Kate221 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I wanted to post this thread for anyone who has or has had suicidal thoughts. It may seem as though I'm rambling on throughout this and I'm sorry if I offend anyone but I feel like its important to tell my story and hopefully help anyone in some way. A little while ago I was 100% certain that I was going to end my life. I spent 2 weeks creating a plan, researching methods and preparing. There was nothing that was going to stop me. I would walk on a bridge and debate how many people would try and stop me if I went to jump. I would read comments on threads where people would beg people not to go through with it and try and give them reasons to live. I would become annoyed - who were these people to tell others to carry on living in such misery? I don't want people to read this thread and think I'm not understanding or that I'm one of those people who preaches about how life can only get better. Trust me, I do fully understand. I know how frustrating it is to hear that from people. Basically, I went through a horrendous break up which left my life a mess. This guy completely messed up my life. He used me and took every shred of self respect I had. My life was ruined and I could see no other way out. I didn't want to carry on anymore. I felt tortured. I wanted peace and death seemed like the only way to get that. I no longer enjoyed anything, getting out of bed in a morning was a constant struggle. I stopped eating and stopped caring about anything going on in the world. All I could see was negativity. Everyone was out for themselves and didn't care about other peoples feelings. I had made up my mind. I had little friends and only a few family members. I felt bad that I would be leaving them but they were so caught up in their own lives I was certain they wouldn't be sad for long. I needed to be free. I cant explain exactly why I'm still alive today. There wasn't one miraculous event where I began to see things through a positive light. All I can say is that one day I finally wrote my suicide note. In all honesty I had been hanging on for something to change my mind. I was tired of waiting. I was so close to giving up. In the end my friend asked me to attend a fitness class with her and reluctantly I agreed. I was past the point of caring about anything so what was one night out of my life? I wouldn't say I exactly enjoyed going but I laughed for the first time in what seemed like forever. My friend then suggested going back the next week and without thinking I said yes. I went back home and decided to google suicide methods again, just be certain on details. Unfortunately for me I hadn't hidden my search very well and google images presented me with some horrific, disturbing images of the act itself. I felt sick. I wanted out so so badly but seeing a true representation of what I was about to do was awful. I know some people say that once you're determined nothing can change your mind but this was enough for me. I wouldnt say I'm completely swayed by staying alive. Some moments are harder than others. When I wake up in the morning I still feel sick with anxiety and my mind often wanders back to those same thoughts about ending it all. I still have so much pain and hurt in me. However I am glad that I didn't end it on the occasions where I was ready to. When I feel alone and my depression takes over I am more tempted than ever. But it passes. I know its cliche but it does. I would hate to offend anyone because I know how real peoples pain is. I really want people to know that it does honestly get better. Not better straight away, no miracles occur. Its tiny little things that begin to turn around. I would urge people to wait at least four days before making any hasty decisions. If you honestly believe you're making the right choice then what difference does waiting a few days make? I am so thankful that I waited. My life is nowhere near back to normal or anywhere near what I would like it to be but I'm determined to change that. I'm focussed on becoming a stronger person. I refuse to let someone ruin my life. I cant control circumstances or other peoples behaviour but I can control my reaction and my own mind. You are so much stronger than you think. Please think about this and give life a chance to change your mind. If nothing does then what have you lost? Something may just turn around for you. When you hit rock bottom the only way is up. I hope people don't find this patronising, I just really wanted to stress that even the most determined people can change their minds and be strong. It just takes patience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I'm happy you had a change of heart, Kate. Stay strong, and we're always here for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alldaisies Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Thanks Kate, Your note it is optimistic: "When you hit rock bottom the only way is up" You do not have idea how much I want this to be true. I am glad you found the way out and that you are able to help others like me that have had suicidal thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate221 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Alldaises I hope that you are okay. I do not know what you're going through but I believe that quote applies to every situation. It is a long process but things do always get better. I am not saying I have completely recovered but I'm getting there. I hope you will too. Thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 "Never EVER make any big life decisions during the time of great happiness or great depression" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zxGriffin Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I appreciate your post Kate... It sounds like you've definitely made some progress in trying to find the light in life and finding that strength to keep going. The things you said were pretty insightful and there is no offense taken. Just as you mentioned... my thoughts as well continue to ruminate through my head on a very daily basis now from sunrise to sunset and it's literally driving me insane. I get that *Broken Heart* feeling in my chest... that makes you want to cry... and it's for myself... I feel I've ultimately let myself down. Everyone has their own demons and problems and in the end it all seems to weigh just as heavily on each individual no matter age, sex, location, etc. I posted some of my own personal problems on the forum in another thread. It gives some insight although I still don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I actually started writing a pretty extensive suicide note last weekend along side a bottle of vodka (should be noted that I shouldn't be drinking since I've been to detox). I've given up a lot of hope and relapsed even after starting to get my life back together. People say go see a therapist and I may entertain that option although I don't really *know* how much talking about it all anymore will likely penetrate the feelings in my mind that are so deeply ingrained. This type of depression feels like it's been developing and evolving for all of my 27 years, masked by drugs and alcohol. It's not just suicide on a whim but rather consisting of meticulous planning. I guess what I do to myself is my own selfish decision. Sometimes... just like others often describe it as... I feel like I am not *right* for this world. The timing and circumstances just didn't align. That I've botched a lot of crap and wasted a lot of time. That black and white feeling grows. Thanks for your insights. