took hers. She looks after children for her job, and today I spent some time with them and the way she looks at the youngest girl (who is about the same age as her child would have been), it maybe sounds crazy, but I can almost see (or at least am convinced) that she is thinking about her child that never was. I don't like it. Part of it is a childish / jealousy thing too I'm sure - hands up, I'll admit it, as per my last relationship - It's not a nice thought for me to think of her having been made pregnant by somebody else for the first time. Yes I know our relationship is in the early stages, but it feels very different to any other and I can really see a future with her (as I think she does with me too)... so it kinda hurts me. And it hurts me to think that sometimes she is hurting about what she went through and sat there next to me thinking about it, about her child that could have been and about her ex boyfriend. They are still in contact too - not best friends by any means - but they still speak, by text and phone etc, and see eachother every now and again if they are out with old friends etc. I don't mind that so much.. Generally I am not a very jealous guy when it comes to things like that - but because of that connection that they will always have together, it does make me feel a bit awkward.

 

I feel like part of me is going a bit crazy. I want to leave this and get over it - but it just won't go. It in fact seems to just get worse the more time goes by and the closer I get with her. I'm seriously considering just putting myself out of my misery and finishing it with her because it's really tainted this for me. But at the same time, she's amazing and we are so good together.

 

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation where either you or your partner had gone through this before with an ex and the new partner had trouble dealing with it???

 

I sound like such a woos I know, but any advice is greatly appreciated..

[reinventmyself]

It sounds as if your first experience has really had an impact on you and that your ex girlfriend really struggled with the ending of the pregnancy. You didn't say exactly why that relationship ended but I can assume this had a lot to do with it.

 

It's no surprise you have a lot of negative associations with abortion. Not that you say you are prolife as you mentioned but more how it effected you and someone important to you . . in the past.

 

It sounds like you are projecting a lot of this experience on your new gf which isn't fair to her and yourself.

You can assume how she feels based on your past experience but you could be totally off base.

Everyone deals with this subject differently.

 

You gf says she has no regrets for making the decision she did and you are concerned how this might effect you in the long run?

It's your call. If it's something you can't work through then it's time to be honest about it and end it. But recognize that you are doing so because you may not be able to deal with it, not because she can't. You are only assuming she isn't able to at this point.

 

Not to minimize your feelings associated with this, this really seems to be your issue and not hers and you might be imagining problems where there aren't any. Only time will tell.

 

Maybe you two should have a couple more conversations about this before you go any further.

[Clinton]

Would you have been more comfortable if she had the child?

 

Or is it simply that you don't like the fact that she had sex with someone else. Because the only difference here is she accidentally concieved. She's still had sex. She has no issues the abortion. And she's not your ex.

 

I think this is your issue to work on. I'd really suggest counseling to get at the real root of what bothers you.

[comicalskool]

Thanks for the responses. And Clinton, no.. not at all. The fact she's had sex with other people doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's the fact that "the only difference", well, it's a big difference. Accidental or not. I've seen how it can affect a woman before, and I just don't know if I want to be in and around that situation again. I am not sure, but I think that's the root of the problem for me. It drained me before - and as selfish as it sounds - I felt like my ex was bringing someone else and someone elses 'baby' into our relationship. So in answer to your first question, in some ways, I think I would prefer it if she had a child yes. At least I am presented with the cold facts before I decide to enter into a relationship with this person. Now, as before, I have fallen into it (and fallen for her), only to learn this some time down the line when I feel it's almost too late. (sounds silly I know). My ex said she was "fine" about her previous abortion. A few years on though, and it actually became very clear that she was not. And I am worried the same thing will happen again. That, coupled with the cold hearted fact that I just 'dont like the thought of it' and I'm finding it seriously hard to know what to do

[j.man]

Despite what you may hear during the GOP debates, women don't just walk into a clinic with a smile and walk out with a with a cheery "I just had an abortion" sticker on their chest. For the vast majority, it's not a decision made lightly nor is it one that's simply forgotten.

 

But, like any difficult decision any of us have ever made in our lives, you either know how to carry it or you don't. It sounds like your former girlfriend never did learn to cope with it while she was with you. This woman's explanation seems very down to earth. She knows she made the right choice (for her), but it's always going to be a lingering thought. This little girl you were talking about her looking at isn't going to be the last child who reminds her of her choice regardless of how well she handles it. You gotta be OK with that.

