JA0371 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Hi guys!!! I want to pose a question. Barring any reasons to be in communication with an ex ie, kids, bills, things to be returned......what positive reasons do you have for needing an ex as a 'friend'?? By ex, I mean someone you actually dated and slept with. Not someone you had a crush on but never actually dated? I ask because I hear ALL the time about people having exes in their lives....and I guess to me, it's just not a great idea. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I have never done it as an adult --- back in college, we got around to being friends again because we were on the same campus. Since then, when I say "good bye", it's a final final. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 None of my recent exes..at the break up, its about my healing and the best route for me is to have no contact even if that ment ending the friendship also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathy679 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 The ones where you have no feelings for each other at all can be very rewarding friendships. The ones where either person still has feelings are best avoided as they only complicate life If you've recently broke up too keep well away and don't contact them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Relationships are hard enough without some guy or girl around that you used to have sex with don't you think? Some people say it is not problem but they really don't know how their partner feels deep down about it. If they did I would guess they wouldn't have an ex around as a friend. I know two guys that are dating women that keep ex's around as "friends" and both of them hate it but don't want to loose their gf's so they eat their emotions. My vote is: Not a good idea. The juice just isn't worth the squeeze. Besides is anyone that starved for friendship that they need ex's to fill that void? JA, I am sure you are not considering being friends with K. Right? Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 NEVER, and usually when someone does have an ex "friend" it should trigger red flags! The only exception to me is kids, as long as the relationship is "kid only". Most people that are "friends" with ex's are usually the ones that never got over them, allow them to linger around OR the ones that are naive and ignorant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JA0371 Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Relationships are hard enough without some guy or girl around that you used to have sex with don't you think? Some people say it is not problem but they really don't know how their partner feels deep down about it. If they did I would guess they wouldn't have an ex around as a friend. I know two guys that are dating women that keep ex's around as "friends" and both of them hate it but don't want to loose their gf's so they eat their emotions. My vote is: Not a good idea. The juice just isn't worth the squeeze. Besides is anyone that starved for friendship that they need ex's to fill that void? JA, I am sure you are not considering being friends with K. Right? Lost Not at this point......if ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 On paper, I'll admit it does make some sense. After all, there [theoretically] has to be a reason you chose to be with them and falling out of love with them doesn't necessarily have to mean you dislike all their traits all of a sudden. Not that I necessarily agree with the "your partner is your best friend" philosophy, but there's gotta be something there that makes it tick apart from the romance. That said, I can very easily make friends who I haven't had sex with and who wouldn't challenge the relationship boundaries of many potential future partners. And I don't like to deal with the potential drama that can come with the effort. The risk ain't worth the reward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 No. Because I respect y partner enough that I wouldn't want to give him any reason to doubt my sincerity. Like J.man says - risk ain't worth the reward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I wouldn't do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I'm friends with some exes. My bf went with his ex to pick out an outfit for his first date with me. I honestly think it's a little ridiculous to think people break up and suddenly have absolutely nothing in common they can share. The ex that I'm not friends with is the one with whom I didn't want the relationship to end. I realized it would be too painful for me and didn't pursue a friendship for that reason. If he wanted to be friends now, that would be fine. But I don't think people should force things or hurt themselves to prove a friendship is possible. Sometimes it isn't. I've had exes help me with repairs on my house. I introduced one to his current wife. I just don't see the big deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YouCanDeleteThisAccount Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 If an ex and I were ever to remain friends, there would have to be something that would naturally cause that to happen and it wouldn't be a choice. For me, if we weren't able to stay together, the likelihood of me wanting to stay as friends isn't much of a likelihood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Never happened in my dating life. And I'm not sure I'd be cool with someone whose ex was really close. I hear that these friendships exist though, just like unicorns exist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siegfri333 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 If there are feelings left over on either side, it's a bad idea. Only the person who has no feelings left thing it's a good idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I can't think of any reason to be friends with an ex. I mean, is one so hard up for friends you have to keep hanging out with the person who you didn't get along with well enough to continue a relationship with in the first place? The only exception to that is a) you both mutually ended it and have no feelings for each other beyond brother/sister type of love. That includes being thrilled to death when your ex now has someone in their lives. AND b) you have a reason to stay in touch like a shared hobby/work together/etc. My husband has one female friend who is an ex from back when I was still a size 0. They fell out of love, became friends, but both work in a very small select group of artists, so they see each other all the time. He also became very close with his ex's husband and when I came along they were the first friends he shared with me. Needless to say they're close friends of mine now too. My ex-hubs and I stayed friendly, because we had kids and it was again a no-contest/no ill-will divorce. But friends? No reason to, because we have nothing in common beyond the kids. I adore his wife though, seriously the guy landed an outstanding