Financial problems?

[llf86]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now, and have been living with each other for almost two years... We each have our own bills--credit cards, student loans,cell phone bills, that we take care of ourselves, and then we have rent and utilities, which we split in half. Earlier today, while he was at work, I was looking around for our lease agreement for our house, and when I found the portfolio we keep it in, I came accross paperwork stashed in the back from a title loan company. I was curious, so I took a look. I found out that back in May, he had taken out a "secondary motor vehicle finance" on the car that we had bought last year. We had split the payment in half, but we had decided that his name would be on the title, insurance etc, since I have a car and my insurance would have skyrocketed if I added another car under my name... Anyways, the loan, let me tell you, is just insanity. I have no idea how or why people agree to borrow money from these kinds of companies. I know people go through hard times and need money... but we don't. At least, that I know of. We have no children, we both work full time and we certainly do not live "paycheck to paycheck". There was a couple receipts from said title loan company, he makes monthly payments of $200. For an $800 loan. But the interest must be ridiculous because upon further reading, after a payment of $200 the balance only goes down $11. Eleven dollars.

 

The issue for me, isn't about how I paid for half of the car so I think that it's partially mine... When I put my money towards his car, and agreed to let him be the sole owner, I understood what that meant, and I'm still totally fine with it. But I'm worried and a little upset that he never told me, and still has yet to tell me. I have absolutely no idea what he would need that money for so desperately to get a title loan. I'm nervous about bringing this up to him, because he does have a temper and even when approaching him in the least threatening way, he's been known to be a little... harsh. Nothing physical, just a lot of yelling and slamming & breaking things.... This last year we have been talking more about our future, getting married, having kids and I guess I've just assumed he has his financial stuff together, but obviously somethings wrong in that arena. Last year his mom and I were out shopping together and we ended up on the subject of my boyfriend and money and she made the comment that he should just file for bankruptcy, and when I looked at her, she said she probably wasn't supposed to tell me that and I didn't hear it from her. I never brought it up to him, I didn't want to embarrass him, and I forgot about it. Until now. I know I need to talk to him, I just don't really know how or the best way to go about doing it. I can't settle down with someone who keeps such serious matters to himself--why didnt' he just tell me what he was doing? I would have helped him, by not letting him get himself screwed in this title loan nonsense.. We don't know what the other has in their checking/savings accounts, but we've never had any money problems, we pay our bills on time and we are able to go on vacations often... So thats why I'm just confused as to why he needed a quick and easy $800... Something's not right, and I don't exactly know how to bring it up. I don't want to involve our friends, or my friends, family or his... So I just thought that maybe online might be a good option.

[luminousone]

I know you are only asking about the money problems.

 

But I see two things that are deal breakers beyond the money issue.

 

1. His lack of transparency and omission of information. What else is he hiding from you? More importantly, what else will he hide from you as you progress in your relationship.

 

2. The anger. You really glossed that one over and really, you should feel free to discuss anything with your bf even if you don't agree. Yelling? Breaking things? Anger of that sort only tends to get worse as your relationship deepens.

 

I was in such a relationship for nearly 20 years. We had children together. I didn't even realize how much we were in fear of setting his anger off until I was out of the relationship for some time. It was like walking on egg shells, tip toeing around, making sure we didn't set him off.

 

Stress of having children only adds to the situation. More financial stress, more pressure on him, more demands of his time, more demands of his patience.

 

And if you marry, be ready to let go of your own assets to pay off his crazy financial escapades. And once they are paid off, he is likely to take out another crazy loan and there you go again. It never ends.

 

Whatever fairy tale life you envision with this man is not going to happen in reality.

 

Be ready to lose your money on the car situation. Your name is not on the title. That money is now gone. In order to save money on insurance you essentially set yourself up to lose a lot more. Live and learn. Never make payments on something that is not in your name unless you are fine giving that money away.

 

You need to have that talk with him.

You need to read evaluate your entire relationship.

 

You are not going to have a successful relationship the way things are, and you are not going to be able to change him.

 

Be sure to go to counseling to explore why you would be in such an unhealthy relationship.

