How to shake off the feeling of hoplessness?

[blabla]

I´m 27 in a few months, and everyone will say that I´m still young and I have time bla bla bla. And that is true. But what about in a couple of years, in 5 years. Then what? I´m going through a break up with someone who I finally thought was the right man for me. And this is not the first time I broke up with someone, even though it is extremely hard for me to find an SO. I don´t go out on dates that much (or ever), men that do approach me (mostly when we´re going out) I never like (and I´m not being very picky) and everyone else around me seem like they easily find boyfriends! 90% of my close girlfriends are in long-term relationships, with men they plan to marry and just a few of them are the ones I can go out with, have fun and possibly meet men. But what will happen when they stop going out, and when my possibilities to meet someone become NONE.

 

If I look at my past experience, with the longest relationship of 6 months that just ended, I can´t see a bright future for my love life. And I´m not one of those who think that having a man and children is the most important thing, but I do want that. I´m trying to work on my job situation (I´m getting my master´s degree and it is going great), and I continuosly work on myself, trying to make a better life for myself. I don´t mind spending time alone, I´m very independent, and I have a lot of friends, but I miss having someone to love, and to be loved.

 

I´m starting to fear that depression is going to get the better of me, at some point. I never was depressed, but all of the women on one side of my family are or were diagnosed with depression (mostly bipolar), and sometimes I feel like I might be too in the future. I already, for a while, feel some kind of weight and inability to fully enjoy some activities (like traveling) that once made me very happy. Like I´m not getting excited like before, for anything. Almost like being numb. Otherwise I´m mentally very strong, if anyone I know would know that I´m even posting here, they would be shocked.

 

Is this ˝normal˝? Sometimes the thought of never finding someone and growing up alone feels me with dread, of not experiencing all of the wonderful things I imagined for myself, and it even leads me to think that I wouldn´t want to live that kind of life, AT ALL.

[jobelle]

I am 27 as well and I know the feeling. It's a really weird age and society's expectations become so obvious in a way.

 

Easier said than done but try not to compare yourself with your girlfriends. You never really know what's going on on other people's relationships. They may break up in a month or in a year and find themselves in the same situation as you.

 

Ever considered online dating? Not necessarily tinder but more serious websites/apps.

[blabla]

I am 27 as well and I know the feeling. It's a really weird age and society's expectations become so obvious in a way.

 

Easier said than done but try not to compare yourself with your girlfriends. You never really know what's going on on other people's relationships. They may break up in a month or in a year and find themselves in the same situation as you.

 

Ever considered online dating? Not necessarily tinder but more serious websites/apps.

 

It´s not that I´m comparing, it´s just the fact that everyone around me is in a relationship and I find it very difficult to find someone. So when everyone asks me all the time if I have a boyfriend, and the answer is almost always no, and I´m nearing the age when having a family is a norm, well it begins to make me very sad.

 

Online dating practicaly doesn´t exist where I live. If I lived in a bigger city, where people do that all the time, I definitely would consider it.

[Frenchy37]

Hi there, I'm 26 and what you are feeling isn't uncommon. I'm suffering from the same and I live in a big city. I wanted a GF so bad that when I finally got one it was a toxic relationship, I am currently trying to move past it but it is tough. Even in a big city, I feel alone. Granted I am told that this city is very difficult to make friends in general. So this is where I am at. I can't find refuge at work because my ex works there.

 

I try to go out with the friends that I do have but it is costly and goes against my money-saving mode. So I stay home, alone and play video games, even though I love doing it, the loneliness takes a toll especially when I think of my ex who is out with guys, she is very sexual and goes home with guys very easily just to get her "fill" - it kills me honestly.

 

But from my experience let me tell you, learn to be happy utterly alone. Make your own path. I am trying to do this, it isn't easy but once we get there, I promise you everything will fall into place. I walk on the beach almost every other day and I ponder my life and it does me some good.

 

Relationships are hard to come by but it shouldn't be rushed either. My longest relationship was 11 months and it should have ended way sooner. This past one was only 3 months. Shortest ever.

 

As far as nearing the age where family is norm? Maybe where you live but understand in most major cities, families are now averaging at an older age. Most people here in their early 30s are single believe it or not. Don't compare yourself to everyone else, norms especially social norms are idiotic. We are told to be unique yet abide by social norms, how does that make sense?

