Michaeljackson Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 My husband and I have a one year old. He has had a girl he calls his best friend since highschool. We live in a different state than her but they text frequently and he mentions her often and even calls her when im not around to ask for "accounting advice". We have been back to his home state where she lives and she is very attractive. I found out that they made out in highschool. We are now back in his home state and the very first day he sets up a meeting with her denting both his families request to hang out so that he could see her. I directly asked him if he thought she was hot/attractive/cute last night and he said yes. We are supposed to go to her house today I threw a jealous fit/rage and feel like it is not ok. He called me crazy and irrational and that i was taking away "his jamie". Im fuming pissed and stuck in a state with no cat. I feel like he prioritizes her friendship over my feelings. Am i crazy emotional jealous and unfair?? Or is he minding me?? Please help Ps. He doesnt go see her alone and she is also married Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 What could he do that would make you less jealous and insecure while still maintaining their friendship? Are you able to articulate that? Keep in mind before you answer that he is not meeting her alone one-on-one, he's including you in on their friendship by inviting you along and he's quite transparent about their minimum interaction with one another. Saying that? Why do you feel he is prioritizing her friendship over your feelings? What gives you that vibe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LC8328 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Wow. I don't think he's doing anything behind your back exactly, but I do think it's inappropriate. Especially when you explained your feelings to him and he refused to see your point of view, refused to see that you were hurt and refused to remember that he is supposed to consider you first, what with you being his wife. He made it about himself and not you. I don't know what else to advise since you have already tried talking to him. Perhaps you can leave it alone for a while, not say anything about it, and think of a way to mention it that focuses on your feelings, and doesn't make him feel defensive. Instead of "when you did this I got mad" you could say something more like "It makes me feel alone and unimportant when..." But honestly, if he is blowing off his family to see her, I wonder if he is too obsessed with her. How does he treat you in the marriage aside from this issue? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would only think it was "inappropriate" if he wasn't including her in his visits. I would imagine that he would have lots of other opportunities to see family on their visits but not so much opportunity to see his friend. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally against opposite sex friendships where the "friends" are hanging out one on one doing date like activities and actually prioritizing their time to be with the friend over being with the significant other but I don't see that happening in this instance. .... so still waiting for more information that would add further weight as to why Op is feeling the way she is feeling. Another question: Op... does she do anything that makes you feel unease when you are in her company? Does she appear to want you to be her friend as well or does she exclude you from the conversation, is rude or snobby to you? Is her husband part of the hang out too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I think you are over the top, with your insecurities. He doesn't see her alone. Yes. You are being unfair. Get a grip! I have male friends, and that's what they are, Friends. Is he sexting her? Is he doing anything inappropriate, other than being a friend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaeljackson Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 Thanks everyone for the answers. I know that by inviting me along to their outings he is being transparent. I can rationalize thatvmy behavior is probably irrational and jealous but I dont want to hang out with them knowing he has kissed her and still actively finds her attractive.!We have been having a rocky time in general with countless other issues and I feel like I have lost total control over my emotions. We constantly yell and fight and he has behaved inapropriately with a woman in the past. I felt betrayed even though he says nothing physical happened. Indont feel respected by him and I dont feel that trusting. I have no idea how much of that is his fault or my own effed up issues. I feel like Im going crazy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaeljackson Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 ThatwasThen: Thanks for your answer. I tried to think of what he could do and i could come up with nothing. The thought that he finds her cute nd has kissed her makes me feel awful in general. I think I have jealousy issues but I NEVER KNOW IF ny behavior is normal and appropriate or grossly infair to him. I feel like he never prioritizes me and have felt second best to him for awhile so maybe thats why I am going crazy over this situation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michaeljackson Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 cML342: i appreciate your response. I think he treats me rather poorly and we do nothing but fight. He convinces me its because i am deluded and emotional and like to fight so i dont know if i am the awful one causing problems or that problems exist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HLnoelle Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I don't know it's weird... When someone is