 

What a sad and unhealthy way to live. I vow to never be in that kind of situation again. It is a terrible situation to bring children into.

[ThatwasThen]

There really is nothing else to say. Except that it's time to rethink about who you are with and why you are with him. Don't say because you love him. Love hasn't much to do with how well a relationship is running or how happy you are in it when trust has been broken.

[Movingforward3]

He could be simply embarrassed. I am one of those guys who looks inside for answers. He may be the same. He may think he should handle it, being the man. You need to have a discussion about you wanting to be equal partners and you want to know what is going on.

[j.man]

My girlfriend and I do things in a similar way. We each put $1000 per month into a joint account that contributes to my mortage (she's live-in but not on it), food, bills, etc. Whatever's left, we let accrue and we'll buy new furniture or go on vacation or something. Our finances aside from that are completely separate and we'd both prefer it stay that way even if we were to get married (she's actually in a much higher financial position than me).

 

But that's a system you genuinely need to be cool with. Some people aren't at all. Some people, like me, say it's 100% none of my business what my partner does with the finances we agree are separate. Others expect a certain level of transparency. If you two have explicitly stated that expectation of transparency while maintaining separate finances, then I think you're free to bring it up. If not, I'd let it go. I don't think the transparency might be assumed. Something may have came up and he may have had a plan in place to pay it off in full. If you want that transparency, speak up.

 

If you're worried about being strapped financially in the future, then offer the idea of a joint savings to see if he really has the means to prepare for whatever next step you two might take.

[alli]

 

1. His lack of transparency and omission of information. What else is he hiding from you? More importantly, what else will he hide from you as you progress in your relationship.

 

2. The anger. You really glossed that one over and really, you should feel free to discuss anything with your bf even if you don't agree. Yelling? Breaking things? Anger of that sort only tends to get worse as your relationship deepens.

 

I think these are some major points. The money is one thing. Which, by the way is a pretty big problem in itself. I can see how some people could get sucked into those things. With someone who lives paycheck to paycheck who encounters a sudden, unexpected problem, what other choice do they have? But if he is not in that situation, I don't get it. If he is only paying off $11 of the principle for every $200 payment he makes, he's going to end up paying over 14 thousand dollars for an 800 dollar loan. That is insanity! And frankly should be illegal in my opinion, but that's a different matter.

 

If I were you I would ask your mom to tell you what she knows. She obviously knows something you don't and I don't think you're going to get a straight answer from your boyfriend considering is temper. Promise her you won't tell anyone that it came from her (and of course, follow through on that). It seems that no one is giving you the full story on what you're getting into if you decide to stay with him. This is your life and you need to know.

[catfeeder]

a lot of yelling and slamming & breaking things....

 

This isn't normal, and it's not someone I'd tie my future to. You're walking on eggshells, afraid to bring up something so basic because you fear his reaction. That's not someone you can negotiate with, much less build a stable future with.

[llf86]

I think the deeper issue here is the lack of communication on my part and my fear of being attacked for communicating my feelings... I just don't know whether or not this title loan issue is something worth bringing up again, more directly this time, and if it is, how should I? I love his mom and we're close, but I know for sure that anything I say to her, it will somehow get relayed back to him, either directly from her, or from third parties. I talked to my dad about it last night and he suggested I just bring it up outright, and if it goes south, then I can always come back home b/c I shouldn't stay in a situation where I'm apprehensive about talking to my boyfriend. He's right, as well as those who have said the same, but it's not that easy since I live on the west coast now and my family lives in the midwest... And I'm almost 30 so I have no business trying to go back to live with my parents. I just feel kind of stuck I guess. Thanks for everyone's advice, its much appreciated

[catfeeder]

I talked to my dad about it last night and he suggested I just bring it up outright, and if it goes south, then I can always come back home b/c I shouldn't stay in a situation where I'm apprehensive about talking to my boyfriend.

 

Your Dad is a smart man. Pay Attention.

 

He's right, as well as those who have said the same, but it's not that easy since I live on the west coast now and my family lives in the midwest... And I'm almost 30 so I have no business trying to go back to live with my parents. I just feel kind of stuck I guess. Thanks for everyone's advice, its much appreciated

 

Naaah, you're not stuck, you've just been intimidated into believing that you are. That works out very well for the intimidator, and it's one of the ways abused women become isolated.