 

I hope this helps !

[Stay_home]

That's great that you're enrolled into the Master's program. Good luck with that. Dating is hard work and I never thought that I would meet someone but I did finally. It was hopeless; I was meeting women but not meeting anybody with any real substance. When you're looking for someone of substance that can take a very long time, but it's possible. I've never believed in those tired old cliches, "Good things come to those who wait," or the worst, "It'll happen when you least expect it." All of those are jive comments. Life is about choices. Life isn't going to throw you a bone just because you don't make it where you want to be or if you never fall in love. What I have learned is that the people who tend to get the farthest are the people who dedicate themselves. So if you want a relationship and you want to get married someday then you have to do the work. You have to keep on dating and dating and dating -- not everyone you're going to like, but at least you're getting yourself out there and dating to try to find whoever it is that you're looking for.

[DoF]

If your relationship history is "6 months the longest relationship" then you are CLEARLY doing something wrong.

 

You need to identify exactly what you are doing wrong. What you THINK, is probably the opposite (chances are). You said you are not picky, chances are YOU ARE picky.

 

Also, your entire post is filled with lack of optimism, unhappiness and lack of ambition. You need to turn all that around, because frankly no one decent will ever want to date you when they sense ANY of those things. ONLY people that are LIKE YOU will date you, and as you can see 6 months is best you got.

 

Here is your solution:

Be the best person you can be, so that you can attract a person JUST LIKE YOU. Cause most of the time, that is exactly what happens.

 

So if you need to lose weight/get into shape, DO IT. If you don't do physical activity DAILY, DO IT. If you don't have a career or education, DO IT. If you don't eat healthy, DO IT......etc (not saying you are not currently doing it or accusing you, just giving you examples).

 

Focus on yourself is my answer. Once you are in a good state of mind, physical shape and have your crap together, you will attract a decent men that has the same sort of thing going for them.

 

Also, since you have a such a poor dating history, I would recommend you read 5 love languages book few times, and even study it.

 

I guarantee you that you are doing SOMETHING wrong, besides, THAT (fixing yourself) is the ONLY thing within your control.

 

Never EVER stop reevaluating yourself and fixing yourself, cause 99.99% of the time that is exactly what's wrong. YOU. And also, evaluating yourself is part of maturity IMO. it's important to do!

 

Sorry for tough love, it's what I believe in. Hope that helps and good luck.

[blabla]

Well, just like I said, I´m continuosly working on myself. I love who I am, and I´m not unhappy with who I am as a person. When I don´t like something, I change it, or at least try. The only thing I´m currently unhappy with (besides my love situation) is my job. And I´m consistently doing something to change that. Why I´m sounding pessimitic is because currently that is what I am feeling. And I know that it is not attractive, but no one can see that from the outside.

 

Every relationship I had until now, it was I who ended it. If I was dumped every time, then I would think that I´m definitely doing something wrong to drive man away from me. But it is the opposite. And that makes it more difficult for me. I keep meeting people, and I´m not inerested in them. And when I do meet someone, I become uncontent very fast. That´s why my relationships don´t last. If I wanted to, I could´ve been in couple of relationships for years, just like the last one I ended a few weeks ago. But I just can´t, because I wasn´t happy in them.

 

I think you´re right Stay_home, I just have to keep working at it. My friends do tell me all the time to go out even with the people I don´t find attractive, even if I don´t see the point in that. I´m not losing hope, but it get´s harder and harder as the time goes by.

[Andrina]

I know that after my divorce, I got really depressed trying to find a lifetime partner. The men I encountered were either not worthy of me, or I didn't have chemistry with them. My friend gave me the the book: Jack Canfield's Key to Living the Law of Attraction. It really helped me to think more positively, and gave me concrete things to do to prepare for my goals. I actually believe it's the reason I finally found my future husband, who I'm very happy with.

