AmelieM Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 So my last breakup was the first time in which I have been the one dumped. And it's certainly been a rocky road, even though I had doubts about the relationship all along. In the past, I was always the one to end the relationship. And, in doing so, I always accepted the role of the "bad guy". As in, I would do my best to avoid and ignore the other person, because I thought it was ultimately the kinder thing to do. Sure, they may 'hate' you, and you may appear a heartless jerk. But I learned the hard way that it is not possible (and rather cruel) to be friendly when one person wants the relationship to continue, and the other does not. Having learned the mistakes of my other exes, I have tried to create space for myself now that I am the one in the 'dumpee' position. In the early days, when my ex would reach out, I would just give very brief but polite replies, with no openings for chit-chat. Recently he moved away - very far away in fact. We had considered seeing each other before he left, but I think we both concluded that was a poor idea so we just let the event pass without contact. Last week, he sent me a message apologizing for not saying goodbye, and saying he wished me the best. A few months ago, this would have upset me. But at this point, I just rolled my eyes, because he's "wished me the best" now several times. Kind of loses its oomph when it's said more than once! So I just ignored the message altogether with no reply. I also let his bday go by without acknowledging it. It felt a little rude of me, because he did acknowledge mine, but I concluded it didn't matter whether he thought I was rude. He decided he did not want me in his life, so I'm giving him his wish. The more important thing now is for me to keep my focus forward, not backward. Now he's begun sending fluff messages. Clearly my ignoring his other messages bothered him. But why? When I've been in this position, I'd take being ignored as a positive. That the person I hurt was moving on; the guilt could lift a little. So after four of these fluff messages, I just wrote briefly saying, "I'm fine, thanks. Good luck to you." Maybe I should've kept up with the radio silence, but it just felt childish. I want to move forward, and I want to do so with dignity. It's just weird to me. I don't think it's a matter of ego, I think it's just that he can't stand the thought of me being angry with him (this has been a theme of his messages since breaking up). But why? He kicked me out of his life. Why does it matter what I think of him anymore? Why does he need to make sure I don't hate him? Maybe it is an ego thing in a way. But when you dump someone, your need to be viewed positively is superseded by the other person's need to heal. Just a rant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 It's 2015. We have ultra advanced number blocking technology now. But you're right, I think it's always best to make a clean beak when you end a relationship. It's no secret that the guilt is the worst part of dumping someone. But that's the price you agree to potentially pay when you enter a relationship. You deal with it and you certainly don't dump it on the person you dumped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmelieM Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Re: the blocking, I know that is probably helpful for many. But for me, my mind would just go into "I wonder if..." mode all the time. I'd rather deal in knowns rather than unknowns, and I don't feel that I'm acting inappropriately as a result. The above was just a rant, more than anything. Helps me to vent on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Welcome to the world of the dumped. If you're still staying in contact because you "wonder if" you really haven't learned from the mistakes of your other exes at all. Until you let go of that and can remove him from your life, well hello purgatory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmelieM Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Welcome to the world of the dumped. If you're still staying in contact because you "wonder if" you really haven't learned from the mistakes of your other exes at all. Until you let go of that and can remove him from your life, well hello purgatory. I'm not 'wondering if' he will want to get back together; that ship has sailed and he is long gone. We were incompatible, plain and simple. It's more just, "Hmm, I wonder if he's tried to contact me." Out of curiosity/ego I guess. If I don't block, then there's no room for that curiosity. Maybe I'm deluding myself, I dunno. Seems to be the consensus here, unsurprisingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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