ForevahAlone Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I have no prospects. Lol. 😂 I really wanted 2015 to be the year that I got myself together, came out of my shell, and made friends/got a boyfriend. Sadly, it wasn't to be. I'm at an impasse. I want to change but I'm finding it nearly impossible. It doesn't help that I have a penchant for totally unavailable and inappropriate men. There is one guy now, not of the aformentioned inappropriate variety, that I think likes me. The problem is that he doesn't appear to be the type to make any kind of move. Ever. I often think I should just give up because the loneliness is eating away at me. It's easier when I pretend that it is my choice. Eh, I'm rambling. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 "There is one guy now, not of the aformentioned inappropriate variety, that I think likes me. The problem is that he doesn't appear to be the type to make any kind of move. Ever. I often think I should just give up because the loneliness is eating away at me. It's easier when I pretend that it is my choice." Um. He's not inappropriate or unavailable. You sound like you might want to go on a date with him. Why are you waiting for him to make a move? Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Not to sound argumentative, not my intention at all, but that's why I said "not of the aforementioned inappropriate variety." And, yes, I would. I'm just far too socially inept to ever ask anyone out. Lol. I just feel like I'm being realistic by not putting my eggs in that particular basket. Someone, don't remember who, told me not to waste time worrying about whether a guy likes me if he hasn't asked me out. I'm attempting to follow that rule. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Haha, no that's what I meant. He fits your criteria - so there is really no reason why you can't make some kind of move first. There are a lot of rules going around, and they all conflict. You will have to figure out how they apply in practice. But the wording of that rule I totally agree, if not the spirit behind it - don't waste time worrying about whether he likes you or not. Just ask him out. You don't have to like someone before you date them - you can find out whether or not you like someone through dating. You say you want to come out of your shell. The best way to do this - and trust me I've been there - is to start doing small things that you know you want to do, but that scare you. In the scheme of things, asking a guy out is really not a big deal. You just say, "Hey X, would you like to go out for Y sometime?" Definitely don't put your eggs in that basket! But maybe, like, one egg? It's worth a shot. If he says no, it won't be as bad as you might expect. When a door is shut it can be painful, but it's a lot better than waiting for a door to open that never will. Don't wait for 2016. You don't need the right year to change from the person you are dissatisfied with into the person you want to be. It takes 1000s of really small steps. Start looking for those small steps and take them. Even if you fall on your face, don't let it phase you, keep stepping out. Don't worry so much about the big changes - put yourself in awkward situations and let those experiences CHANGE YOU. Because they will, and you can't help but let the changes come. I know how you feel. You just have to reach out and grab life wherever you can - or it passes you by. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Ask him out! What's the worst that can happen? He says "no thanks'? I've been told that a few time in my day and I'm still alive and kickin'. People aren't the enemy of your chances, you are. Making friends is not that hard, really. Believe me. Most people respond very well to a nice smile. Now, put your best smile on and ASK HIM OUT! Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I totally agree with both of you. I understand all of that intellectually. The trouble is every time I even consider asking a guy out, I feel I'm given a reason not to. They say or do something that turns me off and I say to myself "Thank God I didn't do that!" And so I remain in my safe, comfortable little bubble. It happened today. That guy, let's call him Arthur, was flirting with some other girl. Lol. I was just...irritated by that. I know I shouldn't be. I don't own him. I was just pissed. Haha. I need help. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Here's the answer: Get out of your safe little bubble. You will never truly live until you do. Do you really want to say at the end of your life, "I wasted it all"? Link to comment
saluk Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It's tough. You are suffering from the intellectuals prison. You are smart enough that it is often true that you can analyze something within your own head and determine whether or not it is a good idea to act; and can convince yourself with 87% probability that not acting is the smart thing. You gotta be dumber. If you had asked him out already, then he might be flirting with you instead! You aren't pissed at him, you are pissed at the world that is stubbornly not bending to your demands as you think them. But the world is more flexible then that. It reacts when you act, not when you think. Ask him out anyway - again just because he is not currently thinking of you as an option doesn't mean he won't notice you if you bring yourself to his attention. If he says no at least you gave it a shot! Then take your newfound experience at getting shot down and realize that you didn't die, and can be more relaxed the next time. Go find a social situation (party, meetup, concert) and just start talking to the cutest guy there for no reason and see what happens. Be safe of course. If you have no friends, make some. It may not be easy, but it's one of the simplest things to do. If this all sounds too hard, start even simpler. Find something that you know you should be able to do that is kind of scary and do that. Talk to the person sitting next to you on the bus or in the elevator. Sit next to someone reading on a park bench and pull out your book to read. Ask them what they are reading, and tell them about your book. I saw a girl on her online dating profile once say something quite inspiring. She used to be afraid of everything. At one point, she got tired of being afraid of stuff, and decided to always do the things that scared her. She was afraid of the water so she learned scuba. She was afraid of heights, so she went skydiving. You don't have to be that extreme! But if you are dissatisfied with your life, you don't have to stay in the cave that you've built around you. It's amazing how much a person can change themselves when they really try. Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Thanks guys. That's great advice. I'm going to start pushing myself. That is, after I find a new guy to pine after. "Arthur" was a little too snippy for my personal taste today because Miss Sugar Pie Honey Bunch (the other girl I mentioned) wasn't around. It's clear that she is who he wants. Oh well. Moving on. Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 I have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been going over every interaction I've had with "Arthur" and I just feel like he knows I like him and that's why he is so nice to me. Ugh. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've been going over every interaction I've had with "Arthur" and I just feel like he knows I like him and that's why he is so nice to me. Ugh. So you think he knows you like him and he's nice to you. What about that says "Do not approach"? If he knew you like him and he was mean or distant or if he didn't know you liked him it would be different. He knows you like him and he's not putting a stop to it. If you're not up for going out on a limb and asking him out why not just give him a little push give him something that says if he asked you out you'd say yes...some guys need to know they have pretty good chance of not getting shot down before they will make a move. Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 It just feels like he's doing it out of pity. Idk. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 "Feels like" is often a terrible indicator of reality. If you don't verify your "feels like" than how can you make your "feeler" any smarter? Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 Right. But I have a history of misinterpreting the things guys say to me. The embarrassment of being wrong, and having everyone know, would be too much for me. That's why I don't even try. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 You wouldn't be the first person to be turned down and you certainly wouldn't be the last. What's to be embarrassed about? Ask him out. From what I've heard, most guys kinda like when that happens. If he says "no thanks" fine. You won't die, believe me. You'll most likely just go to work, go to lunch, talk to your friends, eat dinner, you know, the usual stuff. Trust me, the world won't end if he declines, and it may just be wonderful if he says, "yes". Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 I hate being shy. I know that It's an outward expression of my insecurity and nothing will change until I'm less insecure. At this point, that seems really unlikely. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Maybe you should put dating on the side for now and focus more on your other goals of becoming more social, making friends, etc. So what have you been doing to improve your social life so far? Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 Maybe you should put dating on the side for now and focus more on your other goals of becoming more social, making friends, etc. So what have you been doing to improve your social life so far? Honestly, nothing. That's why I spend all of my time at school and work. I don't even have one friend. Lol. The closest thing I have is my sister and she's not a pleasant person. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Honestly, nothing. That's why I spend all of my time at school and work. I don't even have one friend. Lol. The closest thing I have is my sister and she's not a pleasant person. Then find a reason to spend time elsewhere...pick up a sport or a hobby. Just one and it doesn't have to be joining Toastmasters (sounds like a shy person's nightmare but also a GREAT way to break out of it because lots of people do it for that very reason). Join ans Underdog sports team as an individual, go to some meet-ups....if you want to widen your social circle it's a good place to start. Also you said "everyone would know" if this crush turned you down....that's not true - and you know it. And even if it were true it wouldn't be the end of the world. So people know you liked a guy.....you're *gasp* a normal human being! Eeeek! Everyone has crushes it's totally normal if anyone give you a hard time for it well you don't need that immature person in your life anyway. Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Eh. I think I'll just stay single forever. Lol. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Now now, it's not bad to be single, but if you are not going to work on expanding your social life that problem is not going to go away. Take it from me. I finally started tackling improving my social skills in my late twenties and REALLY wish I could have actually attempted to make progress there sooner. Having better social skills will help you on the job market. For example I was pretty close with a former boss in my previous job, and when I stopped working there he got me a great "in" at the place he moved to. If we hadn't been friends he wouldn't have thought of me. Just join something. Anything. On a whim! See how it goes. Don't stress about it. There is more out there than unavailable men and annoying sisters! Link to comment
ForevahAlone Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Now now, it's not bad to be single, but if you are not going to work on expanding your social life that problem is not going to go away. Take it from me. I finally started tackling improving my social skills in my late twenties and REALLY wish I could have actually attempted to make progress there sooner. Having better social skills will help you on the job market. For example I was pretty close with a former boss in my previous job, and when I stopped working there he got me a great "in" at the place he moved to. If we hadn't been friends he wouldn't have thought of me. Just join something. Anything. On a whim! See how it goes. Don't stress about it. There is more out there than unavailable men and annoying sisters! There are definitely worse things. It's hard to see that when you're 20 something and a man has never as much as asked you out. It's hard not to feel repulsive. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.