 

You probably want to seek therapy to see if you're actually suffering from depression, or if it's normal sadness from circumstances. Do you think moving to a new place might be beneficial to be able to choose from a larger pool of men? That might be something you can consider. The human brain isn't even fully formed until age 25, specifically in the decision making portion, so it's wiser to wait until after that time to choose a lifetime partner. People also need lifetime experience to choose a good match. You can feel good about having achieved both of these things, which will help you in the future to be smart about your choice. Take care.

 

P.S. Can you give examples of some of the reasons you became unhappy in your relationships?

[dias]

I concur partly with DOF.Most times when something doesn't work it means we are doing something wrong.But not always. Dating needs 2 people . It's not only our fault. There is luck involved (unfortunately) .Maybe the OP has indeed high standards . Maybe she thinks she deserves better. Maybe she has fear of intimacy . Maybe she is just unlucky. (most possible)

 

Ameliorating every aspect of ourselves is great but doesn't necessarily solve problems when more than one person are enmeshed.

I am 24 and i have already give up trying to find a "good" girlfriend (and i have all the essential "qualifications").

[overthemoon86]

Hello OP, I am 27 years old and will be 28 in just a few months so I understand what you are feeling...it is an uncomfortable age, you aren't "young" like in college, but you aren't quite 30 yet. I know what it is like to feel the pressures of what "society" expects of us at this age. Most of my friends are married already or they are already having children. I have been to so many baby showers, weddings, and kid birthday parties...and it is hard to find an identity in all of that when you aren't going through any of that. I have nothing to add to the conversations and it feels like at times that my accomplishments don't add up to those that are planning a wedding or having their first child...

 

I was single for most of 26....it was a REALLY rough year for me. Being surrounded by my beautiful successful and newly engaged friends and there was me...coming out of a 5 year relationship, deflated and feeling like a failure. It was really hard.

 

But I promise that things can change in an instant. I met my current boyfriend at the end of 26 and we are now living together and very happy. I want to be careful here because being in the relationship is NOT what made me happy. I went through a lot of self discovery and acceptance, some really dark times and getting to the core of my being and really understand what I wanted. And that too is changing. I just want you to see that things can change and will change, just don't dwell on the negatives.

 

You say that you want a relationship, you need to go after it! Go after what you want! I decided after a year of being single that I wanted to be with someone. Well guess what, I went out and found it. I started dating, talked to a lot of guys and then met my current boyfriend. You can't just decide you want a boyfriend and then it just magically shows up on your doorstep. You need to go to social events, try online dating, you need to be around people for this to happen.

 

But don't use your age as some measure of where you need to be in life. I used to do that so much...and I still do sometimes, but everything happens when it's supposed to. I promise you won't be in the same position you are in right now in 5 years.

[hyden]

I know that after my divorce, I got really depressed trying to find a lifetime partner. The men I encountered were either not worthy of me, or I didn't have chemistry with them.

 

I understand lack of chemistry, but what do you mean by 'not worthy of you'?

[blabla]

P.S. Can you give examples of some of the reasons you became unhappy in your relationships?

My last relationship was long distance, so it was difficult from the start, but I was willing to try, the distance didn´t affect me that much. I was in love, and very happy for a little while, but at some point it seemed like I was more willing to try and keep the relationship going. The biggest issue was communication, and I think that I could have managed it better. There were other issues, but I think that communication was the key problem, and me being very open in contrast to him being pretty closed (but trying), it wasn´t working that well. He was willing to continue that kind of relationship, but I wasn´t and got fed up. I am second guessing my decision, but that is a completely different story.

I guess I just give up when I see that it is not going smoothly, if I feel like I´m giving more than I´m recieving.

 

Overthemoon86 I do try and I am out there. I go out every weekend with friends, I work, I go to classes at my Uni everyday, I´m very social and friendly, but I´m just no meeting guys! It only happens when we go out at night, and we do meet guys, talk with them and so on, but nothing ever grows from that. I´m sure that I´m doing something very wrong but I don´t know how to change that. Also, in my city the ˝competition˝ is pretty fierce, lol. We´re the oldest country in EU (so not that many young ppl), there are more women than men and the women are just gorgeus. So yeah, that doesn´t really go my way either.

 

It´s just that I feel that I´m missing out on so much. I´m very passionate and sexual, so there is also that kind of frustration. But I´m not the type for one-night stands or FWB, I tried it and I didn´t really find it satisfactory.