[Dcgent]

I think you just need to accept the past. The greatest impact the abortion might have on your current relationship is your fear and focus on this event in her life. Does she have the same personality as your ex? I think you need to respect her and not associate her life and experiences with your ex...or even your life.

[reinventmyself]

Everyone has a past and they will likely bring remnants of their past experiences with them into their new relationship.

Yours happens be this particular 'remnant'. You can ultimately decide that this is a deal breaker for you.

 

But I hope you are aware your next partner will likely have some other cross to bear herself. Or you will for that matter.

It's a fact of life.

It's all about how you work through it together that gives relationships substance and value.

Just because it was a bad experience last time doesn't dictate the outcome this time.

 

I don't suppose you have much to lose to by talking to her about it before you decide.

Maybe this may be an opportunity presented to you to heal that part of your life

You might be pleasantly surprised or you may have your answer.

[boltnrun]

I agree, it's your issue and because of this, you are projecting not only your own feelings but the feelings of your ex onto this woman.

 

You don't seem to be able to shake loose of this issue.

 

Best bet is to let her go and find someone who has never had an abortion. Or a miscarriage. Or a child.

[pippy longstocking]

I want to share my experience with you as a way of giving you the other side of the coin ....

 

About the same age as her I also had a termination , long time ago as I am 48 now ( I know I know ..you thought I was 25 ) I don't need to go into the details of my decision , but I can assure you it was one of the hardest I ever had to make .

 

I had my daughter in my early 30's and then a couple of years later became pregnant again , I miscarried at 3 months ... got pregnant again and this baby was an eptopic , I believed I was been punished for what I had done as a young lass ..I believed it was some kind of pay back for "killing my baby" and that was over a decade later . It never leaves you , never . I was also involved in a really abusive relationship , and like your girlfriend I had been straight up and honest about the past ..and my god did he use it against me ..he called me a baby killer for the duration of our 3 and half years together and tormented me whenever he could ..not saying you are doing this mate ..I am trying to stress the aftermath some of us go through for a decision we felt we had to make .

 

You are going to end up making her pay for a life changing decision she made and she will end up feeling like a piece of crap ..it is none of your business what she did , yet you are making it your business and making it your present .

 

As j man pointed out ..we dont make these decisions lightly . You should be realisitic about this ... is it worth letting her get too involved with you ? it works both ways ..I wouldn't entertain a man with your feelings on the subject ... just as you are finding it hard to entertain a woman who did it .

 

Sometimes ..you have to just accept how you feel about things and walk away .

[sleepingdonut]

As Chris Rock said, "You ain't plantin no flags anywhere". Your ego is seriously going to get in the way of your happiness. If you ruin the relationship over this, she'll move on and find someone else, but you'll still have this issue that you'll continue to carry with you. You should fix it now. If you can't do it yourself, ask her to go to therapy with you.

[jobelle]

I'm not judging you for feeling like that. But the past is the past and I would suggest trying to get over it if you see a future with this girl. To make you feel better you can imagine that she will one day have YOUR child, not anyone else's.

 

I couldn't help to get a bit stuck on the "still being in regular touch with the ex" thing though as you are not comfortable with it. Ever talked about it with her?

[shelby6811]

I agree with everything that was said about this so far, so I'm not going to reiterate. I, too, had a termination in my twenties. It was an agonizing decision but deep down I knew that my boyfriend at the time was not a good man and I was scared to have a baby with him. Yes, I could have just left but he was the kind of person who would've pursued me and the child and I didn't have a support system to back me up. I am not going to make excuses for my decision, two months after I had it, he threw me through a plate glass door and caused severe injury and blood loss. I would have had a miscarriage at a 5 month pregnancy.

 

I regret the necessity of the action I took but not that I took it. I rarely think of it or the child, except to say Thank God to myself that the miscarriage didn't happen, nor that he ever got his hands on an innocent baby.

 

I do not think of it at commercials or articles about abortion. I had to stop today and think of how old the child would be. My point is this, and others have said it as well. Everyone handles this differently. Everyone. You have no right to judge her or criticize how she, or anyone else, deals with it. You are obsessing and you need to get over it. You are making excuses to us and to yourself and it needs to stop now.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but your whiny post about how difficult this is for you to handle is sickening to me. When you've gone through the procedure, then you can talk about the after effects. Don't you dare make your girlfriend feel bad about this. You have no right.