 

Look, there's nothing that can't be remedied once you liberate yourself from a relationship that keeps you controlled through violent outbursts. Do you need a man to hit you before you can recognize that he's toxic?

 

You have EVERY reason to give yourself a fresh start with your folks. People do it all the time, and they thank themselves later.

 

The west coast will still be there when you're on your feet and able to see clearly. You will thank your Self later.

 

Listen to your highest intelligence before things escalate to the point where you have no choice.

[tattoobunnie]

Welcome to America! Repeat - Our economy is not what it used to be - repeat again.

 

"Overall, 57 million Americans — 18 percent of the population — lived in multi-generational families in 2012, double the number in 1980. There are almost as many young adults 25 to 34 living in these families than there are people under 18." Do not sweat over being with your folks, because who wouldn't strangle you just to get out of a conversation.

 

Trust me, getting away from someone who you can't have a discussion with that constantly deflects onto you, and breaks things, um, RUN. Any man or woman who feels they should intimate you to avoid talking about something is downright not alright, and you yourself cannot change this.

 

I wouldn't ask his mom.

 

I would say, "I need to ask you something. I don't want you to get upset, but I'm a bit confused by this. I found this..."

 

And if he starts yelling, say, "look, I'm trying to talk about this. There's no reason why you have to be nasty to me." Then walk away.

[redswim30]

I know you are only asking about the money problems.

 

But I see two things that are deal breakers beyond the money issue.

 

1. His lack of transparency and omission of information. What else is he hiding from you? More importantly, what else will he hide from you as you progress in your relationship.

 

2. The anger. You really glossed that one over and really, you should feel free to discuss anything with your bf even if you don't agree. Yelling? Breaking things? Anger of that sort only tends to get worse as your relationship deepens.

 

You need to have that talk with him.

You need to read evaluate your entire relationship.

 

You are not going to have a successful relationship the way things are, and you are not going to be able to change him.

QUOTE]

 

I thought ALL of these same things. PLEASE do not even THINK of marrying this guy if you are afraid to talk to him about money. This gets MORE difficult in marriage not easier. When you are married, you need to be able to talk turkey about money all the time!!! Especially if you have children!!!!!!!

 

I was going to say "this is why you don't pay for things with someone you aren't married to" then I saw that you are intending to marry.

I am scared for you that you so fear his temper, this is not healthy or normal, I hope you realize.

 

His keeping secrets from you is not good. And then the fact that he clearly tells his mother things that he doesn't tell you. Take it from someone who was in this very situation- THIS NEVER ENDS WELL.

He shouldn't be able to tell everything to mommy and nothing to his future wife.

 

If I were you, I'd rethink this entire relationship. This guy sounds immature, petty, selfish, with severe anger issues and mommy issues to boot! Yikes. yikes, yikes.

 

Even if he doesn't get physically violent with you, this behavior is still not normal. And do you really want to live your life in fear every time you guys need to discuss something?

 

Please run as fast as you can away from this man.

[redswim30]

Really? You are blaming yourself for him lying to you? You either can communicate with him like an adult or you can't. By the way, adults don't yell or throw things when their partner needs to speak to them about responsible adult issues. You should be able to speak to him about this, and you should. This is your future as well as his.

 

His mom is not the friend you think she is. You just said that she holds her son's confidence from you even though it concerns you, yet ANYTHNG you say to her gets instantly repeated to HIM?

Frankly, she sounds like a snake to me. She is not your friend. A friendly snake is STILL a snake. She clearly has only her son's best interest at heart. She likes you because she is still the number 1 woman in his life, and you are the doormat. She does not really love or respect you. You may get along, that's not the same thing as love.

 

Your dad is right and you should take him up on his offer. You'd rather stay in an abusive relationship than move in with your parents who love you and AREN'T manipulating you the way this man and his mother are? WOW.

 

HARD COLD TRUTH- Your Dad loves you. This bf and his mother do NOT. Choose wisely.