 

I think that my biggest problem is the fact that I don´t know if I´m ever going to find someone, and the possibility of never finding anyone - we´ll it is unacceptable to me. And I think the only way is for me to learn to accept that possibility and try to be happy despite it. But it is so so hard, and I don´t know if a life is worth living without having a special someone in your life, especially when you get older.

 

Thank you everyone for posting, it does make me feel better!

[overthemoon86]

I think long distance relationships are hard....especially at 27 years old. It's different when you are in your early 20s, but that companionship is really essential I think the older you get. It could just be me though.

 

So you are definitely doing the right things - going out on the weekends and putting yourself in as many social situations as possible is really important! Why do you think your conversations with men don't lead anywhere? Are you talking to guys when you go out?

 

I understand that you are in Europe...I am from the US, so I don't know if the facts that we are from different cultures plays any part, but these are my fundamental ideas. I am from a really boring part of the US (not like NY or LA or any major city for that matter) so I thought I was going to have a hard time finding someone, but I did

[Andrina]

I understand lack of chemistry, but what do you mean by 'not worthy of you'?

Basically, the men who had stated their goal was to be in a long term relationship on the online dating site, but clearly they showed themselves as being players who tried to bed as many women as possible on the site.

[blabla]

They are hard, but I was willing to make it work, and there were some talk about our future etc. but it just wasn´t good enough.

 

Me and my friends almost always talk to guys but it doesn´t mean that they´ll take our number or something. It does happen, but those are usually the ones I don´t find attractive. I´m not a flirty type of girl, but I´m also not shy, I´m very talkative. I guess I don´t seem that approachable, I don´t know...

 

I live in a city with 2 mil people, more or less, and almost everyone I know have someone, or had several someones. I also know people who don´t have GFs or BF for a very long time, or almost never, but I think they have extremely high standards. I really don´t, I just can´t be with someone with whom I don´t feel a connection.

[overthemoon86]

Wow 2 million people????!!! That sounds way better than my situation and I still found someone There is no way you know all 2 million people and granted some are not in your realm of dating, but there has to be someone out there for you! And what things do you look for in making a connection? Is it someone's personality or their looks, their demeanor? What do you look for?

 

And you say take our number...sometimes you need to be forward and ask for their number! I have done that and it works Sometimes guys like to see girls being assertive.

[Andrina]

You might want to try some hobbies that men gravitate to. I don't know if they have co-ed sports teams in your area, or groups that get together for hiking or bicycling. Those might be good ways to expand on your dating possibilities. Since you don't like your job and the competition for men is fierce where you live, is there a possibility of moving to another nearby country in Europe for work?

[blabla]

Wow 2 million people????!!! That sounds way better than my situation and I still found someone There is no way you know all 2 million people and granted some are not in your realm of dating, but there has to be someone out there for you! And what things do you look for in making a connection? Is it someone's personality or their looks, their demeanor? What do you look for?

 

And you say take our number...sometimes you need to be forward and ask for their number! I have done that and it works Sometimes guys like to see girls being assertive.

 

Well that is what I think too, because so many girls do have BFs but I´m like a lost cause.

 

I don´t look for anything specific, I´m willing to give anyone a chance if they´re nice and if I´m not physically unattracted to them. Now I have a problem because my ex was so great in so many departments, I thought we we´re perfect together and mostly we we´re and he thinks so too, but emotionally something was missing. So I´m ready to date, I think it would do me good but I just can´t find anybody.

I do agree about assertivness, but in that department I´m very shy. When I drink alcohol, I´m much more open and friendly, it´s the liquid courage I guess. And that is when I do meet many guys! I just would like to have it when I´m sober too.

 

Andrina, right now I don´t have time for anything, I even stopped exercising, something I have done 5-6 times a week because of the lack of time. And yes, I´m willing to move somewhere for work, I was trying to but wasn´t succesfull, that is one of the reasons I enrolled a masters programme.

 

And all the guys I´ve been with in the past few years were either foreign, or living abroad!! It´s like only where I live I can´t meet anyone!!!