[Starseed98]

You cannot possibly pre-screen every potential girlfriend on the possibility of their making a life altering decision such as abortion. It is a tremendously intimate topic of conversation and one that wouldn't be taken lightly and shouldn't. It may have happened last week or 20 years ago, that kind of loss is something that one wouldn't ever forget (I am speaking from experience as well). Triggers, like seeing a toddler, an infant or a pregnant woman will reignite those emotions and if they aren't properly dealt with, yes they can affect your life in several other areas, such as relationships. Everyone deals with grief/loss in different ways.

 

IMO, the only thing you can do is seek help to support to try and understand if you think it is worth it. If that can't be done, move on.

[mhowe]

You are projecting your feeling on her. She doubtfully looks at kids and wonders about her abortion or how old her child would be. From her explanation, she dealt with it and put it behind her.

 

You, on the other hand, have not. Perhaps therapy is in order as you cannot go around asking women if they have had abortions before you will date them.

[SooSad33]

Goodness... maybe you need some prof help with this to work on your past, so it doesn't keep affecting your future? This seems to be a major blow to you.

 

As for you & her. it's only been 4 months and most probably, she is not the same as your Ex.

[JustWishing]

She works with kids...of course she looks at them. Don't assume what she is thinking. If you knew what she was thinking you would be the worlds first person able to read someone's mind!!! Wow. She is not your Ex. She doesn't sound anything like your ex. Don't make your ex a problem in a good, blossoming relationship. Kudos to your girlfriend. She seems to be quite the catch. Her honesty with that subject is admirable. You should be thankful that you found each other and enjoy your relationship with her instead of letting your own insecurities and fear get in the way of your happiness!

[Bunney]

You sound paranoid and it's clear you give way more thought to her abortion than she does at this point in her life.

 

I recently had an abortion. Never thought I'd have to go through something like that, but it happened and while it wasn't easy, it ultimately was the right choice. People are different and NOT every woman will constantly be sad about it for the rest of their lives.

 

To think that when I meet the man of my dreams, he would have these thoughts about my abortion... and judge me for it... or think differently of me because of it... jeeze, that'd be hurtful.

 

I'd like to think that a healthy, wonderful relationship is a place where both people can be 'free', feel safe, and comfortably share their secrets and darker aspects of their past, without those things being held against them. The abortion is part of her, part of her past, and if your feelings for her are genuine, you will get over this silly, irrational train of thought ("some other guy impregnated her before me - bohoo") and accept her for who she is - flaws, past and all.

 

And really, BELIEVE her when she says she doesn't get upset about it anymore. What happened to 'innocent until proven guilty'?

[comicalskool]

Thank you, thank you all for your responses. They've helped put things into perspective a little I think. I'd like to make a few points just for my peace of mind in response to what some of you have said...

 

Firstly, I know this is my problem - my issue. Not hers. Hey, I said that in my original post - and I also said I don't want to feel like this and that I want the negative feelings and thoughts to go.. Which is kinda why I'm here. I live in the UK and therapy/counselling is not such a common thing to do over here as it is in the states, and so I guess me posting here and hearing what others have to say on it was my kinda idea of a bit of counselling haha. I do have a hell of a lot of feelings for her and so I didn't want to talk to my friends (even my closest) for some light on the situation as I wanted to respect her privacy and not tell any body that she knows.

 

Secondly, I don't judge her at all for it. Not one bit. I really don't.... I've been stupid with girlfriends in the past when I was young before but hey it obviously turned out that I was luckier than her and got away with it. And if I hadn't been so lucky, at 19 I probably would have wanted exactly the same thing... So I don't "judge" her by it (or anybody that has made a mistake and had to go through an abortion for that matter)... But it just worries me. That's all. And that's due to what happened in my past relationship. You're all dead right though - people are different, and I guess time will tell. Yes, I admitted before, part of it is a childish jealousy thing In the way I get pissed off thinking about someone else getting her pregnant. I know that - and to be honest it's only a very small part of the issue for me. I tell myself I'm being an idiot and forget about that bit. But i think the main problem is, as selfish as this sounds I know.... My ex's past abortion DID put a strain on our relationship for me - and I am just worried it will happen again. And as selfish as it is, I don't want that. Right or wrong, it's how I feel... And sometimes you have to be selfish in order to be happy no?? I always felt sorry for my ex and was supportive of her, but it doesn't mean that from a selfish point of view it didn't anger me or make me feel disappointed that it was becoming "a thing".