usually insisting they are just a friend, and even go as far as to try you to be buddy buddy with them as well. That's a red flag to me. I was in a similar position a couple years ago. My ex insisted she was his best friend since middle school. He admitted to liking her but her previously turning him down. And he even wanted me to become friends with her. At first when he said he had a friend of the opposite sex it didn't bother me. But when he started to tell me things like that, and she was even calling me to talk to me over the phone as if we were friends. The whole thing was strange and felt off to me. Sure enough he came back from a weekend trip to his home state where she was, I saw the messages on his phone between the two of them. Which were not friendly. And found out he kissed her when he got there. And she even pretended to be my friend, made me so pissed what a two-face she was. The only reason he kept me around was because she was hot and cold with him, and I was convenient. So that's an example which is slightly different to you. My advice: just be careful, I think your feelings are justified. Because it sounds like you have a gut feeling telling you something is fishy. And I've learned most of the time that feeling is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 This girl is not the problem. I think you should focus on your other issues. Maybe, that's what you're trying to avoid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capttrae Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 What I can't figure out is why are you so upset that they kissed back in high school. What does it really matter? Chill out. Don't make him miserable bc you are insecure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mg22 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would feel very uncomfortable around them both. Iam sorry but your husband is displaying to much affection/friendship with her and i would not put up with this at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LC8328 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 cML342: i appreciate your response. I think he treats me rather poorly and we do nothing but fight. He convinces me its because i am deluded and emotional and like to fight so i dont know if i am the awful one causing problems or that problems exist Oh, my gosh. Okay. That's quite a different story. I'm sorry to hear this. Have you two tried couples counseling? Or if that is not an option do you think you could try going by yourself? Obviously I don't know your husband but it sounds like he is not holding himself accountable for anything. On your side, do you feel that you cause more drama than necessary? I ask this because of his accusation that you 'like to fight,' which is ridiculous, BUT honestly I see myself doing similar things sometimes. So much that I am trying to recall myself and be as objective about it as I could. Still...for him to call you deluded is a pretty serious accusation. And I would definitely NOT enjoy my husband calling me 'emotional' like it was a bad thing to have feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I think your jealousy is a symptom, not the overall problem. And that's what you should focus on.The problem isn't this female friend. It sounds like the problem is his a) treatment of you or lack of respect thereof coupled with b) your perception that he is prioritizing other women over you. The marriage is frankly on the rocks regardless of who he does or doesn't see. All I can tell you is either seek marriage counseling, if he'll go or maybe even counseling for yourself. Or look at whether or not you want to stay in a marriage where you feel disrespected and taken for granted and not a priority at all. Your feelings have merit regardless of their source. It's not whether or not you are behaving irrationally, frankly. A loving partner who respected you would have offered a compromise, would have gone out of their way to reassure you, would have talked to you. Not thrown his own equally irrational tantrum, referred to another woman as "my..." anything then stormed out. And you both have been fighting, which is not a good sign. Maybe it's time to look at the marriage as a whole and whether it's worth it and whether he thinks it's worth it or not. I do not normally advocate that, but when it gets to the point where you're at each other's throats, a trip to see family results in more fights, and you don't trust him--possibly over something with another woman that may actually have had merit even if his friendship with this woman doesn't--then it's time to ask yourself why you're staying and what exactly are you getting out of it all. Because a marriage, any relationship really, should be a two-way street of making life better or it's honestly a waste of time if the underlying issues can't be addressed by both parties and fixed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Well now that you've said he's kissed her I can see why their friendship is adding to your angst and insecurity in general. I'm sorry you're having a rough patch in your marriage. Have you talked with him about marriage counselling? Going together will help the two of you to discuss issues without losing it on one another so that he actually understands how you're feeling and your therapist will help you to be able to articulate what you need in order to feel safe in your marriage and loved by your hubby. If he won't go with you then that's too bad but I would still recommend you go alone and get some professional help with your personal insight. There is a reason why you're feeling disrespected and undervalued. Don't let that fester to the point of no return. Best to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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