Oscilating between doormat or being harsh

[Waraqqa]

I had a very painful and unhealthy - though short - relationship last year, and this past summer had enough stupidity to get back into it (though I had told myself before that I would only do it with a gun to my head). Anyway, I broke up with him one week later, but ever since slid back into the very unhealthy pattern which, unfortunately, kept me extremely anxious and dysfunctional (not to mention ever stupider and more annoying in his eyes).

 

Ch. 1: When we dated for the first time last year, he broke up with me on account that I was no longer attentive to him, a bit rude and dismissive. He was right. I had been annoyed with his long talking, he go on and on about everything about HIM, his family, his friends, his dreams, his ideas, and I was a mere audience. That's why I was dismissive and rude. Nevertheless, after that first break-up, I had apologised to him and corrected my dismissiveness. Then we stayed friends. At this stage, he felt he had upper hand and started standing me up, or being terribly late (up to 30 mins or more) or reschedule at the very last moment. I tolerated it, because I was still feeling GUILTY over the rudeness issue. But after two months, I said it was bothering me and then tacitly extricated myself from this "friendship" and felt MUCH better and healthier mentally.

 

Ch. 2: This year, after I broke up with him, I felt terrible GUILT because last year I judged him for breaking up with me after a short time, and now I did the same thing after even a shorter time. I already knew that "restarting" was a terrible mistake, and used his flakiness to break up. (he cancelled one date right before it could happen, and was 40 mins late to the next one).

 

The rest of the summer I was: first, over-apologising profusely for the break-up; then realising it was too much and trying to "rebalance" by spilling how his inconsideration and lack of manners were hurtful. Then things were calmer and better.

 

Then I saw his FB post - an article saying that there is no need to think about people who left you because if they didn't value enough to stay with you, you are better off without them. It scraped me inside, and I stupidly wrote a long angry email at him. That was too much, and he stopped talking to me at all.

Then I managed to ask him to meet for a "closure". It was actually a good one, our first face-to-face meeting since the break-up, and in person we sorted things much more reasonably.

 

Last week, he suddenly contacted me on FB asking if I'd be interested in Friends w/benefits (FWB) or no-strings-attached (NSA). I said no. He asked why. I should have just said no thanks without explanations. But his "advertising" of the supposed "benefits" and how it could give us "emotional room" to keep writing our dissertations (both in final year of grad school) got to me. Instead of letting it slide, I wrote a message of about 8 lines which was very honest, but unnecessarily so. I should have just taken his offer as a "complement", said no and quietly disappeared. But when I spilled the guts again, he said "yah you made your point already". He did not want to be scolded again - I had done too much of that.

 

I felt bad, like an endlessly scolding judgemental person. I don't want to be judgemental, but explaining to him why I don't want to provide him sexual services without any love was not simple to do in shorter amount of lines.

 

Two days later I couldn't take the horrible feeling of guilt and, in attempts to "rebalance things" send a message saying: "Just because NSA doesn’t work for me now, it doesn’t mean that I consider it inherently wrong. I don’t think that.

But why didn’t you ask someone like-minded in that? Why the humble me of all people? I mean, you know me, whilst this town is full of NSA people. Admittedly, more men (in my experience), but I’m sure women also.. u'd pick up a woman easily, like u almost did last year." - which was totally stupid and needless!!

he said:

cud we just close this discussion now dat its over...? please?

 

me:

Sure, we can close it.

What about general? E.g. those dinner/coffee invitations, was that in general or only part of the NSA package?

 

him:

jeez...dat had nothing 2 do with private interests

ok, this is it: i am not going to answer any more questions on this subject

its getting ridiculous

 

me:

ok, i said i closed it! "dat had nothing 2 do with private interests" - that is great. exactly what i was hoping to hear. means that i can take you up on that suggestion?

 

him:

yes

just not this week

 

me:

excellent yes, this week is too full for me also. but good to know

 

But now I still feel bad:

1) I could not undo the possible harshness/judgementality of my no to NSA message and

2) At the same time being a needy doormat and crazy person by following up, rubbing things in, being "ridiculous" and asking for the dinner/coffee stuff he had suggested last week. Nothing has changed, and he will still expect me to run around and meet him at his convenience - or else he'll stand me up or cancel at last moment and I'll be even more of an idiot.

 

I just don't know how to stop doing stupid things with him and start being normal. I think by now, I look absolutely stupid and inconsequential in his eyes. I hurt him by rejecting, then rubbed it in, and then said how nice it'd be to meet. What's wrong with me?

[Waraqqa]

I think what I wanted is to be liked by him. He always liked me and cared about me when unsure whether I could be his. My putting him down with a strong-worded message + following up needlessly like stupid = killed whatever bits of attraction and affection he may have had for me.

[mhowe]

You can't handle being alone; you want everyone to like you; you don't have the strength of your convictions and you have very little confidence or self esteem.

 

I would work on those issues and skip relationships for a while.