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Kate, thank you for starting this thread. It will help someone from going over the deep end. I wish a friend if mine who has a similar experience such as yours, could see your thread. Unfortunately, she has not come back on ths site and I am truly worried about her. Your words would have meant so much to her. I fear that she may have taken her life, quite frankly...and it makes me very sad. It took courage for you to start this thread, but I am so glad you did. Anyone who thinks of ending their life should remember that life is a very precious thing. chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minlrl Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Drugs are your worst enemy at times like these. Also having too much time to think. Excercise and good healthy eating and hard living is your salvation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate221 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Kate, thank you for starting this thread. It will help someone from going over the deep end. I wish a friend if mine who has a similar experience such as yours, could see your thread. Unfortunately, she has not come back on ths site and I am truly worried about her. Your words would have meant so much to her. I fear that she may have taken her life, quite frankly...and it makes me very sad. It took courage for you to start this thread, but I am so glad you did. Anyone who thinks of ending their life should remember that life is a very precious thing. chi I'm really sad that your friend hasn't returned to this site. I pray that she is just taking some time out and working through her issues. I have plenty of bad days, today being one of them. However I know that there will be moments of happiness, however small, or that a better day is coming soon. I hope that your friend returns again soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate221 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I understand exactly what you mean. I have found a new way of looking at life but that doesn't mean that I don't have those thoughts anymore. Today I felt extremely low when I woke up but I know that it will pass. I find that mornings are the worst. I have to force myself to remind myself that better times are coming. I understand your view of 'not being right for this world'. I had exactly the same thoughts. I found that I could not deal with the heartache that life brings and that there had to be a better place. I read something somewhere that got me thinking and I hope it will help you too. We cant be certain of the afterlife. We hope for peace but how can we be sure we will get it? Why risk it? We could change our lives here on earth. I would urge you to see a counsellor. I lt is so helpful to gain some insight from a trained professional and to learn techniques such as mindfulness training and cognitive behavioural therapy. These processes help to cease negative thinking and train the mind to be more positive and healthy. It may not benefit you but it is surely worth a try? I think you must use every option available to stay alive before making that decision. Thats what i'm doing anyway. Stay busy, focus on something and reach out for help. There is so much available for you. I hope that you stay strong and overcome your demons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man with Dog Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I don't feel offended at all. Only thing I get is this: When you are young, you can get over being fired or a break-up, as you will have other jobs and relationships. When you are older, you see the dull probability of failing health, losing people to death and the dreaded care home. Unfortunately, most people in the UK, do not have a peaceful death in their own home surrounded by family. Nor do they have a long and lucrative retirement. Although I'm still some years from retirement, it is less than 10. I'm hoping I can carry on working past my retirement date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate221 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Share Posted November 7, 2015 I don't feel offended at all. Only thing I get is this: When you are young, you can get over being fired or a break-up, as you will have other jobs and relationships. When you are older, you see the dull probability of failing health, losing people to death and the dreaded care home. Unfortunately, most people in the UK, do not have a peaceful death in their own home surrounded by family. Nor do they have a long and lucrative retirement. Although I'm still some years from retirement, it is less than 10. I'm hoping I can carry on working past my retirement date. ManwithDog I understand what you're saying. However I do also think that some of the older generation are at more of an advantage due to having the life skills and experience to deal with such events. Sadly most young people these days find most of their troubles occur or are influenced by social media. Something the older generation managed to avoid. Also, Its good that you want to carry on working. I suppose we just have to take the positives out of every situation whatever our age! Best wishes, kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man with Dog Posted November 7, 2015 Share Posted November 7, 2015 Not arguing with you but it was my parents' and grandparents' generations that had the qualities you describe. Also, most of them had a support network. My coping skills are better than they were but I've had to cope on my own but these days I have a tight knit nuclear family. We learned to look after each other. Of course there are times when we aren't emotionally available for each other and that is when I can get vulnerable. Incidentally, I am very active on social media but personal stuff I only share here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate221 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Not arguing with you but it was my parents' and grandparents' generations that had the qualities you describe. Also, most of them had a support network. My coping skills are better than they were but I've had to cope on my own but these days I have a tight knit nuclear family. We learned to look after each other. Of course there are times when we aren't emotionally available for each other and that is when I can get vulnerable. Incidentally, I am very active on social media but personal stuff I only share here. Thats interesting. I think in certain aspects people's support systems have gotten smaller over the years, I'm not sure if you would agree? I think many generations ago families were bigger and everyone seemed to have an open door policy. Nowadays people are quite closed in. There are positive sides of social media, such as this site. I think it allows me to feel some normality as you discover that people are having similar issues and the world is not perfect as it so often painted to be on facebook and instagram. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man with Dog Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 Thats interesting. I think in certain aspects people's support systems have gotten smaller over the years, I'm not sure if you would agree? I think many generations ago families were bigger and everyone seemed to have an open door policy. Nowadays people are quite closed in. There are positive sides of social media, such as this site. I think it allows me to feel some normality as you discover that people are having similar issues and the world is not perfect as it so often painted to be on facebook and instagram. I think part of the problem is that people migrate far from where they grew up and don't build new support networks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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