 

I haven't spoken to my new gf in too much detail about all this. When she first told me, yes - as I explained in my original post - I told her that it's not a problem for me depending on how she feels about the whole thing. And at first I was totally satisfied with her answer and thought I felt ok. She has no idea it's been on my mind like this and I don't really want to tell her. I know it's my issue, and I'm worried if I bring it up it may make her feel worse about what happened and upset her and I don't want that. She told me I dealt with her telling me "perfectly" and she was surprised at how cool I was about it. But It's only since then, this last week especially, that it's started to play on my mind a lot and give me cause for concern and reason to think maybe it's better for us both to just leave it. Extreme I know. But I don't want to hurt her. And whether these feelings I have of it changing things for me are right or not, they're there... And if they don't go soon, I can only see one way this will go. But I really don't want it to go that way. She's a cool girl

[mhowe]

Make a list of how different this girl is from your ex....because that is the crux of the problem. The ghost of your ex is hovering and that has nothing to do with the current girl.

 

And you would be a fool to walk away, because the next girl COULD feel like your ex.

[pippy longstocking]

look mate you sound like an ok fella you know ...

 

I am uk as well ... so you can reach out to relate , to Mind or just get a referal from your GP or simply go private if you have the funds ...maybe a thrid party can just help you wade through this and get it put away once and for all .

[reinventmyself]

Something to think about:

 

We've all probably dated someone who wasn't over their ex.

They were hot and cold and exercised their grief out on us. Ultimately they weren't ready for a relationship or weren't ready for us.

So it ended.

From there we move on and if we're careful we don't sabotage every new relationship in fear of the same thing happening with our new partner.

 

We look out for signs that things are stable and we have faith and trust that history doesn't repeat itself and we move forward.

 

This scenario isn't much different then yours. It's just has a different theme. Hope that makes sense.. I guess my point is:

"There will always be something. Just make sure that this is the hill you want to die on"

[boltnrun]

You are letting your experience with your ex ruin your current relationship.

 

Your GF is NOT the one ruining it.

 

You keep saying you are worried she will act the same way your ex did. Way to convict her of a crime she hasn't even committed.

 

Maybe she had an ex cheat on her or lie to her. So, according to your mindset, she should obsess about you cheating. She should even punish you for cheating. After all, her (hypothetical) ex did, and she KNOWS you will cheat as well, because he did. Right?

 

Let her go, man. She deserves better.

[SupeRod]

I registered just to respond to this thread...

 

I had a girlfriend in the past who dealt with negative situations in relationships prior to the one with me. She brought that baggage into our relationship, being suspicious, looking for things to be wrong, accusing me of cheating while I was sleeping... So I can't stand when a person convicts me of something when I am innocent. Well, really, who in their right mind would like that, and, by extension, who deserves that? Your girlfriend certainly doesn't. She's demonstrating every evidence of being a balanced individual. She is not your ex so please stop projecting. Some 'fear' is understandable..... until evidence is given that fear isn't justified. She gives you that. And even if she does look at a child and imagines something... dude... let her! She's allowed to have thoughts and feelings about memories. Did she get all weird with after you imagined she was feeling something? No? Your fear likely isn't justified. Listen, every one handles their past and the situations or trauma differently. Some are jacked up for life by a situation and some simply adjust and brush it off their shoulders like dandruff and keep on strutting. She appears to be the latter. You appear to be the type who doesn't move on.

 

You could break up with her, over nothing, which this is, I'm sorry to say.... And then what? So now you've broken her heart because of YOU, your inability to get over something, your inability to stop projecting someone else's actions onto her. You would essentially be punishing her for your ex's 'sins'. But I digress... Then what? You've now lost a great person, a gem of a girl. She will be snatched up by some other guy who couldn't care less about her past as he likely will focus on everything that she IS, not on what someone else was. And you will be stuck interviewing prospective girlfriends trying to weed out the ones who've had an abortion at some point in their past life. It just doesn't sound reasonable does it?

 

Focus on how wonderful she is. Focus on how beautiful she is. Focus on how much you love the sound of her voice. Focus on how soft she is. Focus on her smile and her laugh. Focus on your future. Focus on the fact that she doesn't have any children and so you could be the first to actually have a child with her. Focus - on - the - positive.