Desperately need help?

[AmyRelluss]

So basically, I'm completely lost and I'm asking here for advice because I just don't know what else to do.

 

My best friend is male and I'm female, and for the last two years we've had a really unusual friendship. He kissed me twice at the beginning and I began to develop feelings for him, which in a few months developed into love. We were extremely close, we spoke every spare minute of every day and told each other absolutely everything and it was very intense. We went camping with our friends in the forest and snuck out of the tent alone one night and stargazed together and had a really cliche and emotionally deep conversation and I think that night changed the dynamics of our friendship completely. A few months later, I told him that I loved him, and he told me he didn't love me back but he wanted to keep our thing going indefinitely because it was perfect as it was, and that maybe one day he would want to be with me too, and also that on the night we went camping he had realised he felt something for me too. I agreed and we kept things as they were. By this point we had nicknames for each other, we had a whole world of our own.

 

As the months went on we got more and more intense and started drifting into relationship territory. We held hands and kissed and cuddled each other on quite a few separate occasions. He became my entire world and I trusted him more than anything.

 

Then one night we were both drunk and he rang me up crying and I went to meet him in a park. He broke down and told me he couldn't ever be with me and I urged him to think about it more when he was sober and not to try to overthink it all because I didn't want to lose what we had. The next day he agreed he didn't want to lose it either and said he was keeping a clear mind about the future so that our strange relationship-friendship-thing could survive. I asked him on many occasions to promise he wasn't lying, and he did.

 

Then I moved out to go to university a few weeks ago and our "thing" became even more like a relationship. He would come round and stay the night, and cuddle me in bed all night, and we'd go out for dinner and spend the mornings in bed together hugging and talking. We never slept together, but that was for a separate reason that I won't go into. Anyway, on Friday I asked him if he honestly thought our "thing" could go anywhere, to which he replied "yes, I genuinely do believe it could". I told him how heartbroken I would be if our thing had to end now it had gotten to this stage, and he told me he promised he had no intention of ending anything anytime soon, and that he was very happy as we were, and not to worry. I then asked if he could promise not to break my heart and he promised and said he never wanted to. We both agreed to keep things as they were for as long as possible and while we acknowledged it would either have to end in our "thing" ending or a relationship, we both agreed we didn't have to think about that for ages. I was ecstatically happy. I had suffered from depression for years and the last two years with him had made me the happiest id ever been in my life. He made me feel like he cared and that I was important, and he gave me security that he wasn't going anywhere. I thought everything was perfect.

 

Suddenly on Sunday he began to ignore me, which is very unlike him. He then sent me a message on Monday morning, telling me the last year had all been lies and all the promises were lies and he couldn't do it anymore and he'd been planning on telling me for ages, and he didn't even want to be friends. He said goodbye, then blocked me instantly on every form of social media before I could even respond. As you can imagine, this utterly destroyed me. He had promised only three days beforehand never to do that, and he had made similar promises the entire time we had been best friends, and I had believed him completely. I found it hard to trust him at first due to bad relationships in the past, but I had learned to, and now he'd done that.

 

I gathered up what little money I had and bought a train ticket to his town, and got our mutual friend to tell him to meet me at the train station. To my surprise he turned up, but he wasn't the same. He acted like I was already a stranger to him. He would barely look at me and didn't offer anything other than that he wasn't changing his mind. He didn't even seem upset.

 

I was, and still am, too heartbroken to function properly. I feel like all the light in my life has just been sucked away, and we built up this world together and now I have to live in it alone, and he doesn't even care enough to offer me an explanation or check that I'm okay. We had so many plans for the next year. I don't understand why he would've planned so many things so far ahead if he was always intent on ending contact with me? How could he make so many promises knowing that he'd break them all? And why won't he at least give me the chance to speak to him? I feel like I've lost my entire world, and I just want advice on what to do. I know people will tell me to give up on him, but I can't give up on two years worth of my life. There's too much history between us and things we haven't said or done. Everywhere I look I see reminders of him. I should be angry at him for breaking all his promises and treating him like this when he always told me he never would, but I'm not. I'm just hopelessly depressed.