woman. So much so I have admitted to him even though I'm not bi or lesbian I would have married her too if she were interested in me. The woman is just that cool. I'm delighted my kids have such an awesome stepmom. Outside of those two rules though, no. I see a lot of people who aren't really friends with the ex, there's something else unhealthy going on like a need to drag other people into the mix to make each other jealous and play weird games off of, or one of them never got over the other and is keeping tabs trying to get their way back to them or. or. or. It's fairly obvious too, you use the standard "would I act this way with a friend, any friend, male or female AND is the ex/friend okay with you now dating their ex/friend?" (See how confusing that all is, there's another reason not to do it. LOL) If the answer to either of those questions is a resounding, NO then it's time to move on and tell the person you've been dating they need better boundaries and should maybe redefine their choice of who a "friend" is. Also that P.S. you are not going to be their friend now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saluk Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Being friends with an ex is like drinking and driving. You MIGHT not kill anyone. If you will be seeing a lot of that person (mutual friends, shared environment, coparenting) I would make the exception that finding a way to be at least friendly is better than trying to avoid each other all the time, if it can be done. Sometimes the effort to stay away will increase rather than decrease the emotional instability. In cases of mutual split where there really are no feelings on both side, it's like drinking 2 beers and driving. You might be under the legal limit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 In my simplest least humanist speech, I recently said the following: I can't friend it, have sex with it, or date it, so why should I be in contact with it? My test is: Do I want to know all about your dating habits, and do you want to know about mine? Do we still feel a sex vibe? If the answers are, in absolute terms, Yes and No, then you can be friends. If those answers require any qualification, then you are not friends in earnest. You can be in contact if you are single, semi-single, dating, but if you are in a serious relationship or even seeking one, you really can't. And no matter what, the contact will end at some point because it has to. So what's the point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustWishing Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 No point in keeping an ex around. An ex is an ex for a reason. So for my part, I don't keep any exes around. Period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathy679 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Never happened in my dating life. And I'm not sure I'd be cool with someone whose ex was really close. I hear that these friendships exist though, just like unicorns exist. I'm friends with 2 of my exs from a long time ago. There r no feelings on anybody's part so it can happen. I enjoy both their company when I see them but we have all moved on and are happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Depends on whether you're young enough to attend the same school. If you'll be forced to attend the same classes or share the same social circle for any length of time, then leaving things 'friendly' or at least civil in public can make navigating the rest of your shared duration much easier. Beyond that, it's not smart. You'll want to have other relationships after the fact, and I don't personally know any wise people who would want to involve themselves with anyone who still hangs out with an ex. My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who still has an ex in the picture in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. These boards are full of examples of 'why not'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfan Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 One of my best friends is an ex. We dated when we were younger (early 20s) but found that we were not really "into" each other romantically. Still, we got along so well it seemed silly to cut contact all together. I have known him for 16 years now and we see each other regularly. I am also very good friends with his wife. She gave me my wedding dress that I married my husband in. She was pregnant and it wouldn't have fit her. She and I went out to see a movie last night together. I looked after their daughter for an entire summer. My ex is also very good friends now with my husband. When I have my baby shower, they will be hanging out at the pub drinking beers. They are extremely good friends. Both of them have donated a TON of stuff to us when we announced our pregnancy. They have been really good to us. So yeah I think it can work as long as there are no lingering feelings on either side. No reason it can't. I would have missed out on two excellent friendships if I had cut him out of my life after we stopped dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coldarmy13 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Its possible, like what everyone else said, there are no feelings on both sides. Which is rare. Id say do whatever you feel is right for you and your ex. Id be aware though that there are people you will meet/date that will see that as a red flag/deal breaker and prefer to find someone that doesn't have that going on. I am one of those people. Nothing against it, just in my dating experience its always turned out bad with the ex. Either there are still feelings and my partner goes back to her ex, or the ex creates issues because he isn't over my partner yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Hi guys!!! I want to pose a question. Barring any reasons to be in communication with an ex ie, kids, bills, things to be returned......what positive reasons do you have for needing an ex as a 'friend'?? By ex, I mean someone you actually dated and slept with. Not someone you had a crush on but never actually dated? I ask because I hear ALL the time about people having exes in their lives....and I guess to me, it's just not a great idea. Thank you I don't thinks it an all or nothing proposition. Some ex'es you may want to, and have good reason to keep in touch. Others may simply be a burden, or worse. In any event, you should not decide immediately after a break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I think it can be a great friendship as long as the two people have moved on actually or emotionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I'm friends with 2 of my exs from a long time ago. There r no feelings on anybody's part so it can happen. I enjoy both their company when I see them but we have all moved on and are happy. And i went unicorn riding just yesterday. What's your point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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