[Ms Darcy]

Every relationship I had until now, it was I who ended it. If I was dumped every time, then I would think that I´m definitely doing something wrong to drive man away from me. But it is the opposite. And that makes it more difficult for me. I keep meeting people, and I´m not inerested in them. And when I do meet someone, I become uncontent very fast. That´s why my relationships don´t last. If I wanted to, I could´ve been in couple of relationships for years, just like the last one I ended a few weeks ago. But I just can´t, because I wasn´t happy in them.

 

This is your big issue. It might be useful to see why you grow so "uncontent" with relationships so quickly. It may be a sign that you are not truly available for what a relationship takes.

 

I also don't get the sense that you are very approachable. I would advise that you approach men that you may be interested in and strike up conversation.

 

Don't resist trying new things. The old ways are obviously not working.

[Sportster2005]

Throughout my life when I felt it was hopeless, I was always proven wrong. Sometimes it feels like it is taking too long. But it is never hopeless. Try to care a little less about it. It will take some of the edge off. Concentrate on other things.

[overthemoon86]

You have to remember that things can change in an instance. Next week you could be telling us that you met a really great guy! You never know

 

And I understand the liquid courage thing - I met my current boyfriend at the bar so obviously we both had been drinking. But we exchanged numbers and having been talking every day since...obviously sober LOL. So meeting people in a social situation after having a couple of glasses of wine is not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion.

[blabla]

You have to remember that things can change in an instance. Next week you could be telling us that you met a really great guy! You never know

 

And I understand the liquid courage thing - I met my current boyfriend at the bar so obviously we both had been drinking. But we exchanged numbers and having been talking every day since...obviously sober LOL. So meeting people in a social situation after having a couple of glasses of wine is not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion.

 

Yeah, I know, but in my case things take too much time to change. I always had a hiatus of at least 8 months before meeting someone new, and sometimes longer. And that is scaring me, that it will take too long to meet someone new, and the possibilities are only going to get fewer, like I missed the part of my life when I should´ve already met someone.

 

I mean, there are people who have never met someone special, and they´ve ended up alone. That is a possibility, and a strong one. That is very scary.

[overthemoon86]

You just came out of a relationship though...and 8 months is a good time frame, you shouldn't be jumping from guy to guy that isn't healthy either. Give yourself time.

[trust101]

Yeah, I know, but in my case things take too much time to change. I always had a hiatus of at least 8 months before meeting someone new, and sometimes longer. And that is scaring me, that it will take too long to meet someone new, and the possibilities are only going to get fewer, like I missed the part of my life when I should´ve already met someone.

 

I mean, there are people who have never met someone special, and they´ve ended up alone. That is a possibility, and a strong one. That is very scary.

 

How do you know those people ended up alone? Did you watch them die that way? You should ask mhowe, I think she met her special someone well into her 50s(?). Check your pulse every now & then, get regular bloodwork done. Why? So you know you're life isn't over & won't be anytime soon. Then keep trying. It only takes one person remember. Good luck.

[saluk]

If I remember right you were correct to end your last relationship; and while you have been quick to move on in the past (8 months post BU still seems quick to me to get into another RS), I think that you are a little wary of just getting into something that's not going to last. So it actually might be a good thing. You may be a little more discerning, and picking up on problem areas before letting yourself get too invested. It's going to take a little longer. That doesn't mean your prospects are drying up. That means your anti-prospects are moving out of the way.

 

Also these bubbles of hopelessness... I've had them too especially in late 20s/early 30s. I'm in one a little bit right now. A lot of people I talk to in this age range have them. All of the things you are supposed to do by now you've either already done... or haven't done. Whichever side of the coin you are on, there is ennui. "I've done everything... is this all there is?" "How come there is so much I haven't done... did I miss my chance?" But if you have the right outlook, on the other side of those bubbles you can go through periods of contentness. I find that when I get back to focusing on what I love, what I enjoy in life, rather than worrying about where I SHOULD be or what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, that the hopelessness goes away. Your job really is to find fulfilment wherever you can, find what you enjoy and just pursue that as much as you can. Keep dating losers until you find a winner, but don't make dating the losers the focus. Have something else that's the focus, which the losers can come along and see for a time. When the winner comes alongside you and you feel like he is actually going on the same journey as you, though you haven't met before, then things will come together.