 

Someone please help me out? What do I do? And why do you think he did this? Please don't be too harsh, I don't think I can handle any more sadness.

[DoF]

 

My best friend is male and I'm female, and for the last two years we've had a really unusual friendship.

 

There is NO such a thing as "male and female" friendship. I don't believe it. 99.99% of the time no man will be your friend unless they find you attractive.

 

 

 

Both of you were hiding feelings and being deceptive towards eachother with your feelings and intentions.

 

THAT IS NOT WHAT FRIENDS DO!!!!

 

As for the rest, it all sounds like a guy that's after a cookie, but you were smart enough to not give him one (talking sex). He knew he wasn't getting any, and that's most likely what he was after....so he took off or already had someone/been getting elsewhere.

 

You shoudl be happy OP. You found out he was no good and NOT a man you really want.

 

better now than 20 years from now with kids etc. It can ALWAYS be worse.

 

What I suggest now, do what he did. Ignore/block him and get him completely out of your life. So that you can heal and get over him (it will take few months).

 

In time, you will be just fine and will find someone you deserve. This guy was NOT it.

[mhowe]

I think he is in the closet and is coming to grips with coming out.

 

Adult men don't cuddle with women and have nothing happen....ever.

[WithLove]

It sounds like he found someone else and doesn't know how to tell you, because he knew it would break your heart. So this is what he did instead.

[ParisPaulette]

I think you didn't do anything. He misled the holy living crap out of you, was dishonest, finally had an attack of conscience and finally, finally wised up and did the only ethical thing left to do. He let you go and stopped lying to you.

 

I know that it hurts like fire right now, but the guy did the hugest favor to you. You need to go NC, to never let him back in, even if he apologizes or tries to contact you.

 

This breakup guide can help you. Even if it wasn't a conventional relationship per se still this is what you are experiencing and I'm hoping you find comfort and assistance in the information at this link:

 

You did ignore some pretty big red flags that showed up the moment you said you loved him and he told you he didn't. He demanded things stay his way the entire time and you let him instead of making your own demands and walking away when you knew he couldn't/didn't want to make it really a two-way street. In a way yes he used you, but you let him. Honestly when you tell someone you love them, they say they don't love you, but they want all of the comfort and everything you offer them anyways it's already a one-sided street. He was able to walk away so easily, because he was never invested in you. You were just the audience he enjoyed having as harsh as that sounds.

 

Move on, heal from this, learn from it. All good relationships, friendship or more, entail both parties equally getting something out of the deal. When only one party does and the other party is asked to or finds themselves doing all the hard work only then it's not a relationship, it's toxic. I'm sorry, but all you can do from here is make sure he stays out of your life and that you never make the same mistakes again.

 

There are plenty of people out there who will not do this to you, but the trick lies in you sending anyone away who will regardless of your feelings the moment you know they don't return your feelings. You should have told him then, "It's not perfect for me and it doesn't work for me, so goodbye." Yes, it would have hurt, but nowhere near what it is now.

 

You will heal from this, you'll recover, he is the one left holding the bag of being deceptive. That's on him. I'm sorry this happened to you. And you need to end the idea that length of time with someone matters when they've hurt you or no longer want to be with you. People are not like banks, you don't get interest in time spent and it doesn't really mean anything on the day someone chooses to betray you. I see that and I just cringe, because it's one of the biggest fallacies there is. You only had two years together, which is nothing. And he could talk grand fantasies about plans, because it was all just talk and nothing more. It's called future faking and people do it when they want to escape reality or keep you on a string for themselves. It isn't sincere making of plans.

 

In my experience the person who talks all the time about "gonna, gonna, gonna" seldom really does. People who are interested in plans with you will simply say, "We're doing this now" and make the plans and it'll happen right then and there. Not "gonna, gonna, gonna." He talked a good game, but as you heal you'll see it was pretty much all talk, there was no action.