wanderlustedme Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm hoping you can help me with a situation I am currently in. I have been seeing a guy for 2 months now. We used to work together many years ago, reconnected on facebook and have been seeing each other ever since. We spend one night a week together, then every weekend we will see each other on a Friday night and spend the whole next day together. We have also just returned from a weekend away. We always have a wonderful time together, are extremely affectionate towards one another and we have an intense connection. We also speak daily and will spend almost every day texting back and fourth which he usually initiates. My question is when do I have the "What are we" talk?. I am falling hard for this guy so it's difficult to not know where we stand or where his head is at as I don't know if he is seeing other people etc. How should I approach this, if at all? Thanks in advance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Are you having sex before figuring out if you are exclusive? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 You should have had this talk before sleeping with him. And definitely should have established exclusivity before that. You need to have that talk asap, probably next date. Say something like "we've been seeing each other for two months now and I'd like to know where we stand." Make sure you establish that you are seeing each other exclusively, and that he is treating this as a serious relationship. Don't accept non-committal answers like "I'm just going with the flow" or "I haven't really thought about it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderlustedme Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Ok great, thanks. To answer your question, yes we have been sleeping together. I was concerned that it was too soon to have this kind of discussion and I didn't want to put too much pressure on anything too early on. How would you recommend approaching the conversation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 It's best to talk about the relationship/exclusivity prior to sexual intimacy. I don't have sex until I'm exclusive with someone. But hey, the cat's out of the bag there and you can't put it back in. You guys talk almost every day, you spend nights/days together, you went on a trip together, and you're intimate. Yes, the talk should have happened sooner but you guys didn't have it. So just have it now, if you want the clarification. Maybe he's one of those guys who is indeed exclusive to you but hasn't voiced it, because he assumes you feel the same. But it's always good to ask and get it out in the open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 How would you recommend approaching the conversation? When you're cuddling/relaxing together, don't be doom and gloom about it, just bring it up. "Hey, I just wanted to say, I really like you and I like spending time with you. Are you feeling about us?" and go from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missed Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 It sounds like your relationship is heading the right direction, but would seal the deal to have the talk.. By all means so what if you slept with the guy before having the talk, at least you know you are both compatible in that regard! Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I was concerned that it was too soon to have this kind of discussion and I didn't want to put too much pressure on anything too early on. Why would it be too soon to discuss where you stand, yet it's not too soon to be intimate? I'll never understand that, but to answer your question, of course you should discuss your status before taking that step. How will you react if he says he's not looking for anything serious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderlustedme Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Thanks for your all your replies. They've been really helpful and I'm very appreciative. In all honesty I don't regret sleeping with him prior to having the discussion. As "Missed" mentioned, it's just proven to me how compatible we are both in and outside of the bedroom. I'm going to suck it up and have the talk. If he says he's not looking for anything serious I'll be really disappointed, however I'll know where I stand with him. My main concern is that I was putting too much pressure on things and I didn't want to scare him off by doing so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 If he is serious about you, he wouldn't be "scared off". Keep us updated on how you go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 So what if he does say he's not looking for anything serious? What will you do? Not how will you feel....but what will you do? Will you still see him casually? Honestly, what you are doing is seeing him casually now and he probably thinks you're okay with that because that is how you've been acting. If you've been just going with the flow be prepared that he may be surprised that "all the sudden" you seem to want to get serious (maybe you wanted it all along but if you haven't said or shown it then how is he supposed to know?). I think this is one of the surprises guys like least. Have you mentioned any more serious steps like meeting friends or family members? Anything that might show him you have bigger more serious steps in mind? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Why does there even need to be a discussion? Why not just go with the flow if all is going well? Why the need for a title? I don't ever remember my husband and I having "the talk". Ever. I find it so weird, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderlustedme Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not sure what I'll do. I guess I'd take some time to think about it and go from there. I don't disagree with you on what you've said. You're completely right in saying that I've never given him any reason to think I was after anything other than something casual. No we haven'y discussed meeting family or friends. I wouldn't want to unless when we were in a relationship. Are you suggesting I don't bring it up with him at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderlustedme Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 I feel like that's what I've been doing, however I would like to know where his head is at before allowing myself to become really invested Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 ,have you discussed the holidays? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderlustedme Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 What do you mean did we discuss the holidays? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I mean have you discussed who is going where for Thanksgivng, Xmas, NY eve? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I feel like that's what I've been doing, however I would like to know where his head is at before allowing myself to become really invested Going with the flow works for some, but due to the complexity and available formats of modern relationships (ie casual, short term, long term), going with the flow runs the risk of miscommunication about what each partner is looking for and what they thought the relationship is about. So these kind of talks need to be had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Truth is though, you should already have a good feel about if he's serious about you. The talk will just confirm things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greta96 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 If it's not too soon to give a guy your body, it's certainly not too soon to have the "talk". The only guys you will scare away by putting your intentions and thoughts on the table are the ones who don't like you enough to want to have a relationship with you. Those who do like you and want to be with you will be glad you brought it up. In this day and age, it is a smart idea to first have the talk and at the very least decide exclusivity, before jumping in the sack. No, you can't not bring it up, just read around this forum and see how many women thought they were in exclusive relationships, only to find out, upon finally getting the courage to open their mouths, that the guys "were not looking for anything serious at the moment" or that "it's too soon to put a label on things" (translation: you'll be my girlfriend when hell freezes over). Don't do this to yourself! Yes, for those who date exclusively from the beginning, and don't multi date, it's ok not to have an official "talk" - I personally never had to have it, because I made it clear from day one that I don't multi date and I don't sleep with anyone who sleeps around. But since you didn't, and there are all those types of dating nowadays, as mentioned above, you truly need to - so you don't end up having an unpleasant surprise. I have to say that by reading your interaction with him, I don't really think he'll be a jerk, but stranger things have happened. Have the talk for your own peace of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveSoDeep Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not sure what I'll do. I guess I'd take some time to think about it and go from there. I don't disagree with you on what you've said. You're completely right in saying that I've never given him any reason to think I was after anything other than something casual. No we haven'y discussed meeting family or friends. I wouldn't want to unless when we were in a relationship. Are you suggesting I don't bring it up with him at all? No I'm just trying to see where you're coming from. If you feel you need this bit of information before you get too attached then why not talk about it? I get it but I'm just trying to suggest that the element of surprise here may not be your friend. Maybe ease him into it with mentioning a few more serious things before you just blurt it all out. I find it's sometimes helpful to talk about how you feel and what you would like to do...."I feel like this is going in a direction that I like, and I don't feel like I want to see anyone else." I usually would say that he of course, can do whatever he chooses but that's where my head is at and I'd like to know where he's at so I can set my own expectations, but that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderlustedme Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 I just wanted to thank everyone for your advice. It honestly has been so helpful and I hope I can help you all with some helpful advice down the track also. I do have an update. I asked him if he was seeing other people and where his head was at. We stupidly did this through text messages and I’m completely aware it’s a conversation that should have happened face to face however I’m extremely shy and knew I wouldn’t be able to do that. He stated that he isn’t seeing anyone else and had been wondering the same thing about me. I mentioned that I am also only seeing him and I wouldn’t be against trying things exclusively. He agreed. He did however, mention that he has been messaging an ex-girlfriend irregularly as she’s going through a hard time (lost a parent and cervical cancer treatment) so he is trying to cut ties slowly. She doesn’t have many friends so he said he wants to be supportive but assures me he hasn’t seen her and that he is trying to cut ties slowly. I asked if he still had feelings and I quote “The only feelings I have are for her to be ok and well. I can understand why she’s not in a great place but I am completely over her but just want to be supportive until she is ok” I told him I understand and I think it’s a good thing. I did mention though that if there are feelings I would rather know sooner than later because im trying to protect myself and can walk away if need be. He said - Nooo, I don’t want you to do that. I understand what you mean. I think about you every day but I’m a little scared to jump straight back into another relationship and he wants to continue getting to know me” I had had a few wines and kept going on about it – BIG MISTAKE. At the end we agreed that we would only see each other, take it slow and see how it goes. This conversation happened on Monday and I could already feel that he is pulling back. As mentioned earlier, we usually text all day every day and this has already stopped. I want to meet face to face and just be clear that I wasn’t pressuring the relationship talk on him – I just wanted to know where his head is at. I’m not really sure how to play it from here. Should I invite him over for dinner? Leave it be? I’m afraid I’ve messed up a really good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
organic Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I clicked on this thread because I wondered what 'the talk' is?! I can't imagine anything more unpleasant and awkward. I've never had 'a talk' like this in any of the relationships I've had! I can't imagine sleeping with someone and thinking they might be seeing other people? Once we are together and in contact every day - we are together. If I found out later that they had been with someone else - I would consider that cheating. If I am with someone - the way you described above - I consider that a relationship. It doesn't mean forever but it still means exclusive. I find the idea of 'dating' a bit confusing - I think it is an American idea and not something that happens in Europe. Unless of course I am mistaken! Since you were texting every day and seemed to be enjoying each other - I don't see why things can't continue..... I'd wait a little while before texting to see what he does.... but I wouldn't worry about it - if it is meant to be - it is meant to be. I hope you post and let us know what happened. I think it will be fine (my two cents)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 How long ago did he end his last relationship? And how long was that relationship? Also does he initiate these texts to his ex? I'm thinking out loud - if he'd be ready for a serious relationship any time soon, because it sounds fresh and that he's not ready for one right now. If I were you, I would do absolutely nothing and let him come to you, if he wants. The more you do or explain, the more you'll push him away. No explaining will undo what's already done. So just do nothing. Although if he was fresh out of a relationship, I wouldn't date him. He's not ready for anything serious and it will end up being messy, confusing and painful for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 And if you read her latest update, the guy said he's scared to jump into another relationship. They are just dating and not in a relationship. So assumptions like the ones you're making might work for some, but in the current dating landscape, it cannot be assumed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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